Tuesday, May 31, 2011

One Year and it’s time to pimp yourselves

It is amazing how quickly time passes. Today is the One Year Anniversary of The Ranter’s Box here in our funky little blogosphere. Never in a million years did I think that 365 days later I would be blessed with so many wonderful and loyal blog followers.

The virtual friendships that I have developed with people from across the globe are absolutely priceless. And your kind words and always amusing comments bring much joy and happiness to my day. For this I am forever grateful.

In honor of your awesomeness I’d like to follow in the footsteps of the gorgeous Mynx over at Dribble and ask all of you to please do the following:

Scroll down to the comment section below and leave your blog name along with a bit of information about your blog. Feel free to share the names of any other blogs you fancy as well. Links and humor are definitely welcome. Today is all about YOU!

Cheers and let’s get this pimping party started!!!

xo The Empress

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Short and Sweet Saturdays - Dancing Edition

Being that it’s the weekend baby (and a long holiday weekend in some parts of the world) we’ll keep this post short and sweet.

Today’s focus is on what we slightly depraved folks in the blogosphere seem to enjoy or what I like to refer to as Taking the Piss at Other Peoples Funny Mishaps – Dancing Edition:

Is it wrong that I laughed when the guy swung the lady around in the living room and crashed her head smack dab into the coffee table?

xo The Empress

PS: And a very big and heartfelt welcome to all the new readers who have recently joined our snarky family. Thanks a bunch for the blog love!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

You Are a Star so let’s celebrate!

In honor of my 200th post here at The Ranter’s Box I thought I would show some love to my good friends Jeremy Buck & The Bang, an amazing band based out of Los Angeles. They have just released their latest album called “You Are a Star”.

In honor of this momentous occasion and the birthday of Jeremy Buck himself, I thought I would give you the opportunity to preview all the rockin’ tracks on their new album by clicking on this link. Personally I’m a big fan of the highly addictive song “Just for One Night” as well as the beautiful “Outside My Window”. No doubt you will find your very own favorites as well.

You Are a Star” is now available to download and purchase at iTunes. You’ll definitely want to add these gents to your music collection.

In the meantime, crank up your computer speakers and enjoy this cool music video by Jeremy Buck & The Bang:

Enjoy the rest of your week my lovelies and don’t forget to make a rock star's week by getting your copy of “You Are a Star”!

xo The Empress

Monday, May 23, 2011

Lock up your men or my boobies will eat them!

Let me preface this post by stating that I do NOT condone messing around with someone else’s partner, cheating, or any other type of related behavior that most people would consider inappropriate. I have the utmost respect for a couple’s relationship whether they are married, engaged, seriously dating, shacking up, out on a date, or what have you.

With that being said, it is incredibly off-putting to encounter an obviously insecure woman who reacts in public as if someone else were intending to be all sneaky and try and steal her man. The phenomena to which I’m referring happens at the airport, in line at the big box stores, at the movies, in restaurants, or just about anywhere one might encounter couples out together.

If an insecure female is out with her man and another woman happens to be anywhere in the general vicinity, suddenly said female will start behaving in an inappropriately affectionate way towards her man. And by inappropriate I mean hanging all over her man, kissing his neck, rubbing her boobies or hoo-ha up on him, or even attempting a full-on make out session.

The interesting thing here is that most women who are subjected to this sort of behavior DON'T run around in skimpy little tight t-shirts emblazoned with the words ‘Man Eater’ on their tits all whilst casting wanton come hither looks at unavailable men. I know I definitely do not.

Most of the time we’re just off in our own little world innocently trying to get in and out of a store as quickly as possible when suddenly we’ll hear gross slurping noises behind us. When we turn around to investigate the source of vulgarity, we’ll catch some dude not-so-slyly checking us out whilst his desperate girlfriend is trying to give him huge hickeys anyplace she can land them.

Surprisingly this type of crap also happens when we’re publically accompanied by a man. One time while out on a rather un-enjoyable dinner date, I was trying to politely find a way to get home ASAP so I could instead watch re-runs of government hearings on CSPAN or color coordinate my sock drawer. Unfortunately my attention was diverted away from my escape plans by some creepy married guy at the next table who kept staring at me. His wife cottoned on pretty quickly to his wandering eye. She then responded in the trashiest of fashion by deep kissing and dry humping her man right in the middle of the restaurant, prompting me to want to vomit all over both of their nasty asses…

Taking all of this into account, the entire situation is pretty pathetic if you ask me. I’m not interested in anyone else’s man and neither are any of the other women who fall victim to this sort of nonsense. And we’re especially not keen on any guy that has to be kept on a short leash because he is prone to sniffing around at ladies other than his own.

So attention all you pathetic little insecure females: The problem isn’t US. The problem is YOU and your lack of self-confidence, not to mention your very poor choice in male partners. Now please go work on your self-esteem issues and stop acting like a cat in heat every time you and your jackwagon of a man are in the vicinity of another woman. It’s incredibly disgusting and sad.

Happy Monday my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Best Comment of the Week winner 5-21-11

A big bloggy shout-out goes to Lost.in.Idaho who left this hilarious comment on my recent “Barbie gets Boobs” post:

"Damn, if I could twist a girl's arm and watch her boobs grow, there would be WAY more dislocated shoulder cases at the local clinic!! Ladies, I apologize for that comment. But hehehe..."

Very clever I’m sure you’ll all agree. As such I am hereby nominating Lost as my winner for Best Comment of the Week. Be sure and stop by his blog My Own Private Idaho for a big dose of entertaining spuddy fun. And don’t forget to hit the “Follow” button! You can tell him I said so.

On another note, I want to say THANK YOU to my dear Aussie friend Mynx over at Dribble. She was kind enough to bestow me with the “Overlord Award” as was the awesome Laynee over at Lost in La La.

Being that this is now my third time receiving this particular award, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps some of you think I’m a bit of a bossy boots. (smiles sheepishly)

I also want to extend a huge THANKS to the always lovely Becca over at My Life who honored me with the “Good Bloggers Pay it Forward” award. I love pimping out other bloggers and usually find various ways of my own to do so. Hopefully you will as well because it feels good!

Becca, Mynx and Laynee are the wonderful kind of bloggers who are always the first to offer praise, encouragement, and to show support towards their fellow bloggers. If you aren’t yet following them, then be sure that you do. You won’t be disappointed.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, May 20, 2011

Don’t forget to pack this in your apocalypse survival kit

In my last post I shared information about an awesome new invention created by one of my brilliant friends. This invention just hit the stores and is sure to be a major hit in the marketplace, prompting the masses to wonder why in the heck they didn’t think of the idea first.

By contrast, on the flipside of the great invention coin is this rather stinky idea:

Use this and then imagine yourself trying to explain what in the bejeezus you have stuffed up in your drawers the next time you about to commence with some sexy time!!

Happy Friday my lovelies and see you on the other side,
xo The Empress

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I Wish I Would Have Invented This

When it comes to brilliant ideas for new products, I have to give a big thumbs up to my buddy over at Plopculture who is the brains behind the awesomely cool RPRT/Curad Skate Series bandages.

These officially licensed signature skate bandages are crafted to look like mini-skateboards and feature iconic artwork from some of the biggest names in skateboarding including NHS and Flip Skateboards.

This first series of skate bandages is now available at various retailers including Walmart, Winn Dixie, Price Chopper, Duane Reade, and Brookshire’s Food & Pharmacy.

In the future there will be artwork from other board companies featured as well as new bandages styled after different types of board sports.

Now go get yourself some of these amazing skate bandages and tell Mr. Meyerson that The Empress sent you!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Barbie gets Boobs

From Tattoo Barbie to Pregnant Barbie, the line of Barbie products that totally FAIL continues to grow. And by ‘grow’ I mean quite literally. Case in point, check out this video featuring Barbie’s previously less-endowed little sister Skipper:

Just what every insecure, flat-chested little girl needs to make her feel like she needs to run right out to the local cosmetic surgeon and buy herself a brand new set of ta-ta’s the very second that she is old enough to do so!

Happy Monday and have a fantabulous week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, May 13, 2011

Dorky doesn’t fall far from the tree

Let me preface this post by clearly stating that I am NOT one to say cruel or unkind things about someone’s level of attractiveness, height or other physical characteristics they can’t change because that would be just plain mean. However, I’m sure we’d all agree that there ARE plenty of things that a person can change when it comes to their overall appearance – things like grooming, hairstyle, and choice of clothing.

Apparently though, not everyone is aware of or even cares about this simple fact. There are segments of the population that seem less than inclined to dress or groom themselves in any way that is personally flattering or at all connected to the current trends of society. Perhaps these sorts of people want to focus upon being unique like Lady Gaga or Donald Trump. Or perhaps it is because they reside in Amish Country. Or maybe they are just plain clueless.

Case in point, once while out hiking my friend and I came across a family that caused us to look at each other with seriously raised eyebrows. Within this family was a young boy who could have been seen as your typical cute kid had his parents NOT ignorantly dressed him in high-waisted shorts that came up to his arm pits, a tucked in t-shirt, long black knee socks, and an incredibly moronic sun bonnet tied securely under his chin.

Seriously, the outfit was so bad that even Mr. Rogers would have laughed. The parents might as well have put a giant sign on the kid’s back that said “KICK ME” and then sent him straight into the clutches of the school bully because dressed like that Little Bonnet Boy is definitely doomed to be stuffed into school lockers and have his lunch money stolen on a regular basis.

Reflecting upon that kind of scenario does make one wonder about the kind of parents that would do such a thing to their young, innocent and impressionable child. But the answer to that particular question became readily apparent a few moments later when the kid’s father came strolling up the hiking path dressed in virtually the same idiotic nerdy outfit as his son.

So yes, apparently the phrase is true about the apple not falling far from the tree. Thanks to his dorky parents and their asinine way of attiring themselves and their offspring, this poor unfortunate dork-in-the-making doesn’t stand a chance in hell. Which is just plain wrong.

While it is true that not everyone is destined to be the school beauty queen or coolest kid on the block, no child should be should have the misfortune of being made (at the hands of their parents) into the class misfit or local social reject. There are plenty of affordable discount stores like Ross, Walmart, The Warehouse or even second-hand stores where parents can purchase children’s clothing that is reasonably stylish and looks like it comes from this decade.

So to all the clueless parents out there, please do your child a huge favor and actually think about this the next time you are dressing them or out shopping for their clothes …And NO, your kid would NOT love to wear that stupid reindeer holiday sweater with the pretty sparkles and ridiculous matching hat…

xo The Empress

Monday, May 9, 2011

Overlords and More Word Pervery

With a bit of perseverance, a few prayers, several submissions, a couple of cases of booze and some nudie photos used as bribes, I am pleased to announce that Urban Dictionary finally decided to publish my fourth NEW WORD entry into their amusing online dictionary.

Being that my latest word perv concoction is in direct reference to “He Who Shall Not Be Named”, their legal people probably scrutinized the hell out of each and every word of my new definition fearing that the incredibly cuckoo-for-cocoa-puffs Warlock might get all litigious and try to sue their pants off.

You can view my Urban Dictionary definition for GONE SHEEN by clicking on this link. Once you get there please click on the “thumbs up” button. If you are so inclined then feel free to hit that thumb sign several times daily and for all of eternity.

Let’s wear the frick out of that thumbs up button my lovelies! Doing so will help make the phrase “GONE SHEEN” famous. Plus it might even increase the likelihood that The Warlock will find out about the word, get his knickers in a twist and actually try to file suit against someone.

On another note, I have been slightly remiss in acknowledging the always entertaining Bruce over at JADIP who kindly bestowed me with the awesome Overlord Award. In thanks I ask that you please stop by JADIP and show Bruce and his adorable doggy Tucker some bloggy love.

By now I’m sure you’ve all figured out that I don’t tend to follow too many rules. However, this particular award requires that I state what I will decree in my new position as overlord and I thought I might actually play along:

I thy Royal Empress Overlord hereby command that all shitty drivers, jackwagon politicians, and fame-whoring celebutards IMMEDIATELY pack their belongings and move to another planet. This official banishment commences NOW and lasts FOREVER.

Have a fantabulous week and don’t forget to vote for my new word GONE SHEEN over at Urban Dictionary.

Thanks and Much Love,
The Empress

Friday, May 6, 2011

You just had WHAT?

Combine Blake Lively, Jessica Alba, AKON plus a few funny guys and you have an amusing example of one of the latest trends in video entertainment: the music parody video.

This genre of entertainment often features high-quality production work, award winning musical talent, and sexy A-list movie stars who are all in on the joke. Case in point, check out The Lonely Island comedy troupe singing their dorky spoof hit “I Just Had Sex”:

Gotta love the crotch fireworks!

Happy Weekend my lovelies,
xo The Empress

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Tweedles are back

Once again I have subjected myself to the insanity that is otherwise known as home maintenance repairs. Historically this type of service work has turned out rather poorly, so much so that I actually banned any and all maintenance workers from my current home. However, once the need for repairs started to mount I was forced to recall the dastardly source of my maintenance aggravation: THE TWEEDLES. They are back and lord only knows how this chapter will turn out. I promise to keep you posted but in the meantime here is an unfortunate account of my last experience with Tweedledee, Tweedledum and Tweedledumber:

The property in which I reside decided they would finally replace my leaky refrigerator and shitty stove that they should have replaced six months ago and prior to me moving in. But better late than never I suppose. Now I'll finally to be able to bake delicious cookies whilst dancing around in my lovely underwear and tiara …and not have said cookies disappointingly come out of the oven all burned around the edges and raw in the middle.

Anyhow, what should have been a relatively simple process that involved removing the old wonky appliances and replacing them with bright, shiny new appliances turned into a majorly convoluted production. All while the entire contents of my refrigerator and freezer sat in my kitchen sink and got hotter than a whore cranking it in 98% humidity.

I should have known that things weren’t going to go quite according to plan when Tweedledee, the first maintenance technician showed up 30 minutes late for our scheduled appointment and was completely empty-handed. Nary a refrigerator or stove in sight. Tweedledee mumbled something about having to return to his maintenance shop and smoke a joint. And despite my suggesting that upon his departure perhaps he might want to consider taking away one of the defective appliances, he thought otherwise and left as empty-handed as when he arrived.

45 minutes later Tweedledee came back with Tweedledum (maintenance technician #2). Not a fricking appliance in sight. And neither of them had the protective booties their employer requires them to wear on their shoes when working inside tenants’ homes. Tweedledee and Tweedledum decided they should go back to their maintenance shop, get their protective foot coverings, take a few more bong hits, and then upon returning bring up the appliances they had so stupidly left downstairs in the parking garage.

45 minutes more go by and Tweedledee and Tweedledum showed up with Tweedledumber (maintenance technician #3). Somehow by the grace of gawd they actually managed to bring a refrigerator with them but didn’t take into account that they would have to remove the old broken one before the new one could be installed.

It was at that point I started to seriously wonder how in the effing hell any of those shit-for-brains dimwits could actually get themselves dressed and out of the house in the morning…

But after much trial and tribulation the Tweedles somehow managed to install my new refrigerator. The joy however was short-lived when I realized the refrigerator and freezer doors were installed on the wrong side thus rendering access to said appliance virtually impossible.

Tweedledee, Tweedledum and Tweedledumber decided amongst themselves that they would have to return yet again to the maintenance shop. This time to drink a few beers, text their girlfriends, and possibly get the necessary tools required to switch the appliance doors. Yes, that is correct. Out of three maintenance technicians, not a single one of them had the foresight to bring along any tools necessary for an appliance installation.

30 minutes later the useless pack of jackasses came back with the appropriate tools and proceeded amongst themselves to struggle for another 30 minutes trying to get the appliance doors removed.

Finally, three hours into the whole maddening debacle, the incredibly moronic Tweedles finally completed the refrigerator swap. I then had the great displeasure of having to project manage their stupid and stoned asses while they attempted to replace my stove…


Happy Hump Day my lovelies,
xo The Empress

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Weird News: Rodent Edition

Talk about curiosity killing the rat. In Miami on the night of May 1, 2011, a rodent with a major death wish climbed to the top of a street light pole and stupidly proceeded to chew through a fusible link. Being that electrical fuses and rat teeth make for a very poor match, it was only a short time before an explosion ensued. With a snap, crackle and pop, out went all of the street lights and down from the light post came the smoking, singed and very dead rat.

A group of equally curious people from a nearby bar went out to investigate the then dark intersection where the explosion had occurred. One of the group members made the disgusting discovery of the electrocuted rat with its fur still smoking. Unfortunately around the very same time two vehicles collided in the darkness and hit several of the pedestrians. Sadly, one person died at the scene and five others were rushed to nearby hospitals …all because one rat randomly decided to play his own version of rodent Russian roulette.

While the chances of something bizarre like this ever happening again are about a gazillion to one, be safe my lovelies and watch out for those crazy kamikaze rats just waiting to wreak havoc on the world!

xo The Empress