Thursday, July 29, 2010

Stupid things women do to ensure they’ll be destined for spinsterhood

It’s true, I’m an equal opportunity disser. Yes, that’s right, I take the piss at unappealing female behavior just as much as I bust the balls of those tragically clueless man cats out there. But let’s preface this post by stating that I’m referring to slightly cuckoo chick behavior NOT full-on crazy to the max psychotic shit. With that being said, there are some positively idiotic things women do that virtually guarantee them a one-way ticket down the twisted path of spinsterhood:

1. Call, email, text or IM a guy incessantly

– this looney behavior is a form of stalking to which men do not respond well. Trying to keep a man on a short leash only makes him want to escape from the pound all that much faster. And no, it is not okay to repeatedly call a guy to say hi and let him know that he is missed. In man-speak, doing so translates to being a desperate, needy cling-on who has no life of their own.

2. Come across as high maintenance or physically fake

– this completely turns men off. Making an effort with one’s appearance is one thing but going full-out with a spray tan, acrylic nails, colored contacts, hair extensions and Botox all while wearing Spanx, Booty Pop undies, a push up bra and make up that would rival a hooker is an entirely different thing altogether. Any man would be terrified to find out what was really hiding under all that scary and highly engineered mess!

3. Decorate one’s bedrooms with kitty posters and stuffed animals

– this is juvenile and beyond creepy to the guys. By the time a man finally enters a woman’s boudoir the only thing he is thinking about is exactly how he wants to get busy with her... BUT finding a bed full of stuffed animals will deflate a man’s woody faster than you can say ‘hello kitty’ --meaning there will be no tasty sausage for someone’s pussy.

4. Show up at a guy’s home unannounced

– this is inconsiderate not to mention risky. If chick wants a dude to think she is one crazy-ass broad then popping up at his crib uninvited is certainly the way to do it. There is also the likelihood that object of one’s affections is busy playing house, doctor or whatever with some other bird who actually was invited. This is a no-win situation so just don’t go there!

5. Display a large supply of wedding magazines or be otherwise bride obsessed

– having this sort of fixation will absolutely, positively send a man running for the hills. The early days of dating are all about fun and a guy getting to know a female in the biblical sense. And since no man wants to feel like he is being groomed as a future husband or baby daddy, it is best to get a grip and keep one’s kooky wedding fantasies to oneself.

6. Whine, nag or otherwise act like a raving bitch

– doing so never goes down well with the male species. Men enjoy spending time with women whom they feel good being around and NOT bossy, emasculating battle-axes with snakes coming out of their heads. If a guy wanted to be told what to do he would be dating his mother.

7. Let one’s physical appearance go

– being that men are visual creatures going all slobby pretty much takes the wind out of a guy’s sails. Dressing casually comfortable and cute is one thing. Wearing nana knickers, having hairy sasquatch armpits or foregoing basic hygiene practices is an express ride to no-man’s-land!

I’m so glad we finally have that all straight. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some stuffed animals to organize and a bunch of cats to feed…


  1. Having come across a few crazy women like this, I know without a doubt this stuff is true. Guys don't like fake bitches anymore then they like weird, childish or slovenly women so take note ladies. LOL!! but really I'm only half joking.

  2. Unless of course, you're the sort of girl who does these things in order to get a man to dump you so you don't have to.

    Not that I've ever done that before...


  3. @Margaret: That is funny and reminded me of the time when I had a disasterous date so crappy in fact that I may have turned the conversation to psychics, witchcraft, etc. in an attempt to disqualify myself from the running ; )

  4. @Anonymous: Why thank you for validating my position on this. Are there any particular examples you would like to share?

  5. I agree with all of your points! The "idle conversation" thing is normally the worst to me. I'm normally busy enough that I don't need to just exchange "hi" "hi" "what's up?" for two hours on AIM. I consider myself a progressive, open dude, but I want my partner to have interests outside of hanging out with me that they honestly don't mind doing.

  6. ..the rest is true, but i really feel that a girl with stuffed animals in her bed would be perfectly cute and adorable :P

  7. I particularly agree with number six, here. Nagging is terrible. I'd soon be boiled alive.

    although, there are a select group of men that like hello kitty stuffed animals and whatnot. A lot of them are "locked up" for being "pedophiles", but please don't discount their tastes.

  8. I am totally loving all the male perspective offered here today. The Empress is pleased!

    @Steve G: Score! Agreement on all points, woo hoo! Chicks with no outside interests will bore a man to death, how do girls not get this?

    @Mack: Thanks for chiming in... I'm guessing perhaps you are fond of school girl costumes at Halloween? ; )

    @Charles: Being that you are the newest, latest and greatest Blog(ger) of Note, I am incredibly honored to be blessed with your presence today, you big ole' sexy sandwich loving writer extraordinnaire!!

    Boiled alive, yikes!!! ... I know you have a penchant for Hello Kitty but even so, I understand this has more to do with your fashion sensibilities rather than your taste in females.

  9. But ... I nag because I care..!

    Oh dear...

  10. @S: Well there is always time to revise your strategy. Wanton Goddess is by far a better look than substitute mum... although hot kung fu chick works pretty well too! ; )

  11. The Canadian once told me he got tricked into going on a date under the false pretense of it being a study buddy meet-up.
    Gets weirder:
    The "date" venue was a shopping mall food court, where they sat in front of the datess's family owned sandwich-bar and he was required to meet the entire family that worked their (including the grandparents) and he said he only started to realise what was going on when the father's stink eye glare did not cease... I think they got a lot more university work done than she would have hoped for a first date :)


  12. @Corianda: The level of deception to which some people will sink is truly astounding. The poor Canadian!... Guess her little plan didn't work afterall. How embarrassing for her to have her feminine charms 'fail' in front of her entire family. Hopefully she at least did well with her studies, the silly cow!


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