Dear Public Nuisance Prankster,
I want to extend my most insincere thanks regarding the inconsiderate and asinine prank you pulled the other night. While it is understandable that you most likely have the brain capacity of a half-baked flea, myself and the other apartment building tenants DID NOT appreciate the way in which you went about getting your jollies at our expense.
At 2:00am hundreds of innocent people were peacefully sleeping, passionately shagging, happily watching porn, or otherwise productively engaged when you so rudely and intentionally decided it would be good fun to set off the fire alarm.
This resulted in non-stop shrieking, eardrum piercing alarms and flashing lights to go off. Disoriented and freaked out residents fled from the building in various states of undress, while the more daring tried to get their vehicles out of the underground parking garage in the midst of all the bedlam.
Everyone was forced to stay outside in the dark cold of night until the entire building, floor by floor, could be checked and cleared of any real and legitimate danger. All while you most likely watched and wacked off from afar with a shit-eating grin plastered on your nasty little evil face.
Please know that if we ever have the misfortune to cross paths that I will gladly rip your freaking head off your shoulders and drop kick it into next week. In the meantime, please do us all a favor and go get yourself a mofo life you useless and pathetic cocknozzle. And don’t make me tell you again!
Regards,
The Empress
Haha love it! The letter. Not the prank. That's just stupid.
ReplyDeleteOh that would so piss me off to record levels not seen by humans.
ReplyDeleteAHAHA good one man
ReplyDeletePoetry for Android
Setting off fire alarms for a 'joke' is just stupid. I share your anger and would probably feel the need to ' rip your freaking head off your shoulders and drop kick it into next week' for the perpetrator. :) http://aliriceopinions.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteI would so be getting a home fingerprint lifting kit & going all CSI on that bastard!
ReplyDeleteSomebody did this in a hotel we stayed at with my granddaughters who were then 4 and 5. It was over with quicker than your ordeal and I was pissed. What makes these people get a kick out of this is beyond me.
ReplyDeleteOh that is just fucked up--what a complete asshole. You're letter, however, is brilliant, particularly about ripping the offender's head off.~
ReplyDelete@Jumble Mash: Glad you enjoyed the rant. The prank was stupid but it was fun writing the letter.
ReplyDelete@Oilfield Trash: If anyone ever finds that little turd, I promise I will give you a crack at kicking his pea brain down the street.
@Poetry of the Day: Why thank you : )
@Alister Rice: Glad that you concur. The complaint letter is part of one of the segements I regularly write for my blog along with Madame Ranter's Box predictions, blogosphere sexologist, armchair psychologist, etc.
@Absolutely Primed: "Going CSI on that bastard". Hilarious!!!
@Bouncin' Barb: Kind of pathetic isn't it?
@Katsidhe: Yes, I can be rather graphic when describing that sort of stuff ; )
I think you need to get him with the Pink Stinger!
ReplyDeleteIn college it was always drunk fucks burning popcorn late on Saturday night that did it. Always when it was cold and/or rainy, too.
ReplyDeleteUm,..cocknozzle. I like that cuz it kinda makes sense! Peace.
ReplyDeletehahaha, i bet he was totally wacking off in the bushes. perv.
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that really sucks...
ReplyDeleteidiots will always be idiots...
I followed your trail of breadcrumbs from AbsolutelyPrimed's pad. Pretty sure I'm hooked already. Because the word cocknozzle makes me a little moist in my secret lady places.
ReplyDeletethe smoke detectors went off in my house for an hour and a half the other night before we could figure out how to stop them and THAT was a nightmare... but if i had to stand outside, because of some poo-for-brains with no life?
ReplyDeleteoh the rage.
I haven't had to deal with that since college....when my then fuck buddy set the building ablaze while having a seizure around candles. I'm sorry was that a total buzz kill? haha. Well it's true...anyway...that sucks dick! I would be kicking some serious ass after intense interogation of all suspects. What assholes.
ReplyDeleteThe fire alarm went off at the shopping centre I was at this morning. Funny bit was, the more people who came out, the more shoppers who went in. Would have thought somebody would have told them, just in case it actually was a fire
ReplyDeleteha ha ha very funny letter. I would have been equally unimpressed if that had happened to me!
ReplyDeleteTotal d-bag, I'd kick him into next week too!
ReplyDeleteblundersfrom6foot2.blogspot.com
androidnews4u.blogspot.com
the prank was stupid but loved your letter
ReplyDeleteI've play many of pranks in my day, but nothing ever like that! I hope that sucka get what he deserves. I would kill anyone that got in the way of my boot knocking or porn watching...that's the time that keeps me from killing ;)
ReplyDelete@On My Soapbox: What a brilliant idea!
ReplyDelete@Bagel Fairy: Oh this was no little smoke alarm, this was a full on building evacuation alarm with screeching alarms going off and lights flashing. Someone has to pull the fire alarm to make something like that happen. Good times...
@Middle Child: Just doing my best to corrupt my lovelies one word at a time ; )
@AmberLaShell: You got that right sister!
@Bruce: Idiot indeed. That is why he/she was bestowed with one of your signature words ; )
@Aimee: Thanks for stopping by and chiming in. New readers are welcome and appreciated. Glad my post 'hit the spot' ; )
@jess: Yes, it was quite the fun way to spend the early hours of the morning.
@Jewels: I think you comment calls for a full on blog post so we can all read more about that story.
@Mynx: Perhaps it is everyone for themselves? Then again, if anyone is daft enough to enter a building that has an alarm going off, well...
@lyndylou: Thanks and glad you concur.
@Blunders From 6 Foot 2: He/She totally gets the Douche Canoe of the Week award.
@becca: Totally stupid prank but it did make for good blog fodder, eh?
@Thundercat832: No doubt many of the residents felt exaclty the same way. Can't mess with a person's rumpty pumpty time ; )
Noticed that you used the insult 'asshat' and the hater on the Barreness' page called her an 'asshat'. Coinkidink?
ReplyDeleteThis was sincere dick-facedness on the part of the prankster... and I agree with your sentiment for the most part.... except that there is no way that I would have left the building...
ReplyDeleteI don't leave a building until the flames are searing my skin to a nice bright red or until the cockpit with the guy screaming "allah!" has pushed my bed into the next apartment.
Fuck that shit. It's warm in bed.
http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com
When you're done with the fire alarm dickhead...will you could dropkick my neighbor that insists on riding his 4 wheeler up and down the road at midnight!
ReplyDelete@LottieSpartacus: I have an entire book of Empress Phraseology that I dish out here on this blog. However, I'm not familiar with the hater you are referring to on the other blog. Check back in the archieves here if you want to know how I deal with haters. Major pet peeve of mine especially the anonymous ones.
ReplyDelete@Charles: My intial thought was to ignore the alarms but they were apocalyptic alarms that are probably used as torture devices. There was no way to stay in the building without going deaf. But with that said, I'm glad you enjoy your bed ...and your snuggle bunny that is cuddled up next to you. Hugs to Jera.
@Chief aka Dad: Please give me that jackwagons address and I will be all over it for you! ; )
I am behind you completely. With a large frying pan in my hand.
ReplyDelete@Madame DeFarge: Glad you were able to stop by. You have been missed. ...The frying pan is a perfect and very befitting touch!
ReplyDeleteMan, talk about dangerous and such a waste. Setting off the alarm causes evacuation of a building and gets the fire department on the scene. The idiots not only wastes the people's time, but the valuable time of our firefighters. They could be on real emergencies but these idiots do stuff like this. Jeez, I hate these assholes.
ReplyDelete@lnxdoor: Hopefully arseholes like that get fined for pulling such pranks.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in Hawaii for the 1st week with my family we were on the 35th floor and my mom and I were on the roof in the pool when the alarm went off. almost 40 flights of stairs down, freaking out about a gated door on the 6th floor stairwell, and chaffing from a wet suit. I was not happy.
ReplyDeleteThe Adorkable Ditz' Missteps