Monday, October 24, 2011

You Are a Star



In the name of positivity, here is the latest music video from my dear friends Jeremy Buck & The Bang. This song is a tribute to all of those amazing people who serve others and help to make the world a better place. We all know someone like this, and perhaps you are even one of those special individuals. To each and every one of those angels who serve, I extend a heartfelt THANK YOU!

And now, without further adieu, crank up your computer speakers and enjoy:




Happy Monday my lovelies and have a joyful week!
xo The Empress


PS: Please show JB&TB some love by going to their facebook page and clicking "LIKE" or leaving some props for them down in the comments section below. Thanks!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Fun Photo of the Day


Hot off the presses, this is the latest version of the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign. It kind of brings a whole new meaning to the words Joy Stick...

Please feel free to leave your own caption for the photo down below in the comments section.

Enjoy your weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Nekkid Vampires on the Loose AGAIN


Back in August I had the pleasure of reporting on a half-naked wacked out dude who broke into a woman’s bedroom in the middle of the night and assaulted her all whilst hissing like an animal and biting her neck. However, as unbelievably freaky as that crazy vampire-like attack might have been, apparently it wasn’t a bizarre one-off incident.

In early September, 22 year old Floridian Josephine Rebecca Smith engaged in her very own version of “Vampires Gone Mad”. St. Petersburg police reported that Smith attacked a 69 year gentleman who had fallen asleep on the deserted porch of a local Hooter’s restaurant. Smith told the undoubtedly shocked senior citizen that she was a vampire and then proceeded to savagely bite him, tearing off chunks of his face as well as a part of his lip.

Fortunately the victim was able to scramble back into his motorized wheel chair and hightail it to a nearby gas station where he was then able to call the police. And thankfully, despite being someone’s drink du jour, the old man’s injuries only required stitches. He is expected to fully recover but will no doubt steer clear of blood thirsty twenty-somethings now and in the future.

Authorities later found vampire girl half-naked and covered in blood on the porch of Hooter's, claiming she didn’t remember anything about the ghoulish attack. After assessing that Smith herself had not been attacked, police arrested her and booked her on charges of aggravated assault on an elderly person. Her bail was set at US $50,000.

Clearly Little Miss Vampiress has had one too many drinks from the devil’s cup. Let’s hope she and Vampire Boy don’t hook up and spawn their own clan of mini vamps once they are finally released from the supernatural wing of their respective local psychiatric hospitals.

Happy October my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Fun Bags and Chips


Today's Video of the Week shines the spotlight on the legendary dumb blonde. Love her or hate her, she possesses that oh-so magical ability to always keep things interesting and amusing. Case in point:



Props to the reader who leaves the funniest caption below in the comments section.

Have a wonderful week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I'm TOO Sexy for my Pants

Due to time constraints, we'll keep this post short and sweet today my lovelies and just go with a photo of the day:


"I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY PANTS"


And yes, while the photo is a wee bit rude, hopefully the image brought a bit of smile to your day. Please feel free to leave your own caption for the photo down below in the comment section.

Have a fantabulous rest of the week!
xo The Empress


Friday, September 9, 2011

Stuffing and Little Faux Hookers

The show toddlers & tiaras seems to take the brunt of disdain expressed by the public for its often shocking portrayal of the child beauty pageant world. In reality it should be the poor judgment of the shitty parents of pageant contests that should be brought into question.

First there was the mother who decided that dressing her pageant daughter up in a Dolly Parton costume complete with fake boobies was a good idea. When questioned as to what "those things" were, even the toddler knew that a three year old should not be prancing around on stage with stuffing in her bosom area.

But not to be outdone in the jackwagon department, another mother took her pageant antics to a completely new and shameful level. Case in point, check out this video clip highlighting how one woman thought that dressing her toddler up as a mini-prostitute was an appropriate and title-winning competition strategy:



What's next? Pole dancing in the the talent portion of the beauty pageant?
Totally disgusting ...I'm just saying...

Happy Weekend my lovelies! I hope you'll please excuse my sporadic appearance in the blogosphere lately. From time to time my paying job will require my full attention but please know that I miss each and every one of you while I am away. Thanks for hanging in there!!

xo The Empress

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Fun with words – Naughty Bits Edition Part Deux

Once while waiting at an appointment I had the rare opportunity to peruse the chick magazines, you know the ones with all the silly fashion, sex and relationship advice. One particular magazine had an article featuring the pet names that couples call each other’s naughty bits. And being the word perv that I am, you know I was all over that article like bread on butter.

(***WARNING: For those of you with lily white virginal eyeballs and G-rated sensibilities, PLEASE STOP READING NOW. This post contains LOTS and LOTS of FUN NAUGHTY WORDS!!!***)

The pets names listed ranged from flattering (king kong) to amusing (dongola). However, I was very much surprised to read that one guy actually admitted to habitually referring to his partner’s lady bits as a "ham wallet" …and that he was still alive and breathing with his weiner and both balls fully intact.

There were a few other names listed for the male and female nether regions but not nearly enough to satisfy my obviously demented dirty little mind. So, I went in search of additional penis and vadge nicknames, all pervy of course, and here is what I found:

FEMALE NAUGHTY BITS – Top Half
Boobies, ta-ta’s, tits, breasticles, hooters, knockers, jugs, melons, cans, boobs, yabbos, honkers, skin sacks, rib cushions, gazongas, torpedoes, dirty pillows, pontoons, headlights, bazookas, rack, cantaloupes, twin peaks, butter bags, roundies, ottomans, sweater meat, love bubbles, boobage, and fun bags.

FEMALE NAUGHTY BITS - Bottom Half
Fur burger, meat curtain, butcher slit, fish taco, squish mitten, cooter, kitty, oyster ditch, pork steeple, meat locker, muff, hairy doughnut, spam purse, cod pouch, finger hut, poontang, whisker biscuit, tampon socket, camel toe, goop chute, fish lips, sperm sucker, hatchet wound, cum dumpster, panty taco, cock socket, Notorious V.A.G., Black & Decker pecker wrecker, twat, glory hole, beef sheath, fun hatch, and honey pot.

MALE NAUGHTY BITS
Cock-a-doodle-do, willy, schlong, main brain, prick, johnson, shaft, pecker, boner, dong, knob, woody, chubby, magic wand, pork sword, stiffy, tool, phallus, kitty massager, sausage, wang, pocket rocket, trouser snake, vadge slayer, ding dong, john thomas, one-eyed wonder worm, tube steak, family jewels, skin flute, pee-pee, mutton dagger, purple helmet, rooster, twig, weiner, disco stick, blow pole, tallywacker, meat whistle, and bologna pony.

And now that I have further corrupted all of your saintly minds, please go forth and have an amazingly fantabulous week!
xo The Empress


PS: Please feel free to leave your own favorite names for naughty bits in the comment section below. You get extra points for creativity and vulgarity!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Car No Go


After experiencing a recent and rather shocking case of extremely poor customer service, I thought I would share it with you because that is what we often do here at The Ranter’s Box. We rant and take the piss at stupid human behavior and/or businesses that have no business providing so-called service to the general public.

Today’s rant features shitty customer service at the car wash. Following is a recap of the rather unfortunate event:

• Drive perfectly-functioning vehicle to the local carwash for a deluxe wash and wax.

• Request type of car wash and hand keys over to semi-literate car wash attendant.

• Go inside shop to pay and then wait outside for 30 glorious minutes in the sunshine.

• Start to wonder what in the heck is taking (daft) car washers so long to wash such a teeny tiny vehicle.

• See vehicle pop out the end of the car wash area and sigh a bit of relief …temporarily.

• Notice large sumo wrestler is driving vehicle with two other car wash attendants laughing and pushing vehicle like it is a clown car.

• Car wash attendants commence with drying and polishing vehicle so not too concerned but make note to self that tip should reflect their somewhat inappropriate conduct.

• Head over to vehicle when car wash attendants signal vehicle is ready.

• Inquire as to why car wash attendants were joking around and using vehicle like a toy.

• (Stupid) attendant replies “Car No Go”.

• To which The Empress responds “What do you mean, car no go?”

• “Car no go. Car broken”, they reply.

• By this point The Empress is NOT amused and asks to speak with the manager.

• Partially literate ‘manager’ turns up and says that the car is “dead” and suggests that The Empress contact a mobile mechanic.

• “What do you mean the car is dead? It was running perfectly fine when I drove it up here and handed you my car keys thirty minutes ago. I do not recall delivering the vehicle to you on a flatbed truck, so what exactly did you do to my car?” The Empress demanded.

• Smart-ass but obviously incredibly dumb manager fails to take any responsibility, despite the crowd of customers that are all starting to wonder what in the frick is going on and hoping they aren't next.

• On the verge of going kung-fu on their moronic asses, The Empress tells them that they had better fix whatever the hell they did to jack up the vehicle and do it PRONTO!

• Semi-intelligent car wash attendant shows up with a portable battery charger box and actually manages to get the vehicle running in a matter of seconds, prompting The Empress to wonder why they didn't bother doing this before turning the vehicle back over to her ...OR before she found out in the first place.

• The Empress takes possession of the vehicle and tells the stupid pack of jackasses that she will never use their shitty car wash again and drives off giving them a well deserved one finger salute!

MORAL OF THE STORY: (1) Never knowingly turn your beloved vehicle over to a half-witted sumo wrestler and his two imbecile sidekicks and expect said vehicle to be returned to you in its original condition. (2) And steer clear of Beacon Bay Car Wash(es). They SUCK big sweaty, hairy, smelly donkey balls!


Happy Monday my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, August 19, 2011

I Vant to Suck Yor Blood



It’s obvious that someone has had one too many bowls of Count Chocula or watched far too many episodes of those blood sucking vampire dramas on TV. This week police officials in Galveston, Texas reported that (an obviously mentally disturbed) 19-year old “drakul” wanna-be named Lyle Monroe Bensley broke into a woman’s apartment and proceeded to hiss and growl whilst biting and hitting her in her bed.

Thankfully the woman escaped unharmed from her vampy assailant. Police later found Bensley all but naked in parking lot sporting only his tattoos, body piercings and a pair of boxer shorts. Galveston Police Captain Jeff Heyse reported that upon apprehension, nosferatu boy claimed that he was “a 500 year old vampire that needed to feed”.

Currently Bensley is reportedly being held in the Galveston County Jail on a charge of home burglary with intent to commit a felony. Hopefully his next stop will be a nice padded room in the local psychiatric hospital…

Happy Friday my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, August 15, 2011

They said WHAT???


It can be a rather interesting exercise to read employees’ often bizarre and/or entertaining responses to questionnaires describing their jobs. The following comments were made in writing by real life public sector workers when asked about their job duties and position requirements:


At times I am asked to move mountains and raise the dead

The criminal justice system would come to a screeching halt if my position didn’t exist

Must be able to fight and wrestle individuals

Oversee the installation of school flashers

Transport prisoner dogs when officers make arrests for drunk driving

Subjected to terroristic threats from citizens

Exposure to fly infestations and huge dead rats” (note: office job)

Must be able to handle extreme hot and cold attitudes generated by coworkers and the public

Subjected to name calling and chair slinging

Physical requirements: fingerprinting and unlocking the bean hole

Assume responsibility for the department’s petty cash and coke funds” (note: police clerk)

Extraordinary working conditions: loss of appendages

Job duties: reporting to work sober and on time

Sometimes there are just words with no details and I have no clue what to do

Bonus Questionnaire Word of the Day: “ANNISHITIVE”

The questionnaires were all reviewed and signed-off by each of the workers’ direct superiors, further highlighting why exactly so many governmental agencies are jacked up, ineffective, and a huge waste of taxpayer revenue.


Happy Monday my lovelies and watch out for those school flashers and huge rats in the work place!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Strange Addictions- Diaper Edition

Just when you think you've seen and heard it all, along comes another fascinating human being that makes you pause and say "WTF?" Case in point, check out this video clip featuring Riley who is addicted to being an adult baby.

For you impatient souls (like me) who want to just skip ahead to the juicy part (literally) then fast forward to around 2:25 where Riley tells the world just how much she loves the comforting feeling of having a "warm wet diaper":



It's probably a safe bet to say that there isn't any hanky panky happening up in that crib!


Happy Hump Day my lovelies and thanks for being patient while I have been away tending to life outside of the blogosphere.

xo The Empress

Monday, July 25, 2011

Busy Bee, that's Me!


Hello my lovelies! Apologies for neglecting you all. Please know that I miss each and every one of you. Right now personal and professional responsibilities are requiring my immediate attention. I'm very much looking forward to being able to catch up on reading all of your wonderful blogs and hope to be able to do so in the near future. When I resurface I also promise to bestow you all with the usual snarkiness to which you have grown accustomed. Until then, I hope you have an amazing week!!

xo The Empress

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Empress Etiquette: Underwear Edition


When spending the day at a very public and well populated beach, it is NEVER acceptable for a fully grown member of the male species to strip off his kit all the way down to his tighty whities, dive into the ocean, and then proceed to play a vigorous game of Frisbee all whilst wearing completely see-thru white underwear and running to and fro in ankle deep water.

So Attention All Male Offenders: No one wants to have their beautiful ocean scenery jacked up by repeatedly seeing some dude’s nasty wet butt crack or disgusting hairy ball sack bounce in and out of view. Please keep your man junk covered or stay the heck home! That is all.

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, July 18, 2011

Things that SUCK: Car Alarm Edition


After a gawd-awful week and a half of having to listen to this shit, I can’t think of anything more annoying than the sound of a psychotic car alarm with a very bad case of Tourette’s. Currently myself and some of the other sleep deprived neighbors are seriously thinking of taking a grenade launcher to the offending vehicle in question. Doing so may be our only hope towards restoring some much needed peace and quiet to the neighborhood. Apparently the management over at the ghetto property where the vehicle is parked don’t give a rat’s ass that a screeching car alarm is going off day and night for hours at a time. And clearly neither does the Barney Fife wanna-be security guard over at the property or the inconsiderate jackwagon who owns the vehicle that sounds something like this:




Happy Monday my lovelies and may you enjoy a serene and blissful week!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

It's Happy Dance Time!


Yesterday I was as giddy as a school girl when I discovered the follower count here at The Ranter's Box hit the 300 mark! A big shout-out goes to Byakuya over at Hilarious Images for officially becoming the 300th reader. If you aren't familiar then head on over, have a gander, show some blog love, and make a new friend or two.

In the meantime, check out this wee video that encompasses the spirit of just how happy I am to know that after a year you guys keep coming back for more snarkiness and that our little bloggy family continues to grow (but hopefully grow in a way that is different than the trouser snake in this dude's undies):




And for all you loyal man readers' out there, just pretend this is me dancing in some sexy lingerie or a bikini. Also, I have absolutely no idea what the heck this video is meant to be advertising but it seems like a good example of a happy dance all the same.

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Say goodbye to pillow humping

Having no real intention to play Blogosphere Sexologist today, I was rather surprised to have come across this rather questionable canine product:



Now after watching that video I couldn't help but wonder:
  • What kind of twisted individual thinks to invent a device like this?
  • What sort of  sick and raunchy stuff did they get up to in the Hot Doll Research & Development Lab when they were developing this product?
  • Who is responsible for cleaning off Fido's love doll after he engages in a nice little hump fest?

Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Veggies and Shit Storms


It’s rather interesting to discover which types of blog posts illicit the most comments and even outright fury by some readers. Back in the early days of my blogging, one of my favorite bloggers ‘The Bitchy Waiter’ posted something about vegetarians*. That particular post made me realize that something as mundane and innocuous as vegetables could spark a blogging shit storm of major proportions.

Yes, you read that correctly. Vegetables. Category 5 shit storm. Readers were leaving quite lengthy and fascinating comments supporting their case for OR against being a vegetarian. Now I like a spirited debate as much as the next person but the situation quickly veered off track and started to get ugly.

The mud-slinging and casting of sticks and stones was beyond epic. And to be truthful, somewhat entertaining. Some anonymous douche canoe crossed over the line and wrote a derogatory racial comment that had positively no relevance to the topic at hand. Another person alluded to some nonsense about vegetarians not being cable of having orgasms. And as to be expected, there were guilt inducing comments that had incredibly heavy political or moral undertones.

Being a vegetarian, I of course had to share my two cents as well. I totally get that there are some wacky and sanctimonious vegans and vegetarians out there who constantly climb up on their rickety-ass soap boxes and chastise anyone who dares to consume meat. Those types of annoying and holier than thou crack pots get on my nerves too. But not all vegetarians are like that. I for one am most certainly not.

Basically I was born a vegetarian. I eat normal food just minus any sort of meat. This is because I do not enjoy the taste, texture or even smell of meat. Eating meat does not agree with my body and therefore I do not eat anything that has a face. It is as simple as that.

However, not eating meat is where I draw the line. I am not a vegan and have zero desire to venture over into that territory. If other people choose a lifestyle of veganism then good on them. I happen to love the yummy deliciousness that is otherwise known as cheese, yogurt and ice cream far too much to ever imagine my life without them.

With that being said, I admit that when it comes to going out to eat the process is generally a major pain in the ass for a vegetarian. This because there are usually very few desirable choices on the menu for a vegetarian. But then why should a restaurant have to cater to me and my individual food preferences? They shouldn't.

And as for those gross little eating establishments that cater to vegans and vegetarians, I absolutely 100% avoid them like the plague. For some strange reason their menu selections tend to consist of creepy sounding ingredients and abnormally high concentrations of garlic, to which I am highly allergic.

But big deal. I go out to eat and share meals with others because I enjoy the company of those involved. I can always order a salad minus the meat or even better have dessert instead! If my dinner companions want to eat ginormous, bloody raw steaks then more power to them.

This perspective comes from understanding and appreciating that there are many people who (unlike me) just so happen to salivate over big honking slabs of juicy roasted meat. I on the other hand just so happen to drool over chocolate cupcakes and designer handbags. And yes, many of those lovely purses just so happen to be made out of leather.

But in the grand scheme of things who really cares? Maybe if more people focused on finding common ground with others instead of looking for the things that could potentially divide them, then perhaps the world would be a happier place. …I’m just saying…

Happy Monday my lovelies!
xo The Empress


*This particular post was also how I became acquainted with my dear bloggy friend Mrs. Hyde over at 'A Bitch Called Mom'. Go check her out if you aren't already familiar. She is incredibly fun to read!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Complaint Letters: Bad Neighbors Edition


Dear New Neighbors from Hell,

While I appreciate that you were obviously raised in some backwoods, nasty and uncivilized manner where consideration for others was never instilled, here in the civilized world we decent human beings generally behave far less selfishly and disruptively than you have chosen to conduct yourselves thus far.

One can only imagine how incredibly exciting it must be for you to finally have amazing new inventions such as electricity, running water, and washing machines inside your dwelling. However, please note that their mere existence doesn’t mean that you should run your washer for 36 hours straight, turn your shower on and off repeatedly throughout the day like some crazy obsessive compulsive knob heads, or blast your annoying base pumping stereo into the wee hours of the night.

The reason security was called to your apartment for noise complaints three times in one night and again the next morning was because you are rude and inconsiderate assholes.

And while we are on the subject of noise, enough already with your Tourette’s style obsession with slamming doors, windows, cupboards and drawers. You now live in a place where you share walls with other human beings. It constantly sounds as if a herd of bulls is loudly ransacking your apartment. Please quiet the hell down and show some consideration for the people that live above and beside you.

On another note, it is completely understandable that clueless former cave-dwellers such as yourselves are totally chuffed to now have actual cooking appliances inside a real and properly functioning kitchen. This must be a huge change from the open fire pits you are accustomed to using for roasting your possums and other road kill. And as exciting as those cooking appliances must be for you to use, please note that your stove has a magic button that you press to turn on its exhaust fan. This fan helps eliminate some of the horrific stench that permeates into your neighbors’ apartments every time you cook up one of your disgusting kimchi-chitlin-dog meat-rotten trash concoctions. Please for the love of gawd, use your exhaust fan lest you stink us all out of house and home.

And last but by no means least, while I appreciate that you are heavy, compulsive chain smokers who clearly go through cases of cigarettes each day, your constant smoking outside your front door and out on your patio means that your neighbors can no longer open any of their windows, use their balconies, or even enter and exit their homes without being subjected to your foul-smelling and dangerous smoke. Second hand smoke kills and no one has a right to endanger the health of others just because they have a nasty and dangerous habit. So please stop filling the inside of your neighbors' apartments with smoke and poisoning us with your cancer causing cigarettes before I run your scummy asses back to the hillbilly shack from which you came.

This is your first and final warning you inconsiderate jacktards. Don’t make me tell you again!

Regards,
The Empress

Monday, June 27, 2011

WTF - Walmart Edition


There always seem to be plenty of tales and comments circulating about the incredibly bizarre fashions people wear whilst shopping at Walmart. I've even personally joked about someday wanting to dress up in my sexy police lady costume and pretend to arrest random people for shoplifting at Walmart. However, after seeing the lingerie, ill-fitting clothing, exposed butt cracks/cheeks, and other atrocious get-up's in the video below, I seriously doubt that purposely choosing to wear a Halloween costume to Walmart would even garner a second glance from their shoppers:



Perhaps Walmart might want to seriously consider instituting a dress code for shoppers. It is rather obvious that some of their patrons are completely clueless when it comes to determining what is appropriate (or NOT) for wearing whilst in public places.


Have a fantabulous week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Thursday, June 23, 2011

What a Joke: House Arrest Edition

It’s been a while since I did a celebutard update but seeing as the incredibly self-indulgent, non-law abiding lunatic Lindsey Lohan is still managing to get herself into trouble while under so-called ‘house arrest’, I thought I would take the opportunity to demonstrate what a complete farce the California judicial system continues to be when it comes to punishing celebrities.

To recap, due to so-called jail overcrowding, Lindsey the Prison Evader was originally sentenced to house arrest for violating her (most recent) probation when she was charged with stealing a $2,500 necklace from a local jewelry store. Lilo started her 35-day sentence of ‘house vacation’ on May 26, 2011 at her multi-million dollar cushy beachside Venice, CA home.

While under ‘house vacation’ Lindsey has been allowed to: have visitors, take business meetings, conduct revenue generating interviews with trash tabloids, film a commercial for Beezid.com (for an undisclosed sum of money), pose for photographs, host a roof-top party she referred to as a BBQ for friends, lounge in the sun, watch movies, and enjoy all the creature comforts of her luxurious home.


Yet despite photographic evidence of Lindsey partying on her rooftop, probation officers being recently called out to her house when her electronic monitoring bracelet sounded an alarm, and Lilo reportedly failing an alcohol test, she again got just another silly little slap on the wrist.

Today during a court hearing, Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner (the very same judge who reduced Lindsey’s felony grand theft charge down to a misdemeanor and ordered her to ‘house vacation’) stated that despite Lilo having tested positive for alcohol during a June 13th, 2011 test, she DID NOT think that the troubled starlet had violated her probation.

See the wine glasses and booze bottle? Obviously there is no drinking going on...

The judge however did finally tell Lindsey (six days before her sentence ends) that she is not allowed to have parties while serving house arrest. How convenient. Her house arrest is scheduled to end on June 29, 2011.

Way to go Judge Sautner! Nothing like teaching a habitual criminal offender a good lesson…


Enjoy the rest of your week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, June 20, 2011

I see London, I see France, I see someone’s Junderpants


Just when you think the list of ridiculous fashion items (like mankinis, bedazzled t-shirts, pajama jeans, and curly-toed boots) can’t get any worse, along comes the latest disaster that should never see the light of day: Junderpants.

Junderpants or JeanPants as they are called in Tokyo, are basically boxer briefs designed to look like worn denim cut-off’s. They cost US$63.00 per pair and come in sizes Medium (30-33 inch waist) or Large (33-36 inch waist) …which thankfully rules out the ability for most men to be able to wear

If you happen to have a slim friend or loved one whose fashion sense is closely aligned with that of the Village People OR who simply enjoys packing his twig and berries inside very form fitting underwear, then Junderpants are just the perfect gift!

Have a fantabulous week my lovelies,
xo The Empress

Friday, June 17, 2011

Monkey see monkey drink


Recently I discovered a fascinating new species of party animal, the booze swilling Caribbean vervet monkey. These cheeky little buggers originally developed a penchant for alcohol by eating fermented sugar cane from the fields. Nowadays however they just roll straight up to tourist laden beach bars and get their happy hour on monkey style:



And remember, it's not really a party until you knock over the furniture...

Happy Friday my lovelies!

xo The Empress

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I think I broke the naughty meter


Over the weekend while I was visiting Lost’s blog, the always enjoyable My Own Private Idaho, I was giddy as a school girl to discover the Clean Meter. (You can click on the blue link to give it a whirl.)

Now for those of you that are out of the loop, the Clean Meter is a website where you can type in the web address of your favorite blog or website. Then behind the scenes some highly puritanical minions will magically scour the site to determine its level of appropriateness (OR NOT) for viewing.

Basically, green means the site is fairly safe for viewing. Yellow means to use caution when viewing. And red means “Danger Will Robinson”. Based on this criterion you probably have a fairly good idea regarding which particular zone The Ranter’s Box landed.

Yes, that’s right boys and girls. The Ranter’s Box pushed the Clean Meter’s ratings needle all the way to the far end of the RED ZONE. Neon lights started flashing with the words “read this blog and you are guaranteed to burn in hell for all of eternity” or something equally discouraging. A concerned priest then popped online and asked if I would like to give a confession or some similar nonsense …Okay, maybe I made up that last part. I am after all a heathen sinner and therefore prone to such offenses…

Even so, I must admit that I was rather elated and somewhat perplexed by the particulars of my red zone rating which you can see here:


Now being that I am the original Word Perv I will gladly own up to some questionable language or borderline profanity but all and all I remain a classy lady with a strong moral compass. My invention and/or liberal use of silly little phrases is meant all in good fun regardless of what those uptight wankers over at Clean Meter think.

As for those allegations of sexual solicitation, I’m still scratching my head. Perhaps those daft Clean Meter puritans have mistaken my love for blog pimping (and whoring) as a seedy and illegal sexual activity for which I am trying to profit. Methinks not. It’s common knowledge that I pimp my lovelies for FREE because I adore each and every one of you.

xo The Empress


PS: Now go forth, test your blogs on the Clean Meter, and report back in the comment section below. Let’s see who gets the cleanest / most vulgar ratings.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Fun with Words: Empress Phraseology


Being that one of my missions in life is to bring a bit of joy into readers lives, I thought I would provide you with an updated list of Empress Phraseology. For those of you who are new to this neck of the woods or simply unfamiliar, consider this list to be a mini-dictionary of (mostly) potty mouthed terminology that you will find over here at The Ranter’s Box - Home of Word Pervery.

(***PLEASE TAKE THIS TERMINOLOGY WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. IT'S MEANT ALL IN GOOD FUN. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR OR ENJOY SLIGHTLY RAUNCHY DISCUSSION, THEN PLEASE GO FIND YOURSELF A NICE LITTLE BLOG DEDICATED TO THE HISTORY OF BUTTER MAKING.***)


B.O.N.’ed: (verb) To receive the highly coveted award ‘Blog of Note’ by Blogger.
(Example) The Empress is itching to be B.O.N.’ed once and for all!

Celebutard: (noun) A person who is famous for being famous and often engages in stupid, inappropriate or outright illegal behavior. (Example) Despite her well-known criminal record, that celebutard Paris Hilton loves to play all sweet and innocent.

Cocklick or Cocknozzle: (noun) Someone who is known for being a major brown-noser or asshole. (Example) That Gertrude is such a cocklick. She would do anything to get a promotion.

Cookie: (noun) Female genitalia. Also known as a vadge or vajayjay.
(Example) When serving dessert, it is very important to keep one’s cookie nicely groomed.

Ding Dong: (noun) Male genitalia. Also known as a cockadoodledoo.
(Example) He had a large ding dong and was quite skilled at performing the weenie dance.

Donut: (noun) Any hole in which a horny male sticks his thingy in for sexual gratification. (Example) After last call horny Stanford scanned the bar for a quick donut to bang.

Douche Canoe: (noun) The highest ranking official in the douche bag army.
(Example) That fame whore from The Jersey Shore is the ultimate douche canoe.

Drive-thru: (noun) A random and/or one-time-only sexual encounter. (Example) Daphne the wonder ho had a drive-thru with some sleazy guy she picked up in the club.

Eff or Effing: (noun, verb or adjective) Favorite curse word of The Empress. (Example) It’s hard to determine the biggest moron when it comes to that effing pack of jackasses.

Fame Whore: (noun) Incredibly annoying people who will do or say just about anything to keep their name in the media. (Example) Kim K. is the current reigning fame whore of the Hollyhood.

Gone Sheen: (verb) To display inappropriate and insane behavior similar to “He Who Shall Not Be Named”. (Example) That narcissistic, womanizing, batshit crazy Colin has totally gone sheen again.

Gluteolacunosity: (noun) Assholeness.
(Example) He displayed sheer gluteolacunosity and stupidity when he raced down the road weaving between cars and cutting off other vehicles.

Jackwagon or Jacktard: (noun) A major idiot or moron. (Example) Carlton is such a jackwagon. Yesterday he caught his dick in his pants zipper for the third time this year.

Jiggly Bits: (noun) Excess fat that is stored in the arms, back, stomach, butt or thighs.
(Example) After blowing out her Spanx she decided it was finally time to do something about the jiggly bits on her ass and thighs.

Knob-slob: (verb) The act of giving a highly skilled and enjoyable BJ.
(Example) Prior to her man leaving for a business trip, Mary was seen knob slobbing away in the backseat of the car at the airport.

My lovelies: (noun) You my faithful and adored readers.
(Example) Life in the blogosphere would not be the same without you my lovelies.

Naughty Bits: (noun) Male or female genitalia; the nether regions below the belt.
(Example) The happy couple named each other’s naughty bits king dong and cock socket.

Shit weasel: (noun) A person who is a slimy and incredibly conniving jerk.
(Example) Bernard is such a shit weasel. He would do anything to further his own agenda.

Shit weasel: (verb) To stick one’s penis up someone else’s arse unexpectedly and without prior warning. (Example) She received a rude awakening when he decided to shit weasel her from behind.

Sucks big hairy sweaty smelly donkey balls: (verb) To majorly suck.
(Example) Verizon totally sucks big hairy sweaty smelly donkey balls.

The Hollyhood: (noun) The bizarre universe where celebrities live, work and socialize.
(Example) All hell broke loose in the Hollyhood when two starlets and a married politician were discovered to have made a super kinky sex tape.

Word Perv: (noun) A person who takes delight and is skilled at constructing, writing or speaking naughty phrases. (Example) The Empress is a total word perv!

Please feel free to amuse us all by leaving your own favorite words in the comment section below. Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

Thursday, June 9, 2011

More WTF fashion disasters


The other day when I was over at that crazy website Chuntaritos doing research on those awesomely hideous curly-toed boots I discovered a brand new treasure trove of outlandish fashion disasters. And because you all seem to enjoy taking the piss at stupidity as much as I do, I thought I would share a few of my shocking discoveries:


Nothing quite like taking a rat-tailed hairdo a little too literally!

Skinny jeans, cowboy boots, zebra print scarves and bizarre headwear DO NOT make for a sexy cowboy!

Despite our model's obviously jolly demeanor, DO NOT EVER attempt this look in public guys or the fashion police will revoke your manly bits once and for all!

Now go get yourselves a nice cup of brain bleach and enjoy the rest of your week my lovelies. Oh, and if you have any fashion no-no's you want to add to the list, feel free to leave your recommendations in the comment section below.

xo The Empress

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

WTF – Shoe Edition

Sometime ago I did what turned out to be a rather popular post on 'Fashion Don’ts for Dudes'. While I thought my list covered ALL of the major clothing sins a guy should refrain from committing, I've recently discovered through a friend a particular shoe item that most definitely needs to be included on the all-time list of atrocious things that guys should never, ever wear.

Case in point, check out these freaky curly-toed boots from south of the border:








While this silly footwear is probably a podiatrist’s dream come true, I’m guessing that even magical elves and leprechauns would be too embarrassed to wear these things!

xo The Empress

Friday, June 3, 2011

Smile you’re on candid camera



These days just about everywhere you go there are surveillance cameras. Whether it is at the bank, local convenience store, on the roadways, or even in the bedroom, someone is most likely watching you. And while that particular fact might feel a tad bit creepy to most of us, there are times when footage from surveillance cameras can be incredibly enjoyable to watch. Case in point, check out this video of a guy who taped his roommate’s rather interesting antics:




Who says white boys can’t dance? ... Now everybody dance NOW!


Happy Friday my lovelies,
xo The Empress

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

One Year and it’s time to pimp yourselves


It is amazing how quickly time passes. Today is the One Year Anniversary of The Ranter’s Box here in our funky little blogosphere. Never in a million years did I think that 365 days later I would be blessed with so many wonderful and loyal blog followers.

The virtual friendships that I have developed with people from across the globe are absolutely priceless. And your kind words and always amusing comments bring much joy and happiness to my day. For this I am forever grateful.

In honor of your awesomeness I’d like to follow in the footsteps of the gorgeous Mynx over at Dribble and ask all of you to please do the following:

Scroll down to the comment section below and leave your blog name along with a bit of information about your blog. Feel free to share the names of any other blogs you fancy as well. Links and humor are definitely welcome. Today is all about YOU!

Cheers and let’s get this pimping party started!!!

xo The Empress

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Short and Sweet Saturdays - Dancing Edition

Being that it’s the weekend baby (and a long holiday weekend in some parts of the world) we’ll keep this post short and sweet.

Today’s focus is on what we slightly depraved folks in the blogosphere seem to enjoy or what I like to refer to as Taking the Piss at Other Peoples Funny Mishaps – Dancing Edition:



Is it wrong that I laughed when the guy swung the lady around in the living room and crashed her head smack dab into the coffee table?

xo The Empress

PS: And a very big and heartfelt welcome to all the new readers who have recently joined our snarky family. Thanks a bunch for the blog love!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

You Are a Star so let’s celebrate!



In honor of my 200th post here at The Ranter’s Box I thought I would show some love to my good friends Jeremy Buck & The Bang, an amazing band based out of Los Angeles. They have just released their latest album called “You Are a Star”.

In honor of this momentous occasion and the birthday of Jeremy Buck himself, I thought I would give you the opportunity to preview all the rockin’ tracks on their new album by clicking on this link. Personally I’m a big fan of the highly addictive song “Just for One Night” as well as the beautiful “Outside My Window”. No doubt you will find your very own favorites as well.

You Are a Star” is now available to download and purchase at iTunes. You’ll definitely want to add these gents to your music collection.

In the meantime, crank up your computer speakers and enjoy this cool music video by Jeremy Buck & The Bang:




Enjoy the rest of your week my lovelies and don’t forget to make a rock star's week by getting your copy of “You Are a Star”!

xo The Empress

Monday, May 23, 2011

Lock up your men or my boobies will eat them!



Let me preface this post by stating that I do NOT condone messing around with someone else’s partner, cheating, or any other type of related behavior that most people would consider inappropriate. I have the utmost respect for a couple’s relationship whether they are married, engaged, seriously dating, shacking up, out on a date, or what have you.

With that being said, it is incredibly off-putting to encounter an obviously insecure woman who reacts in public as if someone else were intending to be all sneaky and try and steal her man. The phenomena to which I’m referring happens at the airport, in line at the big box stores, at the movies, in restaurants, or just about anywhere one might encounter couples out together.

If an insecure female is out with her man and another woman happens to be anywhere in the general vicinity, suddenly said female will start behaving in an inappropriately affectionate way towards her man. And by inappropriate I mean hanging all over her man, kissing his neck, rubbing her boobies or hoo-ha up on him, or even attempting a full-on make out session.

The interesting thing here is that most women who are subjected to this sort of behavior DON'T run around in skimpy little tight t-shirts emblazoned with the words ‘Man Eater’ on their tits all whilst casting wanton come hither looks at unavailable men. I know I definitely do not.

Most of the time we’re just off in our own little world innocently trying to get in and out of a store as quickly as possible when suddenly we’ll hear gross slurping noises behind us. When we turn around to investigate the source of vulgarity, we’ll catch some dude not-so-slyly checking us out whilst his desperate girlfriend is trying to give him huge hickeys anyplace she can land them.

Surprisingly this type of crap also happens when we’re publically accompanied by a man. One time while out on a rather un-enjoyable dinner date, I was trying to politely find a way to get home ASAP so I could instead watch re-runs of government hearings on CSPAN or color coordinate my sock drawer. Unfortunately my attention was diverted away from my escape plans by some creepy married guy at the next table who kept staring at me. His wife cottoned on pretty quickly to his wandering eye. She then responded in the trashiest of fashion by deep kissing and dry humping her man right in the middle of the restaurant, prompting me to want to vomit all over both of their nasty asses…

Taking all of this into account, the entire situation is pretty pathetic if you ask me. I’m not interested in anyone else’s man and neither are any of the other women who fall victim to this sort of nonsense. And we’re especially not keen on any guy that has to be kept on a short leash because he is prone to sniffing around at ladies other than his own.

So attention all you pathetic little insecure females: The problem isn’t US. The problem is YOU and your lack of self-confidence, not to mention your very poor choice in male partners. Now please go work on your self-esteem issues and stop acting like a cat in heat every time you and your jackwagon of a man are in the vicinity of another woman. It’s incredibly disgusting and sad.


Happy Monday my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Best Comment of the Week winner 5-21-11



A big bloggy shout-out goes to Lost.in.Idaho who left this hilarious comment on my recent “Barbie gets Boobs” post:

"Damn, if I could twist a girl's arm and watch her boobs grow, there would be WAY more dislocated shoulder cases at the local clinic!! Ladies, I apologize for that comment. But hehehe..."

Very clever I’m sure you’ll all agree. As such I am hereby nominating Lost as my winner for Best Comment of the Week. Be sure and stop by his blog My Own Private Idaho for a big dose of entertaining spuddy fun. And don’t forget to hit the “Follow” button! You can tell him I said so.




On another note, I want to say THANK YOU to my dear Aussie friend Mynx over at Dribble. She was kind enough to bestow me with the “Overlord Award” as was the awesome Laynee over at Lost in La La.

Being that this is now my third time receiving this particular award, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps some of you think I’m a bit of a bossy boots. (smiles sheepishly)




I also want to extend a huge THANKS to the always lovely Becca over at My Life who honored me with the “Good Bloggers Pay it Forward” award. I love pimping out other bloggers and usually find various ways of my own to do so. Hopefully you will as well because it feels good!

Becca, Mynx and Laynee are the wonderful kind of bloggers who are always the first to offer praise, encouragement, and to show support towards their fellow bloggers. If you aren’t yet following them, then be sure that you do. You won’t be disappointed.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, May 20, 2011

Don’t forget to pack this in your apocalypse survival kit



In my last post I shared information about an awesome new invention created by one of my brilliant friends. This invention just hit the stores and is sure to be a major hit in the marketplace, prompting the masses to wonder why in the heck they didn’t think of the idea first.

By contrast, on the flipside of the great invention coin is this rather stinky idea:



Use this and then imagine yourself trying to explain what in the bejeezus you have stuffed up in your drawers the next time you about to commence with some sexy time!!


Happy Friday my lovelies and see you on the other side,
xo The Empress

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I Wish I Would Have Invented This



When it comes to brilliant ideas for new products, I have to give a big thumbs up to my buddy over at Plopculture who is the brains behind the awesomely cool RPRT/Curad Skate Series bandages.

These officially licensed signature skate bandages are crafted to look like mini-skateboards and feature iconic artwork from some of the biggest names in skateboarding including NHS and Flip Skateboards.

This first series of skate bandages is now available at various retailers including Walmart, Winn Dixie, Price Chopper, Duane Reade, and Brookshire’s Food & Pharmacy.

In the future there will be artwork from other board companies featured as well as new bandages styled after different types of board sports.

Now go get yourself some of these amazing skate bandages and tell Mr. Meyerson that The Empress sent you!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Barbie gets Boobs



From Tattoo Barbie to Pregnant Barbie, the line of Barbie products that totally FAIL continues to grow. And by ‘grow’ I mean quite literally. Case in point, check out this video featuring Barbie’s previously less-endowed little sister Skipper:



Just what every insecure, flat-chested little girl needs to make her feel like she needs to run right out to the local cosmetic surgeon and buy herself a brand new set of ta-ta’s the very second that she is old enough to do so!


Happy Monday and have a fantabulous week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, May 13, 2011

Dorky doesn’t fall far from the tree



Let me preface this post by clearly stating that I am NOT one to say cruel or unkind things about someone’s level of attractiveness, height or other physical characteristics they can’t change because that would be just plain mean. However, I’m sure we’d all agree that there ARE plenty of things that a person can change when it comes to their overall appearance – things like grooming, hairstyle, and choice of clothing.

Apparently though, not everyone is aware of or even cares about this simple fact. There are segments of the population that seem less than inclined to dress or groom themselves in any way that is personally flattering or at all connected to the current trends of society. Perhaps these sorts of people want to focus upon being unique like Lady Gaga or Donald Trump. Or perhaps it is because they reside in Amish Country. Or maybe they are just plain clueless.

Case in point, once while out hiking my friend and I came across a family that caused us to look at each other with seriously raised eyebrows. Within this family was a young boy who could have been seen as your typical cute kid had his parents NOT ignorantly dressed him in high-waisted shorts that came up to his arm pits, a tucked in t-shirt, long black knee socks, and an incredibly moronic sun bonnet tied securely under his chin.

Seriously, the outfit was so bad that even Mr. Rogers would have laughed. The parents might as well have put a giant sign on the kid’s back that said “KICK ME” and then sent him straight into the clutches of the school bully because dressed like that Little Bonnet Boy is definitely doomed to be stuffed into school lockers and have his lunch money stolen on a regular basis.

Reflecting upon that kind of scenario does make one wonder about the kind of parents that would do such a thing to their young, innocent and impressionable child. But the answer to that particular question became readily apparent a few moments later when the kid’s father came strolling up the hiking path dressed in virtually the same idiotic nerdy outfit as his son.

So yes, apparently the phrase is true about the apple not falling far from the tree. Thanks to his dorky parents and their asinine way of attiring themselves and their offspring, this poor unfortunate dork-in-the-making doesn’t stand a chance in hell. Which is just plain wrong.

While it is true that not everyone is destined to be the school beauty queen or coolest kid on the block, no child should be should have the misfortune of being made (at the hands of their parents) into the class misfit or local social reject. There are plenty of affordable discount stores like Ross, Walmart, The Warehouse or even second-hand stores where parents can purchase children’s clothing that is reasonably stylish and looks like it comes from this decade.

So to all the clueless parents out there, please do your child a huge favor and actually think about this the next time you are dressing them or out shopping for their clothes …And NO, your kid would NOT love to wear that stupid reindeer holiday sweater with the pretty sparkles and ridiculous matching hat…


xo The Empress

Monday, May 9, 2011

Overlords and More Word Pervery



With a bit of perseverance, a few prayers, several submissions, a couple of cases of booze and some nudie photos used as bribes, I am pleased to announce that Urban Dictionary finally decided to publish my fourth NEW WORD entry into their amusing online dictionary.

Being that my latest word perv concoction is in direct reference to “He Who Shall Not Be Named”, their legal people probably scrutinized the hell out of each and every word of my new definition fearing that the incredibly cuckoo-for-cocoa-puffs Warlock might get all litigious and try to sue their pants off.

You can view my Urban Dictionary definition for GONE SHEEN by clicking on this link. Once you get there please click on the “thumbs up” button. If you are so inclined then feel free to hit that thumb sign several times daily and for all of eternity.

Let’s wear the frick out of that thumbs up button my lovelies! Doing so will help make the phrase “GONE SHEEN” famous. Plus it might even increase the likelihood that The Warlock will find out about the word, get his knickers in a twist and actually try to file suit against someone.




On another note, I have been slightly remiss in acknowledging the always entertaining Bruce over at JADIP who kindly bestowed me with the awesome Overlord Award. In thanks I ask that you please stop by JADIP and show Bruce and his adorable doggy Tucker some bloggy love.

By now I’m sure you’ve all figured out that I don’t tend to follow too many rules. However, this particular award requires that I state what I will decree in my new position as overlord and I thought I might actually play along:

I thy Royal Empress Overlord hereby command that all shitty drivers, jackwagon politicians, and fame-whoring celebutards IMMEDIATELY pack their belongings and move to another planet. This official banishment commences NOW and lasts FOREVER.

Have a fantabulous week and don’t forget to vote for my new word GONE SHEEN over at Urban Dictionary.

Thanks and Much Love,
The Empress

Friday, May 6, 2011

You just had WHAT?



Combine Blake Lively, Jessica Alba, AKON plus a few funny guys and you have an amusing example of one of the latest trends in video entertainment: the music parody video.

This genre of entertainment often features high-quality production work, award winning musical talent, and sexy A-list movie stars who are all in on the joke. Case in point, check out The Lonely Island comedy troupe singing their dorky spoof hit “I Just Had Sex”:



Gotta love the crotch fireworks!

Happy Weekend my lovelies,
xo The Empress