Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Zany but true predictions for the now former cast members of The Hills

Ok, so when I’m not blogging or playing an armchair psychologist or dream analysis expert on the internet I sometimes like to pretend that I am a highly acclaimed gypsy fortune teller. Yes, that’s right folks, just consider me a self-proclaimed phenomenally awesome psychic with my very own magical crystal ball that enables me to see into the questionable futures of ‘fame whore reality stars’. Now how cool and fun is that? Being psychic and all, I just knew without a doubt that you would be so, so excited!

Anyway, last night that incredibly scintillating, academy award winning reality show otherwise known as The Hills finally came to an end. As such, I thought it only appropriate that Madame Ranter’s Box should look deep inside her ‘magic eight ball’ and foretell the futures of those now jobless, paparazzi addicted, drama queen former cast members of The Hills. So, without further adieu here we go…

Audrina Patridge
She was the one with the hot body who carried on an intense soap opera love affair with ‘bad boy’ Justin Bobby and who also had a brief romantic relationship with tool head Ryan Cabrera.
Prediction: Audrina will continue to capitalize on her feminine assets by landing a few unsuccessful ‘hot chick’ roles in B-grade movies. After dropping off the radar for a few years, she will stage a minor comeback by posing for a six-page pictorial in Playboy. Audrina will then have to choose between marrying a pro-wrestler or becoming Hugh Hefner’s next girlfriend.

Justin Bobby
He was the mysterious, game-playing guy who banged Audrina on & off for four years. JB drove around on a motorcycle, seemed to disappear for long stretches of time, and often dressed like someone having an identity crisis. He also had a brief sexual liaison with Kristen Cavallari.
Prediction: Justin Bobby will finally be named as the 15th member of the ‘Russian Spy Ring’ and will be deported after intense interrogation by the CIA.

Kristen Cavallari
She was the bitchy one who came in to take over the lead role when Lauren Conrad bailed on the show. Kristen is also the one who publically claimed that Brody Jenner was ‘vanilla in bed’ yet still continued to chase after BJ and try to make him her boyfriend until the bitter end.
Prediction: Kristen’s plan to release her scathing behind-the-scenes book about The Hills will further fracture relationships with her ex-cast mates and result in her having to live abroad for several years. While away she will become the notorious madam of a high-priced european escort service… all while plotting against the unsuspecting victims in her future tell-all book!

Brody Jenner
He was the slimy player dude otherwise known as ‘the son of Bruce Jenner’ who did his best to bang as many of his female cast members as possible all while pitting them against random newbies or skanky playmates.
Prediction: Brody will continue to coast through life, party, and screw a multitude of bimbos. He will eventually land a job for a short period of time as an infomercial host for erectile dysfunction products. When the TV work (thankfully) dries up, he will move behind the scenes and start up a special website for players called ‘Whores-are-Us’.

Lo Bosworth and Stephanie Pratt
Lo was the quiet girl-next-door who tended to stay away from most of the ongoing drama amongst the cast members. Stephanie was the ditzy, conniving publically disowned sister of Spencer Pratt. She was also the unlucky party girl who got a DUI while on the show.
Prediction: Both Lo and Steph will move to the suburbs of the San Fernando Valley, become neighbors and pretty much fade into obscurity. A few years down the track they will open a semi-successful diet cupcake shop called ‘Starlight Cupcakes’.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
She was the manipulative drama queen who was obsessed with fame and plastic surgery. He was the crazy, angry, controlling fame-whore dude who was obsessed with crystals. Together they schemed to do anything and everything to stay on the cover of as many trash tabloid magazines as possible -- all while being publically ridiculed.
Prediction: Upon being served with divorce papers from Heidi, Spencer will be committed to a mental institution (finally). During his time in the nuthouse he will take up arts and crafts and plot his future media comeback. Heidi will attempt an unsuccessful career as the next female action star. After becoming nothing more than a mere blip in the memory of reality TV, Heidi and Spencer will plan a public reconciliation at which time she will announce her bid to become the next ‘octomom’… but sadly no one will care.

So, there you have it my friends. Madame Ranter’s Box has spoken and so it shall be!


  1. and josh hansen will go on to win his 3rd X Games gold in two weeks...along with a 450 class supercross championship in 2011...just a hunch

  2. @Plopculture: Awesome! Must admit that Josh looked much better last night... being that he wasn't wearing that ridiculous beenie. Can't wait to see the next reality show where he makes an appearance.

  3. i have no point of reference on this show... I can kinda guess the premise though. My prediction: hollywood wins in it's campaign to suck the brains of most american citizens out directly through the TV set. At that point, rupert murdoch and the chairman of the board of Viacom will join forces in a genocidal campaign against anyone with an IQ over 87 (their worst enemies). After that, finally, they will be able to realize their true goal: a one world government led by lady gaga and the jonas brothers.

    I will be dead by own hands somewhere between the brain sucking and the genocide.

  4. That is some funny shit!!! Especially the part about Heidi trying to be the next Octomom. Who are you going to make fun of now?

  5. @Charles: I'm guessing your hollywood prediction is fairly spot on. I too will call it a day should Lady GaGa and/or the dweeby Jonas Brothers gain command of the government. God help us all!

    @Anonymous: Thank you! The things I have to endure in the name of research... Don't you worry though my pretty (or handsome if that is the case) there will no doubt be some new supreme lord of douche bag world -- or douchette for me to ridicule.

  6. I secretly have an intense crush on Stephanie Pratt. Her appearances on The Soup are hilarious, and I kind of feel like she's in on the joke and just profiting from it.

  7. @Steve G: I understand Stephanie is available and with all that new free time on her hands, well, you never know!

  8. Hey there Ranter! I always thought there was somethign up with that Justin-Bobby guy. He seemed kind of shady. LOL!! Russian spy ring, that is great and probably will end up being true.

    @Steve - You actually admit to having a crush on Stephanie, isn't she kind of a dingy broad?

  9. Analyze this dream...perhaps I am a talented psychic like you??? I had a dream Heidi begins working as an usher/MJ look alike at the Neverland Ranch once it is open to the public. LOL Can I get a tarot reading STAT???

  10. @Anonymous: Yes, things just never seemed to add up with Justin Bobby. I could never figure out if he was just strange, crazy or some covert operative.

    @Donda: Very funny stuff. Perhaps when Heidi fails to become the next octomom she will secretly plot to take over Neverland Ranch! ...And for you, tarot readings anytime Donda : )

  11. @Steve - You actually admit to having a crush on Stephanie, isn't she kind of a dingy broad?

    I think it's a bit of an act. From her appearances on The Soup, she definitely seems aware of her public persona and is willing to milk it a bit. However, I also think that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are smarter than portrayed, so take that for what its worth.


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