Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Silly things you thought you couldn’t live without

Bad news boys and girls, the majorly ridiculous and ill-conceived Kardashian Kard is to be no more. With many thanks to the consumer product gods as well as Connecticut’s Attorney General, the launch of this fame whoring, money grubbing celebrity pre-paid debit card came to a magnificent screeching halt.

Recently an investigation was opened to determine if the potentially dubious Kardashian Kard violated any consumer protection laws. In question were all of the excessive and incredibly sneaky hidden fees associated with the pre-paid debit card including:

• US$99.95 to use the card for 12 months;
• US$9.95 to activate the card;
• US$7.95 in monthly service fees;
• US$1.00 to add money to the card; and
• US$1.50 to speak with a live operator.

Once word hit the streets that the card could ultimately gouge the pocketbooks of naive and unsuspecting users, the Kardashian’s lawyers and crafty little spinmeisters went into full-on damage control in an attempt to salvage any damage to the sister’s reputation.

On Monday the Kardashian family attorney sent a notice of termination to the banks and licensing companies responsible for the card.

He also wrote in a letter that “the Kardashians have worked extremely long and hard to create a positive public persona that appeals to everyone, particularly young adults. They have been successful in doing so because they are recognized as honest, ethical, and fun-loving individuals who are kind and caring to others."

What the lawyer failed to mention was that as “fun-loving” as the Kardashian sisters may be, the whole pre-paid debit card debacle was most likely intended to be a money making venture -- or why in the heck else would they bother?

Then add to the whole sordid picture the fact that the University National Bank said in a statement (on Monday) that only 250 consumers had purchased the card. Yes, that is correct. Only 250 starry-eyed adoring fans wanted to unknowingly take it up the arse in fees, all for the privilege of carrying around a pre-paid debit card emblazoned with the faces of the Kardashian sisters.

Now maybe it’s just me, but I’m guessing that sex tapes are a far, far more lucrative venture…

Monday, November 29, 2010

Verizon Wireless – The Unreliable Network

The Ranter’s Box public service announcement of the week:


(Special Note: Apparently Verizon thinks that a paying customer’s ability to receive incoming phone calls is an optional service feature rather than the norm. And taking the time to properly investigate and resolve long-standing technical issues is just too fricking hard for them to be bothered. Buyer beware and steer clear of these money grubbing technotards!)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Shopping Curmudgeon

Dear Large Department Store Owner,

It has become increasingly difficult to even remotely enjoy my shopping experience in your store. To be frank, I do not appreciate being annoyingly harassed and unnecessarily accosted by no less than seven moronic sales clerks within the first ten minutes of entering your store.

Had one or even two of your store personnel bothered to say a kindly hello or welcomed me to the store yesterday then that would have been fine. However, to have instead found myself continuously being followed around by a pack of stupid jackass sales clerks who kept repeatedly asking me if they could “help me with anything” was beyond f*cking annoying.

When I calmly told the first sales clerk that I would like the opportunity to look around for a while and should I need anything then I would come find one of them at the cash register, I meant what I effing said. Therefore, I DID NOT appreciate having to repeat this same sentiment to the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh jack wagon that got all up in my mother frickin grill.

Please note that I am fully aware that your sales clerks ARE NOT paid by commission. Therefore it is absolutely unnecessary for your store personnel to hover over, invade the personal space of, or rudely sneak up behind your customers. And unless it is your goal to alienate your customers and ultimately lose sales, then perhaps you might want to invest in some training that will better enable your utterly daft store personnel to more accurately read the needs of your shoppers.

In the meantime, here are some handy customer service tips for your clueless sales clerks:

• Unless a customer rolls up in a hay truck all bewildered like some back-woods hick that has never set foot inside a department store, then a simple “Hi, welcome to the store. Please let me know if I can be of assistance” will suffice. Then leave the shopper alone to f*cking shop in peace and quiet -- free from any and all annoying interruptions by pesky, hovering sales clerks.

• Unless a customer comes up and announces that they are terribly lonely and specifically asks you to pretend to be their shopping buddy so that they will have someone to talk to while they are in the store, then anything more than a simple friendly smile from you is just plain overkill -- and nerve wracking.

• Unless a customer is seen shoving a turkey down the front of their pants OR emptying the entire contents of a clothing rack into their personal shopping bags without any intention of paying, then it is absolutely unnecessary to sneak up behind a customer, invade their personal space and lamely ask the customer if you can “help them with anything”. No one likes to feel as if they are constantly being monitored like some sort of shady-ass criminal.

• Unless a customer is seen holding their crotch and frantically looking around for a restroom all while trying not to piss their pants, then a customer probably doesn’t need your help with anything -- any more than they did when you asked them the SAME EXACT question five minutes prior.

• Unless a customer is found rocking back and forth on the floor, crying and muttering that they don’t know what to buy, then chances are the customer is completely capable of shopping on their own without a pack of sales clerks chaperoning their every freaking move throughout the store.

• If you are bored, please use your time to straighten/restock merchandise or empty clothing carelessly left in the dressing rooms by inconsiderate shoppers. DO NOT amuse yourself by following around, harassing and pissing off customers.

• Please make yourself readily available at the cash register to ring up the purchases of your customers. THIS IS HOW THE STORE ACTUALLY MAKES MONEY!

Now please get your shit together lest I take my dosh and spend it elsewhere!

The Empress

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Abducted by aliens

Have you ever had one of those totally bizarre experiences that completely denied any and all sort of logic or reason? Well, I certainly have. One week ago something happened that made me wonder if perhaps I was being punk’d by Ashton Kutcher or if maybe I had indeed truly lost my marbles once and for all.

Last Sunday evening after leaving my underground parking garage I switched on the stereo in my car to discover nothing but the garbled sounds of static on every single radio station that I tuned into. How odd I thought. Once I arrived at my destination I exited my vehicle and shockingly discovered that the radio antenna was missing. Gone. Vanished. No longer in existence.

All I could frustratingly think was “WTF?” and “who in the hell effing steals a radio antenna?” not to mention “oh, great now I have to deal with finding time to replace the damn thing”. Blah, blah, blah…

Then I commenced with a bit of reasoning and considered that perhaps the antenna had simply fallen off. Not likely though because I knew for a fact that the antenna was there the previous day when I was out tooling around town with the top down and the stereo reasonably cranked up until such point that I parked my car back safe and snuggly into its parking space.

Next I quickly ruled out the possibility of some disgruntled neighbor pulling a prank, mainly because I don’t know anyone and rarely if ever come into any sort of contact with other tenants.

I also ruled out some pissed-off fame whoring celebutard getting even with me for some snarky but true blog post I had written about them, mainly because The Ranter’s Box is anonymous and also because that whole theory is just plain ludicrous.

Anyhoo, things took a further turn for the really freaking weird when exactly three days later I discovered much to my surprise an antenna on the back of my car. Only this time, it was a completely different antenna but an antenna all the same. Talk about feeling like you are in the midst of some wacky episode of The Twilight Zone!

I quickly rang one of my friends who had witnessed and confirmed that my car antenna was actually missing off the back of my vehicle and not a figment of my crazy-ass imagination. When I informed her there was now an antenna on my car and that I had not put there, she was about as equally gob smacked as I was. Both of us are still shaking our heads in disbelief.

About the only plausible explanation I can now come up with is that some little green men flew their alien spacecraft into my parking garage this past Sunday night, saw my cute little car and figured that its antenna would make a great make-shift probe to stick up the arse of some poor alien abductee. And while those aliens were kind enough to return an antenna to my car three days later, now all I can think about is the nasty butt juice that must be all over it!

Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Blow and make a wish!

Dear Birthday Fairy,

This past year I have been very good and hope you will take this into consideration when you are granting my birthday wishes. I’ve really been working on directing my snarky barbs only towards extremely stupid human behavior and well-deserving fame whore celebutards.

I have also managed to reduce the number of times I royally cuss out jackass customer service agents to only about once a month which is a major improvement over this time last year. And while I could always work on improving the amount of times I hurl abusive curse words at f*ckwit bad drivers, perhaps we could make that a goal for next year.

Anyhow, I would like to respectfully request the following wishes for my birthday:

• One ginormous and incredibly decadent chocolate birthday cake;
• An endless round of yummy celebratory birthday cocktails;
• A weekend supply of vicodin to help knock my effing insomnia into next week;
• One gorgeous and ridiculously expensive new designer handbag;
• A fun, wild and crazy night out on the town that doesn’t involve being arrested;
• A much needed two-week tropical vacation to a beautiful high-end luxury resort;
• One hot and sexy man slave to use at my naughty discretion;
• And to finally get B.O.N’ed by the Blogger powers that be!

Thank you in advance for your consideration and for all of these lovely wishes that you are able to make come true for me.

Yours respectfully,
The Empress

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

DWTS - What a load of rubbish!

In the grand scheme of things, a reality dancing competition rates fairly low against far more important worldly matters like war and natural disaster. But even so, there is clearly something rather shady going on during this season of Dancing with the Stars (DWTS).

Each week that dull as dirty dishwater Bristol Palin garners low dancing scores and repeatedly lands in the bottom two against the other competitors, yet somehow she magically knocks far more talented and popular participants from the competition.

Granted Bristol isn’t as cringe-worthy when it comes to dancing as that previous gawd-awful nightmare contestant Kate Gosselin, but still Bristol could only be considered a mediocre competitor at best. Her top technical dance performance thus far would only rate about as good as the majority of the other participants’ performances on their very first night of the competition.

When it comes to performing and connecting with the audience, Bristol has been about as interesting as watching paint dry. She expresses no passion and zero emotion both out there on the dance floor and in all those disgustingly contrived video clips of her ‘real’ life. There are even some comedians who regularly take the piss at Bristol’s joke of a stint on DWTS so I know I’m not the only one with this opinion.

And then there is Bristol’s asshat of a mother, Sarah Palin, out there in the audience or in video clips acting like the illiterate hick of a jackwagon that she is. Quite honestly, her unwanted presence totally makes me want to vomit and throw things at the television screen. Someone please make that horrible woman go away!

All in all it seems that this season of DWTS is proving to be about as fair and honest as a crooked election campaign. Reality television production and politics have clearly become bedfellows and frankly I’ve had enough of the nonsense. I’ll be voting with my remote and no longer tuning in to watch Dancing with the Stars … so take that Sarah Palin and you f*ckwit producers!

UPDATE: A man was reported to have actually shot his tv set in anger when he heard the ridiculous news that Bristol had moved on yet again in the competition.

And, did you know that Chelsea Handler refers to Sarah Palin as the Snookie of Politics?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Celebrity Reconstruction – Kim Kardashian edition

As I’ve mentioned before, I have nothing against Kim Kardashian nor do I know her on a personal level. For all I know she is a kind and lovely person with an enchanting personality. Then again she might be a wacky, controlling reprehensible troll. Who in the heck knows?

Either way, most people would probably agree that Kim K. rates anywhere on the ‘scale of attractiveness’ from pretty to extremely beautiful. With that being said, I can’t help but wonder what in the freaking hell is going on with her face lately. Now is it just me or is her face starting to look more plastic than a piece of Tupperware?

Girlfriend repeatedly goes on and on about how she has never ever had any kind of plastic surgery in her life and that she is 100% au naturel. Yet the following photos seem to indicate otherwise:

In Kimmy’s defense, there has to be a lot of pressure to look beautiful and maintain one’s appearance in that crazy-ass town otherwise known as the Hollyhood. It’s either stay on top in the beauty department or end up sadly forgotten like yesterday’s old worn-out trash. So, who can really blame a girl for a bit of tweaking here or there?

And honestly, whose business is it anyway if she did have her nose done, or her lips plumped, or her ass inflated, or her boobs enlarged, or the fat sucked out of her thighs, or her face injected with a bucket-full of spackle? In truth it’s really no one’s business.

Then again you can’t blame people for taking exception to someone going around pretending that they were born looking genetically freakalicious while at the same time assuming that we the public are too bloody stupid to recognize manmade construction when we see it. Especially when that construction is now bordering on the frighteningly fake. …I’m just saying…

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey – Day 2

Wow! I am beyond amazed at all of participation in my pervy little sex survey. Things are going so well that we have even had a couple of readers that have reposted the survey over at their blogs. Thanks Sara and Shirley!

Because the comments section on the original post is growing at an astounding rate, I thought I would repost the survey questions for those of you that still want to participate. This is all meant in good fun so I hope you will play along, even if you do so anonymously.

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. Of the five primary sexual activities that include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation and anal sex, which do you rate as your favorite sexual activity?

2. When it comes to giving AND receiving, what do you really think/feel about oral sex?

3. What is one sexual fantasy that you have yet to enact?

4. Thumbs up or Thumbs Down regarding anal sex?

5. What is your favorite sex position?

6. Yay or Nay when it comes to sex toys? If so, what kind?

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex?

8. Yes or No when it comes to condoms?

9. If you had to choose between kissing, oral sex and intercourse AND could only pick two, which two would you opt for?

10. Which famous person would you most like to have sex with?

Thanks for playing!
xo The Empress

PS: If you enjoyed this naughty but fun survey, please let me know and perhaps we can do another one in the future.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


As a follow up to my recent and highly inappropriate summary of the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior’s major scientific sex study I thought it would be fun to conduct our very own bloggerific sex survey.

First off, the NSSHB’s sex study was strictly American-based, and here in the blogosphere we have readers that come from various parts of the globe. Our version will aim to garner a more balanced worldly view on sexual behavior.

Second, while their study was extremely comprehensive, it was also entirely too clinical and sanitized. Our survey will dig a bit deeper and aim to be far more colorful and spicy.

Third, their study was primarily focused on five sexual activities and whether or not participants had engaged in said activities in the past 365 days. Our version will be more focused on the sexy juicy details.

There are really no hard and fast rules to our sex survey. Just leave your answers in the comments section below. Answer any OR all of the questions you’re comfortable answering. Your responses can be as conservative OR as racy as you like. They can also be as straight to the point or as detailed as you like. And if you are shy, it's perfectly fine to answer anonymously.

Historically you guys have proven to excel when it comes to leaving amusing comments so I’m really looking forward to seeing how this little experiment turns out!

Feel free to post a link or email this survey to your friends. The more participants we have responding to our sex survey the more interesting and entertaining this will be for everyone.

Now for those of you that are game, let’s get this party started!

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. Of the five primary sexual activities that include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation and anal sex, which do you rate as your favorite sexual activity?

2. When it comes to giving AND receiving, what do you really think/feel about oral sex?

3. What is one sexual fantasy that you have yet to enact?

4. Thumbs up or Thumbs Down regarding anal sex?

5. What is your favorite sex position?

6. Yay or Nay when it comes to sex toys? If so, what kind?

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex?

8. Yes or No when it comes to condoms?

9. If you had to choose between kissing, oral sex and intercourse AND could only pick two, which two would you opt for?

10. Which famous person would you most like to have sex with?

Thanks for playing!

xo The Empress
aka Blogosphere Sexologist

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

And the award goes to…

Being that I’m all about sharing the blog love I thought it was time to bestow some much deserved recognition on a couple of bloggers that amuse me to no end. So without further adieu I would like to happily present the “Your Blog is Bloody Brilliant” award to:

• Falen at Colorful Rants of a Fed up Sista

• Dan at From the head of the Danaconda

Both of these brilliant bloggers definitely give me a run for the money when it comes to being a word perv -- and ya’ll know what a big fan I am of pervy dialogue!

Falen is raw, real and no topic is off limits. From sharing humorous stories to answering readers’ often incredibly intimate questions, you never know what you are bound to find over at her blog. She also leaves some of the most hilarious comments at the blogs she follows.

Dan provides a fascinating male perspective on life. Whether he is recapping one of his wild and debaucherous weekends or discussing sexual relations, there is never a dull moment over at his incredibly funny blog. And his oftentimes naughty reader comments are beyond entertaining!

So if either of these blogs is new to you, definitely go check them out. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

Have a great rest of the week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Ranter’s Box is REALLY a blog

Dear Technorati Technotards,

Thank you ever so kindly for wasting the past week of my life by forcing me to repeatedly jump through all of your ridiculous and cockamamie hoops in a futile attempt to get my blog The Ranter’s Box listed in your stupid blog directory.

While I admit that I am somewhat daft when it comes to highly technical matters such as writing computer code for complex satellite networks or engineering space shuttles, I am quite capable of correctly identifying and providing both the URL and feed for my blog.

Please note that the screen captures you provided in response to my numerous claim requests are in fact from my actual blog. Therefore anyone with half a brain could easily conclude that the URL feed is both valid and working:

Further, if you once again refer to the screen captures you provided for my blog you will see that The Ranter’s Box is in fact an actual blog and NOT a product catalog, forum or the like as you so moronically indicated below:

Now far be it for me to tell you how to run your effed up company, but wouldn’t such glaringly obvious evidence like my blog posts, blog archive, blog followers and plenty of really awesome blog awards clue your jackass reviewers in to the fact that my blog The Ranter’s Box is in fact an actual blog?

One would think so especially after Technorati sent me an email stating:

Thank you for submitting your blog claim on Technorati. We have successfully crawled your blog and found the claim token, and your claim is now awaiting review.

Seriously, WTF is going on with your jacked up claims process? It has been seven days, six claims, three blog claim tokens, and endless Technorati excuses later and I’m still waiting for approval. Please get your shit together ASAP lest I get completely and utterly fed up with all of your nonsense and go find myself a far better blog directory to list my snarky little blog!


The Empress

Yet another Technorati claim token: HKVRV8VTDXH3

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Odds and Ends, Bits and Bobs

Apologies for being MIA my lovelies. I’ve been cooking up some juicy posts for you all but had to put them on hold while dealing with some technical difficulties in getting The Ranter’s Box listed on one of the blog directories …some nonsense about URL’s, blog crawling and claim tokens. But anyhoo…

First I want to say thank you to all the new readers who have joined our snarky little family and to those of you that have remained faithful followers and continue to bring joy to my day with all of your amusing comments.

A special shout-out goes to the always entertaining Simple Dude in a Complex World. I am still beyond touched by his ongoing efforts to help me get B.O.N.’ed (Blog of Note). He wrote this really cool post imploring the Blog of Note Gods or Goddesses to BON both me and the amazing Rabbit over at The Long Journey to the Middle. Many thanks Simple Dude!

On another note, after some prompting by a few readers, I can happily report that I managed to get a couple of phrases common to The Empress published in Urban Dictionary. Word Perv was easily accepted by their editors however Knob-slobbing took a bit more effort. Apparently one of the more conservative editors didn’t feel my first submission of knob-slobbing was acceptable. After re-submitting under “knob-slob” and sanitizing my example they finally gave the green light. Woo-hoo! Feel free to click on the word links and give your thumbs up for my words on the Urban Dictionary site.

Also, after reviewing today’s key search words for The Ranter’s Box it appears that I am starting to get a reputation as a genuine word perv. Can you guess which search words are my favorite?

And that my lovelies is all the latest. In the meantime, have a great rest of the week …and be on the lookout for a follow up post to the one on the sex study as well as something about BJ’s.

xo The Empress