Monday, December 20, 2010

Fun with words – Naughty Bits edition

Recently while I was waiting at an appointment I had the rare opportunity to peruse the chick magazines, you know the ones with all the silly fashion, sex and relationship advice. One particular magazine had an article featuring the pet names that couples call each other’s naughty bits. And being the word perv that I am, you know I was all over that article like butter on bread.

(WARNING: For those of you with lily white virginal eyeballs and G-rated sensibilities, PLEASE STOP READING NOW. This post contains LOTS and LOTS of FUN NAUGHTY WORDS!!!)

The pets names listed ranged from flattering (king kong ) to amusing (dongola). However, I was much surprised to read that one guy actually admitted to regularly referring to his partner’s lady bits as a ham wallet …and that he was still alive and breathing with his wiener and both balls intact.

There were a few other names listed for the male and female nether regions but not nearly enough to satisfy my somewhat demented dirty little mind. So, I went in search of additional penis and vadge nicknames, all pervy of course, and here is what I found:

Fur burger, meat curtain, butcher slit, fish taco, squish mitten, cooter, oyster ditch, pork steeple, meat locker, clunge, spam purse, cod pouch, finger hut, tampon socket, hatchet wound, cum dumpster, and honey pot.

Wang, schlong, willy, prick, johnson, shaft, pecker, boner, dong, knob, woody, chubby, pork sword, stiffy, tool, phallus, sausage, pocket rocket, trouser snake, one-eyed wonder worm, tube steak, pee-pee, mutton dagger, purple-headed yogurt slinger, meat whistle, and tallywacker.

And now that I have corrupted all of your saintly minds, please go forth and have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

PS: I also want to say thank you so much for all of your recent support regarding Miss Poopy as well as for hanging in there while my attention has been diverted away on a major work project. And to all of the lovely new readers, WELCOME!


  1. you forgot muff burger and cha cha for us girls lol

    but I think you pretty much have the boy bits sorted

  2. @Mynx: Hello my friend! Thanks for adding your own phrases to the list. Hopefully other readers will as well. This could be lots of fun!!

  3. I shudder to think where "mutton dagger" came from. Isn't mutton . . . sheep? LOL

  4. i call mine a loo-loo or a shooshaloo. and i call boy equipment either twigs and berries if i'm talking about ALL the equipment (if ya know what i'm sayin) or a peep when referring only to the...erm.. twig.
    because, apparently, i'm still 6 :P

  5. Women:
    Vaj, Vajayjay, virginia

    and men. u got that covered well.

  6. I don't have any new phrases to add, but I now have a whole slew of new things to call my co-workers today! Thanks!!


  7. When you wrote 'virginal eyeballs' I read it as 'vaginal eyeballs.'

    The mental picture that came to me in that instant will haunt me forever.


  8. Hahahaha. This is so funny. My 85 year old mother calls it a 'sugar bowl'. That's pretty cute coming from her!

  9. I submit "Wangus" a variation of wang.

  10. There is so many more nicknames that you could have added. But you did do a great job of summing them up.

  11. Meat curtain, butcher slit, spam purse and cod pouch all make me want to gag. And I OWN one of 'em.

    Totally going to be all self-conscious next time she's exposed... lol

  12. I once knew a bloke who called his "Rip Van Winkle" ;)

  13. LOL I think I'll refer mine as a meat locker now. That is just hilarious! I think I know what magazine that came from. Glamour?

  14. I think you forgot VaJayJay and and whoha for a girl... Well that's what I call them anyway.. Also Chelsea Handler (funny comedian) calls her Coslopus... Loved the blog, glad to see you back in it! :)

  15. I am reminded of the extended version of George Carlin's "7 words you can't say on television". We had this memorized in HS, but all I can recall right this moment are the following for lady bits, "kooze, gash, slash, box, beaver, pussy, bearded clam".

  16. This is hilarious! My mum always called menstruation 'Gertrude' and it stuck. Now my husband calls it that!!! And my high school students nearly choked on their chewing gum the other day when I used the term vajayjay in class! Classic!

  17. Hello my lovelies! You guys are awesome with your hilarious comments. Thanks for bringing a huge smile to my day.

  18. @J.Day: That is classic! Mutton is a name for an old sheep with chewy meat. So technically the name mutton dagger would imply someone who bangs old sheep ; )

    @Jess: Loo Loo is a cute name. And big twigs are nice!

    @Poetry is Life: Thanks for chiming in! Vajayjay is on my list in "The Empress Phraseology" post. It is always a fun but tasteful choice when describing lady bits.

    @Simple Dude: I'm sure you will come up with some new phrases of your own and when you do please share. In the meantime, let me know how it goes with the new nicknames you bestow upon your co-workers ; )

    @Jeff: See, I'm NOT the only one with a dirty mind or pervy eyeballs!

    @Bouncin'Barb: Sugar bowl is awesome! I definitely want to add that one to my vocab.

    @Vinny C: Wangus? I like that one. It sort of fits in the dickweed and douche category.

    @Oilfield Trash: I will that that as a huge compliment my friend. Although I was secretly hoping you would share some of your own names with us. No doubt you have a treasure trove of classics.

    @Stephanie C: I'm with you girlfriend. The names for the female naughty bits are less than flattering for sure. Hmmm...

    @Nat: Was that because it was old and wrinkly?

    @The Adorkable Ditz: Meat locker has sort of a sport sound to it, something that the guys can relate to on a few different levels, huh?

    @AmberLaShell: I love hoohah! Can't believe I forgot that one. Thanks for adding it to our list. ...Chelsea is great isn't she?

    @J9: Kooze? Now that is a new one to add to the list. Can't wait to see what urban dictionary has to say about it.

    @LottieSpartacus: Thanks for stopping by and chiming in. ...Poor Gertrude is always associated with the of worst things. I refer to someone being a gertrude when they have a stick up their arse. ...Good on you for keeping it modern with your students. I'm sure they love having a cool teacher.

  19. I've always been partial to "cooter"...glad it made the list :-) JM told me one day she ran into my step-brother when leaving the dortor's office...alarmed, I asked why she was at the doctor's...oh, she said...just a check-up with the Cooterologist! The she had to explain that my brother's pediatrician was in the same building!

  20. @Dad: Cooterologist is hilarious! I've generally referred to those particular specialists as the "yucky doctors".

  21. Tallywacker sounds awesome! Sounds like something you would use whilst wearing a helmet and riding a horse!

  22. wow who knew there were so many lovely names for ones body part. i am very impressed with you my dear and must say very well educated now. thank you.

  23. excellent post Empress!!!

    hope work project wraps soon so we can get more of you!!!(meant in a totally non-slutty, bloggery way)
    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    The guy book
    the guy book

  24. I believe we missed "cock wallet" ... as well as "cock holster" ... Otherwise very thorough - outstanding job, Empress!


  25. Empress, I hereby declare you the New Millennium George Carlin, in your own right! He would have loved that, I'd bet!

  26. Cooter I actually kinda like (not that I would refer to mine as that) however I vomited a little when I read fur burger and meat curtain because as revolting as those names are... I can totally see how someone came up with them.

  27. @Molly Malone: Or something you would play with while wearing a helmet and pretending to ride a horse ; )

    @becca: You are welcome my dear. I try my best to be of fun service.

    @bruce: Thanks in a non-slutty bloggerly way!

    @PM Taylor: Oh, I like cock wallet! Excellent addition to our list here. Thanks.

    @G: George, really? Very cool.

    @The Phoenix Rising: I will take that as one huge and wonderful comment. Merci!

    @these.words89: Vomit inducing not intended. And I agree with you. Gross but sadly true...

    @The Blast from "Down Under": Thanks for stopping by and chiming in. Your kind words are most appreciated : )

  28. So that's what guys are talking about when they say 'meat locker'! Cum dumpster is by far the most crass thing I've ever heard. Well, not really, but it comes close. I kinda like honey pot. Think I'll start using that one.

    Purple helmet is hilarious and mutton dagger is just...creepy.

    Hilarious post as usual! Thanks for the laugh while I'm on the road to flu recovery!

  29. Hahahah I laughed out loud reading this. Good post:)

  30. @Mrs. Hyde: I kind of like honey pot too. Feel better soon my friend : )

  31. @Sana Ali: Thanks for your kind words! Glad you enjoyed the post : )

  32. Boy, I've got a bunch of very disturbing mental images - but in a 'hilarious-now-how-can-I-use-them-in-public' kinda way!!

    You sure got everyone smiling - that's a gift!!

    Happy travels!!

  33. @Red Nomad OZ: Thank you kindly. Just trying to bring a smile to the day of others. Glad to know it worked : )

  34. Why are all the female names so gross? The only one I like is honey pot...well and maybe squish mitten just because it's fun to say. The others just conjure up really bad images. LOL

    I would like to submit for consideration 'the fortune nookie' and 'paradise island playland' (you must be THIS tall to ride).

  35. @Semi True Torystellar: Agreed, the female names are fairly disgusting. Love your submissions though. We definitely have to add them to our list!

  36. With the exception of a purple-headed yogurt slinger, I don't have much to add at the moment. Sorry I didn't come over here sooner, but I'll be sure to try to conjure up some dirty names for our dirty parts. Your blog's kickin' some serious ass...keep it up. I'll be sure to do the same, just in a different way ;p

  37. @Danaconda: Purple-headed yogurt slinger is classic. We definitely have to add it to the list! ...Thanks for the blog props. I have some mighty good blog pimps working it for me. Happy New Year my pervy friend!

  38. What about the Bearded Clam? Or the Porridge Gun? Playgorund classics.

  39. @Castman: Porridge Gun is great. Hadn't heard that one before. Thanks for sharing : )

  40. I'm 57 now, and would you consider this appropriate for a geezer like myself:

    The Avenger.

    It used to be call The Howitzer, but my get up and go, has got up and left.



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