Monday, December 27, 2010

Air travel etiquette for jackarses

For the most part my recent holiday travels were thankfully uneventful. However, being that the stupid effing amateurs come out in droves this time of year and frustratingly annoy their fellow travelers, I thought I would compile a handy list of air travel tips for jackasses:

1. If you have never before traveled by airplane or are just a fricking idiot who can’t remember basic security protocol, then please for the love of gawd go to the TSA website and familiarize yourself with the security screening process BEFORE you get to the airport. No one wants to be log-jammed at the security checkpoint because you don’t know what you can and can’t bring on the plane or what you can and can’t wear through the metal detector. Read up and get with the program you daft f*ckwit(s)!

2. When traveling with a child do not allow your little demon seed to repeatedly hurl metal lunch boxes 15 feet across the airport terminal and past the heads of your fellow travelers. Either put a leash on your little brat or keep him at home until such time as he is capable of traveling in a far more civilized manner.

3. If your husband is randy old tomcat who is in the habit of checking out other woman while waiting to board the airplane and you are an insecure old cow, please refrain from trying to make out with said husband on the plane’s sky bridge. Doing so is gross and desperate. There are children around for gawd’s sake. And no one is the least bit interested in your crusty old man with the meandering eyes so get over it and let the rest of us board the effing plane!

4. When boarding the airplane, please find your seat, quickly stow your luggage in the overhead bin and then get the f*ck out of the way of the other passengers who are trying to board. If you are less than cognizant of the fact that those 200 passengers behind you can’t get on the mofo plane because you are blocking the aisle, then perhaps you should take a bus or just stay the heck at home.

5. If you are inconsiderate enough to travel with a young child that you cannot control and said child proceeds to scream for the entire duration of a three hour flight, then please know that you will majorly piss off your fellow passengers. Either give your child a pacifier, a nice bottle (of whiskey), or shove a big juicy tit in its mouth. Just make it shut the f*ck up! Or refer to #4 and just stay the hell at home.

6. While flying if you talk loudly, fart repeatedly, recline your seat into the lap of the person behind you, ram into other passengers while walking up and down the aisle, invade the space of the person(s) seated next to you, or otherwise annoy other passengers then you are a rude and inconsiderate arsehole who has no business flying and you need to stay the EFFING HELL AT HOME!

Now do I make myself clear? Good. Now don’t make me tell you again you friggin’ jackwagon!


Happy Holidays my lovelies!
xo The Empress


  1. Yeah when I flew to LA from Vancouver it was horrible. The Chinese people obviously didn't understand the carry on dimensions that needed to be kept and that yes it may fit the dimensions but it being a hard case ruins it for the rest of us.

    Foreigners need to learn to point to the right color when asked is someone in the bathroom so the other foreigner who doesn't know how to lock the door won't get walked in on.

    And that people should follow security rules to make things go smoother.

  2. Oh dear. Have experience with all of these, I assume? lol I don't fly often, but I know people who do, and I hear similar stories from them. Horrible. Plus I can refer to them when I do wind up flying as they are always aware of the latest security updates. I hate inconsiderate travelers. They are the worst.

  3. OMG I think I love you. I agree with everything you have just said.

  4. Re: #5 if all parents knew the benefits of Benadryl, we'd all be a lot better off.

  5. You labeled "sex" as one of the topics of this post...does that have to do with the whining children?

  6. "..or shove a big juicy tit in its mouth."

    How did you know how I get my boyfriends to behave when flying?

  7. @The Adorkable Ditz: I feel your pain girlfriend!

    @J.Day: There should be an etiquette test that amatuer travelers must pass before they are allowed to fly with the general public.

    @Oilfield Trash: Love right back at you my friend!

    @Mrs. Hyde: Thank you for saying what many of us were already thinking ; )

    @Deidra: No, the label is just all in good fun. I get all sorts of crazy key search words for The Ranter's Box and I'm just helping that cause along!

  8. @The Bagel Fairy: Hey, whatever works. As long as he is happy and well behaved ; )

  9. "you friggin’ jackwagon!"... Is that not from a commerical or something... funny post by the way. The sarcasm and wit touches my heart, lol

  10. HHHMMMmmm... I guess that means the major airline endorsement isn't going to happen just yet!!!

    Seriously, please consider inserting a few keywords similar (oh hell, make it 'identical') to those travel wannabees use when on-line and planning their trip. That way they'll get to this post FIRST!!

  11. Why is this not something the majority of the population can handle. Seriously, most people just act like they stumbled off the turnip truck when they get to the airport. Tighter security is nothing new people!


  12. too funny. Actually I like to crank up the wailing child thing (don't feed him, her etc.) to get more space on the plane.

  13. sage advice oh most sacastic one!!!

    love this post!!!

    most people should just stay the f home, flying driving, bike riding or walking...

  14. That sounds horrific...I am so glad I don't fly!

  15. Yay, I got so excited to see you had posted I nearly fell out of my hammock. Wonderful as always Empress. I dont fly all that often but those rules could be adapted for many social situations like grocery shopping. Love it

  16. I've sent in my nomination to the TSA and it said: I, Miss Nikki, hereby nominate The Express as new queen and ruler of the TSA. Thank you.

  17. Oh Ranter. I fear that I am just not "getting" your rants lately.

  18. So all in all you enjoy flying then....

    Happy holiday to yoo, Boonie

  19. @The Phoenix Rising: Thanks! And yes, the jackwagon phrase was inspired by an insurance commercial that makes me laugh every time I see it.

    @Red Nomad OZ: No airline endorsement just yet but if you can arrange the automatic link for all those daft travelers out there then I'm sure the rest of us non-moronic travelers would be rather pleased : )

    @Simple Dude: The turnip truck should automatically issue a handbook to those idiots!

    @David L. Macaulay: I totally get how you could work that to your advantage.

    @Bruce: Thanks and right back at ya! Yes, morons should NOT be allowed in public places of any kind. Is there somewhere 'special' we can send them all?

    @Donda: Very wise of you!

    @Mynx: I appreciate your kind words my dear! Perhaps the grocery stores could imprint these rules on their shopping carts. Goodness knows there are plenty of dumb asses slowing down and jacking up the grocery shopping process as well.

    @Miss Nikki: Do you think the TSA will go for it?

    @Jess: You jest?

  20. @Boonie S: Ha! Flying has become a necessary evil I suppose. Happy Holidays to you as well!

  21. flew on the same flights I have and I didn't even know it. hahahaha. I loved this post and it is so freakin true. Bruce often asks me if people are intentionally doing this stuff and I think they are just so freaking ignorant they are oblivious to it. Need to get a slap upside the head. All airports need to post this blog there!!!!

  22. This should be handed out to people that buy airline tickets.

    Great post!

  23. @ The Express: I can be VERY convincing when I need to be, if I were you I'd be heading to the Tiaras Are Us store right now...

  24. May I add the following?
    -A pleasant "hello" and brief intro to your seatmate is cool. However, if your seatmate is trying to read a book, work on a laptop, or is otherwise engaged in an activity, assume that he/she does not want to participate in extended conversation with you. Your nonstop blathering is annoying. Shut the f- up!

  25. @Danger Boy: Amen!

    @Bouncin' Barb: I like your thinking. Not only will this post help to educate all the morons out there but maybe it will help me to become a famous blogger who can retire from her day job!

    @Jumble Mash: Thanks for the endorsement my dear!

    @Miss Nikki: Ooooh! A new tiara? I love, love, love that idea. ...Did you happen to change my name by the way?

    @Lolamouse: Let's definitely add your point to the list. Non-stop yammering by annoying seatmates grates on my nerves for sure!

  26. Why do those seats recline? Why? Who designed them and how can I punch them in the face? Or shove a seat into THEIR lap?

  27. I travel a great deal and my #1 pet peeve on airplanes is poor personal hygeine...don't friggin' eat garlic or onions or anything else that smells and then get on an airplane!!! Three words...DE, ODOR, ANT!!!

    Sorry, I got carried away...great post!

  28. I'm so with you on jackwagons on planes. Seriously.

    I'll post more about that. The kid that kicks the seat also needs a tit or something. RAGE.BUBBLING.TO.UNCONTROLLABLE.LEVELS......

  29. Agree with everything here. I can't go on a plane without wanting to punch at least one of my fellow travelers in the face. Nice blogging! W

  30. @StephanieC: Seat kickers suck bigtime. I usually just ram my seat back into them a couple of times to make a point ; )

    @Castmana: Thanks for stopping by and chiming in. Your kind words are appreciated as much as your attitude towards dealing with f*ckwitted travelers!


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