Thursday, July 29, 2010
Stupid things women do to ensure they’ll be destined for spinsterhood
It’s true, I’m an equal opportunity disser. Yes, that’s right, I take the piss at unappealing female behavior just as much as I bust the balls of those tragically clueless man cats out there. But let’s preface this post by stating that I’m referring to slightly cuckoo chick behavior NOT full-on crazy to the max psychotic shit. With that being said, there are some positively idiotic things women do that virtually guarantee them a one-way ticket down the twisted path of spinsterhood:
1. Call, email, text or IM a guy incessantly
– this looney behavior is a form of stalking to which men do not respond well. Trying to keep a man on a short leash only makes him want to escape from the pound all that much faster. And no, it is not okay to repeatedly call a guy to say hi and let him know that he is missed. In man-speak, doing so translates to being a desperate, needy cling-on who has no life of their own.
2. Come across as high maintenance or physically fake
– this completely turns men off. Making an effort with one’s appearance is one thing but going full-out with a spray tan, acrylic nails, colored contacts, hair extensions and Botox all while wearing Spanx, Booty Pop undies, a push up bra and make up that would rival a hooker is an entirely different thing altogether. Any man would be terrified to find out what was really hiding under all that scary and highly engineered mess!
3. Decorate one’s bedrooms with kitty posters and stuffed animals
– this is juvenile and beyond creepy to the guys. By the time a man finally enters a woman’s boudoir the only thing he is thinking about is exactly how he wants to get busy with her... BUT finding a bed full of stuffed animals will deflate a man’s woody faster than you can say ‘hello kitty’ --meaning there will be no tasty sausage for someone’s pussy.
4. Show up at a guy’s home unannounced
– this is inconsiderate not to mention risky. If chick wants a dude to think she is one crazy-ass broad then popping up at his crib uninvited is certainly the way to do it. There is also the likelihood that object of one’s affections is busy playing house, doctor or whatever with some other bird who actually was invited. This is a no-win situation so just don’t go there!
5. Display a large supply of wedding magazines or be otherwise bride obsessed
– having this sort of fixation will absolutely, positively send a man running for the hills. The early days of dating are all about fun and a guy getting to know a female in the biblical sense. And since no man wants to feel like he is being groomed as a future husband or baby daddy, it is best to get a grip and keep one’s kooky wedding fantasies to oneself.
6. Whine, nag or otherwise act like a raving bitch
– doing so never goes down well with the male species. Men enjoy spending time with women whom they feel good being around and NOT bossy, emasculating battle-axes with snakes coming out of their heads. If a guy wanted to be told what to do he would be dating his mother.
7. Let one’s physical appearance go
– being that men are visual creatures going all slobby pretty much takes the wind out of a guy’s sails. Dressing casually comfortable and cute is one thing. Wearing nana knickers, having hairy sasquatch armpits or foregoing basic hygiene practices is an express ride to no-man’s-land!
I’m so glad we finally have that all straight. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some stuffed animals to organize and a bunch of cats to feed…