Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Reality TV - "I mean, who does that?"

Reality TV in general is a bit like visiting a televised human zoo. Put fame-hungry participants inside a television fishbowl, stir in some manufactured drama and watch the mayhem begin. Whether these types of shows are completely fake, semi-scripted or just too freaking crazy for anyone to have made up, reality television certainly makes for an interesting study in human behavior. Cast members tend to be either bitchy, stupid, trashy, overly emotional, manipulative, slutty, domineering, attention seeking -- or just plain wackadoodle. And sometimes those human train wrecks otherwise known as reality ‘stars’ are blessed with several or even all of those highly appealing attributes. I know this because I have been earning my armchair doctorate in psychology by watching this season’s critically acclaimed show The Bachelorette. Yes, I am somewhat embarrassed to admit this fact, but even so there is nothing quite like watching 25 guys going head-to-head in highly unrealistic situations trying to win the affections of one lone girl. The power plays, backstabbing, crying, and sheer craziness demonstrated by some of the men on this show are absolutely legendary. Seriously, a couple of these dudes need to either check themselves into the nearest psycho ward, grow some balls, or just plain never show their faces in public again. Case in point, check out this video of wussy Justin Rego an ‘entertainment wrestler’ from Canada who literally attempts to escape through the bushes after being caught out for having not one but two girlfriends back home:

I’m pretty much guessing this little escapade of Justin’s won’t bode too well for his career as ‘Rated R’ the scary professional wrestler nor for his love life now that all the ladies across the globe know what a lying, conniving tool he REALLY is. Buh-bye Rated R, don't let the dressing room door hit you in the ass!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Frustrations with Toilet Paper

Toilet paper is a basic household staple and generally isn’t given a whole lot of thought. Today however I was reminded how something as simple as toilet paper can have the ability to annoy the absolute piss out of people. In light of this matter I think it is high time that someone address those moronic makers of bathroom tissue.

Dear Toilet Paper Manufacturers,

Would you please NOT use SO MUCH glue to seal the end of new toilet paper rolls that it is virtually impossible to get to the actual toilet paper itself? I do not appreciate grabbing for a new roll and having to stand there for five minutes -pee dripping down my leg – fighting to get the damn roll open. By the time I am finally finished ripping and tearing my way past all of the glue it looks as if some psychotic cat used the toilet paper roll as a scratching post. This displeases me greatly and I am fed up. Please take this under immediate advisement.

Thank you,

Another Annoyed Consumer

CC: People Fed Up with Unusable Toilet Paper Rolls

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Oprah’s OWN Audition Video

Ok, so I have some pretty amazing friends, so much so that I have spent the past several weeks visiting the Oprah website and clicking non-stop on the vote button for two of my friends who are auditioning to get their own TV show. Just in case you don’t happen to drink the Oprah kool-aid or are otherwise out of the proverbial loop in the world of television production, the “Big O” is going out and starting up her own TV network. And if that weren’t exciting enough, she is going to be giving some talented, fascinating and incredibly fortunate person their very on television show. While I would be thrilled to pieces to see either of my girlfriends become the world’s next fabulous talk show host, I couldn’t help but check out some of their competition. In doing so I found Zach who is auditioning under the category of ‘wildcard’:

Now I don’t know about you but I say hats off to Zach. Anyone who can put a clever and entertaining Oprah audition tape of themselves -- (complete with a scene of him kitted out in his red ‘underoos’) up on YouTube for the entire world to see gets at least one of my votes!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

That ugly beast, The Minivan Part II

So as the law of attraction would have it, today when I was out driving around I seemed to encounter one old, butt-ugly minivan after another. It was almost as if some mythical minivan overlord was trying to get me back for yesterday’s snarky diss on the minivan. And to make matters worse I discovered yet another Toyota commercial trying to brainwash the masses and convince us all just how cool we will be if we race right out and get ourselves a hot new ‘swagger wagon’ :

Yes, I will admit the commercial is creative and even fun … BUT come on people do we really want to have to endure perhaps another decade of minivan hell on the roadways? I know I sure the heck don’t and neither do the People Against Mini-Vans (P.A.M.V.), the Minivan Haters For Life, and the Minivan Haters Club (the last two groups can be found on Facebook by the way). I say it’s time to unite and stop Toyota from attempting to resurrect that nasty monstrosity otherwise known as the minivan. Are you with me minivan haters?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Winner of the Ugly Vehicle Award: The Minivan!

To me, minivans have to be about the most butt-ugly vehicles ever to hit the roadway. I know for a fact that I am not the only one to feel this way about the boxy, clunky, highly unattractive, traffic impeding contraption otherwise known as the dreaded minivan. Kids, SUV driving soccer moms, the general public, we all hate minivans! There is such a longstanding stigma attached to minivans that there is even a group called People Against Mini-Vans (P.A.M.V.) geared toward all those minivan haters. Seriously, look it up on the net – I do not make this shit up my friends.

Now after a bit of reflection I can’t decide which is worse – the actual vehicle itself or the people who drive them. You know what I’m talking about… that annoying minivan driver in the left hand lane of traffic driving 20 mph below the speed limit -- with the turn signal blinking for the last five miles, talking on the cell phone completely oblivious to the other drivers on the road, stuffing their face with McDonalds all while trying to decide which of their eight stupid cup holders to use…

Instances of frustration and even road rage connected to minivans are so legendary that most of us have probably prayed at some point or another that these clueless drivers and their hideous ‘dork-mobiles’ would just go extinct once and for all! ... But alas, the minivan going the way of the dinosaur isn’t going to happen, NOT IF good old Toyota can help it. Right now Toyota is on a major campaign to convince suburbanites across the globe that the minivan, and in particular, the Sienna is so cool that all the neighbors will be jonesing for this spectacular tricked-out ride:

Now, I don’t know about you but I’m not buying into all the Swagger Wagon hype. The advertising executives over at Toyota can ‘spin’ the cool vehicle concept any way they like but a minivan IS, WAS and WILL ALWAYS be a Dork-mobile!… I’m just saying…

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Take that, you damn printer!

So yesterday my friend had an Office Space moment and went all ballistic on his printer. Apparently there were curse words flying left and right and perhaps a punch or two which resulted in us taking an unscheduled trip to the office equipment store in search of a new printer. Upon discussing the various equipment options with the store clerk and identifying a suitable replacement, I couldn’t help but ask my friend if maybe he might want to consider a printer that comes upgraded with ‘roo bars’… to which his reply jokingly involved something about being bitch-slapped and we both laughed. Now we’ve all been there before, ready to rip our hair out, seriously contemplating taking a sledge hammer to some crappy printer, fax machine, copier or other related piece of evil office equipment that was clearly brought into our lives with the sole purpose of tormenting us and making our lives a living hell. And we can all pretty much testify that it sure isn’t funny that particular moment we are engaged in full on war with said piece of office equipment… It is however pretty hilarious watching someone else go all postal in that type of situation now isn’t it? …I’m just saying…

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Where do those socks missing from the dryer really go?

At some time or another we have all probably wondered “what the hell happened” to that sock that went into the washer but never managed to come back out of the dryer. This is an age-old mystery that perplexes the minds of anyone responsible for washing clothes. In attempt to help appease those troubled and inquiring minds I thought I would undertake some comprehensive research along with a highly scientific poll (NOT!) in search of much needed answers. In doing so I discovered the following:

1. There is no such thing as a mysterious black hole in our dryers that sucks our socks somewhere into space. Apparently if you ask your favorite space geek or Star Trek fan they will exasperatingly explain some mumbo jumbo about collapsed stars and how black holes in the dryer are scientifically impossible.

2. The urban legend about the one-legged burglar who used to break into neighbors’ houses and steal left-footed socks might actually be true! However this petty criminal activity took place back in the 1960’s and the burglar actually died in 1995 so in all fairness we can’t blame this guy today for our recently missing socks.

3. Socks do not magically disappear behind the washing machine drum or into the washing drain. It doesn’t take a mechanical genius to realize that the washer would stop working due to being all clogged up with socks – and that if this did happen with any sort of frequency then the sock mystery would have solved long ago!

4. Your socks may still be in your dryer but you just can’t see them. Dave Cole of Coleskingdom explains that due to worm holes created by your dryer, your missing socks have passed into another plane of existence that we are yet unable to perceive… Interesting and maybe after a couple of cocktails I might be a tad more inclined to buy into that particular theory…

5. There are researchers out there who believe dark magic is responsible for the disappearance of our socks. Seriously? Missing socks are a world-wide phenomena that afflicts us all. Merlin or even Harry Potter himself would have already come up with a ‘missing socks’ counter spell by now if indeed dark magic were truly responsible.

6. There are reports of an alleged “Sock Fairy” that takes our missing socks and gives them to people who don’t have socks of their own. How very kind and oh-so Disney-like, but wouldn’t it be far more altruistic and make more sense to just take the entire pair of socks instead of pissing us off by having only one sock go missing? And surely sock stealing has to be a major no-no in the enchanted little fairy world, so I’m just not buying it…

While I’m sure we could all debate this matter from now until the end of time, most of us would probably agree that none of the above theories seem very plausible when it comes to explaining where our missing socks really go. However, after much in-depth analysis and serious consideration I have concluded that in truth the dryer is actually responsible. Yes, the dyer! The Evil Dryer gobbles up our beloved socks only to later shit them out into fuzzy pieces inside the dryer’s lint trap. Think about this the next time you are cleaning out that big blob of lint from inside your dryer. Not so far-fetched a theory now is it? …I’m just saying…

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Bring It "Hater Lady"!!!

WOO HOO! Yesterday The Ranter’s Box got its very first comment by a “hater”. They say there is a first time for everything so I thought it only appropriate to commemorate this momentous occasion with a special tongue-in-cheek rebuttal just for that particular individual.

Apparently this person did not take too keenly to the “Parents Who Dress Their Kids Like Dorks” rant. I’m guessing it might because this post hit a little too close to home and perhaps conjured up memories of “The Hater” being stuffed into a school locker or having other kids laugh at their ridiculous style choices. Either way the overall response to this post has been phenomenally great … So attention “Hater” - maybe you just might want to consider the following points:

1. The Ranter’s Box loves receiving comments and even appreciates feedback from a differing perspective as long as that feedback is with merit! Please read blog posts carefully and in their entirety. Consider the context of what is actually written before you get all sanctimonious. (And in case you didn’t know it “Hater”, sanctimonious means to act holier-than-thou or to make a showing of moral superiority.)

2. If you are going to admit to working in the profession of childhood development it might be a good idea for you to brush up on your cognizant thought process and grammatical skills before making comments lest you risk looking both stupid and sanctimonious!

3. The blog post was about parents who dress their kids in a way that ultimately risks the child being labeled as a weirdo or misfit. THIS WAS NOT a post geared toward making fun of anyone’s physical characteristics or lack of money. Doing so is just plain mean and not acceptable by The Ranter’s Box standards.

4. With regard to your comment about Americans, technically I am a permanent resident of a country other than the US. While it is true that Americans can be outspoken, from my travels I can tell you that people from countries other than the US actually do care about what they wear. So “Hater”, go ahead and bash Americans but I doubt you’ll be making many new friends on this blog or elsewhere!

5. This blog is written from the perspective of someone who is outspoken and says all those things that other people are probably already thinking. The target audience is intelligent, witty thinkers with a sense of humor. If this particular demographic doesn’t describe you “Hater” well then you and your sparkly reindeer holiday sweater can always hit the Next Blog button at the top of my site -- or better yet, go write your own damn blog! … CHEERIO Hater Lady!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Jerk of the Week – Tony Hayward, BP CEO

Well, if this latest example of not really giving a shit doesn’t put the whole BP oil spill debacle into perspective then I don’t know what the heck does. Highly insensitive BP CEO Tony Hayward decided that it would be perfectly acceptable to spend the day on Saturday watching his US$700,000 52-foot yacht participate in the glitzy Isle of Wight annual yachting race in England. Now correct me if I am wrong here folks, but aren’t there still massive amounts of oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico? How is it that the top leader of a company directly responsible for a catastrophic environmental disaster of such grave magnitude can be out there socializing with other wealthy boaters when across the ocean homes, businesses and lives are being lost because of poor decisions made by BP? Perhaps this latest incident helps explain why Tony Hayward can claim to the US House investigations panel that he was/is out of the loop regarding decisions surrounding the Deepwater Horizon oil rig explosion. He is obviously too busy living the high life near the pristine waters of his home county. Someone should sack this prick already – thus allowing him to finally “get his life back”. …I’m just saying…

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Fathers Day!

Ah, what is a dad to do?...

Just my observation but doesn't this guy look like he is all too familiar with trying to sneak out of bed after getting what he wanted?!

Happy Fathers Day to all you dads out there!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The Incredible Wizarding World of Harry Potter

Call it being in touch with your inner child or just plain juvenile but when I first heard that the Wizarding World of Harry Potter would be opening at Universal Orlando in June 2010, I was so excited that I wanted to book my snarky little self on the very next Southwest flight and go check it out. Now whether you think the phenomenon otherwise known as Harry Potter is indeed the greatest thing since sliced bread or a complete and total load of hooey, the concept behind this amusement park does seem pretty brilliant. After all, what little scone grabber or true Harry Potter fan wouldn’t love to step inside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry or the fantastical village of Hogsmeade? Imagine shopping at Ollivander’s Wand Shop for your very own magical wand, enjoying a cold pint of Butterbeer at Hog’s Head Pub, being mesmerized by talking portraits in the Hogwarts Portrait Gallery, or learning how to fly on a mythical Hippogriff. And who wouldn’t want to get their ‘scare’ on by encountering an actual dragon or those creepy energy sucking Dementors while riding on the park’s main attraction called Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey? Or if roller coasters aren’t up your alley, just pay a visit to the restroom and you can have Moaning Myrtle who haunts the ladies loos literally scare the piss out of you. After you dry your drawers, pop into Zonkos Joke Shop to pick up a screaming yo-yo or try Honeydukes confectionary for delicious chocolate frogs. All and all I’d say it sounds like an absolutely fantabulous way to just relax and enjoy being a kid again. Now how cool is that? …I’m just saying…

Nip/Tuck - Couch Humping Scene HD

Classic Nip/Tuck - Newly hired doctor "trying out" his private office...

...Because you never really know what people get up to behind closed doors!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Parents Who Dress Their Kids Like Dorks

Recently while I was out hiking I came across a family that caused both my friend and I to look at each other with raised eyebrows. Now I am not one to say unkind things about someone’s level of attractiveness, height or other physical characteristics they can’t change because that would be just plain mean. But there are however plenty of things that a person can change when it comes to their overall appearance – things like grooming, hairstyle, and choice of clothing. So what the heck is up with parents who dress their kids in a way that automatically sets a child up to be labeled as the school nerd? Here was this poor little boy who could have been seen as cute had his parents not dressed him in high-waisted shorts that came up to his arm pits, a tucked in t-shirt, long black socks and a sun bonnet tied securely under his chin. Seriously, the parents might as well have put a sign on the kid’s back that said “kick me” and then sent him straight into the clutches of the school bully because this child is doomed to be regularly stuffed into school lockers and to have his lunch money stolen. And to make matters worse, a few moments later the father came strolling up the hiking path in virtually the same idiotic outfit as his son. This kid, thanks to his dorky parents, doesn’t stand a chance in hell!

Now I get that not everyone is destined to be the star athlete or school beauty queen and that we all have our own individual ideas about what we consider to be fashionable. But come on parents, is it really fair to dress your kid like a some sort of reject that even Mister Rogers would laugh at? There are affordable discount stores like Ross or even Walmart where you can get your kid some clothing that is somewhat stylish and looks like it comes from this decade. So please do your child a favor and think about this the next time you are out shopping for their clothes… And no, your kid would not love to wear that stupid reindeer holiday sweater with the sparkles…

DJ For A Minute - Nasty Girl

I suspect that deep inside even the most “buttoned-up” person is a bit of a wild woman or passionate manly animal. It doesn’t matter if you are a doctor, plumber, IT geek, farmer or librarian, when given the right inspiration, circumstances and/or company one’s fun side will be inclined to want to come out and play – and so it should. After all, no one can be all business 24/7. Sometimes it's good and even downright healthy to temporarily put aside one’s responsibilities, reconnect with your inner primal self, relax and just let go. You know what I’m talking about people! So let down your proverbial hair, crank up your computer speakers and get your freak on old school style!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Noisy Neighbors from Hell

I was talking with someone close to me who recently bought their first house. One of the things they were most looking forward to was no longer having to deal with noisy neighbors. If you have ever lived in an apartment, condo, townhouse or any other type of multi-family dwelling with shared walls you can probably relate. Having someone else live above, below or beside you can be positively annoying. There are the crying babies, loud TV’s, base pumping stereos, and full volume video games that come blaring through your walls at all hours of the day and night. Not to mention having to listen to other people talking, arguing, partying, stomping around, slamming doors, peeing, snoring, having sex or whatever other sorts of things inconsiderate individuals do to disturb -- and ultimately piss off their neighbors.

Upon reflection this reminded me of what had to be my all-time worst neighbors ever. No one deserved to have to live anywhere near let alone right next door to this particular couple. How they managed to slip through the cracks and actually be allowed to rent a luxury apartment is beyond anyone’s comprehension. What an absolute freaking nightmare they were! The guy loved to take late night rides around the perimeter of my former apartment complex revving his very loud motor cycle engine while kitted out in Nazi embellished apocalyptic motor cycle gear scaring any and all passerby’s. The chick was quite a piece of work as well. She had a nasty disposition, spotted multi-colored hair and looked like some sort of truck stop hooker – and probably was. Together they holed up for weeks at a time playing war video games and doing drugs. And let me tell you having your a-hole neighbors surround sound entertainment center on the same wall as your bed does not make for a good night’s sleep. When those two Jerry Springer show rejects weren’t cracked out and playing video games they were either blasting Scooby Doo cartoons through the walls, having loud/violent sex, or she was beating the crap out of him – in which case the police would usually show up. It only took a year and a half for the property managers to finally evict those losers – at which point we all sang hallelujah as I’m sure you would have as well.

Like many people I have always considered my home to be my sanctuary. The last thing anyone appreciates is having some dick for brains loud neighbor jack up one’s sleep, peace and quiet, or personal relaxing time. So attention all you noisy and rude people living in multi-family dwellings: You are not living in a barn or a frat house out in the middle of nowhere. You are living in a structure with shared walls so please show some basic consideration for the neighbors who live around you. A little common courtesy goes a long way. …I’m just saying…

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Huggies Diapers - Poo in Blue

Check out this new commercial for Huggies limited edition denim diapers -for that oh so stylish kid who has everything. When little Jimmy does number two he will still look like number one!

"The coolest you'll ever look pooping your pants!"

Shame on You BP!

(Photo from June 12, 2010 in Gulf Shores, Alabama – oil that is now washing up on shore.)

On April 20, 2010 the Deepwater Horizon oil drilling rig exploded tragically killing 11 workers and resulting in the largest environmental disaster in US history. Within just two short days a five-mile oil slick had already formed. Now two months into the Gulf oil spill disaster, millions of gallons of oil are spilling into the ocean and BP is only managing to contain a relatively small percentage of that oil. As of June 14, 2010 various internal documents and emails from BP management personnel have surfaced that show a series of money saving short cuts and poor decisions increased the likelihood of this catastrophic disaster. So what this basically all boils down to is that not only did some greedy and/or lazy BP executives take a huge gamble in order to save time and money, they also did so without having any sort of proven disaster management plan in place. Now if that isn’t disgusting I don’t know what is. …I’m just saying…

Monday, June 14, 2010

Online Dating Perils

Online dating is here to stay. In theory it is a great way to connect with potential romantic prospects with whom you would have probably otherwise never met. But I did say theory here folks! In reality though, both my male and my female friends have many gripes about the murky world of online dating. With this in mind I would like to offer a few dating profile tips.

1. Don’t lie about things like your height or alleged athletic prowess. If your profile says you are 6’3 and a master of multiple sports, the ladies ARE going to notice if when meeting you that you are only 5’6 and are sporting a Homer Simpson belly.

2. Don’t post photos that in any way misrepresent who you are physically as a person. If you are balding, overweight, less muscular, turning gray or whatever, then own it with confidence and let the ladies decide if they find the real you attractive.

3. Don’t fabricate the level of your career success. If you say that you own a large real estate development company and in reality you are an agent for the local REMAX, then the ladies are going to think you are a dick and wonder what else you are lying about.

4. Don’t lie about your age in your profile. If you say that you are younger than you really are but in your photos you look like someone’s great grandfather, then at the end of the day the only person you will be fooling -- and playing hide the salami with is yourself.

5. Don’t post your profile on an online relationship dating site stating that you are looking for a serious relationship or marriage if in reality you are merely looking for a quick hookup. There are dating sites geared specifically for players so use them instead!

1. Don’t post photos of yourself where you are airbrushed beyond anything even close to resembling the “real” you. You are far better off posting more authentic photos of yourself and letting the guys decide if they find you visually appealing, otherwise you are just setting yourself up for disappointment when a guy you fancy never calls you back because of your ingenious “bait and switch” tactics.

2. Don’t lie about your age. Yes, men are known for liking younger women. However if you take care of yourself and look good for your age, then the year you were born won’t really matter as long as a man finds you attractive.

3. Don’t post half naked or skanky photos of yourself. Yes, men find a sexy woman incredibly appealing, however sexy is an attitude and comes from inside not from some hoochie mama getup you are wearing. And remember, while guys might bang a skanky chick they will never consider one for a serious relationship.

4. Don’t post some “princess looking for a sugar daddy” profile and then later wonder why guys treat you like a whore. There are special dating sites geared specifically for gold diggers so please go peddle your lady bits there instead!

5. And absolutely no “buts”, excuses or justifications for why you aren’t abiding by these rules! Be yourself not some manufactured image you think will attract the most men.

With that all being said, of course everyone involved in online dating wants to market themselves in the very best way possible, we all get that. However, if a person isn’t also portraying themselves authentically then what they are really doing is misrepresenting -- which equates to lying. And no one wants to start a relationship based on lies! …I’m just saying…

DJ For a Minute - Lovely Day

I absolutely love music! Yeah I know, how orignial. My musical taste depends entirely upon my mood so this new and oh so creative installment that I have dubbed "DJ For a Minute" will be totally random music video posts based on whatever strikes my fancy at the time. And lest that complete and utter douche otherwise known as Pauly D from Jersey Shore thinks I'm trying to steal his DJ thunder (yes, somehow he was nominated for "America's Best DJ), know that I fully intend to stick with my day job...

Today I'm grooving on Lovely Day which pretty much describes the day I enjoyed today. Crank up those computer speakers people!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Bungy, Oh Yes I Did!

I am all for having new adventures but sometimes a quest for adventure can really force you to step outside your comfort zone. While in Queenstown, New Zealand (otherwise known as the adventure capital of the world) a group of friends and I decided that we should sign up for a crazy triple adventure package. Jet boating was absolutely thrilling. The ride through the canyon up to the bungy jumping site was gorgeous. It was all good up until the point where we had to walk across a suspension bridge perched nearly 340 feet over the raging Shotover River canyon. It probably didn’t help my nerves at all when midway through the bungy harness being attached to my lower legs the technician decides to bugger off and go on a coffee break—only to have a completely different technician step in about five minutes later and commence with hooking up the rest of the harness. So there I was about to voluntarily fling myself off a very high bridge in the middle of nowhere and all I could wonder was what if during the staff switcharoo they accidentally skipped one of the steps in hooking up the bungy harness. Seriously, like where the f*ck was OSHA at a time like that? Fear ensued but at that point I didn’t have much choice but to hop myself over to the edge of the bungy platform and prepare to jump. I knew unfortunately that the only way I was going to get back to our hotel with any sort of dignity intact was to jump off that bridge, get picked up by an awaiting boat and be jetted down the river to our helicopter waiting on shore. And I REALLY wanted to experience that helicopter ride. So I said the sort of prayer anyone facing potential death might say and I then swan-dived to one of the most incredibly disorienting, exhilarating and crazy adventure experiences I have ever had -- so far… (Scroll down for bungy video in next post)

Bungy jump video

Ok, since all I have of my personal Pipeline bungy jump is a VHS tape I figured that old piece of garbage probably wouldn't translate so well to my blog. Being the helpful soul that I am I did a wee troll around the net and found a video (of someone else, thanks dude!) that should give you a good sense of both the prior anticipation and actual jump itself. Enjoy!

Friday, June 11, 2010

T-Mobile, say what?

Ordinarily I wouldn’t name any company outright on my blog, after all why give press to a company that clearly doesn’t deserve any – even if it is just here on my relatively unknown blog. However, in this particular instance customers deserve to know so they won’t bother wasting their time.

Yesterday one of my close relatives rolls up to the local T-Mobile store in the Dallas, Texas area. The intention behind this visit to T-Mobile was to obtain a new phone number. Pretty basic one would assume, after all the more active phone numbers a cell phone provider has in operation then the more money they make off customers… but whatever… After being greeted by one of the store clerks the following conversation ensues:

Clerk: What can I do for you today?

Relative: I would like to get a new cell phone number.

Clerk: Um, we don’t have any cell phone numbers available right now.

Relative: Isn’t this store a cell phone service provider?

Clerk: Yes, we just don’t have any cell phone numbers available right now.

2nd Clerk who steps in: He’s right, we don’t have any numbers available right now.

Relative: Ok, well isn’t that like going to the grocery store and them telling you they don’t have groceries?

Clerk: Um yeah, I guess so…

Relative: Well maybe you need to put a sign on the door that says “T-Mobile is out of phone numbers” and then close up shop for the day.

My relative then left but was so put-off by the experience that she called T-Mobile customer service who advised that phone numbers with certain area codes were becoming scarce in her local area. My relative was given the choice of opting for a new area code – to which she agreed. She was then given a selection of various new phone numbers to choose from. Need met, problem solved.

Not very complicated at all, so WTF you stupid store clerks?! Not only did you jeopardize losing a customer but you didn’t even have enough sense as men to find a way to keep my very hot looking relative in your store longer. Total fail on your part you idiots!

As for T-Mobile itself, there are obviously some staff training and other business issues going on... So attention T-Mobile: It doesn’t take a business genius with an MBA to realize that if you want to retain existing customers and increase your market share then you had better ensure you have enough phone numbers to meet consumer demand. …I’m just saying…

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The funny thing about celebrity crushes

Even if you don’t get all googley-eyed over the rich and famous, at some point or another just about everyone admits to having at least one celebrity crush they would love to meet. So, imagine having the good fortune to actually have a face-to-face encounter with the object of your affection (Insert your favorite fantasy here: the skies would part, the birds would sing, you and your smoking hot celebrity would spend three steamy days in a luxury hotel barely coming up for air… or whatever your ideal romantic/pervy scenario would be…). What if upon meeting said celebrity you discovered that while they were indeed attractive and even rather nice --that you felt not one ounce of chemistry with them?! Pretty shocking but it can and does happen. Sometimes the fantasy IS really better than reality. … I’m just saying…

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Kid falls asleep during presidential speech

Embarrassing Moment#610

There is probably nothing worse than embarrassing yourself, your family, your school and your hometown by disrespecting the President during his televised speech to your graduating class. Maybe the kid was up all night the evening before in eager anticipation of the momentous occasion. Maybe the kid is narcoleptic, who knows. Either way, this highly publicized incident can't bode well for his future college or business career. ...I'm just saying...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Oh Bentley, come to mama … and let me breathe in your exquisiteness!

With a base price of US$201,500 for the Bentley Continental GTC, this convertible is out of the price range of most people. Even so, the first time I saw one up close and personal I must admit that the craftsmanship of the vehicle was so amazing that it could inspire one to want to climb inside and just roll around on the luxurious seats! This vehicle is beyond spectacular and to this day every time I see a convertible Bentley on the road it is hard not to imagine myself behind the wheel. Nothing wrong with dreaming I say…

Monday, June 7, 2010

Annie McG, Adventuress Extraordinaire

During my travels I met and befriended this amazing woman named Annie McG. I have always admired people who live and breathe the spirit of adventure. Annie was one of those people. She had a good thirty years on me but was still youthful beyond her age. Whether she was camel trekking with the Aborigines, jetting off to stay in some ancient castle in Europe, or just hiking up in the port hills behind where she lived, Annie was always living life to the absolute fullest. Over the years Annie and I eventually lost track of one another but her spirit of adventure continues to inspire me to this day. So wherever you are Annie thanks for the inspiration. Know that I miss you and that you will always be a legend in my mind. …Cheers to adventure people!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dumb Arse Drivers

There is nothing more annoying when you are out cruising around then having some road retard jack up your driving experience. I’m talking about those idiots who don’t use their turn signals, don’t know that the gas pedal is the skinny pedal on the right, or who decide to turn right from the far left hand turn lane. Then there are those jerks in the left turn lane at a busy intersection that stall the flow of traffic from being able to turn on green because they are too busy eating, texting, putting on makeup, reading the paper, wacking off, or god knows what else. But by far the biggest morons are the ones who drive 15 miles below the speed limit in the fast lane – and then become extremely irate when other people try to go around them.

So attention all you a-hole drivers out there, if you are lacking in driving ability or confidence then perhaps you should take a drivers’ education course. In the meantime, either take a taxi or get the hell off the road! …I’m just saying…

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Music: Jeremy Buck & The Bang totally rock!

Here is their latest music video "Just For One Night":

Someone definitely needs to sign these guys!!! ... I'm just saying...

Friday, June 4, 2010

British Petroleum (BP) is a disgrace!

The Gulf of Mexico is home to countless types of native and migratory wildlife -- not to mention all of the local residents and workers who used to make their living in the region. Due to the recent oil spill in the Gulf -- and subsequent monumental disaster, birds and marine life are dying or battling to stay alive. Tourists are leaving the region in droves. People are losing their means of livelihood. Businesses are failing. Coastlines are being destroyed and this once beautiful area of the world is now forever changed. The damage caused by BP is colossal and some heads had better roll! …I’m just saying…

Excuse Me, Your Child is a Little Monster!

While I appreciate that even the best and most experienced parents have to endure an off day with their kids from time to time, there are still some little heathens out there that are completely out of control. Case in point: One day I’m reluctantly out shopping at one of the big box stores and while standing in line at the cash register I discover directly behind me is this dirty, disheveled demon seed of a little girl and her mother. The kid proceeds to climb all over the displays near the register -- without mommy even once telling her daughter to reel it in. After thoroughly ransacking the displays the child then decides that it would be fun to systematically go through no less than nine giant blocks of gourmet chocolate and crack the chocolate inside the packages into zillions of little pieces. Again, the mother says absolutely nothing and allows this behavior to continue. I’m standing there biting my tongue and trying myself not to say anything to the little brat. Just as I am about to pay the sales clerk and get the hell out of the store, the Spawn of Satan projectile sneezes all down the back of my arm – snot everywhere! Even worse, there was no forthcoming apology from the mother and the child was completely oblivious to the fact that what she just did was beyond disgusting.

As for that entirely enjoyable experience (NOT) it wouldn’t be unreasonable for one to conclude that if you are going to have children then the least you can do is set some boundaries, know when to dish out appropriate discipline, and for god sake, teach them good hygiene and sanitary practices – otherwise don’t wonder why your kid later ends up in prison … I’m just saying…

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sheep Mentality

So, I’m at the movies recently and decide to go get myself a drink. My friend and I go out to the concession stand and see three long lines – out the door! No one in line seemed to be concerned, they were all just blindly following the person in front of them. Upon closer inspection we realize that there are actually five workers behind the counter minding the cash registers. My friend goes up to one of the workers at a register without a line and asks if they are serving customers there. Very quickly a few of the “sheep” start getting their wooly knickers in a twist and insist that there are only three lines – despite the worker stating otherwise. At that point some of the smarter “take charge” people started moving over to where they could be more promptly served while most everyone else stayed right where they were. Interesting I thought, maybe some people actually enjoy standing in long lines when they don’t have to – I know I sure the hell don’t. Which got me to thinking about how there are leaders and then there are followers. While I suppose there is nothing wrong with being a follower, if you are going to be one then at least know what the heck you are following. …I’m just saying…

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hampster Power

The new Kia hampster commercials are pretty brillant I must admit:

Now if only the vehicles were as cool. ...I'm just saying...