Monday, February 7, 2011

The lazy ass co-worker phenomenon

At some point in time we have all probably had a lazy-ass co-worker (or two) that somehow managed to collect a paycheck while at the same time doing virtually nothing to have earned it. This phenomenon is so prevalent that lazy co-workers often top the lists of pet peeves that employees have about the workplace.

For me, this particular pet peeve developed through countless years working in the corporate jungle with a bunch of utterly useless sloths. And I’m NOT just talking about the brown-noser guy who arrives at work early only to keep up appearances with the top brass but who then spends the first three hours of work drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, surfing porn on the internet and wandering around the office as if he were doing something productive.

What I’m more specifically referring to are lame, non-contributory, conniving slackers like one of the annoying paycheck collectors that I had the great displeasure of working with earlier in my career. Let’s call this incompetent nasty little blood sausage Gertrude. Some of my fonder and ever so endearing memories (NOT!) of skiving Gertrude include her:

• Spending half a day calling all the cosmetic counters in the surrounding metropolitan area to locate a special kind of sparkly, light diffusing face powder. Poor Gertrude was unable to get the top off her shimmery face spackle and she absolutely, positively without a doubt needed it for some supposed hot date she was having later that night -- therefore any and all work related tasks were forced to come to a screeching halt until said magical cosmetic was located.

• Skipping out of the office one hour after she returned from lunch so that she could spend the next three hours getting her precious hair highlighted. She told her colleagues to call her if they needed help with anything work related ...meaning HER work.

• Hiding stacks of client work orders (that generated revenue) in the bottom of her desk drawer. She justified this by saying she didn’t have time to keep up with menial and unimportant things like filing.

• Leaving work on her so-called ‘lunch hour’ for 5 hours so that she could go to the cosmetic surgeon and have a chemical facial peel. Upon returning to work 45 minutes before the office closed, she spent the remainder of her ‘work day’ eliciting sympathy from her co-workers regarding all the trauma she was forced to endure at the doctor.

• Packing up her desk no less than 15 minutes before the office closed every fricking day so that she could get a head start on rush hour traffic …and f*ck everyone else that might have had to deal with the same!

• Earning herself a month and a half of paid medical leave – and sympathy from all after she left a candle unattended at home and allegedly set her good-for-nothing ass on fire. The timing of this particular incident turned out to be rather interesting considering the fact that some of her previous indiscretions had come to the attention of her superior but after the arse burning incident were somehow quickly forgotten.

By the time I had finally had enough of that complete and utter bullshit, I left not only the company but the country itself. That useless cow Gertrude was still somehow managing to get paid for using the workday to conduct all of her fricking personal business. However, if there is any justice in this world, hopefully Gertrude finally got what she had coming to her and is now earning a living by cleaning toilets at a seedy local truck stop …I’m just saying…


PS: The past week or so something dodgy seems to be going on with Blogger, hence this repost. I’ve been receiving the usual number of comments from all of my lovelies but the number of page views has been way down. Either this blog is slowing dying or the stats counter is all effed up. Has anyone else experienced this?


  1. i hate the corporate jungle. i will hopefully never have to go back...

    and those blood sausages (f*king totally hi.lar.i.ous!) like going-to-donothin'-gertie suck biggreenhairyjizzcovereddonkeynards!

    as far as pageviews i just thought that everyone was sick of my shtick so my page views were down, cuz my comments have remained between 10 and 20 per post, but my views down about 30%...

    but guzzledbrother hates me anyway!

    loved this renewed post!

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  2. Oh I so know this type of person. I have several of those people in my office. And they piss me off as well.

    And my stat tracker has been working without any problems.

  3. great post and no but then again i didn't know anything about page counter

  4. @Bruce: Haha! Jizzcovereddonkeynards. Hilarious! ...And I knew there was some sort of guzzled brother conspiracy going on. How dare they diss us like that!!!

    @Oilfield Trash: I just knew it had to be a world wide phenomenon. Lazy mo-fo's : )

    @becca: Thanks. If you click on the stats thing on your homepage it tells you how many hits you have had on your blog that day, etc. Mine suddenly have gone from hundreds down to 70. Maybe my potty mouth is driving people away?

  5. It's amazing people like her manage to hang on to a job for as long as they do. In my last job, my own personal Gertrude tried to deflect her poor performance by pointing out that I was never at my desk. She neglected to mention that I was in the process of training her and two other newbies during those times... And still making my quota. She was one of my reasons for leaving.

  6. Oh, I seriously hate these co-workers. The other kind I hate is the crazy ass person who pulls every crazy antic she can out of her ass to create drama. Crazy stuff that in a normal job would their sorry ass FIRED. But for some reason, barely gets a slap on the wrist and leaves the rest of us seething. The only thing keeping me from killing said co-worker is the fact that I would not last one hour in jail.

    I don't know if my page views have been off, as mine are a bit helter-skelter anyway. In the past I have had issues with my "follower" count changing not only on a daily business but each time I visit my blog. It could just be a lull, I guess. Either that, or it is Blogger's fault.

    I know. I am of no help.

  7. My page counter is way off too. I'll get comments without page views.

    I share a floor with another company at work and in the other company there is a guy who everyone I work with has caught sleeping at his desk. Not just dozing off, no, a full on nap with his computer off and everything. Not even trying to hide it. I'm surprised he hasn't brought a pillow in.

  8. Ranter. Ever notice how everybody in the corporate world thinks everybody else is a slacker? Haven't noticed any difference in my stats tracker. I can't get people to follow or leave comments so how the hell would I know.

  9. Wow. I have worked with a couple Gertrudes in my day (...if I can even say that, being 27, ha). But yeah, I've seen everything from coworkers watching full-length movies to creating lengthy dating profiles to someone actually writing an entire erotic romance novel. :S And I'm in the next cubicle working my butt off, probably doing some of their work as well. Those were the days...sometimes I am not TOO disappointed at being unemployed right now. Lol.

    Great topic and great blog! :)

  10. Ignore the Stat counter mama! I have at least 10 of them on my page and they all give me different readings! Your blog is the shit and won't be dying anytime soon!

  11. Not sure about the page counts but I havent been really checking mine. Comments tend to be my buzz.

    Gertrude is so related to "the Viking". His best was spending whole afternoon looking for a place to have dinner that served steak with a gluten free Bernaise sauce. A whole freakin friday afternoon ringing place after place.

  12. @Vinny C: That's a shame that you not only trained her but that you were being productive and yet she managed to drive you out of the place. What a shit weasel!

    @J.Day: Drama queens in the office are annoying for sure but the worst of the bread has to be the dramatic lazy skiving co-workers.

    @Not the Hero: Sleeping at work? Interesting and surprising that he hasn't gotten fired. Maybe someone should videotape him, put it up on youtube and then share with his boss ; )

    @j-tony: That's because there are LOTS of lazy slackers in the corporate world. ...Hang in there, it takes time to get your readership and comments up. Just keep writing and they will come. Hugs, The Empress

    @Jennifer Fabulous: Thanks for chiming in. OMG, I can't believe someone would have the balls to actually write a pervy novel while at work. Does kind of make me wonder why people like that have jobs while the worker bees don't.

    @Poetry of the Day: At least you admit it so you are somewhat forgiven : )

    @Falen/Thundercat: Thanks for the blog love. I'm actually referring to actual blogger charts that are a part of our blog account. They show the number of page views, traffic sources, etc. Usually they seem fairly accurate but something is effed the hell up lately ...which is not good for a snarky blogger's ego ; ) But as long as your keep coming back I'll be a happy camper.

    @Mynx: Maybe we should fix the Viking up with skiving Gertrude. They sound like a match made in paycheck collecting heaven.

  13. I just want to know, "Who is Gertrude DOIN"?

  14. OMG I thought that my coworkers were pains in my ass because they sit around and talk all day. =O At least they are in the building to pick up the phone (sometimes) when it rings though.

  15. Great post. My blogger is off whack too. I have more comments than pageviews. Go figure!

  16. @middle child: That is a VERY good question. I was never able to figure that one out!

    @Katsidhe: Welcome and thanks for the blog love!! It is a wee bit easier to forgive their lazy arses if at least one of them helps answer the phone.

    Bouncin' Barb: Thanks! ...Yes, very weird how some of us are experiencing the whole more comments posted than actual page views that are being counted by blogger. But then again Blogger is ran by effwits who deprive some of us bloggers from getting BON'ed ; )

  17. So why didn't management know about this lazy ass b****?

    And are you sure she didn't work at Boeing? ;-)

  18. Gertrude, hmmm...could be the cousin of a co-worker I once had the misfortune of working along side. But not for long...

    Early on I decided to work for myself. That way I would love my co-workers and my boss! (that would be Me, Myself and I)
    The three of us are efficient, get the job done with time to spare and we all like to travel!

    Great post!

  19. Great post!

    There's a medic on my station who is actually scared of is patients! You end up having to do everything for him. I would understand if he was a probationer but he's been in the job longer that me and, this is my favourite part, he gets paid more than me!

    Sorry, I'm rambling!

  20. @On My Soapbox: Management was in another city and they did sort of know but explained her lazy behavior as 'not everyone is an A player'...

    @Lola: Thanks and you are one smart cookie for getting the hell out of the whole work for others situation.

    @Sam: Merci! I would be fricking pissed if someone got paid more than me yet because they were afraid of their patients I ended up having to do their work. That is an OUTRAGE!!

  21. I haven't experienced a loss of pageviews. They're still kinda low (except from Eastern Europe. Keep 'em coming, you former Warsaw Pacters!!). Of course, that could be because my blog sucks, unlike yours (NOTE: Unabashed sucking up). I like reading it (NOTE: Second unabashed sucking up, in case the 1st one was too subtle).
    You'll have to excuse me now...I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you can surf for porn on the internet. I love this country.

  22. Here at my lovely office, the rule is that no one individually can receive a raise. The entire office has to receive one, so sometimes the budget just can't come up with enough money for everyone so we don't get one at all. So John Smith who sleeps in his office and takes long lunch breaks and calls off all the time, gets the same raise that the people that actually work get. That's some incentive, huh?

  23. We've got one at the Company. I call her Violet. Not only a skiver, but dumb as the head of my...well, she's dumb. And constantly late, and constantly leaves early. I really should do a rant on her one of these days.

  24. There is something utterly wrong with the system if someone is allowed to keep their job after behaving like that. I keep hearing about it, too!

    Only had problems today, but with opening pretty much every tab and having it look like tetris... Update seems to do the trick.

  25. Hey, I normally don't do this cheesy shit...but...I made an award and I'm forcing it upon this blog. Hit up my page when ya'll aren't doing important shit and get it before my dog chews it up!

  26. Crap! You're giving away all of my secrets...except of course the cosmetic counter. BTW...If you're interested I'd love to invite you to join my blog community at

  27. @Al Penwasser: Thanks for the kind words. And yes, you can surf porn in this country. Some people find that pasttime rather enjoyable ; )

    @Jumble Mash: John Smith sounds like he deserves a nice cup of coffee with a bit of doodie on top. Which reminds me, I need to dig that video out of the vault...

    @Danger Boy: Violet the Knob Head, very funny!!

    @bangyourhead: Unfortunately it is a rather common occurance these days and an annoying one at that.

    @Falen/Thundercat: You totally made my day moma. Cheesy or not, I am a blog whore and therefore totally get off whenever someone sends a trophy my way. Thank you so much!!!

    @Copyboy: Ha! I'm guessing sparkley face spackle isn't such a good look on you. Thanks for the invite to join your blog community. I'll check it out for sure.

  28. I remember this post! Still wanna slap her and tell her to do work or GTFO. I mean gosh, at least do some work every now and again!

  29. Try working in the nursing field.....I think coworkers are related to Gertrude.....lazy ass coworkers piss me off!!


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