I NEED YOUR VOTE - Again!

If you are just catching up, I am currently battling it out in The First Annual Thank, Q For Bloggers Tournament hosted by the man himself, Q, over at Thank Q, for Common Sense!

This competition is a March Madness style blogging competition whereby I am currently pitted in the 2nd Round against Mommy Confesions. She is proving to be a rather tough competitor and I could really use your support.

You can help The Ranter’s Box make it through to the final Fave 4 by clicking on this tournament link and casting your vote. Today is the last day for voting and every vote counts.

Thanks for your support and to all of you that have already cast your votes, here is a ginormous bloggy hug!

xo The Empress

Round 2 - Please Vote For Me!

Round 2 of The Thank, Q For Common Sense bloggers tournament is now on and thanks to all of your votes and ongoing support I have happily made it to the next round.

Once again I have been pitted against another lovely mommy blog. This time it’s Mommy Confessions. While I’m sure she too is a nice woman, this is my very first blogging competition and I want to become the undisputed, unanimous blogging victor.

All I need to do in order to win the 2nd round is have you click here on this link. The link will take you to Q’s blog site where my post on What to do when you are Bored is up against Mommy Confession’s favorite post.

There is a “Vote for Your Fave” box over on the right hand side of his blog. Look for the box that says The Ranter’s Box and please vote for your favorite snarky empress. I will be much obliged, appreciative and eternally grateful.

Thanks a bunch my lovelies!
xo The Empress


PS: Apologies to those of you that had difficulty with the tournament voting link. I re-posted the link so please try again.

March Sex Survey Results and Best Comment Winners

Hello my lovelies. Last week we had a wonderful response to The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey. Thank you to all of you whom so bravely and candidly participated. The survey responses were incredibly amusing to say the least, so much so that I’ve gone ahead and done a recap of the results:

(***PLEASE NOTE: The following post is a fun and slightly pervy discussion about SEX. If you happen to find this particular topic offensive to your delicate sensibilities then perhaps you should stop back by tomorrow or go find yourself a sweet little blog on the joys of quilting in the 20th century.***)

On a scale of one to ten, when it comes to how high our brothers and sisters in the blogosphere fly their freak flags, most commenters tend to fly their flags at an 8 or 9. One participant proudly proclaimed their flag is at the top of the pole while another stated that their flag is so high they can’t see it. On the lower end of the scale, a couple participants fly their flags at a 5.

When it comes to what they consider to be their best bedroom skills, the majority of the men as well as the ladies said they are really great at going down south (giving head, beaver munching, etc.), with one woman stating that she “gives the best blow job known to man”. Other special bedroom skills included being on top and using one’s magic fingers.

As for whether or not woman REALLY enjoy giving blow jobs, most of the guy respondents felt like woman don’t actually enjoy knob slobbing and if they engage in doing so it is mainly to please their partner. By contrast several of the ladies responded that they love salami slurping, with one woman proclaiming that giving blow jobs gets her oven going. However, just as many female commenters said that giving head was something they do purely for the benefit of their man. …Sorry guys…

When it comes to the maximum number of partners a survey participant has had during one sex session, quite a few commenters stated they have had only one partner. However, one guy admitted that only having one partner wasn’t for lack of him trying to have more. On the more adventurous end of the scale, there was a three-way tie for having the most sexual partners at any one given time: FOUR (4)!

And finally, when it comes to fetishes, the responses by survey participants ranged across the board from slightly rough play to soft biting, light bondage, or filthy pillow talk. Some commenters admitted to liking feet, sex toys, leather clothing, handcuffs, anal, bondage, boobs, and big dicks. Others like being voyeuristic, doing things with baby oil, or engaging in group sex. One guy even likes drawing large stick boobs. Whereas one woman loves doing it doggy style while getting her hair pulled, her ass slapped and being talked to really dirty. …You go girl!..

As for the WINNERS OF THE MOST INTERESTING COMMENTS, the awards go to:

Tony Van Helsing over at Tony Van Helsing’s Mystery Theatre

AND

Deus Ex Machina over at Goddess in the Machine

Congratulations to them both! Please stop by their blogs and say hello. Alternatively you could also ask them to further clarify about elbow sex or things that the husband has a hard time complying with…

Happy Hump Day!
xo The Empress


PS: Tomorrow voting closes over at the Thank Q for Common Sense Blogging Tournament. If you haven’t yet cast your vote for The Ranter’s Box please do so because that mommy blogger is proving to be stiff competition. And to those of you that have already voted, THANK YOU!!

I NEED YOUR VOTE!

If you are just catching up, I have been invited to participate in The First Annual Thank, Q For Bloggers Tournament hosted by the man himself, Q, over at Thank Q, for Common Sense!

This competition is a March Madness style blogging competition whereby I am currently pitted in the first round against Jersey Diva Mom. She has been chomping at my heals ever since our round went live yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately late today she finally overtook me in the number of votes that have been received. Now I’m all the more eager to kick some blog arse!

It’s definitely time to call in the The Ranter’s Box Army, meaning all of you lovely readers. If you would please show some love and support by clicking on this tournament link and voting for my blog post as your favorite, I shall be incredibly appreciative.

And to all of you that have already cast your votes, here is a ginormous bloggy hug!

Thanks my lovelies,
xo The Empress


Latest Tournament Update: The competition is really trying to bring it. As of midnight she is still one vote ahead. Please help me show her who is boss ; )

Pretty Please Vote For Me!

Hello my lovelies. I mentioned during the last post that I have been invited to participate in The First Annual Thank, Q For Bloggers Tournament hosted by the man himself, Q, over at Thank Q, for Common Sense!

Well, the competition is now on like donkey kong and I have been pitted against Jersey Diva Mom. While I’m sure she is a lovely woman, this is my very first blogging competition and I want to go for the gold / whoop some bloggin’ booty.

All I need to do in order to win this round is have you click on this link here. The link will take you to Q’s blog site where my post on The Big O Times Two is up against Jersey Diva Mom’s favorite post.

There is a “Vote for Your Fave” box over on the upper/mid right hand side of his blog. Look for the box that says The Ranter’s Box and please vote for your favorite snarky empress. I will be much obliged, appreciative and eternally grateful.

THANKS A BUNCH!
xo The Empress

Just a pimpin and a braggin

Now call me a blog whore, but I am incredibly excited to announce that I was invited by the lovely Rita over at The Adventures of Cinderita to do my Very 1st EVER Guest Post! This post may be a bit different from what you are accustomed to finding over here at my snarky humor blog but I hope you will enjoy it all the same. You can visit Cinderita’s always inspiring blog and find my guest post today by clicking on this link.

At the end of March me and my hilarious word perv buddy Bruce over at stupid stuff i see and hear will be doing a special and rather spicy blogging collaboration. This should be great fun and I’m very much looking forward to seeing if we can manage to get Bruce’s blog banned in yet another country. In the meantime be sure to stop by his blog for a guaranteed laugh.

On another note, Q over at Thank, Q for Common Sense is hosting The First Annual Thank, Q for Bloggers Tournament. I’m pretty chuffed to say that Q has kindly invited me to participate in his March Madness style blogging competition. Participating bloggers will go head to head to see who gets the most votes in relation to their favorite/best blog posts. Props to Q for organizing the competition. It should be fun. I’ll keep you posted with details but in the meantime head over to his blog and check out his post on cereal.

And last but not least I want to send a giant thank you out to the always entertaining Thundercat832 over at Colorful Rants of a Fed Up Sista. My blogging sister from a different mister graciously honored me by making me one of her featured blogs this week. Thundercat is the consummate blog stalker and pretty much nothing is off the table when it comes to the things she writes about on her blog. Be sure to stop by her blog for some juicy bloggy goodness.

Happy Weekend my lovelies and please let me know what you think about my guest post.

xo The Empress

It’s Dirty Quiz Time!

Hello my lovelies and fellow pervs! It’s been a while since we entered the naughty zone so it is about time we sex up this joint a bit. Last year we got such great and amusing response when we conducted our very own Ranter’s Box Sex Survey that I thought it would be fun to roll out a brand new survey.

To participate all you have to do is leave your responses in the comments section below. If you are shy then feel free to comment anonymously. The more responses we get the more entertaining and enlightening this little exercise will be for everyone.

And as a special prize next week I will pimp out the blog of the person that leaves the most interesting comment.

Thanks for playing!
xo The Empress
********************

March 2011 Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. On a scale of one to ten, how high do you fly your freak flag?

2. What do you rate as your best skill(s) in the bedroom?

3. How much do you believe that women really enjoy giving blow jobs?

4. What is the maximum number of partners you’ve had during a single sex session?

5. Do you have any fetishes and if so what?

Hey cock sucker chew on this

So says the poor unfortunate creature that looks like this:



Lest you thinking I’m getting all fancy with the Photoshop, that really is a member of the creepy animal kingdom. It is called a Naked Mole Rat. These freaks of nature live in underground colonies and have one queen mother that is responsible for reproducing more of these penis-like animals with scary fangs.

But if that gross wee cock-headed mole weren't enough, I actually have more in store for you boys and girls. Because I am an incredibly thoughtful and dedicated researcher, I’ve rounded up some additional ugly animals for your viewing displeasure:




Blobfish
This member of the underwater world could basically be mistaken for a giant slimy loogie. What more can I say?




Baby Aardvark
These hairless ant-snorting critters resemble a house elf with a bad hangover. They are native to Africa and generally don’t look much better even after all of their hair grows in.




Philippine Tarsier
This bat/rat/alien mini-monster with long fingers, bulging eyes and vampire teeth can jump an astonishing 10 feet. I’m guessing it’s NOT a good idea to piss them off.




Aye-Aye
These extremely unattractive natives of Madagascar are nearly extinct. Locals believe they are an evil omen and therefore have no qualms about killing them upon sight. I’m not sure whether to be scared or feel sorry.


Anyhoo, that about rounds up our rather disgusting tour of weird animal wonders of the world. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go find myself a giant bottle of brain bleach to erase what we just looked at…

Sea World called and Shamu wants his tongue back

Dear Annoying Neighbor,

While I’m guessing that you probably suffer from a deviated septum, a fatty neck, or are afflicted with having a ginormous Shamu the Killer Whale sized tongue that is blocking your breathing passage, this still does not excuse the fact that you regularly disturb the peace and quiet of your neighbors.

Let it be clear that I, along with the other tenants, am beyond fed up with your loud and incessant snoring. We are sick and tired of having you rattle our walls and keep us awake each and every night with that gawd awful sound that comes out of your monstrous, meaty, phlegm-filled head.

Obviously you have a serious problem and need help. Please go get yourself some of those Breathe Right nose strips, a sleep apnea mask, or a tongue amputation. Otherwise pack up your shit and move the heck up out of our building. AND DO IT NOW!

Momma needs her beauty sleep and she isn’t going to tell you again.

Regards,
The Empress

Jackass fore play and other mayhem

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while now, no doubt you are aware that bad drivers absolutely chap my ass and get on my very last royal nerve. Oddly enough, and as long as no one gets hurt, I seem to get giddy as a school girl whenever I witness outlandish driving mishaps. Think Ace Ventura Pet Detective driving a jeep through the jungle OR this:



And yes, I nearly pissed myself when watching the abuse that was hurled upon that poor polar bear!

Happy Hump Day my lovelies and be safe when driving out there!
xo The Empress


PS: We had such a great response to our pervy little Sex Survey last year that I’m wondering if we should do another. Your thoughts?

Train to Humpy Town

We’ll keep this post short and sweet today my lovelies. If you enjoy watching hot celebrities do funny, naughty things with exercise balls then check out this video:




Who knew that exercising could be so fun and sexually gratifying?

Have a wonderful and humpy week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

When Bad is FUN

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

It’s time to bring some funny back

Hello my lovelies! In an effort to get back on track with my ultimate mission of bringing a smile to your day, here is something I dug up from the video vault that features a few funny little demon dogs wreaking havoc on the world and the people around them:




Now call me bad but is it wrong that I laughed when the doggie peed on the toddler’s face? And that I hit replay?


On a slightly more serious and far more important note I want to give a ginormous shout-out to my bloggy brother Bruce over at brucejohnson JADIP. Bruce in all his blog pimping glory kindly named me as his weekly sponsor. Which, being the blog whore that I am, I think is pretty effingtastic. If you haven’t checked out his blogs definitely go have a gander. You won’t be disappointed ‘cause Bruce rocks …and swears a lot, especially here.

Happy Hump Day!
xo The Empress

Thanks for the Christchurch love

Thank you for hanging in there while I have been all but missing in action this past week. All of the heartfelt comments you have left in honor of the Christchurch, New Zealand earthquake victims are deeply appreciated. Being that so many of my dear friends have personally suffered from this devastating disaster, it is comforting to know that you continue to send your prayers and well wishes their way. For this I shall be forever grateful.

I also realize that you take time out of your busy day to stop by The Ranter’s Box for your regular dose of laughter and word pervery. Please know that being able to bring a smile to your day is still and will always be my primary mission. Therefore it is beyond touching that despite my recent sadness and lack of posts, that not only have you all continued to hang in there but we have also happily had some brand new readers join our snarky family.

You guys are the best!
xo The Empress

PS: For those of you that asked how you could donate to the 2011 Christchurch Earthquake Appeal, this is the link to the New Zealand Red Cross.

Don’t even think about dissing Christchurch

Hello my lovelies. When I bring out the nasty ole’ hater graphic you know it’s time for me to go all verbal kung fu on someone’s stupid and insensitive ass.

Yesterday I sadly reported that my adopted hometown of Christchurch, New Zealand was tragically hit by a devastating earthquake. Many of you kindly left beautiful comments that showed your love and support for the victims of this horrific disaster. Each of those comments was deeply appreciated.

Sitting here half-way around the world, I have been feeling rather helpless. My intention was to pass your comments along to my kiwi mates back in Christchurch so that they would know the world is praying for them during this time of tragedy and loss. I felt like this was the least that I could do.

Then I happened to read the following comment by some shit-for-brains fucktard:

"sorry to laugh, but Christchurch is a city name? What great marketing for church if ive ever seen.."

Now call me just a tad bit touchy and emotional right now, but WTF? After reading my post and viewing the accompanying video about the Christchurch earthquake, how could someone even be in the frame of mind to be laughing?

It is beyond disgusting that some asshole happens to think now is a good time to poke fun at this amazing city that has all but been destroyed in the worst natural disaster in its entire history.

Countless people have lost their lives and the death toll continues to rise. People that I know and love have lost their homes and businesses. Iconic landmarks and beautiful buildings have been destroyed. The city center is in ruins. Entire neighborhoods are flooded and certain to be lost. A place that I love with all of my heart has been forever changed.

So, to the sick and twisted sociopath that brought disrespect and hate to my blog:

You are no longer welcome here at The Ranter’s Box. Your behavior is beyond repugnant and will not be tolerated. There have been reports that you have left hateful comments on the blog sites of some of my friends. Please know with absolute certainty that no one messes with me, my bloggy family, my loved ones, and definitely not Christchurch without facing my wrath. You are in dire need of psychiatric help and should be ashamed of yourself. If you ever show your disgusting face around this blog again know without a doubt that I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

The Empress

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming

Most of the time it is all fun and games here at The Ranter’s Box but today it is important to switch things up a bit. Yesterday afternoon a major earthquake devastated my adopted hometown of Christchurch, New Zealand.

This is the second serious earthquake to strike Christchurch since a 7.1 magnitude quake hit back in early September 2010. Being that the latest quake struck mid-day with the epicenter a mere three miles from the center of the city, this trembler proved to be deadly.

While I am personally safe and currently living half way around the world, many of my dear Cantabrian friends have personally been impacted by this tragic event. Homes, businesses and lives have sadly been lost. Please join me in sending your positive thoughts and prayers to all the victims and their loved ones.

xo The Empress

Feline Felonies: Klepto Edition

Over the years I have heard some pretty amazing tales about the various sorts of ingenious presents that house cats decide to bring home in the middle of the night. While mice and insects seem to be fairly typical, one friend’s cat somehow managed to drag an entire seagull in through the cat door and deposit it smack in the middle of the kitchen for mummy and daddy to find the next morning at breakfast.

But nothing has come close to what I recently discovered on this video:



Talk about a naught pussy…


Have a fantabulously effingtastic week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Complaint Letters: Prankster Edition

Dear Public Nuisance Prankster,

I want to extend my most insincere thanks regarding the inconsiderate and asinine prank you pulled the other night. While it is understandable that you most likely have the brain capacity of a half-baked flea, myself and the other apartment building tenants DID NOT appreciate the way in which you went about getting your jollies at our expense.

At 2:00am hundreds of innocent people were peacefully sleeping, passionately shagging, happily watching porn, or otherwise productively engaged when you so rudely and intentionally decided it would be good fun to set off the fire alarm.

This resulted in non-stop shrieking, eardrum piercing alarms and flashing lights to go off. Disoriented and freaked out residents fled from the building in various states of undress, while the more daring tried to get their vehicles out of the underground parking garage in the midst of all the bedlam.

Everyone was forced to stay outside in the dark cold of night until the entire building, floor by floor, could be checked and cleared of any real and legitimate danger. All while you most likely watched and wacked off from afar with a shit-eating grin plastered on your nasty little evil face.

Please know that if we ever have the misfortune to cross paths that I will gladly rip your freaking head off your shoulders and drop kick it into next week. In the meantime, please do us all a favor and go get yourself a mofo life you useless and pathetic cocknozzle. And don’t make me tell you again!

Regards,

The Empress

Zap and take that!

Here is yet another crazy and cockamamie product for the girl that has everything OR the woman who is seeking the ultimate in feminine protection any time of the month.

This particular device is oh-so-appropriately named The Pink Stinger in reference to the 50,000 volts of electrical discharge that will sear the ball hair right off of an assailant and disable him in a puddle of his own piss:




Now how’s that for a Weapon of Mass Absorption?

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Name that Star

Hello my lovelies it is time to play the Guessing Game and see if you can Name that Star. This particular guy is a major rock star who fronts one of the most famous bands of all time. He is a well-known Brit who is as ubber famous for one of his facial features as he is for his incredibly charismatic way with the ladies.

Seeing him perform last night for the first time ever on the Grammy’s made me take a wee trip down memory lane. Back in the day I had the good fortune to not only have dinner with this man but to also enjoy an unforgettable evening out on the town with him and then later attend a swanky private party he was hosting in a posh mansion.

It was a whirlwind couple of weeks that resulted in my marketing professor bribing me to get his much sought after autograph. In exchange, I was able to take my marketing exam a day late so that I could instead shop and get all dolled up for his spectacular not-to-be-missed party.

Now if you haven’t yet figured out the identity of this superstar, here is final clue:





And for the record, NO, I did not f*ck Mick Jagger …but I definitely could have played hide the salami with another A-lister that was also hanging with the entourage…

I’d love to hear all about your own celebrity encounters. Feel free to share your amazing adventures with the famous in comments section below. And yes, we want the juicy details. All of them.

Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress