Air travel etiquette for jackarses

For the most part my recent holiday travels were thankfully uneventful. However, being that the stupid effing amateurs come out in droves this time of year and frustratingly annoy their fellow travelers, I thought I would compile a handy list of air travel tips for jackasses:

1. If you have never before traveled by airplane or are just a fricking idiot who can’t remember basic security protocol, then please for the love of gawd go to the TSA website and familiarize yourself with the security screening process BEFORE you get to the airport. No one wants to be log-jammed at the security checkpoint because you don’t know what you can and can’t bring on the plane or what you can and can’t wear through the metal detector. Read up and get with the program you daft f*ckwit(s)!

2. When traveling with a child do not allow your little demon seed to repeatedly hurl metal lunch boxes 15 feet across the airport terminal and past the heads of your fellow travelers. Either put a leash on your little brat or keep him at home until such time as he is capable of traveling in a far more civilized manner.

3. If your husband is randy old tomcat who is in the habit of checking out other woman while waiting to board the airplane and you are an insecure old cow, please refrain from trying to make out with said husband on the plane’s sky bridge. Doing so is gross and desperate. There are children around for gawd’s sake. And no one is the least bit interested in your crusty old man with the meandering eyes so get over it and let the rest of us board the effing plane!

4. When boarding the airplane, please find your seat, quickly stow your luggage in the overhead bin and then get the f*ck out of the way of the other passengers who are trying to board. If you are less than cognizant of the fact that those 200 passengers behind you can’t get on the mofo plane because you are blocking the aisle, then perhaps you should take a bus or just stay the heck at home.

5. If you are inconsiderate enough to travel with a young child that you cannot control and said child proceeds to scream for the entire duration of a three hour flight, then please know that you will majorly piss off your fellow passengers. Either give your child a pacifier, a nice bottle (of whiskey), or shove a big juicy tit in its mouth. Just make it shut the f*ck up! Or refer to #4 and just stay the hell at home.

6. While flying if you talk loudly, fart repeatedly, recline your seat into the lap of the person behind you, ram into other passengers while walking up and down the aisle, invade the space of the person(s) seated next to you, or otherwise annoy other passengers then you are a rude and inconsiderate arsehole who has no business flying and you need to stay the EFFING HELL AT HOME!

Now do I make myself clear? Good. Now don’t make me tell you again you friggin’ jackwagon!

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Happy Holidays my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Fame Whoring – Paris Hilton edition

Just when you think that ditzy, oh-so-innocent celebutard otherwise known as Paris Hilton has FINALLY gone away and crawled back under the rock from which she came, she remerges to plaster her fame-whoring ass all over yet another asinine business venture. And no boys and girls, it’s not an all natural, non-pharmaceutical version of columbian tang that she is hawking.

This time P. Hilty has decided (being the incredibly knowledgeable motorcycle expert that she is) that she would go out and get her very own little team on the world motorcycle championship circuit. …Because she needed a seemingly legitimate excuse to parade around in skin tight motorcycle costumes without obviously appearing like the super skanky Barbie wanna-be that she is.

From 2011-2013 the SuperMartXe VIP by Paris Hilton team will embarrassingly compete in the 125cc racing category all kitted out in hot pink and blue motorcycles emblazoned with her name. …No word yet whether or not the team’s racing uniforms will be rhinestone bedazzled with fluffy hot pink feathered trim.

Paris was so freaking excited about the whole ridonkulous deal that she tweeted “I can’t believe I have my own racing team! So cool! :)” And she even committed to attending at least five actual races during the next season.

Wow! Five whole races. How in the world will she ever manage to fit them in between all the crazy partying, paparazzi bribing, shopping, champagne swilling and raunchy table dancing?

Someone please make her go the effing hell away …once and for all …I’m just saying…

Fun with words – Naughty Bits edition

Recently while I was waiting at an appointment I had the rare opportunity to peruse the chick magazines, you know the ones with all the silly fashion, sex and relationship advice. One particular magazine had an article featuring the pet names that couples call each other’s naughty bits. And being the word perv that I am, you know I was all over that article like butter on bread.

(WARNING: For those of you with lily white virginal eyeballs and G-rated sensibilities, PLEASE STOP READING NOW. This post contains LOTS and LOTS of FUN NAUGHTY WORDS!!!)

The pets names listed ranged from flattering (king kong ) to amusing (dongola). However, I was much surprised to read that one guy actually admitted to regularly referring to his partner’s lady bits as a ham wallet …and that he was still alive and breathing with his wiener and both balls intact.

There were a few other names listed for the male and female nether regions but not nearly enough to satisfy my somewhat demented dirty little mind. So, I went in search of additional penis and vadge nicknames, all pervy of course, and here is what I found:

FEMALE-
Fur burger, meat curtain, butcher slit, fish taco, squish mitten, cooter, oyster ditch, pork steeple, meat locker, clunge, spam purse, cod pouch, finger hut, tampon socket, hatchet wound, cum dumpster, and honey pot.

MALE
Wang, schlong, willy, prick, johnson, shaft, pecker, boner, dong, knob, woody, chubby, pork sword, stiffy, tool, phallus, sausage, pocket rocket, trouser snake, one-eyed wonder worm, tube steak, pee-pee, mutton dagger, purple-headed yogurt slinger, meat whistle, and tallywacker.

And now that I have corrupted all of your saintly minds, please go forth and have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress


PS: I also want to say thank you so much for all of your recent support regarding Miss Poopy as well as for hanging in there while my attention has been diverted away on a major work project. And to all of the lovely new readers, WELCOME!

Somebody tried to poop on my parade

Recently I was incredibly stoked to be named Blog of the Week over at I am Fickle Cattle. Fickle bestowed this awesome honor on both me and my totally cool bloggy friend Simple Dude. And this special honor became that much sweeter when several of you were kind enough to leave congratulatory comments and recommendations to other readers.

Unfortunately the fun little high that particular recognition brought on ended up being rather short-lived. All because some rude person decided it might be fun to poop on my parade.

Basically someone now referred to as “Miss Poopy” felt that instead of saying nothing at all, that the kind thing to do was to say that she wouldn’t follow The Ranter’s Box because it contains too much information and it gives her a headache.

Now call me overly sensitive or just a plain old big baby, but I kind of understand what Taylor Swift must have felt like when Kanye West dissed the music award she received. Seriously, who does that shit?

And while I admit that not everyone is going to enjoy my blog or want to become a follower, was it really necessary for Miss Poopy to hurt my feelings by publically saying that my blog sucks and induces headaches?

Then add the fact that Miss Poopy also basically insulted Fickle Cattle for him having chosen me as one of his Blogs of the Week. I mean here is a guy who reads tons of blogs, has over 700 followers and is generous enough to help pimp out some of his fellow bloggers, and yet there is some inconsiderate jackwagon rudely disparaging his recommendations.

Was all that really necessary? Or is Miss Poopy really just a nasty, stupid, smelly effing cow who is jealous for not having received similar recognition?


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PS: Please know that I have missed you, all of your wonderful comments as well as the opportunity to read your lovely blogs while I have been away slogging it out at my paying career.
xo The Empress

Let’s pretend it’s November 31st and celebrate!

A few days back, on what would have been November 31st if there were indeed such a day, The Ranter’s Box happily crossed the six month mark in the blogosphere. And while the past week or so has been a bit of a blur, I couldn’t be more pleased to have achieved this milestone.

I consider myself incredibly blessed to have become acquainted with all of you and in many ways you are like this wonderful new family that is now a part of my life. It brings me great joy whenever I sign onto Blogger and discover new readers or see all of the many comments you regularly leave regarding my posts. And when it comes to recognition, you my lovelies, are beyond generous. Thank you for each and every one of the kind, funny and awesome awards you have bestowed upon my snarky arse.

Please know that while I adore blogging and hope that someday I am fortunate enough to find a way to make blogging a lucrative career, there are times where I will be missing in action for several days or so. This is only because my paying career sometimes requires every ounce of my time and energy -- and not because I have forgotten about you. So, I hope you will understand and continue to hang in there even when my posts occasionally become sporadic.

In the meantime, thank you for all of your bloggy love and may you enjoy an amazing and wonderful week!
xo The Empress

Silly things you thought you couldn’t live without

Bad news boys and girls, the majorly ridiculous and ill-conceived Kardashian Kard is to be no more. With many thanks to the consumer product gods as well as Connecticut’s Attorney General, the launch of this fame whoring, money grubbing celebrity pre-paid debit card came to a magnificent screeching halt.

Recently an investigation was opened to determine if the potentially dubious Kardashian Kard violated any consumer protection laws. In question were all of the excessive and incredibly sneaky hidden fees associated with the pre-paid debit card including:

• US$99.95 to use the card for 12 months;
• US$9.95 to activate the card;
• US$7.95 in monthly service fees;
• US$1.00 to add money to the card; and
• US$1.50 to speak with a live operator.

Once word hit the streets that the card could ultimately gouge the pocketbooks of naive and unsuspecting users, the Kardashian’s lawyers and crafty little spinmeisters went into full-on damage control in an attempt to salvage any damage to the sister’s reputation.

On Monday the Kardashian family attorney sent a notice of termination to the banks and licensing companies responsible for the card.

He also wrote in a letter that “the Kardashians have worked extremely long and hard to create a positive public persona that appeals to everyone, particularly young adults. They have been successful in doing so because they are recognized as honest, ethical, and fun-loving individuals who are kind and caring to others."

What the lawyer failed to mention was that as “fun-loving” as the Kardashian sisters may be, the whole pre-paid debit card debacle was most likely intended to be a money making venture -- or why in the heck else would they bother?

Then add to the whole sordid picture the fact that the University National Bank said in a statement (on Monday) that only 250 consumers had purchased the card. Yes, that is correct. Only 250 starry-eyed adoring fans wanted to unknowingly take it up the arse in fees, all for the privilege of carrying around a pre-paid debit card emblazoned with the faces of the Kardashian sisters.

Now maybe it’s just me, but I’m guessing that sex tapes are a far, far more lucrative venture…

Verizon Wireless – The Unreliable Network

The Ranter’s Box public service announcement of the week:

Verizon SUCKS BIG, SWEATY, SMELLY HAIRY DONKEY BALLS!

(Special Note: Apparently Verizon thinks that a paying customer’s ability to receive incoming phone calls is an optional service feature rather than the norm. And taking the time to properly investigate and resolve long-standing technical issues is just too fricking hard for them to be bothered. Buyer beware and steer clear of these money grubbing technotards!)

Shopping Curmudgeon

Dear Large Department Store Owner,

It has become increasingly difficult to even remotely enjoy my shopping experience in your store. To be frank, I do not appreciate being annoyingly harassed and unnecessarily accosted by no less than seven moronic sales clerks within the first ten minutes of entering your store.

Had one or even two of your store personnel bothered to say a kindly hello or welcomed me to the store yesterday then that would have been fine. However, to have instead found myself continuously being followed around by a pack of stupid jackass sales clerks who kept repeatedly asking me if they could “help me with anything” was beyond f*cking annoying.

When I calmly told the first sales clerk that I would like the opportunity to look around for a while and should I need anything then I would come find one of them at the cash register, I meant what I effing said. Therefore, I DID NOT appreciate having to repeat this same sentiment to the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh jack wagon that got all up in my mother frickin grill.

Please note that I am fully aware that your sales clerks ARE NOT paid by commission. Therefore it is absolutely unnecessary for your store personnel to hover over, invade the personal space of, or rudely sneak up behind your customers. And unless it is your goal to alienate your customers and ultimately lose sales, then perhaps you might want to invest in some training that will better enable your utterly daft store personnel to more accurately read the needs of your shoppers.

In the meantime, here are some handy customer service tips for your clueless sales clerks:

• Unless a customer rolls up in a hay truck all bewildered like some back-woods hick that has never set foot inside a department store, then a simple “Hi, welcome to the store. Please let me know if I can be of assistance” will suffice. Then leave the shopper alone to f*cking shop in peace and quiet -- free from any and all annoying interruptions by pesky, hovering sales clerks.

• Unless a customer comes up and announces that they are terribly lonely and specifically asks you to pretend to be their shopping buddy so that they will have someone to talk to while they are in the store, then anything more than a simple friendly smile from you is just plain overkill -- and nerve wracking.

• Unless a customer is seen shoving a turkey down the front of their pants OR emptying the entire contents of a clothing rack into their personal shopping bags without any intention of paying, then it is absolutely unnecessary to sneak up behind a customer, invade their personal space and lamely ask the customer if you can “help them with anything”. No one likes to feel as if they are constantly being monitored like some sort of shady-ass criminal.

• Unless a customer is seen holding their crotch and frantically looking around for a restroom all while trying not to piss their pants, then a customer probably doesn’t need your help with anything -- any more than they did when you asked them the SAME EXACT question five minutes prior.

• Unless a customer is found rocking back and forth on the floor, crying and muttering that they don’t know what to buy, then chances are the customer is completely capable of shopping on their own without a pack of sales clerks chaperoning their every freaking move throughout the store.

• If you are bored, please use your time to straighten/restock merchandise or empty clothing carelessly left in the dressing rooms by inconsiderate shoppers. DO NOT amuse yourself by following around, harassing and pissing off customers.

• Please make yourself readily available at the cash register to ring up the purchases of your customers. THIS IS HOW THE STORE ACTUALLY MAKES MONEY!

Now please get your shit together lest I take my dosh and spend it elsewhere!

Regards,
The Empress

Abducted by aliens

Have you ever had one of those totally bizarre experiences that completely denied any and all sort of logic or reason? Well, I certainly have. One week ago something happened that made me wonder if perhaps I was being punk’d by Ashton Kutcher or if maybe I had indeed truly lost my marbles once and for all.

Last Sunday evening after leaving my underground parking garage I switched on the stereo in my car to discover nothing but the garbled sounds of static on every single radio station that I tuned into. How odd I thought. Once I arrived at my destination I exited my vehicle and shockingly discovered that the radio antenna was missing. Gone. Vanished. No longer in existence.

All I could frustratingly think was “WTF?” and “who in the hell effing steals a radio antenna?” not to mention “oh, great now I have to deal with finding time to replace the damn thing”. Blah, blah, blah…

Then I commenced with a bit of reasoning and considered that perhaps the antenna had simply fallen off. Not likely though because I knew for a fact that the antenna was there the previous day when I was out tooling around town with the top down and the stereo reasonably cranked up until such point that I parked my car back safe and snuggly into its parking space.

Next I quickly ruled out the possibility of some disgruntled neighbor pulling a prank, mainly because I don’t know anyone and rarely if ever come into any sort of contact with other tenants.

I also ruled out some pissed-off fame whoring celebutard getting even with me for some snarky but true blog post I had written about them, mainly because The Ranter’s Box is anonymous and also because that whole theory is just plain ludicrous.

Anyhoo, things took a further turn for the really freaking weird when exactly three days later I discovered much to my surprise an antenna on the back of my car. Only this time, it was a completely different antenna but an antenna all the same. Talk about feeling like you are in the midst of some wacky episode of The Twilight Zone!

I quickly rang one of my friends who had witnessed and confirmed that my car antenna was actually missing off the back of my vehicle and not a figment of my crazy-ass imagination. When I informed her there was now an antenna on my car and that I had not put there, she was about as equally gob smacked as I was. Both of us are still shaking our heads in disbelief.

About the only plausible explanation I can now come up with is that some little green men flew their alien spacecraft into my parking garage this past Sunday night, saw my cute little car and figured that its antenna would make a great make-shift probe to stick up the arse of some poor alien abductee. And while those aliens were kind enough to return an antenna to my car three days later, now all I can think about is the nasty butt juice that must be all over it!

Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Blow and make a wish!

Dear Birthday Fairy,

This past year I have been very good and hope you will take this into consideration when you are granting my birthday wishes. I’ve really been working on directing my snarky barbs only towards extremely stupid human behavior and well-deserving fame whore celebutards.

I have also managed to reduce the number of times I royally cuss out jackass customer service agents to only about once a month which is a major improvement over this time last year. And while I could always work on improving the amount of times I hurl abusive curse words at f*ckwit bad drivers, perhaps we could make that a goal for next year.

Anyhow, I would like to respectfully request the following wishes for my birthday:

• One ginormous and incredibly decadent chocolate birthday cake;
• An endless round of yummy celebratory birthday cocktails;
• A weekend supply of vicodin to help knock my effing insomnia into next week;
• One gorgeous and ridiculously expensive new designer handbag;
• A fun, wild and crazy night out on the town that doesn’t involve being arrested;
• A much needed two-week tropical vacation to a beautiful high-end luxury resort;
• One hot and sexy man slave to use at my naughty discretion;
• And to finally get B.O.N’ed by the Blogger powers that be!

Thank you in advance for your consideration and for all of these lovely wishes that you are able to make come true for me.

Yours respectfully,
The Empress

DWTS - What a load of rubbish!

In the grand scheme of things, a reality dancing competition rates fairly low against far more important worldly matters like war and natural disaster. But even so, there is clearly something rather shady going on during this season of Dancing with the Stars (DWTS).

Each week that dull as dirty dishwater Bristol Palin garners low dancing scores and repeatedly lands in the bottom two against the other competitors, yet somehow she magically knocks far more talented and popular participants from the competition.

Granted Bristol isn’t as cringe-worthy when it comes to dancing as that previous gawd-awful nightmare contestant Kate Gosselin, but still Bristol could only be considered a mediocre competitor at best. Her top technical dance performance thus far would only rate about as good as the majority of the other participants’ performances on their very first night of the competition.

When it comes to performing and connecting with the audience, Bristol has been about as interesting as watching paint dry. She expresses no passion and zero emotion both out there on the dance floor and in all those disgustingly contrived video clips of her ‘real’ life. There are even some comedians who regularly take the piss at Bristol’s joke of a stint on DWTS so I know I’m not the only one with this opinion.

And then there is Bristol’s asshat of a mother, Sarah Palin, out there in the audience or in video clips acting like the illiterate hick of a jackwagon that she is. Quite honestly, her unwanted presence totally makes me want to vomit and throw things at the television screen. Someone please make that horrible woman go away!

All in all it seems that this season of DWTS is proving to be about as fair and honest as a crooked election campaign. Reality television production and politics have clearly become bedfellows and frankly I’ve had enough of the nonsense. I’ll be voting with my remote and no longer tuning in to watch Dancing with the Stars … so take that Sarah Palin and you f*ckwit producers!

UPDATE: A man was reported to have actually shot his tv set in anger when he heard the ridiculous news that Bristol had moved on yet again in the competition.

And, did you know that Chelsea Handler refers to Sarah Palin as the Snookie of Politics?

Celebrity Reconstruction – Kim Kardashian edition

As I’ve mentioned before, I have nothing against Kim Kardashian nor do I know her on a personal level. For all I know she is a kind and lovely person with an enchanting personality. Then again she might be a wacky, controlling reprehensible troll. Who in the heck knows?

Either way, most people would probably agree that Kim K. rates anywhere on the ‘scale of attractiveness’ from pretty to extremely beautiful. With that being said, I can’t help but wonder what in the freaking hell is going on with her face lately. Now is it just me or is her face starting to look more plastic than a piece of Tupperware?

Girlfriend repeatedly goes on and on about how she has never ever had any kind of plastic surgery in her life and that she is 100% au naturel. Yet the following photos seem to indicate otherwise:







In Kimmy’s defense, there has to be a lot of pressure to look beautiful and maintain one’s appearance in that crazy-ass town otherwise known as the Hollyhood. It’s either stay on top in the beauty department or end up sadly forgotten like yesterday’s old worn-out trash. So, who can really blame a girl for a bit of tweaking here or there?

And honestly, whose business is it anyway if she did have her nose done, or her lips plumped, or her ass inflated, or her boobs enlarged, or the fat sucked out of her thighs, or her face injected with a bucket-full of spackle? In truth it’s really no one’s business.

Then again you can’t blame people for taking exception to someone going around pretending that they were born looking genetically freakalicious while at the same time assuming that we the public are too bloody stupid to recognize manmade construction when we see it. Especially when that construction is now bordering on the frighteningly fake. …I’m just saying…

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey – Day 2

Wow! I am beyond amazed at all of participation in my pervy little sex survey. Things are going so well that we have even had a couple of readers that have reposted the survey over at their blogs. Thanks Sara and Shirley!

Because the comments section on the original post is growing at an astounding rate, I thought I would repost the survey questions for those of you that still want to participate. This is all meant in good fun so I hope you will play along, even if you do so anonymously.

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. Of the five primary sexual activities that include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation and anal sex, which do you rate as your favorite sexual activity?

2. When it comes to giving AND receiving, what do you really think/feel about oral sex?

3. What is one sexual fantasy that you have yet to enact?

4. Thumbs up or Thumbs Down regarding anal sex?

5. What is your favorite sex position?

6. Yay or Nay when it comes to sex toys? If so, what kind?

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex?

8. Yes or No when it comes to condoms?

9. If you had to choose between kissing, oral sex and intercourse AND could only pick two, which two would you opt for?

10. Which famous person would you most like to have sex with?


Thanks for playing!
xo The Empress


PS: If you enjoyed this naughty but fun survey, please let me know and perhaps we can do another one in the future.

ARE YOU GAME???

As a follow up to my recent and highly inappropriate summary of the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior’s major scientific sex study I thought it would be fun to conduct our very own bloggerific sex survey.

First off, the NSSHB’s sex study was strictly American-based, and here in the blogosphere we have readers that come from various parts of the globe. Our version will aim to garner a more balanced worldly view on sexual behavior.

Second, while their study was extremely comprehensive, it was also entirely too clinical and sanitized. Our survey will dig a bit deeper and aim to be far more colorful and spicy.

Third, their study was primarily focused on five sexual activities and whether or not participants had engaged in said activities in the past 365 days. Our version will be more focused on the sexy juicy details.

There are really no hard and fast rules to our sex survey. Just leave your answers in the comments section below. Answer any OR all of the questions you’re comfortable answering. Your responses can be as conservative OR as racy as you like. They can also be as straight to the point or as detailed as you like. And if you are shy, it's perfectly fine to answer anonymously.

Historically you guys have proven to excel when it comes to leaving amusing comments so I’m really looking forward to seeing how this little experiment turns out!

Feel free to post a link or email this survey to your friends. The more participants we have responding to our sex survey the more interesting and entertaining this will be for everyone.

Now for those of you that are game, let’s get this party started!


The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. Of the five primary sexual activities that include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation and anal sex, which do you rate as your favorite sexual activity?

2. When it comes to giving AND receiving, what do you really think/feel about oral sex?

3. What is one sexual fantasy that you have yet to enact?

4. Thumbs up or Thumbs Down regarding anal sex?

5. What is your favorite sex position?

6. Yay or Nay when it comes to sex toys? If so, what kind?

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex?

8. Yes or No when it comes to condoms?

9. If you had to choose between kissing, oral sex and intercourse AND could only pick two, which two would you opt for?

10. Which famous person would you most like to have sex with?

Thanks for playing!

xo The Empress
aka Blogosphere Sexologist

And the award goes to…

Being that I’m all about sharing the blog love I thought it was time to bestow some much deserved recognition on a couple of bloggers that amuse me to no end. So without further adieu I would like to happily present the “Your Blog is Bloody Brilliant” award to:



• Falen at Colorful Rants of a Fed up Sista

• Dan at From the head of the Danaconda

Both of these brilliant bloggers definitely give me a run for the money when it comes to being a word perv -- and ya’ll know what a big fan I am of pervy dialogue!

Falen is raw, real and no topic is off limits. From sharing humorous stories to answering readers’ often incredibly intimate questions, you never know what you are bound to find over at her blog. She also leaves some of the most hilarious comments at the blogs she follows.

Dan provides a fascinating male perspective on life. Whether he is recapping one of his wild and debaucherous weekends or discussing sexual relations, there is never a dull moment over at his incredibly funny blog. And his oftentimes naughty reader comments are beyond entertaining!

So if either of these blogs is new to you, definitely go check them out. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

Have a great rest of the week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

The Ranter’s Box is REALLY a blog

Dear Technorati Technotards,

Thank you ever so kindly for wasting the past week of my life by forcing me to repeatedly jump through all of your ridiculous and cockamamie hoops in a futile attempt to get my blog The Ranter’s Box listed in your stupid blog directory.

While I admit that I am somewhat daft when it comes to highly technical matters such as writing computer code for complex satellite networks or engineering space shuttles, I am quite capable of correctly identifying and providing both the URL and feed for my blog.

Please note that the screen captures you provided in response to my numerous claim requests are in fact from my actual blog. Therefore anyone with half a brain could easily conclude that the URL feed is both valid and working:



Further, if you once again refer to the screen captures you provided for my blog you will see that The Ranter’s Box is in fact an actual blog and NOT a product catalog, forum or the like as you so moronically indicated below:



Now far be it for me to tell you how to run your effed up company, but wouldn’t such glaringly obvious evidence like my blog posts, blog archive, blog followers and plenty of really awesome blog awards clue your jackass reviewers in to the fact that my blog The Ranter’s Box is in fact an actual blog?

One would think so especially after Technorati sent me an email stating:

Thank you for submitting your blog claim on Technorati. We have successfully crawled your blog and found the claim token, and your claim is now awaiting review.

Seriously, WTF is going on with your jacked up claims process? It has been seven days, six claims, three blog claim tokens, and endless Technorati excuses later and I’m still waiting for approval. Please get your shit together ASAP lest I get completely and utterly fed up with all of your nonsense and go find myself a far better blog directory to list my snarky little blog!

Regards,

The Empress


Yet another Technorati claim token: HKVRV8VTDXH3

Odds and Ends, Bits and Bobs

Apologies for being MIA my lovelies. I’ve been cooking up some juicy posts for you all but had to put them on hold while dealing with some technical difficulties in getting The Ranter’s Box listed on one of the blog directories …some nonsense about URL’s, blog crawling and claim tokens. But anyhoo…

First I want to say thank you to all the new readers who have joined our snarky little family and to those of you that have remained faithful followers and continue to bring joy to my day with all of your amusing comments.

A special shout-out goes to the always entertaining Simple Dude in a Complex World. I am still beyond touched by his ongoing efforts to help me get B.O.N.’ed (Blog of Note). He wrote this really cool post imploring the Blog of Note Gods or Goddesses to BON both me and the amazing Rabbit over at The Long Journey to the Middle. Many thanks Simple Dude!

On another note, after some prompting by a few readers, I can happily report that I managed to get a couple of phrases common to The Empress published in Urban Dictionary. Word Perv was easily accepted by their editors however Knob-slobbing took a bit more effort. Apparently one of the more conservative editors didn’t feel my first submission of knob-slobbing was acceptable. After re-submitting under “knob-slob” and sanitizing my example they finally gave the green light. Woo-hoo! Feel free to click on the word links and give your thumbs up for my words on the Urban Dictionary site.

Also, after reviewing today’s key search words for The Ranter’s Box it appears that I am starting to get a reputation as a genuine word perv. Can you guess which search words are my favorite?



And that my lovelies is all the latest. In the meantime, have a great rest of the week …and be on the lookout for a follow up post to the one on the sex study as well as something about BJ’s.

xo The Empress

Smell, what smell?

Just when you think you have heard it all, along comes a bizarre and rather creepy news report that leaves you shaking your head and wondering WTF is wrong with some people.

When Costa Mesa, California police officers were recently dispatched to investigate a vehicle blocking a driveway, they smelled a nasty stench coming from the car and observed what appeared to be a foot sticking out from under blankets in the front passenger seat. Officers quickly broke the car window to get inside and made the awesome discovery of a box of baking soda and mummified body that was several months old.

The driver of the vehicle was located and initially denied knowledge of the corpse. She later fessed up to the authorities that she had befriended a homeless woman back in December of 2009 and had allowed the transient to sleep in her car. She went on to further explain that the homeless woman had mysteriously died of an unknown cause.

But rather than report the death to the police, the wackadoodle woman decided it would be better to drive around with a stinking and rotting corpse propped up beside her in the car for an estimated ten months before being discovered.

An autopsy conducted on the body showed no obvious signs of foul play but the actual cause of death of the homeless woman is yet to be determined. Surprisingly the driver of the vehicle has NOT been arrested and investigators are currently deciding what if any charges will be filed against the mad mummy chauffeur.

Kind of sick and twisted isn’t it?...

Happy Halloween my lovelies and watch out for those scary ghosts, goblins and mummies!

xo The Empress


PS: In an effort to further pimp out my blog I need to add this special code to get on the Technorati blog directory: 7XNHBFYC7QFC

There is no way I’m effing wear that!

Recently I was in line at one of the big box stores and noticed that the crazy lady in front of me was giddy as a school girl over the fact that she was about to purchase her poor canine a ridiculously stupid Halloween costume.

Now I love animals and totally get the fact that our furry little friends often become like members of the family. As such I think it is totally normal to give Fido a cuddle or a special treat. But when it comes to dog strollers, pet bakeries, animal chefs and holiday costumes, well that is an altogether entirely different over-the-freaking-top story.

Animals do not get off being dressed in people costumes and paraded around like little circus freaks for the sole amusement of their insensitive owners. To prove this point here is some highly scientific photographic evidence combined with the amusing intimate thoughts of a few unwilling pets forced to participate in the Halloween antics of their parents:


“I’ve got your ‘Hello Kitty’ bitch!”




“I know Batman is really cool and all …but seriously, WTF?!”




"Oh how you are going to wish you had nine lives after I commence with ripping you a new one!"




"Yeah, I'll show you satan's lap dog you big butt face!"




"Just because you and your fat, lazy ass like to lounge around on the couch wearing a god-awful Snuggie and stuffing your face with Twinkies does not mean that I aspire to the same misfortune!”




“Ha Ha! Very funny. Don’t wonder why I shit all over your bed the next time you leave me home alone.”


So attention all you jackass pet owners out there: Please refrain from thinking that your animal is actually a human being that enjoys being dressed in asinine costumes. They clearly don’t you big stupid morons! ...I'm just saying...

Happy Halloween my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Rickety road sores no more

If you have been reading this snarky blog for a while now then you are probably well aware of my great disdain for that nasty, rickety road sore otherwise known as the minivan. Not only have I previously awarded those shit-mobiles with the Ugly Vehicle Award but I also happily take the piss at anyone who intentionally makes the choice to drive one.

So it was much to my delight when I came across this new commercial featuring a hip young boy making fun of lame-ass dorks who drive minivans:



Maybe Toyota finally got a clue and decided to send the stupid Siena minivan the way of the dinosaurs. Now if only we could find a way to get rid of sucky drivers (funny video included in link) as well. …I’m just saying…