Thanks for the Christchurch love

Thank you for hanging in there while I have been all but missing in action this past week. All of the heartfelt comments you have left in honor of the Christchurch, New Zealand earthquake victims are deeply appreciated. Being that so many of my dear friends have personally suffered from this devastating disaster, it is comforting to know that you continue to send your prayers and well wishes their way. For this I shall be forever grateful.

I also realize that you take time out of your busy day to stop by The Ranter’s Box for your regular dose of laughter and word pervery. Please know that being able to bring a smile to your day is still and will always be my primary mission. Therefore it is beyond touching that despite my recent sadness and lack of posts, that not only have you all continued to hang in there but we have also happily had some brand new readers join our snarky family.

You guys are the best!
xo The Empress

PS: For those of you that asked how you could donate to the 2011 Christchurch Earthquake Appeal, this is the link to the New Zealand Red Cross.

Don’t even think about dissing Christchurch

Hello my lovelies. When I bring out the nasty ole’ hater graphic you know it’s time for me to go all verbal kung fu on someone’s stupid and insensitive ass.

Yesterday I sadly reported that my adopted hometown of Christchurch, New Zealand was tragically hit by a devastating earthquake. Many of you kindly left beautiful comments that showed your love and support for the victims of this horrific disaster. Each of those comments was deeply appreciated.

Sitting here half-way around the world, I have been feeling rather helpless. My intention was to pass your comments along to my kiwi mates back in Christchurch so that they would know the world is praying for them during this time of tragedy and loss. I felt like this was the least that I could do.

Then I happened to read the following comment by some shit-for-brains fucktard:

"sorry to laugh, but Christchurch is a city name? What great marketing for church if ive ever seen.."

Now call me just a tad bit touchy and emotional right now, but WTF? After reading my post and viewing the accompanying video about the Christchurch earthquake, how could someone even be in the frame of mind to be laughing?

It is beyond disgusting that some asshole happens to think now is a good time to poke fun at this amazing city that has all but been destroyed in the worst natural disaster in its entire history.

Countless people have lost their lives and the death toll continues to rise. People that I know and love have lost their homes and businesses. Iconic landmarks and beautiful buildings have been destroyed. The city center is in ruins. Entire neighborhoods are flooded and certain to be lost. A place that I love with all of my heart has been forever changed.

So, to the sick and twisted sociopath that brought disrespect and hate to my blog:

You are no longer welcome here at The Ranter’s Box. Your behavior is beyond repugnant and will not be tolerated. There have been reports that you have left hateful comments on the blog sites of some of my friends. Please know with absolute certainty that no one messes with me, my bloggy family, my loved ones, and definitely not Christchurch without facing my wrath. You are in dire need of psychiatric help and should be ashamed of yourself. If you ever show your disgusting face around this blog again know without a doubt that I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

The Empress

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming

Most of the time it is all fun and games here at The Ranter’s Box but today it is important to switch things up a bit. Yesterday afternoon a major earthquake devastated my adopted hometown of Christchurch, New Zealand.

This is the second serious earthquake to strike Christchurch since a 7.1 magnitude quake hit back in early September 2010. Being that the latest quake struck mid-day with the epicenter a mere three miles from the center of the city, this trembler proved to be deadly.

While I am personally safe and currently living half way around the world, many of my dear Cantabrian friends have personally been impacted by this tragic event. Homes, businesses and lives have sadly been lost. Please join me in sending your positive thoughts and prayers to all the victims and their loved ones.

xo The Empress

Feline Felonies: Klepto Edition

Over the years I have heard some pretty amazing tales about the various sorts of ingenious presents that house cats decide to bring home in the middle of the night. While mice and insects seem to be fairly typical, one friend’s cat somehow managed to drag an entire seagull in through the cat door and deposit it smack in the middle of the kitchen for mummy and daddy to find the next morning at breakfast.

But nothing has come close to what I recently discovered on this video:



Talk about a naught pussy…


Have a fantabulously effingtastic week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Complaint Letters: Prankster Edition

Dear Public Nuisance Prankster,

I want to extend my most insincere thanks regarding the inconsiderate and asinine prank you pulled the other night. While it is understandable that you most likely have the brain capacity of a half-baked flea, myself and the other apartment building tenants DID NOT appreciate the way in which you went about getting your jollies at our expense.

At 2:00am hundreds of innocent people were peacefully sleeping, passionately shagging, happily watching porn, or otherwise productively engaged when you so rudely and intentionally decided it would be good fun to set off the fire alarm.

This resulted in non-stop shrieking, eardrum piercing alarms and flashing lights to go off. Disoriented and freaked out residents fled from the building in various states of undress, while the more daring tried to get their vehicles out of the underground parking garage in the midst of all the bedlam.

Everyone was forced to stay outside in the dark cold of night until the entire building, floor by floor, could be checked and cleared of any real and legitimate danger. All while you most likely watched and wacked off from afar with a shit-eating grin plastered on your nasty little evil face.

Please know that if we ever have the misfortune to cross paths that I will gladly rip your freaking head off your shoulders and drop kick it into next week. In the meantime, please do us all a favor and go get yourself a mofo life you useless and pathetic cocknozzle. And don’t make me tell you again!

Regards,

The Empress

Zap and take that!

Here is yet another crazy and cockamamie product for the girl that has everything OR the woman who is seeking the ultimate in feminine protection any time of the month.

This particular device is oh-so-appropriately named The Pink Stinger in reference to the 50,000 volts of electrical discharge that will sear the ball hair right off of an assailant and disable him in a puddle of his own piss:




Now how’s that for a Weapon of Mass Absorption?

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Name that Star

Hello my lovelies it is time to play the Guessing Game and see if you can Name that Star. This particular guy is a major rock star who fronts one of the most famous bands of all time. He is a well-known Brit who is as ubber famous for one of his facial features as he is for his incredibly charismatic way with the ladies.

Seeing him perform last night for the first time ever on the Grammy’s made me take a wee trip down memory lane. Back in the day I had the good fortune to not only have dinner with this man but to also enjoy an unforgettable evening out on the town with him and then later attend a swanky private party he was hosting in a posh mansion.

It was a whirlwind couple of weeks that resulted in my marketing professor bribing me to get his much sought after autograph. In exchange, I was able to take my marketing exam a day late so that I could instead shop and get all dolled up for his spectacular not-to-be-missed party.

Now if you haven’t yet figured out the identity of this superstar, here is final clue:





And for the record, NO, I did not f*ck Mick Jagger …but I definitely could have played hide the salami with another A-lister that was also hanging with the entourage…

I’d love to hear all about your own celebrity encounters. Feel free to share your amazing adventures with the famous in comments section below. And yes, we want the juicy details. All of them.

Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

What to do when you are bored

Like most people, you are probably fairly familiar with the concept of Bucket Lists. You know, that list of amazing and interesting stuff we’d like to do before we actually kick the ole bucket… i.e. travel around the world, climb a huge and formidable mountain, yada yada yah…

I personally think bucket lists are great and even have one of my own as there are still some pretty major things I would like to do, see or experience during my lifetime. But what about compiling a go-to list of random crazy shit to do just for kicks – or when you are feeling positively bored? Think of it kind of like an ‘Oh, Why the Friggin’ Hell Not’ list.

To assist in getting your creative mind going and/or to further corrupt you, I’ve compiled a list of wackadoodle suggestions to help make your life a bit more interesting. Some of the ideas may require that you not mind potentially making a ginormous jackass of yourself while others will require you to polish your acting skills. Some suggestions might be considered juvenile. Hopefully none of them will get you into any sort of actual trouble. But regardless, all of the suggestions are meant in good fun:

1. Dress up in a sexy police costume and go to Walmart and pretend to arrest random and unsuspecting people for shoplifting.

2. Walk around Sea World with a fishing pole and watch how people react.

3. Go to an ATM machine and shout ‘OMG! I hit the jackpot, I hit the jackpot’ when money comes out of the machine.

4. Visit a crowded public restroom. Once inside the stall burp loudly and then in an equally loud voice say ‘Mmmm ...tasty!’

5. Go to the produce section of your local grocery store and secretly make naughty displays with the fruits and vegetables.

6. Ride an elevator of a tall building with your back to the door. When someone gets on the elevator, quickly look over your shoulder and ask them to press the button for a floor that doesn’t exist.

7. Go to McDonalds and when placing an order pretend that you don’t speak English.

8. Visit the local fish and game office and try to apply for a ‘Unicorn Hunting License’.

9. Find and stand in a long line in a store or other public place. Select another person to make feel uncomfortable by staring at them and grinning stupidly. Suddenly and excitedly announce to them ‘I’ve got new socks on’.

10. Sit in your parked car wearing sunglasses and pointing a hair dryer at passing cars, while watching closely to see if drivers slow down.

11. Go to a bar and ask annoying patrons what sex they are. When they answer laugh at them hysterically. If necessary, point at their pants for extra emphasis.

12. When on holiday and having a night-out-on-the-town, dress up and pretend to be someone slightly famous. Sign autographs and take photos with clueless tourists.

13. When shopping at a big box store place weird, random and/or pervy items into the shopping carts of unsuspecting people.

14. Go to the service desk of a library and place a take-out order using your ‘outside voice’. When the librarian tells you that ‘this is the library’ repeat your food order in a whisper.

15. Upon exiting a department store changing room, hand back a large stack of pants and disgustedly announce to the attendant ‘none of these are leak proof’.

16. Follow bookstore patrons around while reading aloud from a Scientology handbook.

17. Go to the drive through of a fast food restaurant and repeatedly order things they don’t have on the menu while insisting that you need to have your order ‘to go’.

18. Call up your cable company and demand that they credit your account because you didn’t get the ‘desired results’ from the adult’s only pay-per-view movie you ordered.

19. Put in a pair of jacked up fake teeth and skip around a shopping mall singing ‘I feel pretty, so pretty’.

20. Go on a major campaign and pimp The Ranter’s Box to all of your friends so that The Empress can become a major star in the blogosphere. I shall be forever grateful!



I would love to hear your suggestions for crazy things to do when you are bored, so feel free to leave your recommendations in the comments section below …and the more outlandish, wild or even pervy, the better!
xo The Empress

Is there a camel in the house?

While researching ridiculous feminine products I discovered a bizarre little contraption geared toward the girl that has puffy naughty bits OR who has had the misfortune of being caught out wearing her britches hitched way up high into the crevices of her hoo-ha.

This is never ever ever a good look and is equivalent to a dude grossly wearing sweatpants in public without any underwear.

However, a company called Cuchini has come to the rescue with a handy dandy modesty device known as the Camel Toe Eraser:




Just shove one of these little bicycle seat shaped liners into your knickers and you too can enjoy a smooth and camel toe free appearance in your nether regions. Or better yet, try looking in the mirror before leaving the house and stop altogether with wearing those tacky, cookie-eating hoochie mama pants …I’m just saying…


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On another note, I want to send a shout-out to the always amusing Thundercat over at Colorful Rants Of A Fed Up Sista who made my day when she bestowed me with the much appreciated Makes Me Smile Blog Award. If you haven’t yet discovered her crazy and highly entertaining blog, head on over and check it out. You won’t be disappointed.

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

The lazy ass co-worker phenomenon

At some point in time we have all probably had a lazy-ass co-worker (or two) that somehow managed to collect a paycheck while at the same time doing virtually nothing to have earned it. This phenomenon is so prevalent that lazy co-workers often top the lists of pet peeves that employees have about the workplace.

For me, this particular pet peeve developed through countless years working in the corporate jungle with a bunch of utterly useless sloths. And I’m NOT just talking about the brown-noser guy who arrives at work early only to keep up appearances with the top brass but who then spends the first three hours of work drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, surfing porn on the internet and wandering around the office as if he were doing something productive.

What I’m more specifically referring to are lame, non-contributory, conniving slackers like one of the annoying paycheck collectors that I had the great displeasure of working with earlier in my career. Let’s call this incompetent nasty little blood sausage Gertrude. Some of my fonder and ever so endearing memories (NOT!) of skiving Gertrude include her:

• Spending half a day calling all the cosmetic counters in the surrounding metropolitan area to locate a special kind of sparkly, light diffusing face powder. Poor Gertrude was unable to get the top off her shimmery face spackle and she absolutely, positively without a doubt needed it for some supposed hot date she was having later that night -- therefore any and all work related tasks were forced to come to a screeching halt until said magical cosmetic was located.

• Skipping out of the office one hour after she returned from lunch so that she could spend the next three hours getting her precious hair highlighted. She told her colleagues to call her if they needed help with anything work related ...meaning HER work.

• Hiding stacks of client work orders (that generated revenue) in the bottom of her desk drawer. She justified this by saying she didn’t have time to keep up with menial and unimportant things like filing.

• Leaving work on her so-called ‘lunch hour’ for 5 hours so that she could go to the cosmetic surgeon and have a chemical facial peel. Upon returning to work 45 minutes before the office closed, she spent the remainder of her ‘work day’ eliciting sympathy from her co-workers regarding all the trauma she was forced to endure at the doctor.

• Packing up her desk no less than 15 minutes before the office closed every fricking day so that she could get a head start on rush hour traffic …and f*ck everyone else that might have had to deal with the same!

• Earning herself a month and a half of paid medical leave – and sympathy from all after she left a candle unattended at home and allegedly set her good-for-nothing ass on fire. The timing of this particular incident turned out to be rather interesting considering the fact that some of her previous indiscretions had come to the attention of her superior but after the arse burning incident were somehow quickly forgotten.

By the time I had finally had enough of that complete and utter bullshit, I left not only the company but the country itself. That useless cow Gertrude was still somehow managing to get paid for using the workday to conduct all of her fricking personal business. However, if there is any justice in this world, hopefully Gertrude finally got what she had coming to her and is now earning a living by cleaning toilets at a seedy local truck stop …I’m just saying…

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PS: The past week or so something dodgy seems to be going on with Blogger, hence this repost. I’ve been receiving the usual number of comments from all of my lovelies but the number of page views has been way down. Either this blog is slowing dying or the stats counter is all effed up. Has anyone else experienced this?

Sick and Twisted – Horn Dog Edition

Since it is my ultimate mission to bring a dollop of laughter and joy to your day, I did a wee troll around the video vault and found a little ‘somethin somethin’ that just may appease your pervy little sensibilities:




Now maybe it’s just me but that randy old dog seems incredibly well trained when it comes to getting nana to assume the position. I’m not quite sure who is enjoying themselves more but if anyone busts out a jar of peanut butter…

Happy Weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Fashion DON’Ts for Dudes

While I personally know some men with a fantabulous sense of fashion, it is probably fair to say that there are plenty of guys out there that really have positively no clue when it comes to dressing themselves in even the slightest semi-appealing manner. In an effort to help out those poor fashion-challenged blokes, The Ranter’s Box Fashionista is offering up some fairly universal fashion don’ts – as in DO NOT EVER BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WEARING the following:


Socks with Sandals


Wearing sandals accompanied by socks is a completely moronic fashion faux pas. Besides looking ridiculous, socks defeat the whole purpose of allowing ones feet to stay cool. If a man’s feet are so fugly or poorly groomed that he needs to hide them with socks, then he should simply opt for normal, closed-toe shoes… or otherwise risk coming across as a stupid effing dork!


Skinny Jeans


Unless a guy is in his teens, early twenty’s or is an actual real-life rock star, then it is a given that most men cannot effectively pull off this effeminate, incredibly trendy look. Skinny jeans are unflattering on almost everyone and far, far from manly. Chicks like manly. Enough said.


Cropped Shirts


Cropped shirts of any kind are a major fashion disaster. Unless a guy is working as a male stripper then it is best to steer completely clear of this type of tacky attire. Most men do not have the appropriate physique to wear this sort of look. And even if a dude does have a banging bod and is gung ho on showing off his six-pack in a sexy little cropped top, then he is still at risk of looking like one of the Village People or a slimey guido from the Jersey Shore. So just don’t go there!


Holiday Sweaters


Holiday sweaters NEVER WERE and will NEVER BE fashionable for a man. Only a frumpy nana who is stuck in the 80’s would dare attempt this huge fashion no-no. So, unless one is aiming to become an absolute laughing stock amongst their mates and ridiculed for life, the only acceptable place for a holiday sweater is inside a wood chipper or at the bottom of a fire pit. Comprende?


Speedos


Wearing thongs, banana hammocks, sausage slings, budgie smugglers or anything even remotely resembling a speedo in public is just plain wrong on so many levels. Speedos are unflattering on almost all men and no one wants to be forced to see the ‘junk in some dude’s trunks’. Unless a guy is a professional competitive swimmer, then it is best to save this look for private viewing ONLY lest risk coming across as a gross, narcissistic douchey exhibitionist!


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Thank you and please don’t let me catch any of you fellas violating these all-important fashion rules or I will be forced to issue you a citation …or possibly even a spanking!

Dollies for Big Boys

Hello my lovelies! In a quest to satisfy your insatiable appetite for all things pervy, I slipped on my silicone sexologist’s coat and went on a research expedition into the weird and wacky world of synthetic love. And yes, I am referring to that crazy alternate universe where people do indeed fornicate with sex dolls.

(***Please Note: This post contains LOTS of sexy talk and naughty references. If your virginal eyeballs are easily offended, stop back by tomorrow or go find yourself a nice little blog on the blasé history of yarn making***)

Now for those of you that are unfamiliar, sex dolls are adult toys that are created in the shape and size of a sexual partner and are basically used for getting one’s rocks off. Dolls generally consist of a face, anatomically correct body plus those all important accessories.

And by accessories, I am referring to various orifices or appendages (vadge, ding dong, pie hole and bunghole) that facilitate sexual stimulation. Said accessories are available vibrating, interchangeable or removable (in the event that one bangs the shit out of their dolly and needs to replace its plastic cock or cookie).

People that are incredibly serious about sex dolls willingly pay US$5,000.00 or more for their highly customized synthetic lovers. While somewhat creepy to imagine, silicone eff-dolls are designed with realistic skin material, real or life-like hair as well as flexible joints that enable the user to get their freak on in a variety of joy inducing positions.

As evidenced in the following video, sex dolls today are amazingly human-like, so much so that their kinky little owners dress them up, talk to them, have relationships with them as well as go to town like donkey kong on their manmade naughty bits:



So whether you think love doll aficionados are sad, sick & twisted, or cool in a freaky sort of way, the one major upside is that the dollies are always available and never talk back!

Happy Monday!
xo The Empress

Origins of a Word Perv

Ok, I’ll admit it. I am rather fond of swearing. At times I’m certain I could give a sailor or a truck driver a run for their money when it comes to being a potty mouth. Catch me in the car stuck in nightmare traffic and sometimes I even amaze myself with the never-before-heard naughty word combinations I come up with. They. Are. Shocking.

But it’s not just the car that sets off my colorful language. I am a full-on equal opportunity curser. Perhaps I was born this way. Just ask the school bus driver that I naively called all sorts of vile names when I was a mere 5 years old. All that particular incident required was a wee bit of encouragement by the older kids and I was delightfully spewing every single bad word that was whispered into my ear.

Having my mouth washed out as a child on more than a few occasions did however help me realize that I needed to sensor where and around whom that I swear. Because of this I tend to refrain from using profanity around kids or the elderly, in church or other environments where a certain standard of lady-like decorum is required. In business environments I also tend to err on the side of caution until I suss out the communication styles of the various players.

Because I don’t look like someone who gleefully punctuates my sentences with dirty words, sometimes people are actually shocked as shit to hear me curse. Secretly I kind of delight in this fact. But then if you read my blog with any sort of regularity you probably already figured out that I am in fact the original word perv.

And for those of us who do indulge in the use of four-letter words, we all tend to have at least a word or two that we particularly enjoy using. Mine just so happens to be the EFF word and all its wonderful variations, be they nouns, adjectives or verbs. I find it positively fantabulous that the root of a single word can be so multi-dimensional when it comes to expressing both thoughts, feelings …and for you big pervs, desires!

So, whether you consider the use of expletives to be commonplace, vulgar or outright blasphemous, for me there is nothing quite like getting your cuss on. If you agree please leave your favorite dirty words in the comments section below. Perhaps we can add some of your recommendations to a future addition of Empress Phraseology.

Have an effingtastic week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Tell me what cha want, what you really really want

Being that one of my main missions in life is to help bring a ginormous smile and hopefully even some laughter to your day, I thought I would take a brief moment to check in with you my lovelies and find out which types of my snarky-ass posts that you most enjoy.

While my silly rants cover a wide spectrum of life experiences that we all can generally relate, there are actually some themes that are common here at The Ranter’s Box:

• Famewhore Celebutard Updates

• Handy Dandy Tips for Jackarses

• Empress Complaint Letters

• Madame Ranter’s Box Predictions

• The Armchair Psychologist Examines Odd/Pervy Human Behavior

• Sexy Talk with the Blogosphere’s Resident Sexologist (me)

• Random Rants and Related Funny Videos

• Empress Phraseology

• Other (sometimes some of the shit that spews forth from my computer can’t actually be placed into any particular category but as long as you like it then I’m a happy camper)

If you would be so kind as to let me know in the comments section below what you enjoy reading OR would like for me to write about in future posts, then I would be forever grateful.

Thanks and Happy Weekend!
xo The Empress

Furries in the House!

Some of you might know that I am rather fascinated by bizarre human behavior and fancy myself a bit of an armchair psychologist here in the blogosphere. If said behavior is particularly odd or pervy then you know I’m going to put on my sleuth’s cap and go Sherlock Holmes all over that shit. It’s what I do. And that’s exactly what I did.

While investigating the incredibly strange and even downright freaky furry culture, I learned that anthropomorthics (furries) have special conventions like the upcoming Furries in Wonderland convention being held in Atlanta, Georgia in March 2011. Here our fur obsessed friends can dress up in their favorite furry costumes and participate in fursuit parades, competitions, tournaments and games.

Well, all of that sounded tame and innocent enough until I started perusing their convention policies and read the following:

"The furry community is known for its friendly hugging, scritching, and holding hands, all of which is entirely acceptable… if you feel the need to express deep, physical affection for another we ask that you kindly retire to your hotel room."

So yes, it is apparently true that furries DO engage in sexual activity (yiffing) while kitted out in their kooky little furry suits.

According to wikifur.com casual, monogamous, polygamous and self yiffing are all common. When furries get excited in their fuzzy nasty nether regions and opt for rubbing one out solo the activity is referred to as “pawing off” for males and “digiting” for females …I’m guessing we now know where the phrases f*cking like rabbits and fur munching come from…




Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Time for a quickie

I thought I would pop my head out of the proverbial cave and say a quick hello to my beloved lovelies. My sincerest apologies for depriving you of your regularly prescribed dose of smirks and snarkery.

Today we will have to keep things short and sweet. As such I hope you will enjoy a clip of my favorite cursing parrot that I dug up from the video vault. Being highly skilled in word pervery I’m thinking perhaps we can name the bird our honorary mascot of The Ranter’s Box:




And lest I be remiss, I want to give a huge shout-out to J.Day at The Ramblings of Charlie Brown, Mrs. Hyde at A Bitch Called Mom, and Pencil Girl at Conquering the World for naming me as a recipient of The LOL Award.

Also, another heartfelt thank you goes out to Bouncin’ Barb at This and That and Crazy Ramblings of a Tired Mom who both were so kind as to bestow me with The Stylish Blogger Award.

Thanks for the outpouring of blog love and a big welcome to all the lovely new readers that have joined our snarky blog family as well.

Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

The Big O …times two

By now many of you have probably heard that the The Big O, otherwise known as her highness Oprah Winfrey, has started her own television network. Not too shabby of an accomplishment I must say but certainly not the sort of scintillating or debaucherous news that would keep you my lovelies entertained for very long.

Keeping this in mind I did a little internet trolling and discovered that there just might be a show or at least an eyebrow raising episode on Ms. Winfrey’s network that would pacify your pervy little minds. Here is what I found:

(***WARNING: This post contains lots of naughty talk about SEX. If you find this topic offensive please come back tomorrow or go find yourself a boring little blog about bird watching in the 19th century***)

Anyhoo, there is a show on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) called In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman. The show is about SEX and is hosted by a real, live sex researcher and therapist who makes house calls to help couples faced with intimacy issues.

On January 3, 2011 an episode aired on OWN called Sex and the Laundry Basket. (Yes, that is really the name of the episode and you can click on the link if you want to see the actual video clip lest you think I’m making this shit up. Just watch the first minute and you should be good otherwise keep reading for my word pervy recap.)

Apparently a suburban couple named Steve and Becky are having a little trouble in the bedroom department. It seems that Becky likes to enjoy sexy time with her purple plastic laundry basket and the PPLB is the only thing that can curl her toes and give her a BIG O.

Her poor hubby Steve, otherwise known as Mr. Mom has no choice but to go along with Becky’s naughty little antics. Word has it that Mr. Mom has a really big ding dong which brings discomfort to Becky whenever they are trying to play a round of hide the salami.

Add to the salacious scenario the fact that Mr. Mom likes to head down south and engage in a bit of fur munching. Becky however is not down with the oral stuff and says that it tickles too much for her to enjoy. Poor sexually deprived Becky therefore has to resort to rubbing one out on the underside of her beloved laundry basket because this is the ONLY thing that gets her off.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I can’t decide which is worse, Oprah for allegedly proclaiming that she handpicks each of the shows on her new network and this is the best that she could muster up OR crazy Becky for complaining about having a husband with a big cockadoodledoo that loves to eat cookies OR Steve for agreeing to have his sexual abilities questioned on national television. …I’m just saying…

Gee, how could you pass up an offer like this?

Over the recent holidays one of my relatives came across a sign audaciously posted by some total wackadoodle advertising for what is essentially free labor:



So, if you are into chauffeuring around some ungrateful f*cktard, battling parking lot madness, and waiting in the car for extended periods of time in exchange for the amazing opportunity to read crusty old magazines and catalogs, this would have been the gig for you. Maybe next year …if you’re really effing lucky…


On another note, I want to send a great big thank you to some wonderfully generous bloggers who have be so kind over the past few weeks as to bestow me with a few much appreciated blog awards. And while I don’t ever play by the rules and answer all those personal questions that generally accompany the awards, I do feel honored and make every effort to proudly place the awards over in the Royal Award Whore trophy case on the right-hand side of my blog.

Special thanks to Chief aka Dad at Unsound Reasonings, Becca at My Life, J.Day at The Ramblings of Charlie Brown , and Jeff at Content Unrelated who all showered me with the “Life is Good” award. Also, a hearty thank you to Becca who also bestowed me with the “Stylish Blogger Award”.

And thank you also to those of you who continue to pimp out my snarky ass on a regular basis!

xo The Empress

Mining for gold – Volume 2

Despite the fact that many places on the face of planet earth are heavily populated and someone out there is always watching, it is rather astounding in this day and age to continuously witness gross and disgusting acts of human behavior.

Case in point, yesterday I had the misfortune to observe a neighbor person walking through an extremely public area with his thumb up his nose going to town like he was digging his way to China.

The guy must have rooted around inside his nasal cavity for a good 30 seconds or so before finally retrieving whatever the hell was stuck up in there.

Booger Boy then gave his nose nugget a careful inspection before finally deciding to ceremoniously roll it into a nice little ball and flick it oh so courteously onto the walkway ...… only for some unsuspecting and unfortunate person to later step on.

Effing Neanderthal! But at least he didn’t eat it like some of these nasty people that I just so happened to dig up from the video vault:




Have a happy and booger-free week my lovelies!
xo The Empress