Blow and make a wish!

Dear Birthday Fairy,

This past year I have been very good and hope you will take this into consideration when you are granting my birthday wishes. I’ve really been working on directing my snarky barbs only towards extremely stupid human behavior and well-deserving fame whore celebutards.

I have also managed to reduce the number of times I royally cuss out jackass customer service agents to only about once a month which is a major improvement over this time last year. And while I could always work on improving the amount of times I hurl abusive curse words at f*ckwit bad drivers, perhaps we could make that a goal for next year.

Anyhow, I would like to respectfully request the following wishes for my birthday:

• One ginormous and incredibly decadent chocolate birthday cake;
• An endless round of yummy celebratory birthday cocktails;
• A weekend supply of vicodin to help knock my effing insomnia into next week;
• One gorgeous and ridiculously expensive new designer handbag;
• A fun, wild and crazy night out on the town that doesn’t involve being arrested;
• A much needed two-week tropical vacation to a beautiful high-end luxury resort;
• One hot and sexy man slave to use at my naughty discretion;
• And to finally get B.O.N’ed by the Blogger powers that be!

Thank you in advance for your consideration and for all of these lovely wishes that you are able to make come true for me.

Yours respectfully,
The Empress