Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Zany but true predictions for the now former cast members of The Hills
Ok, so when I’m not blogging or playing an armchair psychologist or dream analysis expert on the internet I sometimes like to pretend that I am a highly acclaimed gypsy fortune teller. Yes, that’s right folks, just consider me a self-proclaimed phenomenally awesome psychic with my very own magical crystal ball that enables me to see into the questionable futures of ‘fame whore reality stars’. Now how cool and fun is that? Being psychic and all, I just knew without a doubt that you would be so, so excited!
Anyway, last night that incredibly scintillating, academy award winning reality show otherwise known as The Hills finally came to an end. As such, I thought it only appropriate that Madame Ranter’s Box should look deep inside her ‘magic eight ball’ and foretell the futures of those now jobless, paparazzi addicted, drama queen former cast members of The Hills. So, without further adieu here we go…
She was the one with the hot body who carried on an intense soap opera love affair with ‘bad boy’ Justin Bobby and who also had a brief romantic relationship with tool head Ryan Cabrera.
Prediction: Audrina will continue to capitalize on her feminine assets by landing a few unsuccessful ‘hot chick’ roles in B-grade movies. After dropping off the radar for a few years, she will stage a minor comeback by posing for a six-page pictorial in Playboy. Audrina will then have to choose between marrying a pro-wrestler or becoming Hugh Hefner’s next girlfriend.
He was the mysterious, game-playing guy who banged Audrina on & off for four years. JB drove around on a motorcycle, seemed to disappear for long stretches of time, and often dressed like someone having an identity crisis. He also had a brief sexual liaison with Kristen Cavallari.
Prediction: Justin Bobby will finally be named as the 15th member of the ‘Russian Spy Ring’ and will be deported after intense interrogation by the CIA.
She was the bitchy one who came in to take over the lead role when Lauren Conrad bailed on the show. Kristen is also the one who publically claimed that Brody Jenner was ‘vanilla in bed’ yet still continued to chase after BJ and try to make him her boyfriend until the bitter end.
Prediction: Kristen’s plan to release her scathing behind-the-scenes book about The Hills will further fracture relationships with her ex-cast mates and result in her having to live abroad for several years. While away she will become the notorious madam of a high-priced european escort service… all while plotting against the unsuspecting victims in her future tell-all book!
He was the slimy player dude otherwise known as ‘the son of Bruce Jenner’ who did his best to bang as many of his female cast members as possible all while pitting them against random newbies or skanky playmates.
Prediction: Brody will continue to coast through life, party, and screw a multitude of bimbos. He will eventually land a job for a short period of time as an infomercial host for erectile dysfunction products. When the TV work (thankfully) dries up, he will move behind the scenes and start up a special website for players called ‘Whores-are-Us’.
Lo Bosworth and Stephanie Pratt
Lo was the quiet girl-next-door who tended to stay away from most of the ongoing drama amongst the cast members. Stephanie was the ditzy, conniving publically disowned sister of Spencer Pratt. She was also the unlucky party girl who got a DUI while on the show.
Prediction: Both Lo and Steph will move to the suburbs of the San Fernando Valley, become neighbors and pretty much fade into obscurity. A few years down the track they will open a semi-successful diet cupcake shop called ‘Starlight Cupcakes’.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
She was the manipulative drama queen who was obsessed with fame and plastic surgery. He was the crazy, angry, controlling fame-whore dude who was obsessed with crystals. Together they schemed to do anything and everything to stay on the cover of as many trash tabloid magazines as possible -- all while being publically ridiculed.
Prediction: Upon being served with divorce papers from Heidi, Spencer will be committed to a mental institution (finally). During his time in the nuthouse he will take up arts and crafts and plot his future media comeback. Heidi will attempt an unsuccessful career as the next female action star. After becoming nothing more than a mere blip in the memory of reality TV, Heidi and Spencer will plan a public reconciliation at which time she will announce her bid to become the next ‘octomom’… but sadly no one will care.
So, there you have it my friends. Madame Ranter’s Box has spoken and so it shall be!