Air travel etiquette for jackarses

For the most part my recent holiday travels were thankfully uneventful. However, being that the stupid effing amateurs come out in droves this time of year and frustratingly annoy their fellow travelers, I thought I would compile a handy list of air travel tips for jackasses:

1. If you have never before traveled by airplane or are just a fricking idiot who can’t remember basic security protocol, then please for the love of gawd go to the TSA website and familiarize yourself with the security screening process BEFORE you get to the airport. No one wants to be log-jammed at the security checkpoint because you don’t know what you can and can’t bring on the plane or what you can and can’t wear through the metal detector. Read up and get with the program you daft f*ckwit(s)!

2. When traveling with a child do not allow your little demon seed to repeatedly hurl metal lunch boxes 15 feet across the airport terminal and past the heads of your fellow travelers. Either put a leash on your little brat or keep him at home until such time as he is capable of traveling in a far more civilized manner.

3. If your husband is randy old tomcat who is in the habit of checking out other woman while waiting to board the airplane and you are an insecure old cow, please refrain from trying to make out with said husband on the plane’s sky bridge. Doing so is gross and desperate. There are children around for gawd’s sake. And no one is the least bit interested in your crusty old man with the meandering eyes so get over it and let the rest of us board the effing plane!

4. When boarding the airplane, please find your seat, quickly stow your luggage in the overhead bin and then get the f*ck out of the way of the other passengers who are trying to board. If you are less than cognizant of the fact that those 200 passengers behind you can’t get on the mofo plane because you are blocking the aisle, then perhaps you should take a bus or just stay the heck at home.

5. If you are inconsiderate enough to travel with a young child that you cannot control and said child proceeds to scream for the entire duration of a three hour flight, then please know that you will majorly piss off your fellow passengers. Either give your child a pacifier, a nice bottle (of whiskey), or shove a big juicy tit in its mouth. Just make it shut the f*ck up! Or refer to #4 and just stay the hell at home.

6. While flying if you talk loudly, fart repeatedly, recline your seat into the lap of the person behind you, ram into other passengers while walking up and down the aisle, invade the space of the person(s) seated next to you, or otherwise annoy other passengers then you are a rude and inconsiderate arsehole who has no business flying and you need to stay the EFFING HELL AT HOME!

Now do I make myself clear? Good. Now don’t make me tell you again you friggin’ jackwagon!

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Happy Holidays my lovelies!
xo The Empress