Thursday, February 3, 2011

Fashion DON’Ts for Dudes

While I personally know some men with a fantabulous sense of fashion, it is probably fair to say that there are plenty of guys out there that really have positively no clue when it comes to dressing themselves in even the slightest semi-appealing manner. In an effort to help out those poor fashion-challenged blokes, The Ranter’s Box Fashionista is offering up some fairly universal fashion don’ts – as in DO NOT EVER BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WEARING the following:

Socks with Sandals

Wearing sandals accompanied by socks is a completely moronic fashion faux pas. Besides looking ridiculous, socks defeat the whole purpose of allowing ones feet to stay cool. If a man’s feet are so fugly or poorly groomed that he needs to hide them with socks, then he should simply opt for normal, closed-toe shoes… or otherwise risk coming across as a stupid effing dork!

Skinny Jeans

Unless a guy is in his teens, early twenty’s or is an actual real-life rock star, then it is a given that most men cannot effectively pull off this effeminate, incredibly trendy look. Skinny jeans are unflattering on almost everyone and far, far from manly. Chicks like manly. Enough said.

Cropped Shirts

Cropped shirts of any kind are a major fashion disaster. Unless a guy is working as a male stripper then it is best to steer completely clear of this type of tacky attire. Most men do not have the appropriate physique to wear this sort of look. And even if a dude does have a banging bod and is gung ho on showing off his six-pack in a sexy little cropped top, then he is still at risk of looking like one of the Village People or a slimey guido from the Jersey Shore. So just don’t go there!

Holiday Sweaters

Holiday sweaters NEVER WERE and will NEVER BE fashionable for a man. Only a frumpy nana who is stuck in the 80’s would dare attempt this huge fashion no-no. So, unless one is aiming to become an absolute laughing stock amongst their mates and ridiculed for life, the only acceptable place for a holiday sweater is inside a wood chipper or at the bottom of a fire pit. Comprende?


Wearing thongs, banana hammocks, sausage slings, budgie smugglers or anything even remotely resembling a speedo in public is just plain wrong on so many levels. Speedos are unflattering on almost all men and no one wants to be forced to see the ‘junk in some dude’s trunks’. Unless a guy is a professional competitive swimmer, then it is best to save this look for private viewing ONLY lest risk coming across as a gross, narcissistic douchey exhibitionist!


Thank you and please don’t let me catch any of you fellas violating these all-important fashion rules or I will be forced to issue you a citation …or possibly even a spanking!


  1. bahahahahahahahahahahah! That first one nearly made me choke on my water!!!

  2. That one jerk's hot pink junk is hurting my eyes and killing my sexdrive! And where's the guys balls as the very top? what the hell! lol

  3. Damn that is what I have been doing wrong all these years. Sorry for the eye candy.

  4. I love how the first guy has the sense to cover up his BELLY button, but shows off all the crevasses of his hip joints. And he looks somewhat penis-less (or is it just me)?

    BANG ON SUMMARY!! Love the photos.

    I will NEVER understand sandals with socks. Unless it's me running the recycling bin to the curb in winter.

  5. Girl, I don't know what sort of underground Internet hell gallery you perused to find those photos, but WELL DONE! :)

    Skinny jeans on men are AWFUL. Any man, I don't care how fit you are or how old. HIDEOUS. And I agree with all the others as well, obviously. Well done Empress.

  6. Plus the guy in the cropped shirt has a mullet. Geez, you can't make this stuff up, can you?

  7. I'm pretty sure every man that does these things shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. I'm pretty sure they are a sign of mental illness of some sort.

    I can't believe you made me look at those photos we are fighting for at least 10 minutes. Then I'll forget why I was mad in the first place, and accidentally look at them again. FUUU!!

  8. You should add this for the skinny jeans: And for the love of all things Holy, do not SAG your skinny jeans. It makes you walking like a fucking penguin. And only the penguins look cute walking like that.

    Otherwise - spot on! :o)

  9. @Cinderita: I know right? He's just SO Sexy!

    @Falen: Ha! These photos totally make me rethink my love of all things 'ding dong' related!

    @Oilfield Trash: You are so modest. And I know full well that you WILL NOT be wearing of that crazy shizz at your Super Bowl party ; )

    @StephanieC: Kind of ironic that he has the balls to wear that get-up yet still appears somewhat ball-less.

    @The Vegetable Assassin: It was a pretty scary place to have to troll around but I think with a bit of brain bleach and some psychiatric counseling I should be good to go ; )

    @Al Penwasser: Good spotting there. I'm guessing the cropped shirts and mullets are sort of like a given combo. Scary!!

    @Not the Hero: I am still laughing at your comment ...and I must say that I can't really blame you for being mad at me for posting those frightening photos.

    @J.Day: Yes, saggy skinny jeans are the worst! Flat ass and skinny droopy drawers are a major turn-off!!!!!

  10. It's amazing some of this attire even exist. Who invented the banana hamoc!? And skinny jeans really don't look good on any man!

  11. May I add to your list drawstring sweatpants (because nothing screams "i give up on life" like they do) and... white shoes with jeans? Brrr, I hate seeing that!

  12. May I add shorts with dress socks, short sleeved dress shirts (can you say dork?), and shirts unbuttoned to reveal gold chains (70s flashback or Jersey Shore, but either way, not pretty!)

  13. I agree with all but the speedo. If you got it flaunt it. In high school the first rally I went to because of band, I got to see the entire water polo team in their speedos. Not only was it yummy, it was my freaking birthday!

    Yes the majority of men can't pull it off, but they shouldn't hide it haha.

  14. i think i will have nightmares for weeks

  15. oh god...I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Nothing and I mean nothing is worse than a man with skinny jeans! I just don't get it! The socks and sandals is a close second though. I can withstand the sweaters but definately not the banana hammock...spare us please!

  16. Dude the half shirt is great, but to throw in the mullet too....That's Rich.

  17. as i sit here in my BH under my skinny jeans, cutoff like 70's with my white socks and sandals and my xropped shirt i asks youz this...

    am i sexy or what???

    kidding...but you do wish i had not poked out you minds eye with the visuals...

    cuz im just evil like that!

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  18. Thank you for this public service....just to make sure I don't screw up, I printed the pictures and have posted them on the closet door!!!

  19. Each one was worse than the one before it. I do think the cropped shirt pic needed to also have mentioned that mullets are not and have never been sexy for real men! Love this post lady!

  20. I think anything high-waisted should be banned. Oh, and platform shoes, too. And anything with animal or floral print. Okay, I will stop now.

  21. I think the skinny jeans photo made me throw up in my mouth a bit.

  22. Telling hubby that he is not to wear his budgie smugglers in public. So if friends come to use the pool, it is boardies or stay dry. Only a handful of guys lok hot in them and they wi gold at the olympics (and these days where those fancy suits anyway). You forgot one thing tho. Short shorts and running shorts without underwear. Ewww, I dont want to see your dangly bits while you stretch ok

  23. @bangyourhead: No offense to anyone, but I'm guessing it had to be a man that invented these fashion atrocities.

    @Nikki Rules: I don't mind sweatpants so much (depending on the guy wearing them of course) but have to agree about the white shoes with pants.

    @Lolamouse: Gold chains, classic no-no!

    @The Adorkable Ditz: I have many years experience being around swimmers and their speedos. Some CAN pull it off but then again the water in the pool is always freezing and well, you know that fact about shrinkage ; )

    @becca: So sorry to traumatize you with the visuals.

    @Poetry of the Day: In a gross, weird kind of way I suppose it could sort of be : )

    @Jewels: I'm guessing that guys who wear skinny jeans are probably down with wearing the weenie bikinis as well ...yuck!

    @j-tony: It is like they are a "two-fer"

    @Bruce: You are ALWAYS sexy. Now please promise you will post a photo of you wearing that crazy get-up you just described ; )

    @Chief aka Dad: Haha! But I'm not completely buying it. Being the good dad that you are who accompanies his daughters shopping, I'm guessing you have great taste in clothing.

    @Bouncin' Barb: Glad you enjoyed the post, and yes, the photos seemed to get progressively worse with each fashion offense.

    @On My Soapbox: High waisted goes without saying when it comes to fashion don'ts. Platforms on men always make me think of creepy Tom Cruise, yuck!!!

  24. @Thank Q: Sorry for the barf-inducing visuals. I am glad however to hear a man chime in and give the thumbs down on skinny jeans.

    @Mynx: OMG! Short shorts with no undies is so disgusting. And no, we definitely don't want to see anyone's dangly bits swinging in the breeze.

  25. Totally agree with all of this. Although speedo wearing is a national past-time in Australia, and I believe socks with sandals is England's national dress (I think the sandals makes them feel like they have good weather, but it is far too cold for them to have their feet exposed).

  26. Not the kind of images I wanted to see after my nightshift!

  27. ha ha ha that is truly disgusting!!! All of it, very wrong on many levels!!

  28. @LottieSpartacus: So we have a couple countries to blame for some of these fashion mistakes? : )

    @Sam: Apologies to you. Some of the photos were rather unappealing to say the least.

    @lyndylou: Indeed. Completely wrong!

  29. I saw a guy at the grocery store the other day wearing sweat pants but clearly no underwear. His junk was bouncing all around while he kind of jogged to whatever aisle he needed. And I couldn't look away even though he wasn't remotely hot! I'd never seen anything like that before.

  30. I agree with each and every one of these. And who in the Hell told guys they could wear skinny jeans anyways?!? Yuck.

  31. Owwww!!! Those pictures hurt my eyes! Oh, and let's not forget men's skinny capri jeans I have a special hatred for those.

  32. ya know i was eating befoer I saw the first pic? =) "Was!" lol

  33. Out of all of these.... HONESTLY? THe 2nd one is my biggest pet peeve. I fucking HATE sandals with socks. HORRIBLE :)

    Have a great weekend, my sweet.

  34. The socks with sandals look is a huge pet peeve of mine. I'll let old men get away with it, but anyone under 65 had better have enough sense not to wear that around me.

    a bitch called mom

  35. @S: Ewwww is right!

    @Alli: He was probably a gross perv that goes around the grocery store yelling down the aisles and asking women if they 'want a piece of this'!

    @Jumble Mash: Who ever did needs to be removed from society ; )

    @Vinny C: I think I just barfed in my mouth a little. Didn't realize that such a hideous fashion faux pas as skinny capri pants existed.

    @The Phoenix Rising: That photo will put you off food won't it?

    @Annah: Effing horrible for sure. Happy Weekend to you too chickadee!

    @Mrs. Hyde: I'm with you. Seriously, who lets those dimwits out of the house dressed like that? Perhaps they should be issued shock collars and not be allowed past their front doors if in violation of a major fashion rule. Could be fun!!

  36. The most popular fittings amongst men seems to be the Bootcut fit and the classic Straight Leg the.ever popular Skinny Leg has also been a hit for Rock & Republic so you may want to check that fitting out.


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