Swipe, Big Smile… Now Blow!

Oh my lordy, whatever is the world coming to? The incredibly archaic Liquor Control Board for the state of Pennsylvania is introducing -- get this people -- wine kiosks at two grocery stores! The opportunity for local citizens to purchase wine from a vending machine is reported to be a huge step for those who like to imbibe. Currently individuals can only buy wine or liquor for home consumption in state-owned stores that are staffed by public employees. And even beer has to be purchased by the case or keg from private beer distributors. …Wow! They clearly know how to have a roaring good time in PA, now don’t they? …The Chairman of the liquor board, Patrick Stapleton believes that the new wine kiosks will provide “an added level of convenience in today’s busy society”. Seriously Patrick? I don’t know about you, but I’m guessing the average consumer of alcohol is not going to be all that thrilled at the prospect of having to seek out a special grocery store that features a room temperature, limited selection wine vending machine. Yes, that’s right, the fricking booze ain’t even gonna be cold my friends! Then if a person actually decides to purchase some plonk from one of those high tech goodie dispensers, they have to swipe their driver’s license, make a big pretty grin for the camera and then blow into a breathalyzer sensor. But wait folks, there’s more! If a state employee who is remotely monitoring the vending machine decides the consumer in the surveillance camera matches the one on the ID and said person isn’t already drunk, then the booze purchase is approved. Oh, and of course there is a special added service charge for the transaction… To me, the whole complicated process seems about as appealing as Paris Hilton’s jackass idea for 'champagne-in-a-can'. I think I’d rather just stay home and drink a bottle of cough syrup. …I’m just saying…