There IS such a thing as TOO BIG

In an ongoing attempt to appease your pervy little appetites, I did some additional spicy research over at TLC’s kooky and somewhat shocking show called Strange Sex. Please meet Jonah our subject for the day:



Now I don’t know about you but if Jonah brought that thing anywhere near me I think I would have to book him on charges of assault with a deadly salami…

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

It’s always cocktail hour somewhere

Combine an industrious nature with sheer stupidity and you have one reliable recipe for disaster folks! Good ole boy Dennis LeRoy Anderson of Proctor, Minnesota is known for having a way with engines, a desire for comfort and mobility, and penchant for getting regularly sauced.

Being the clever 60 something year old fella that he is, Dennis came up with the brilliant plan to take his beloved La-Z-Boy recliner and kit it out with nothing less than:

-a Briggs & Stratton engine …as you do!

-a steering wheel, headlights, and power antenna …but of course!

-hot rod racing stickers …‘cause you gots to look cool!

-a stereo …what would a tricked-out ride be without some dope tunes?

-and those ever-important cup holders …so you can take the party with you baby!

Apparently Mr. Ass-for-Brains thought his ride was da bomb, so much so that one night he decided it would be good fun to take his prized converted lounge chair out on the road and down to the local pub …as you do.

Dennis proceeded to consume no less than 8 or 9 cold ones in the bar before heading out. He then strapped himself into his motorized La-Z-Boy, revved up the engine and attempted to drive off -- at which point he lost control of his furniture and crashed bumper car style into a parked Dodge Intrepid.

Shortly thereafter when our champion lounge chair rider was looking around and no doubt wondering WTF had just happened, he was arrested by local police for having a blood alcohol level more than three times the legal limit. Being that Dennis (surprisingly) already had another drunken driving conviction under his belt, there was no sweet talking himself out of this one.

Upon facing the judge he pleaded guilty to driving a recliner under the influence and was sentenced to jail time and a stiff fine. And to ensure the future safety of the public, this dumb arse’s decked-out recliner was also impounded and later put up for police auction.

Now I don’t’ know about you, but I’m thinking we should just go ahead and give this dude an honorary ‘Darwin Award’ because he is obviously swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool, and well, we all know that no good can come of that! …I’m just saying…


Hope you enjoyed this oldie but goodie. Happy Monday my lovelies!

Daddy is a Big Scaredy Cat

It’s nearly the weekend and the sun is shining so we are going to keep this post short today. First I want to say thanks to all of you that visited stupid stuff i see and hear to check out my naughty blogging collaboration with Evil Bruce. If you aren’t yet following Bruce head on over to his site and click on FOLLOW. You’ll be glad you did!

As for my promise to pimp out the blog of the person who guessed the actual topic of what Bruce and I were going to be posting on, I’ve had to rethink how I would award a winner. Unfortunately no one happened to correctly name our subject matter. However, because I enjoy being a big ole’ pimp mama I’ve chosen:

Vinny over at As Vinny C’s It.

He correctly guessed that the topic would be about sex and that it would be a he said / she said type of post. Plus Vinny is known for drawing really great pictures with stick boobies AND he is now a writer for Sprocket Ink. Be sure to visit his site and show him some bloggy love.

And finally, this wouldn’t be The Ranter’s Box without including some snarkery or laughter. Be sure and listen to what the little girl says at the very end:




Score: One point for the creepy critter and zilch for daddy!

Have a fantabulous weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

And the debauchery is officially out of the oven!

After slaving away in the oh-so-naughty blogosphere kitchen, Bruce and I have finally finished cooking up our spicy and saucy little dish for you. So if you are ready for a big ginormous taste of our blogging collaboration then head on over to stupid stuff i see and hear, open wide and enjoy …oh, and don’t forget those handy dandy wet wipes…

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress


PS: Please let me know below what you think of our cooking experiment, even if your comment is just a thumbs up or thumbs down. Thanks a bunch.

Guess what’s cooking up?

Awhile back I mentioned that I would be doing a juicy blogging collaboration with my word perv buddy Bruce over at stupid stuff i see and hear. Well, Bruce and I have been diligently plugging away in the proverbial blogosphere kitchen, stirring and mixing and making sure we add just the right amount of spice to appease the appetites of our loyal readers.

I’m very excited to say that our special and top-secret concoction is scheduled to come out of the bloggy oven sometime tomorrow afternoon or so. Once it does I will post a link to Bruce’s site where you can go and check out what we’ve been cooking up. You definitely don’t want to miss it! Just make sure you bring along some wet wipes…

And in celebration of this most momentous occasion, later this week I will be pimping out the blog of the reader who can correctly guess the topic of our blogging collaboration. Just leave your answer in the comment section below.

Good luck!
xo The Empress

Detroit Has Spoken

On Saturday night, April 2, 2011, He Who Shall NOT Be Named, aka the self-proclaimed warlock with tiger blood and Adonis DNA, bombed the opening night of his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option” comedy tour at the Fox Theatre in Detroit, Michigan.

The show proved to be an absolute hot mess, with porn stars singing the National Anthem and the warlock himself (unsurprisingly) spewing nonsensical rants and gibberish about trolls and crack.

The warlock tried to spice the show up a bit by having his so-called “Goddesses” make out for the crowd after which he instructed them to ceremoniously burn his bowling shirt from Two and a Half Men. None of which worked…

Disgruntled audience members were reported to have vigorously heckled and booed the warlock, with many of them chanting that they wanted a refund before bailing en masse from the theatre. Not what anyone would consider winning by any means.

Next up on the tour roster is the unfortunate city of Chicago, Illinois. Gawd forbid…

Complaint Letters: Parking Edition

Hello my lovelies and thanks for hanging in there while I have been busy and up to my eye-balls on a project for my paying job. Also, while we are on the subject of thanks, I want to say how much I appreciate all of your votes and support in the recent blogging competition I was in. After making it through to the second round I ended up having my ass trounced by a mommy blog. Congratulations go out to Mommy Confessions who is now close to taking the top prize in the tournament.

And now we will return to our regularly scheduled snarky programming:


Dear Inconsiderate Vehicle Operators,

Whilst I am sure you think you are incredibly special and feel that municipal parking regulations do not apply to you, I am here to tell you that YES, they actually do.

Those big red paint markings surrounding the cul-de-sac curb with the bold white letters that say “FIRE LANE NO PARKING” mean just that. No parking. No waiting. No lingering. No stopping. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

And yes, I am talking to you Mr. Jackwagon in the BMW who thinks the fire lane cul-de-sac is your own personal vehicle maintenance shop. Changing all four of your tires in the fire lane is not allowed. Replacing the front and back seat of your vehicle in the fire lane is not allowed. Putting your vehicle up on blocks whilst you conduct an afternoon of car repairs in the fire lane is not allowed. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

And yes, I am also talking to you asshat movers that illegally park your loud, noisy moving trucks in the cul-de-sac fire lane at all hours of the day and night and proceed to roll your loud and annoying hand trucks up and down the moving truck ramp, all whilst you disturb my right to peace and quiet because you are too damn lazy to park in the properly designated loading area.

And yes, I am talking to you couriers and delivery truck drivers that back your obnoxiously loud and beeping vehicles into the cul-de-sac fire lane, only to then illegally park and leave your monster vehicle engines idling whilst you go about doing your delivery business. All because you think you are so effing special that parking regulations do not apply to you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. You just do whatever the hell you want to do.

And yes, I am also talking to you shit-for-brains drivers that can’t be bothered to park your vehicles in the special underground visitor parking area because you are too stupid and/or lazy, and therefore find it much easier to just illegally park, wait or linger in the cul-de-sac fire lane with your car headlights shining in my front window and your stereos blasting. All because you think you are special and that parking regulations do not apply to you.

Well, I am here to tell all of you rude and inconsiderate cocknozzles that you are wrong. Just because I might be known for walking around my house completely starkers from time to time and you are hoping to get lucky and catch a glimpse of my awesome boobies, DOES NOT mean that you can park illegally in the fire lane outside my home. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

Now go move your damn vehicle and don’t make me tell you again!

Regards,

The Empress

I NEED YOUR VOTE - Again!

If you are just catching up, I am currently battling it out in The First Annual Thank, Q For Bloggers Tournament hosted by the man himself, Q, over at Thank Q, for Common Sense!

This competition is a March Madness style blogging competition whereby I am currently pitted in the 2nd Round against Mommy Confesions. She is proving to be a rather tough competitor and I could really use your support.

You can help The Ranter’s Box make it through to the final Fave 4 by clicking on this tournament link and casting your vote. Today is the last day for voting and every vote counts.

Thanks for your support and to all of you that have already cast your votes, here is a ginormous bloggy hug!

xo The Empress

Round 2 - Please Vote For Me!

Round 2 of The Thank, Q For Common Sense bloggers tournament is now on and thanks to all of your votes and ongoing support I have happily made it to the next round.

Once again I have been pitted against another lovely mommy blog. This time it’s Mommy Confessions. While I’m sure she too is a nice woman, this is my very first blogging competition and I want to become the undisputed, unanimous blogging victor.

All I need to do in order to win the 2nd round is have you click here on this link. The link will take you to Q’s blog site where my post on What to do when you are Bored is up against Mommy Confession’s favorite post.

There is a “Vote for Your Fave” box over on the right hand side of his blog. Look for the box that says The Ranter’s Box and please vote for your favorite snarky empress. I will be much obliged, appreciative and eternally grateful.

Thanks a bunch my lovelies!
xo The Empress


PS: Apologies to those of you that had difficulty with the tournament voting link. I re-posted the link so please try again.

March Sex Survey Results and Best Comment Winners

Hello my lovelies. Last week we had a wonderful response to The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey. Thank you to all of you whom so bravely and candidly participated. The survey responses were incredibly amusing to say the least, so much so that I’ve gone ahead and done a recap of the results:

(***PLEASE NOTE: The following post is a fun and slightly pervy discussion about SEX. If you happen to find this particular topic offensive to your delicate sensibilities then perhaps you should stop back by tomorrow or go find yourself a sweet little blog on the joys of quilting in the 20th century.***)

On a scale of one to ten, when it comes to how high our brothers and sisters in the blogosphere fly their freak flags, most commenters tend to fly their flags at an 8 or 9. One participant proudly proclaimed their flag is at the top of the pole while another stated that their flag is so high they can’t see it. On the lower end of the scale, a couple participants fly their flags at a 5.

When it comes to what they consider to be their best bedroom skills, the majority of the men as well as the ladies said they are really great at going down south (giving head, beaver munching, etc.), with one woman stating that she “gives the best blow job known to man”. Other special bedroom skills included being on top and using one’s magic fingers.

As for whether or not woman REALLY enjoy giving blow jobs, most of the guy respondents felt like woman don’t actually enjoy knob slobbing and if they engage in doing so it is mainly to please their partner. By contrast several of the ladies responded that they love salami slurping, with one woman proclaiming that giving blow jobs gets her oven going. However, just as many female commenters said that giving head was something they do purely for the benefit of their man. …Sorry guys…

When it comes to the maximum number of partners a survey participant has had during one sex session, quite a few commenters stated they have had only one partner. However, one guy admitted that only having one partner wasn’t for lack of him trying to have more. On the more adventurous end of the scale, there was a three-way tie for having the most sexual partners at any one given time: FOUR (4)!

And finally, when it comes to fetishes, the responses by survey participants ranged across the board from slightly rough play to soft biting, light bondage, or filthy pillow talk. Some commenters admitted to liking feet, sex toys, leather clothing, handcuffs, anal, bondage, boobs, and big dicks. Others like being voyeuristic, doing things with baby oil, or engaging in group sex. One guy even likes drawing large stick boobs. Whereas one woman loves doing it doggy style while getting her hair pulled, her ass slapped and being talked to really dirty. …You go girl!..

As for the WINNERS OF THE MOST INTERESTING COMMENTS, the awards go to:

Tony Van Helsing over at Tony Van Helsing’s Mystery Theatre

AND

Deus Ex Machina over at Goddess in the Machine

Congratulations to them both! Please stop by their blogs and say hello. Alternatively you could also ask them to further clarify about elbow sex or things that the husband has a hard time complying with…

Happy Hump Day!
xo The Empress


PS: Tomorrow voting closes over at the Thank Q for Common Sense Blogging Tournament. If you haven’t yet cast your vote for The Ranter’s Box please do so because that mommy blogger is proving to be stiff competition. And to those of you that have already voted, THANK YOU!!

I NEED YOUR VOTE!

If you are just catching up, I have been invited to participate in The First Annual Thank, Q For Bloggers Tournament hosted by the man himself, Q, over at Thank Q, for Common Sense!

This competition is a March Madness style blogging competition whereby I am currently pitted in the first round against Jersey Diva Mom. She has been chomping at my heals ever since our round went live yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately late today she finally overtook me in the number of votes that have been received. Now I’m all the more eager to kick some blog arse!

It’s definitely time to call in the The Ranter’s Box Army, meaning all of you lovely readers. If you would please show some love and support by clicking on this tournament link and voting for my blog post as your favorite, I shall be incredibly appreciative.

And to all of you that have already cast your votes, here is a ginormous bloggy hug!

Thanks my lovelies,
xo The Empress


Latest Tournament Update: The competition is really trying to bring it. As of midnight she is still one vote ahead. Please help me show her who is boss ; )

Pretty Please Vote For Me!

Hello my lovelies. I mentioned during the last post that I have been invited to participate in The First Annual Thank, Q For Bloggers Tournament hosted by the man himself, Q, over at Thank Q, for Common Sense!

Well, the competition is now on like donkey kong and I have been pitted against Jersey Diva Mom. While I’m sure she is a lovely woman, this is my very first blogging competition and I want to go for the gold / whoop some bloggin’ booty.

All I need to do in order to win this round is have you click on this link here. The link will take you to Q’s blog site where my post on The Big O Times Two is up against Jersey Diva Mom’s favorite post.

There is a “Vote for Your Fave” box over on the upper/mid right hand side of his blog. Look for the box that says The Ranter’s Box and please vote for your favorite snarky empress. I will be much obliged, appreciative and eternally grateful.

THANKS A BUNCH!
xo The Empress

Just a pimpin and a braggin

Now call me a blog whore, but I am incredibly excited to announce that I was invited by the lovely Rita over at The Adventures of Cinderita to do my Very 1st EVER Guest Post! This post may be a bit different from what you are accustomed to finding over here at my snarky humor blog but I hope you will enjoy it all the same. You can visit Cinderita’s always inspiring blog and find my guest post today by clicking on this link.

At the end of March me and my hilarious word perv buddy Bruce over at stupid stuff i see and hear will be doing a special and rather spicy blogging collaboration. This should be great fun and I’m very much looking forward to seeing if we can manage to get Bruce’s blog banned in yet another country. In the meantime be sure to stop by his blog for a guaranteed laugh.

On another note, Q over at Thank, Q for Common Sense is hosting The First Annual Thank, Q for Bloggers Tournament. I’m pretty chuffed to say that Q has kindly invited me to participate in his March Madness style blogging competition. Participating bloggers will go head to head to see who gets the most votes in relation to their favorite/best blog posts. Props to Q for organizing the competition. It should be fun. I’ll keep you posted with details but in the meantime head over to his blog and check out his post on cereal.

And last but not least I want to send a giant thank you out to the always entertaining Thundercat832 over at Colorful Rants of a Fed Up Sista. My blogging sister from a different mister graciously honored me by making me one of her featured blogs this week. Thundercat is the consummate blog stalker and pretty much nothing is off the table when it comes to the things she writes about on her blog. Be sure to stop by her blog for some juicy bloggy goodness.

Happy Weekend my lovelies and please let me know what you think about my guest post.

xo The Empress

It’s Dirty Quiz Time!

Hello my lovelies and fellow pervs! It’s been a while since we entered the naughty zone so it is about time we sex up this joint a bit. Last year we got such great and amusing response when we conducted our very own Ranter’s Box Sex Survey that I thought it would be fun to roll out a brand new survey.

To participate all you have to do is leave your responses in the comments section below. If you are shy then feel free to comment anonymously. The more responses we get the more entertaining and enlightening this little exercise will be for everyone.

And as a special prize next week I will pimp out the blog of the person that leaves the most interesting comment.

Thanks for playing!
xo The Empress
********************

March 2011 Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. On a scale of one to ten, how high do you fly your freak flag?

2. What do you rate as your best skill(s) in the bedroom?

3. How much do you believe that women really enjoy giving blow jobs?

4. What is the maximum number of partners you’ve had during a single sex session?

5. Do you have any fetishes and if so what?

Hey cock sucker chew on this

So says the poor unfortunate creature that looks like this:



Lest you thinking I’m getting all fancy with the Photoshop, that really is a member of the creepy animal kingdom. It is called a Naked Mole Rat. These freaks of nature live in underground colonies and have one queen mother that is responsible for reproducing more of these penis-like animals with scary fangs.

But if that gross wee cock-headed mole weren't enough, I actually have more in store for you boys and girls. Because I am an incredibly thoughtful and dedicated researcher, I’ve rounded up some additional ugly animals for your viewing displeasure:




Blobfish
This member of the underwater world could basically be mistaken for a giant slimy loogie. What more can I say?




Baby Aardvark
These hairless ant-snorting critters resemble a house elf with a bad hangover. They are native to Africa and generally don’t look much better even after all of their hair grows in.




Philippine Tarsier
This bat/rat/alien mini-monster with long fingers, bulging eyes and vampire teeth can jump an astonishing 10 feet. I’m guessing it’s NOT a good idea to piss them off.




Aye-Aye
These extremely unattractive natives of Madagascar are nearly extinct. Locals believe they are an evil omen and therefore have no qualms about killing them upon sight. I’m not sure whether to be scared or feel sorry.


Anyhoo, that about rounds up our rather disgusting tour of weird animal wonders of the world. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go find myself a giant bottle of brain bleach to erase what we just looked at…

Sea World called and Shamu wants his tongue back

Dear Annoying Neighbor,

While I’m guessing that you probably suffer from a deviated septum, a fatty neck, or are afflicted with having a ginormous Shamu the Killer Whale sized tongue that is blocking your breathing passage, this still does not excuse the fact that you regularly disturb the peace and quiet of your neighbors.

Let it be clear that I, along with the other tenants, am beyond fed up with your loud and incessant snoring. We are sick and tired of having you rattle our walls and keep us awake each and every night with that gawd awful sound that comes out of your monstrous, meaty, phlegm-filled head.

Obviously you have a serious problem and need help. Please go get yourself some of those Breathe Right nose strips, a sleep apnea mask, or a tongue amputation. Otherwise pack up your shit and move the heck up out of our building. AND DO IT NOW!

Momma needs her beauty sleep and she isn’t going to tell you again.

Regards,
The Empress

Jackass fore play and other mayhem

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while now, no doubt you are aware that bad drivers absolutely chap my ass and get on my very last royal nerve. Oddly enough, and as long as no one gets hurt, I seem to get giddy as a school girl whenever I witness outlandish driving mishaps. Think Ace Ventura Pet Detective driving a jeep through the jungle OR this:



And yes, I nearly pissed myself when watching the abuse that was hurled upon that poor polar bear!

Happy Hump Day my lovelies and be safe when driving out there!
xo The Empress


PS: We had such a great response to our pervy little Sex Survey last year that I’m wondering if we should do another. Your thoughts?

Train to Humpy Town

We’ll keep this post short and sweet today my lovelies. If you enjoy watching hot celebrities do funny, naughty things with exercise balls then check out this video:




Who knew that exercising could be so fun and sexually gratifying?

Have a wonderful and humpy week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

When Bad is FUN

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It’s time to bring some funny back

Hello my lovelies! In an effort to get back on track with my ultimate mission of bringing a smile to your day, here is something I dug up from the video vault that features a few funny little demon dogs wreaking havoc on the world and the people around them:




Now call me bad but is it wrong that I laughed when the doggie peed on the toddler’s face? And that I hit replay?


On a slightly more serious and far more important note I want to give a ginormous shout-out to my bloggy brother Bruce over at brucejohnson JADIP. Bruce in all his blog pimping glory kindly named me as his weekly sponsor. Which, being the blog whore that I am, I think is pretty effingtastic. If you haven’t checked out his blogs definitely go have a gander. You won’t be disappointed ‘cause Bruce rocks …and swears a lot, especially here.

Happy Hump Day!
xo The Empress