Sunday, October 31, 2010

Smell, what smell?

Just when you think you have heard it all, along comes a bizarre and rather creepy news report that leaves you shaking your head and wondering WTF is wrong with some people.

When Costa Mesa, California police officers were recently dispatched to investigate a vehicle blocking a driveway, they smelled a nasty stench coming from the car and observed what appeared to be a foot sticking out from under blankets in the front passenger seat. Officers quickly broke the car window to get inside and made the awesome discovery of a box of baking soda and mummified body that was several months old.

The driver of the vehicle was located and initially denied knowledge of the corpse. She later fessed up to the authorities that she had befriended a homeless woman back in December of 2009 and had allowed the transient to sleep in her car. She went on to further explain that the homeless woman had mysteriously died of an unknown cause.

But rather than report the death to the police, the wackadoodle woman decided it would be better to drive around with a stinking and rotting corpse propped up beside her in the car for an estimated ten months before being discovered.

An autopsy conducted on the body showed no obvious signs of foul play but the actual cause of death of the homeless woman is yet to be determined. Surprisingly the driver of the vehicle has NOT been arrested and investigators are currently deciding what if any charges will be filed against the mad mummy chauffeur.

Kind of sick and twisted isn’t it?...

Happy Halloween my lovelies and watch out for those scary ghosts, goblins and mummies!

xo The Empress

PS: In an effort to further pimp out my blog I need to add this special code to get on the Technorati blog directory: 7XNHBFYC7QFC

Friday, October 29, 2010

There is no way I’m effing wear that!

Recently I was in line at one of the big box stores and noticed that the crazy lady in front of me was giddy as a school girl over the fact that she was about to purchase her poor canine a ridiculously stupid Halloween costume.

Now I love animals and totally get the fact that our furry little friends often become like members of the family. As such I think it is totally normal to give Fido a cuddle or a special treat. But when it comes to dog strollers, pet bakeries, animal chefs and holiday costumes, well that is an altogether entirely different over-the-freaking-top story.

Animals do not get off being dressed in people costumes and paraded around like little circus freaks for the sole amusement of their insensitive owners. To prove this point here is some highly scientific photographic evidence combined with the amusing intimate thoughts of a few unwilling pets forced to participate in the Halloween antics of their parents:

“I’ve got your ‘Hello Kitty’ bitch!”

“I know Batman is really cool and all …but seriously, WTF?!”

"Oh how you are going to wish you had nine lives after I commence with ripping you a new one!"

"Yeah, I'll show you satan's lap dog you big butt face!"

"Just because you and your fat, lazy ass like to lounge around on the couch wearing a god-awful Snuggie and stuffing your face with Twinkies does not mean that I aspire to the same misfortune!”

“Ha Ha! Very funny. Don’t wonder why I shit all over your bed the next time you leave me home alone.”

So attention all you jackass pet owners out there: Please refrain from thinking that your animal is actually a human being that enjoys being dressed in asinine costumes. They clearly don’t you big stupid morons! ...I'm just saying...

Happy Halloween my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Rickety road sores no more

If you have been reading this snarky blog for a while now then you are probably well aware of my great disdain for that nasty, rickety road sore otherwise known as the minivan. Not only have I previously awarded those shit-mobiles with the Ugly Vehicle Award but I also happily take the piss at anyone who intentionally makes the choice to drive one.

So it was much to my delight when I came across this new commercial featuring a hip young boy making fun of lame-ass dorks who drive minivans:

Maybe Toyota finally got a clue and decided to send the stupid Siena minivan the way of the dinosaurs. Now if only we could find a way to get rid of sucky drivers (funny video included in link) as well. …I’m just saying…

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Naked, Drunk and Swinging from the Chandelier

Our favorite prostitute loving, sex addicted and substance abusing Hollywood hedonist Charlie Sheen is back in the news once again. And being the Duke of Debauchery that he is, good old Carlos certainly does not disappoint with his latest headline making antics.

Sources report that the NYC police were called to Charlie’s fancy hotel suite in the Plaza Hotel around 2:00am after a loud raucous ensued. The cops allegedly found the suite in shambles with expensive chairs and tables overturned and a posh chandelier damaged. Oh, and there was also a high-priced hooker lady found hollering from inside a closet and fearful for her life.

Police officers report that Charlie was naked, irrational, intoxicated, emotionally disturbed and screaming racial slurs like a Mel Gibson wanna-be. Apparently the untouchable Two and a Half Men star was out partying when he decided to bring a whore back to his room for a round of knob slobbing and hide the salami.

The situation went downhill faster than a runaway train when coked-up Charlie supposedly discovered that his all-important phone and wallet had gone missing. Hooker lady alleged that our man went into a full-on major rage and started screaming and throwing furniture around like a wild Tasmanian devil.

Responding officers kindly gave the inebriated star the choice of going to jail or being hospitalized. Charlie, who is all too familiar with the big house, opted for a far more comfortable stay at the hospital and was swiftly admitted for psychiatric evaluation.

Mr. Sheen’s clever little spinmeisters are now stating that “Charlie had an adverse allergic reaction to some medication and was taken to the hospital, where he is expected to be released tomorrow.” Righty-ho, whatever you say ...I didn’t realize that Columbian tang was classified as a medication. But anyhoo...

What a lovely and wonderful way to top off a wholesome day spent with one’s young daughters watching Mary Poppins on Broadway and shopping at the American Girl doll outpost. Classy Charlie, very classy…

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Just call me a word perv

After my most recent post some of you my lovelies commented just how much you were amused by my potty mouth terminology and unique choice of words utilized in the sex study summary. Being that it is one of my missions in life to bring a bit of joy into readers lives, I thought I would provide you all with a wee guide to Empress Phraseology:

B.O.N.’ed (verb) To receive the highly coveted award ‘Blog of Note’ by Blogger. (Example) The Empress is itching to be B.O.N.’ed once and for all!

Cock lick: (noun) Someone that is recognized as being a major brown-noser. (Example) That Gertrude is such a cock lick. She would do anything to get a promotion.

Cookie: (noun) Female genitalia. Also known as a vadge or vajayjay. (Example) When serving dessert, it is very important to keep one’s cookie nicely groomed.

Ding dong: (noun) Male genitalia. Also known as a cockadoodledoo. (Example) He had a large ding dong and was quite skilled at performing the weenie dance.

Donut: (noun) Any hole in which a horny male sticks his thingy in for sexual gratification. (Example) After last call horny Stanford scanned the bar for a quick donut to bang.

Douche canoe: (noun) The highest ranking official of the douche bag army. (Example) That fame whore Spencer Pratt is the ultimate douche canoe.

Drive-thru: (noun) A random and/or one-time-only sexual encounter. (Example) That ho Daphne regularly engages in drive-thru’s with guys she meets off the internet.

Effing: (noun, verb or adjective) Favorite curse word of The Empress. Also known as f*ck. (Example) It’s hard to determine who is the biggest moron when it comes to that effing pack of jackasses.

Gluteolacunosity: (noun) Assholeness.
(Example) He displayed sheer gluteolacunosity and stupidity when he raced down the road weaving between cars and cutting off other vehicles.

Knob slobbing: (verb) The act of giving a highly skilled and enjoyable BJ. (Example) Prior to her man leaving for a business trip, Mary was seen knob slobbing away in the backseat of the car at the airport.

My lovelies: (noun) You my faithful and adored readers.
(Example) Life in the blogosphere would not be the same without you my lovelies.

Shit weasel: (noun) A person who is a slimy and incredibly conniving jerk. (Example) That shit weasel Bernard would do anything to further his own agenda.

Shit weasel: (verb) To stick one’s penis up someone else’s arse unexpectedly and without prior warning. (Example) She received a rude awakening when he shit weaseled her from behind.

Word Perv: (noun) A person who takes delight and is skilled at constructing, writing or speaking naughty phrases. (Example) The Empress is a total word perv!

Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Let’s talk about SEX baby!

In early October the highly anticipated National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) hit the presses. Being that I play a somewhat pervy Sexologist in the blogosphere, I was all over that sex study like white on rice.

This special sex study was conducted by Indiana University’s team of highly esteemed sexual health researchers and is reported to be the largest survey EVER of American sexual behaviors. And lucky for us, the Journal of Sexual Medicine was kind enough to provide a link where inquiring minds can access a supplemental issue of the first nine (9) papers of said study. So of course, being the Curious George that I am, I did just that.

Now when I first read that the study provides a description of more than forty (40) combinations of sexual acts that people (age 14-94) perform during so-called ‘sexual events’, I will admit that I was hoping to find a modern day American karma sutra complete with sexy pictures or at the very least some sexual diagrams to ponder over.

What I found instead was about 147 pages of somewhat sanitized and borderline boring academic text, quite a few graphs and lots and lots of footnotes. Not a single inspiring photo of some new fandangled sexual position to try out later on, or any photo for that matter, was to be found. Even so, in the name of research I trudged on ever determined to find some fascinating and juicy tidbits to share and here is what I learned:

• The sexual acts this study is referring to include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation, and sex up the arse. Or any combination thereof.

• While vaginal intercourse is still the most common sexual activity reported by adults, both men and women rarely engage in just one sexual act when they are getting busy. Sometimes they even forgo intercourse altogether and instead opt for partnered masturbation or good old oral sex …just ask Bill Clinton.

• Men are more likely to blow a nut when sex includes vaginal intercourse. Women on the contrary respond more to variety. They are most likely to orgasm when engaged in a cornucopia of sexual acts and when oral sex and vaginal intercourse is included.

• During their most recent sexual event, nearly 85% of men reported their partner enjoyed the Big-O, whereas only 64% of women reported having an orgasm. Seriously ladies, figure out what curls your toes and then train your partner accordingly …and definitely stop faking it!

• Sex in the keister is most common amongst those in the 20-24 age bracket with 5% of men and 23% of women reporting to have received a penis in the anus over the past year. By contrast 27% of men in the 25-29 age bracket inserted their ding dong into someone’s arse during the past 365 days.

• Adults in the 45-60 and 61+ age brackets have the lowest rates of condom usage, not more than 13.7% tops. This is rather interesting considering most of these people would have grown up in the time of free-love, orgies and Studio 54 -- and should therefore know better than to skip the all-important rubber when playing in the rain.

• Hispanic and African-Americans are far more responsible when it comes to suiting up than white Americans or those from other racial groups. Thank goodness somebody is listening to all those safe sex campaigns …and not because of you stupid Bristol Palin!

• When it comes to oral sex, a respectable 74% of men age 25-29 and 69% of men age 30-39 engaged in fur munching as part of their sexual repertoire. And guys continue eating cookies well into their 70’s with 24% reporting to have done so in the past year.

• By contrast, 74% of women age 20-24 and 76% of women age 25-29 did a bit of knob slobbing in the last year. And big shout out to the 23% of ladies age 60-69 who continue to indulge their men with their special oral tricks. Go you sexy vixens!

And that my lovelies is the hip, condensed and highly inappropriate synopsis of the NSSHB. Hope you enjoyed it!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Talk about being a good sport

The other day I was doing some all-important and very necessary blog research for you my lovelies when I came across a recent episode of Thintervention by fitness guru Jackie Warner. Yeah, yeah it seems like yet another been-there-done-that stupid reality weight loss show, and for the most part it is. There is the typical petty bickering amongst cast mates, crazy work out routines and those par for the course weigh-ins at the end of each show. Throw in a former Real Housewives of the OC cast member and you have yourself guaranteed tears and drama. Blah, blah, blah…

So anyhow, on this particularly sexy and scintillating episode Jackie decided that she would mix things up a bit and have the participants learn a Pussycat Dolls routine for their group workout. Being that most of the cast members are women, the workout was most likely a welcome reprieve from weights, rowing or whatever testosterone laden physical stuff they normally have to endure. For the two guys on the show, having to learn a burlesque style dance and then compete in a group dance-off, was probably not so welcome.

One of the guys, the oh-so-funny Brian T. Donovan, decided he would be a good sport and make the most of the situation. And let me tell you girlfriend, Brian totally rocked his inner diva:

Thintervention with Jackie Warner - Videos - Dance Off | Bravo TV Official Site

(Sorry about the stupid commercial guys I wasn’t able to edit it out)

After watching that hilarious spectacle courtesy of Brian, doesn’t it make you want to get up shake your ass and get your freak on?

Have a fantabulous day, night or whatever my lovelies!

xo The Empress

Monday, October 18, 2010

Smile and say Big Boobies!

It’s Monday and it’s dreary outside so here is something to help get your week started on a perky note:

Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, October 15, 2010

Holy smoking cat bootay!

Once upon a time while I was off on an overseas adventure I went away for the weekend to a renowned war plane show that was held in a gorgeous and picturesque little town out in the middle of nowhere. On this particular weekend the small town was about as crammed full of tourists as Mariah Carey in one of her ridiculously tight sausage dresses.

Both accommodation and restaurant bookings had to be made far in advance. Luckily for me I had a few connections and was fortunate enough to be able to stay at a rather flash bed and breakfast inn. The proprietor referred me to some nice local dining establishments, one of which was called The White House.

Upon arriving for dinner at The White House I was quite pleased to find a beautiful old house that had been turned into a restaurant. My dinner companion and I were escorted to a prime table right next to a large stone fireplace that was roaring with a cozy fire. How lovely I thought.

Once seated and enjoying a delicious glass of wine, out of nowhere came this wee little cat that proceeded to crawl up on my lap and make itself at home. Now the last time I encountered a feline in a dining establishment was a three-legged-one-eyed cat in some restaurant in Mexico. But being that this was clearly a house cat and not some mangy mongrel I decided to opt for the whole 'when in Rome' thing and let the sweet little kitty stay put.

All was good until such point that a second critter, a.k.a. alpha Bully Cat decided that the first kitty could take an effing hike. Bully Cat chased Sweet Kitty off my lap and settled in for a snooze. Sweet Kitty went all passive-aggressive and found Bully Cat’s favorite spot on the bear skin rug in front of the fire (right next to my table) -- and proceeded to take a ginormous piss.

Out of the shadows came the restaurant owner with a spray bottle full of magic purple ‘cat-pee-be-gone’ and he commenced with cleaning up the mess as if stuff like that happened every day. Sweet Kitty was summarily shooed away by the owner.

After Sweet Kitty was gone, Bully Cat decided to move off of my lap and over to the chair next to me. About that time dinner was served, the wine was flowing, the fire was crackling, and all was right in the world …or so we thought.

All of a sudden I heard this loud hissing screech. Bully Cat then jumped up like he had been catapulted out of a rocket cannon …eyes all crazy looking and ass-hair smoking. Apparently an ember had shot from the fire and landed smack dab on Bully Cat’s arsehole.

And somewhere in a dark corner Sweet Kitty quietly smiled and thought to himself “karma’s a bitch ain’t it?”

Happy Weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

X-Rated Trip to the Zoo

A few weeks back Charles over at In Review: Stuff and Things was discussing nana boobs, prostitution and the intelligence level of monkeys. Apparently not only can monkeys be taught the value of currency, they have also been observed exchanging said currency for sex.

Yes, you read that correctly. SEX. Our little monkey friends are incredibly smart little bastards. And some of them, like the chimp in the following video, are prone to getting up to some mighty freaky shit as well:

(WARNING: This video contains kinky monkey porn. If you find this particular subject matter offensive please do not click PLAY. And yes, I am talking to you “Anonymous”, so just go ahead and take your crusty old vadge or shriveled up little penis over to a blog that discusses the virtues of coupon-clipping or something as equally boring. This blog is for the cool kids!)

And to think I was once shocked to see a couple of lions doing the nasty a mere two feet away from a glass enclosure at the zoo. But after witnessing this chimpanzee sexual predator putting on a show for a group of school kids, I must admit I was rather bewildered. Although probably not as bewildered as the teacher who had to explain what the weird monkey was doing to that poor little froggy. …I’m just saying…

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Yeah, I’m talking to you Anonymous

Maybe it’s because I’m still fairly new to the blogosphere or perhaps it has always been this way, but lately it seems there have been quite a few rude comments left on various blog sites I frequent. The kind of comments I am referring to generally have little or no relevance to the topic the blogger has written about. Often these types of comments are purely absurd, disgustingly racist or just plain mean. And these particular asinine comments always seem to be written anonymously by some big frickin’ wanker.

Perhaps it’s just me, but frankly I’m fed up with it. And while not everyone will agree with all of the viewpoints expressed by a blogger, leaving a nasty or downright belligerent comment on someone’s blog just for the sake of being a jerk is just plain wrong. If someone is going to be a ginormously ugly dick and engage in that sort of behavior, then the least they could do would be to NOT act cowardly by hiding behind the word “Anonymous”.

Now it is always possible that sad little “Anonymous” has nothing better to do with their time than childishly insult bloggers. Or perhaps they are clueless morons and don’t realize the amount of time, effort and thought that goes into every single post written by a blogger. Maybe they can’t comprehend the fact that some of us bloggers literally spend countless hours writing, drawing, researching and putting together materials for our blog. Or that we often carefully consider the content we post and try to anticipate how it will be received by our readers.

Quite often our posts involve baring our souls and our life experiences. Sometimes our posts are merely geared toward entertaining our readers. Either way it should be obvious that all of the effort we put forth at the very least deserves a bit of respect.

So to all the asshats trolling around the blogosphere and hiding behind the name “Anonymous” I say pull up your skirt, grab your balls and effing man up once and for all. Those of us whom you so blatantly criticize would love to have the opportunity to check out your blog(s) and see just why it is that you think you reign supreme almighty ruler of the blogging world. And we might even want to leave a comment or two on your oh-so-perfect blog(s).

In the meantime, if you can’t start playing nice “Anonymous” then why don’t you go suck on this lovely award I just received from Rabbit over at The Long Journey to the Middle:

Cheerio you “Anonymous” shit weasel!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Make that seven, I’m officially in heaven!

Not to brag too much but Rabbit over at The Long Journey to the Middle just made my day by bestowing me with my choice of three positively hilarious blog awards. So as much as I have a wee thing for ginormous ding dongs, I think I will opt for this award:

because right now I am feeling pretty awesome, and well you guys probably already guessed that the “eff” word is my all-time favorite curse word. THANK YOU Rabbit!

And never fear my lovelies, I have some upcoming snarky and/or pervy posts in the works.

Thanks for your continued love, support and incredibly amusing comments.
xo The Empress

Friday, October 8, 2010

Six times in one week feels so damn good!

Holy guacamole Batman! It might be time to start building a trophy case… This week, despite my apparent neglect of my faithful followers, I discovered that I was bestowed with not one but SIX amazingly incredible and awesome blog awards:

The “Ass Kickin’ Beer Drinkin’ Blog Award!” from Simple Dude in a Complex World.

The “Versatile Blogger” award from Jumble Mash.

The “One Lovely Blog” award from Mynx at Dribble, Molly at Cynicism isn’t an Option …It’s a Lifestyle, Stephanie at Seriously Really Seriously, and Candice at Thoughts by Candice.

Over the past two months I have also received additional awards including:

The “I Heart Your Blog” award and the “Keeps Me from Killing Blog Award” from Donda at My Husband Misunderstood When I Said I Was Bi.

The “A Blog With Substance” award from Jumble Mash.

The “Versatile Blogger” award from PrincessBeks at The Princess Diaries.

Thank you to each and every one of you for recognizing and giving credit to my snarky little blog. I feel truly honored. …Now let’s go party ‘cause it’s the weekend baby!

xo The Empress

Monday, October 4, 2010

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming

Dear Ghetto Rats living in the neighboring property,

While I’m certain you felt you were the absolute shizzle the other night when you parked your jacked up mini-van in the cul-de-sac outside my bedroom window and proceeded to party redneck style at 2:30am, I for one most certainly DID NOT. And I am fairly certain that the hundreds of other people you also so rudely disturbed weren’t singing your praises either.

Now I’m guessing that you probably love cranking your old and worn out
“Now That’s What I Call Music” CD from five years ago on your shitty little stereo system and opening your vehicle doors so that everyone in a three mile radius can enjoy an impromptu concert while you shit-for-brains wankers get your drunk ass groves on. The rest of us, not so much.

Some of us, meaning those who weren’t a part of your scummy little trailer trash shindig, were busy trying to do important things like sleep, watch porn or draft church sermons for the following morning. Therefore, your sheer inconsideration and gluteolacunosity were most certainly NOT appreciated.

Should anything like this ever happen in the future then I shall be forced to unleash the hounds of hell and go kung-fu on your asses. Don’t make me tell you again.

The Empress

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Feeling some of that aloha spirit

Sometimes it’s good to take a wee break from all the snarky ranting and instead focus on the positive things that we all have to be thankful for. And whether that gratitude is for a beautiful sunny day, an unexpected chance to race against your favorite luxury vehicle up a steep and winding road, the amazing people in your life --or even just some awesome hot steamy sex, taking a moment to acknowledge and give thanks is so important.

So as we start off the new month remember that life is short, so live large, laugh often and love deeply…

Aloha my lovelies!
xo The Empress