Sunday, February 27, 2011

Thanks for the Christchurch love

Thank you for hanging in there while I have been all but missing in action this past week. All of the heartfelt comments you have left in honor of the Christchurch, New Zealand earthquake victims are deeply appreciated. Being that so many of my dear friends have personally suffered from this devastating disaster, it is comforting to know that you continue to send your prayers and well wishes their way. For this I shall be forever grateful.

I also realize that you take time out of your busy day to stop by The Ranter’s Box for your regular dose of laughter and word pervery. Please know that being able to bring a smile to your day is still and will always be my primary mission. Therefore it is beyond touching that despite my recent sadness and lack of posts, that not only have you all continued to hang in there but we have also happily had some brand new readers join our snarky family.

You guys are the best!
xo The Empress

PS: For those of you that asked how you could donate to the 2011 Christchurch Earthquake Appeal, this is the link to the New Zealand Red Cross.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Don’t even think about dissing Christchurch

Hello my lovelies. When I bring out the nasty ole’ hater graphic you know it’s time for me to go all verbal kung fu on someone’s stupid and insensitive ass.

Yesterday I sadly reported that my adopted hometown of Christchurch, New Zealand was tragically hit by a devastating earthquake. Many of you kindly left beautiful comments that showed your love and support for the victims of this horrific disaster. Each of those comments was deeply appreciated.

Sitting here half-way around the world, I have been feeling rather helpless. My intention was to pass your comments along to my kiwi mates back in Christchurch so that they would know the world is praying for them during this time of tragedy and loss. I felt like this was the least that I could do.

Then I happened to read the following comment by some shit-for-brains fucktard:

"sorry to laugh, but Christchurch is a city name? What great marketing for church if ive ever seen.."

Now call me just a tad bit touchy and emotional right now, but WTF? After reading my post and viewing the accompanying video about the Christchurch earthquake, how could someone even be in the frame of mind to be laughing?

It is beyond disgusting that some asshole happens to think now is a good time to poke fun at this amazing city that has all but been destroyed in the worst natural disaster in its entire history.

Countless people have lost their lives and the death toll continues to rise. People that I know and love have lost their homes and businesses. Iconic landmarks and beautiful buildings have been destroyed. The city center is in ruins. Entire neighborhoods are flooded and certain to be lost. A place that I love with all of my heart has been forever changed.

So, to the sick and twisted sociopath that brought disrespect and hate to my blog:

You are no longer welcome here at The Ranter’s Box. Your behavior is beyond repugnant and will not be tolerated. There have been reports that you have left hateful comments on the blog sites of some of my friends. Please know with absolute certainty that no one messes with me, my bloggy family, my loved ones, and definitely not Christchurch without facing my wrath. You are in dire need of psychiatric help and should be ashamed of yourself. If you ever show your disgusting face around this blog again know without a doubt that I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

The Empress

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming

Most of the time it is all fun and games here at The Ranter’s Box but today it is important to switch things up a bit. Yesterday afternoon a major earthquake devastated my adopted hometown of Christchurch, New Zealand.

This is the second serious earthquake to strike Christchurch since a 7.1 magnitude quake hit back in early September 2010. Being that the latest quake struck mid-day with the epicenter a mere three miles from the center of the city, this trembler proved to be deadly.

While I am personally safe and currently living half way around the world, many of my dear Cantabrian friends have personally been impacted by this tragic event. Homes, businesses and lives have sadly been lost. Please join me in sending your positive thoughts and prayers to all the victims and their loved ones.

xo The Empress

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Feline Felonies: Klepto Edition

Over the years I have heard some pretty amazing tales about the various sorts of ingenious presents that house cats decide to bring home in the middle of the night. While mice and insects seem to be fairly typical, one friend’s cat somehow managed to drag an entire seagull in through the cat door and deposit it smack in the middle of the kitchen for mummy and daddy to find the next morning at breakfast.

But nothing has come close to what I recently discovered on this video:

Talk about a naught pussy…

Have a fantabulously effingtastic week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, February 18, 2011

Complaint Letters: Prankster Edition

Dear Public Nuisance Prankster,

I want to extend my most insincere thanks regarding the inconsiderate and asinine prank you pulled the other night. While it is understandable that you most likely have the brain capacity of a half-baked flea, myself and the other apartment building tenants DID NOT appreciate the way in which you went about getting your jollies at our expense.

At 2:00am hundreds of innocent people were peacefully sleeping, passionately shagging, happily watching porn, or otherwise productively engaged when you so rudely and intentionally decided it would be good fun to set off the fire alarm.

This resulted in non-stop shrieking, eardrum piercing alarms and flashing lights to go off. Disoriented and freaked out residents fled from the building in various states of undress, while the more daring tried to get their vehicles out of the underground parking garage in the midst of all the bedlam.

Everyone was forced to stay outside in the dark cold of night until the entire building, floor by floor, could be checked and cleared of any real and legitimate danger. All while you most likely watched and wacked off from afar with a shit-eating grin plastered on your nasty little evil face.

Please know that if we ever have the misfortune to cross paths that I will gladly rip your freaking head off your shoulders and drop kick it into next week. In the meantime, please do us all a favor and go get yourself a mofo life you useless and pathetic cocknozzle. And don’t make me tell you again!


The Empress

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Zap and take that!

Here is yet another crazy and cockamamie product for the girl that has everything OR the woman who is seeking the ultimate in feminine protection any time of the month.

This particular device is oh-so-appropriately named The Pink Stinger in reference to the 50,000 volts of electrical discharge that will sear the ball hair right off of an assailant and disable him in a puddle of his own piss:

Now how’s that for a Weapon of Mass Absorption?

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, February 14, 2011

Name that Star

Hello my lovelies it is time to play the Guessing Game and see if you can Name that Star. This particular guy is a major rock star who fronts one of the most famous bands of all time. He is a well-known Brit who is as ubber famous for one of his facial features as he is for his incredibly charismatic way with the ladies.

Seeing him perform last night for the first time ever on the Grammy’s made me take a wee trip down memory lane. Back in the day I had the good fortune to not only have dinner with this man but to also enjoy an unforgettable evening out on the town with him and then later attend a swanky private party he was hosting in a posh mansion.

It was a whirlwind couple of weeks that resulted in my marketing professor bribing me to get his much sought after autograph. In exchange, I was able to take my marketing exam a day late so that I could instead shop and get all dolled up for his spectacular not-to-be-missed party.

Now if you haven’t yet figured out the identity of this superstar, here is final clue:

And for the record, NO, I did not f*ck Mick Jagger …but I definitely could have played hide the salami with another A-lister that was also hanging with the entourage…

I’d love to hear all about your own celebrity encounters. Feel free to share your amazing adventures with the famous in comments section below. And yes, we want the juicy details. All of them.

Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

Thursday, February 10, 2011

What to do when you are bored

Like most people, you are probably fairly familiar with the concept of Bucket Lists. You know, that list of amazing and interesting stuff we’d like to do before we actually kick the ole bucket… i.e. travel around the world, climb a huge and formidable mountain, yada yada yah…

I personally think bucket lists are great and even have one of my own as there are still some pretty major things I would like to do, see or experience during my lifetime. But what about compiling a go-to list of random crazy shit to do just for kicks – or when you are feeling positively bored? Think of it kind of like an ‘Oh, Why the Friggin’ Hell Not’ list.

To assist in getting your creative mind going and/or to further corrupt you, I’ve compiled a list of wackadoodle suggestions to help make your life a bit more interesting. Some of the ideas may require that you not mind potentially making a ginormous jackass of yourself while others will require you to polish your acting skills. Some suggestions might be considered juvenile. Hopefully none of them will get you into any sort of actual trouble. But regardless, all of the suggestions are meant in good fun:

1. Dress up in a sexy police costume and go to Walmart and pretend to arrest random and unsuspecting people for shoplifting.

2. Walk around Sea World with a fishing pole and watch how people react.

3. Go to an ATM machine and shout ‘OMG! I hit the jackpot, I hit the jackpot’ when money comes out of the machine.

4. Visit a crowded public restroom. Once inside the stall burp loudly and then in an equally loud voice say ‘Mmmm ...tasty!

5. Go to the produce section of your local grocery store and secretly make naughty displays with the fruits and vegetables.

6. Ride an elevator of a tall building with your back to the door. When someone gets on the elevator, quickly look over your shoulder and ask them to press the button for a floor that doesn’t exist.

7. Go to McDonalds and when placing an order pretend that you don’t speak English.

8. Visit the local fish and game office and try to apply for a ‘Unicorn Hunting License’.

9. Find and stand in a long line in a store or other public place. Select another person to make feel uncomfortable by staring at them and grinning stupidly. Suddenly and excitedly announce to them ‘I’ve got new socks on’.

10. Sit in your parked car wearing sunglasses and pointing a hair dryer at passing cars, while watching closely to see if drivers slow down.

11. Go to a bar and ask annoying patrons what sex they are. When they answer laugh at them hysterically. If necessary, point at their pants for extra emphasis.

12. When on holiday and having a night-out-on-the-town, dress up and pretend to be someone slightly famous. Sign autographs and take photos with clueless tourists.

13. When shopping at a big box store place weird, random and/or pervy items into the shopping carts of unsuspecting people.

14. Go to the service desk of a library and place a take-out order using your ‘outside voice’. When the librarian tells you that ‘this is the library’ repeat your food order in a whisper.

15. Upon exiting a department store changing room, hand back a large stack of pants and disgustedly announce to the attendant ‘none of these are leak proof’.

16. Follow bookstore patrons around while reading aloud from a Scientology handbook.

17. Go to the drive through of a fast food restaurant and repeatedly order things they don’t have on the menu while insisting that you need to have your order ‘to go’.

18. Call up your cable company and demand that they credit your account because you didn’t get the ‘desired results’ from the adult’s only pay-per-view movie you ordered.

19. Put in a pair of jacked up fake teeth and skip around a shopping mall singing ‘I feel pretty, so pretty’.

20. Go on a major campaign and pimp The Ranter’s Box to all of your friends so that The Empress can become a major star in the blogosphere. I shall be forever grateful!

I would love to hear your suggestions for crazy things to do when you are bored, so feel free to leave your recommendations in the comments section below …and the more outlandish, wild or even pervy, the better!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Is there a camel in the house?

While researching ridiculous feminine products I discovered a bizarre little contraption geared toward the girl that has puffy naughty bits OR who has had the misfortune of being caught out wearing her britches hitched way up high into the crevices of her hoo-ha.

This is never ever ever a good look and is equivalent to a dude grossly wearing sweatpants in public without any underwear.

However, a company called Cuchini has come to the rescue with a handy dandy modesty device known as the Camel Toe Eraser:

Just shove one of these little bicycle seat shaped liners into your knickers and you too can enjoy a smooth and camel toe free appearance in your nether regions. Or better yet, try looking in the mirror before leaving the house and stop altogether with wearing those tacky, cookie-eating hoochie mama pants …I’m just saying…


On another note, I want to send a shout-out to the always amusing Thundercat over at Colorful Rants Of A Fed Up Sista who made my day when she bestowed me with the much appreciated Makes Me Smile Blog Award. If you haven’t yet discovered her crazy and highly entertaining blog, head on over and check it out. You won’t be disappointed.

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, February 7, 2011

The lazy ass co-worker phenomenon

At some point in time we have all probably had a lazy-ass co-worker (or two) that somehow managed to collect a paycheck while at the same time doing virtually nothing to have earned it. This phenomenon is so prevalent that lazy co-workers often top the lists of pet peeves that employees have about the workplace.

For me, this particular pet peeve developed through countless years working in the corporate jungle with a bunch of utterly useless sloths. And I’m NOT just talking about the brown-noser guy who arrives at work early only to keep up appearances with the top brass but who then spends the first three hours of work drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, surfing porn on the internet and wandering around the office as if he were doing something productive.

What I’m more specifically referring to are lame, non-contributory, conniving slackers like one of the annoying paycheck collectors that I had the great displeasure of working with earlier in my career. Let’s call this incompetent nasty little blood sausage Gertrude. Some of my fonder and ever so endearing memories (NOT!) of skiving Gertrude include her:

• Spending half a day calling all the cosmetic counters in the surrounding metropolitan area to locate a special kind of sparkly, light diffusing face powder. Poor Gertrude was unable to get the top off her shimmery face spackle and she absolutely, positively without a doubt needed it for some supposed hot date she was having later that night -- therefore any and all work related tasks were forced to come to a screeching halt until said magical cosmetic was located.

• Skipping out of the office one hour after she returned from lunch so that she could spend the next three hours getting her precious hair highlighted. She told her colleagues to call her if they needed help with anything work related ...meaning HER work.

• Hiding stacks of client work orders (that generated revenue) in the bottom of her desk drawer. She justified this by saying she didn’t have time to keep up with menial and unimportant things like filing.

• Leaving work on her so-called ‘lunch hour’ for 5 hours so that she could go to the cosmetic surgeon and have a chemical facial peel. Upon returning to work 45 minutes before the office closed, she spent the remainder of her ‘work day’ eliciting sympathy from her co-workers regarding all the trauma she was forced to endure at the doctor.

• Packing up her desk no less than 15 minutes before the office closed every fricking day so that she could get a head start on rush hour traffic …and f*ck everyone else that might have had to deal with the same!

• Earning herself a month and a half of paid medical leave – and sympathy from all after she left a candle unattended at home and allegedly set her good-for-nothing ass on fire. The timing of this particular incident turned out to be rather interesting considering the fact that some of her previous indiscretions had come to the attention of her superior but after the arse burning incident were somehow quickly forgotten.

By the time I had finally had enough of that complete and utter bullshit, I left not only the company but the country itself. That useless cow Gertrude was still somehow managing to get paid for using the workday to conduct all of her fricking personal business. However, if there is any justice in this world, hopefully Gertrude finally got what she had coming to her and is now earning a living by cleaning toilets at a seedy local truck stop …I’m just saying…


PS: The past week or so something dodgy seems to be going on with Blogger, hence this repost. I’ve been receiving the usual number of comments from all of my lovelies but the number of page views has been way down. Either this blog is slowing dying or the stats counter is all effed up. Has anyone else experienced this?

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Sick and Twisted – Horn Dog Edition

Since it is my ultimate mission to bring a dollop of laughter and joy to your day, I did a wee troll around the video vault and found a little ‘somethin somethin’ that just may appease your pervy little sensibilities:

Now maybe it’s just me but that randy old dog seems incredibly well trained when it comes to getting nana to assume the position. I’m not quite sure who is enjoying themselves more but if anyone busts out a jar of peanut butter…

Happy Weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Fashion DON’Ts for Dudes

While I personally know some men with a fantabulous sense of fashion, it is probably fair to say that there are plenty of guys out there that really have positively no clue when it comes to dressing themselves in even the slightest semi-appealing manner. In an effort to help out those poor fashion-challenged blokes, The Ranter’s Box Fashionista is offering up some fairly universal fashion don’ts – as in DO NOT EVER BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WEARING the following:

Socks with Sandals

Wearing sandals accompanied by socks is a completely moronic fashion faux pas. Besides looking ridiculous, socks defeat the whole purpose of allowing ones feet to stay cool. If a man’s feet are so fugly or poorly groomed that he needs to hide them with socks, then he should simply opt for normal, closed-toe shoes… or otherwise risk coming across as a stupid effing dork!

Skinny Jeans

Unless a guy is in his teens, early twenty’s or is an actual real-life rock star, then it is a given that most men cannot effectively pull off this effeminate, incredibly trendy look. Skinny jeans are unflattering on almost everyone and far, far from manly. Chicks like manly. Enough said.

Cropped Shirts

Cropped shirts of any kind are a major fashion disaster. Unless a guy is working as a male stripper then it is best to steer completely clear of this type of tacky attire. Most men do not have the appropriate physique to wear this sort of look. And even if a dude does have a banging bod and is gung ho on showing off his six-pack in a sexy little cropped top, then he is still at risk of looking like one of the Village People or a slimey guido from the Jersey Shore. So just don’t go there!

Holiday Sweaters

Holiday sweaters NEVER WERE and will NEVER BE fashionable for a man. Only a frumpy nana who is stuck in the 80’s would dare attempt this huge fashion no-no. So, unless one is aiming to become an absolute laughing stock amongst their mates and ridiculed for life, the only acceptable place for a holiday sweater is inside a wood chipper or at the bottom of a fire pit. Comprende?


Wearing thongs, banana hammocks, sausage slings, budgie smugglers or anything even remotely resembling a speedo in public is just plain wrong on so many levels. Speedos are unflattering on almost all men and no one wants to be forced to see the ‘junk in some dude’s trunks’. Unless a guy is a professional competitive swimmer, then it is best to save this look for private viewing ONLY lest risk coming across as a gross, narcissistic douchey exhibitionist!


Thank you and please don’t let me catch any of you fellas violating these all-important fashion rules or I will be forced to issue you a citation …or possibly even a spanking!