Dear Public Nuisance Prankster,
I want to extend my most insincere thanks regarding the inconsiderate and asinine prank you pulled the other night. While it is understandable that you most likely have the brain capacity of a half-baked flea, myself and the other apartment building tenants DID NOT appreciate the way in which you went about getting your jollies at our expense.
At 2:00am hundreds of innocent people were peacefully sleeping, passionately shagging, happily watching porn, or otherwise productively engaged when you so rudely and intentionally decided it would be good fun to set off the fire alarm.
This resulted in non-stop shrieking, eardrum piercing alarms and flashing lights to go off. Disoriented and freaked out residents fled from the building in various states of undress, while the more daring tried to get their vehicles out of the underground parking garage in the midst of all the bedlam.
Everyone was forced to stay outside in the dark cold of night until the entire building, floor by floor, could be checked and cleared of any real and legitimate danger. All while you most likely watched and wacked off from afar with a shit-eating grin plastered on your nasty little evil face.
Please know that if we ever have the misfortune to cross paths that I will gladly rip your freaking head off your shoulders and drop kick it into next week. In the meantime, please do us all a favor and go get yourself a mofo life you useless and pathetic cocknozzle. And don’t make me tell you again!
Regards,
The Empress
