Friday, April 1, 2011

Complaint Letters: Parking Edition

Hello my lovelies and thanks for hanging in there while I have been busy and up to my eye-balls on a project for my paying job. Also, while we are on the subject of thanks, I want to say how much I appreciate all of your votes and support in the recent blogging competition I was in. After making it through to the second round I ended up having my ass trounced by a mommy blog. Congratulations go out to Mommy Confessions who is now close to taking the top prize in the tournament.

And now we will return to our regularly scheduled snarky programming:

Dear Inconsiderate Vehicle Operators,

Whilst I am sure you think you are incredibly special and feel that municipal parking regulations do not apply to you, I am here to tell you that YES, they actually do.

Those big red paint markings surrounding the cul-de-sac curb with the bold white letters that say “FIRE LANE NO PARKING” mean just that. No parking. No waiting. No lingering. No stopping. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

And yes, I am talking to you Mr. Jackwagon in the BMW who thinks the fire lane cul-de-sac is your own personal vehicle maintenance shop. Changing all four of your tires in the fire lane is not allowed. Replacing the front and back seat of your vehicle in the fire lane is not allowed. Putting your vehicle up on blocks whilst you conduct an afternoon of car repairs in the fire lane is not allowed. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

And yes, I am also talking to you asshat movers that illegally park your loud, noisy moving trucks in the cul-de-sac fire lane at all hours of the day and night and proceed to roll your loud and annoying hand trucks up and down the moving truck ramp, all whilst you disturb my right to peace and quiet because you are too damn lazy to park in the properly designated loading area.

And yes, I am talking to you couriers and delivery truck drivers that back your obnoxiously loud and beeping vehicles into the cul-de-sac fire lane, only to then illegally park and leave your monster vehicle engines idling whilst you go about doing your delivery business. All because you think you are so effing special that parking regulations do not apply to you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. You just do whatever the hell you want to do.

And yes, I am also talking to you shit-for-brains drivers that can’t be bothered to park your vehicles in the special underground visitor parking area because you are too stupid and/or lazy, and therefore find it much easier to just illegally park, wait or linger in the cul-de-sac fire lane with your car headlights shining in my front window and your stereos blasting. All because you think you are special and that parking regulations do not apply to you.

Well, I am here to tell all of you rude and inconsiderate cocknozzles that you are wrong. Just because I might be known for walking around my house completely starkers from time to time and you are hoping to get lucky and catch a glimpse of my awesome boobies, DOES NOT mean that you can park illegally in the fire lane outside my home. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

Now go move your damn vehicle and don’t make me tell you again!


The Empress


  1. Welcome back Empress. You are in wonderful fine form this morning (my time)
    Shame on being beaten by a Mommy blog but you will get them next time.
    (oh and come see what mischief me and bruce have been up to *giggle)

  2. You know, if you'd stop beating around the bush and just SAY what you mean, maybe, they'd figure out what you want. Playing coy, just won't do it. That said, have a good night's rest and come visit when you can... 8-)

  3. Tacks in the designated areas work wonders. Glad your back.

  4. @Mynx: Thanks for your support. I've stopped by to see the mischief you and Bruce are up to. He and I have something naughty planned for next week... Hugs to you too!

    @SharleneT: Never coy here!

    @Runew: Excellent idea. Perhaps I will pick up a box or two and discreatly toss them over the fence at night.

  5. But...but...I just wanted to see some boobies!

  6. I was on your side until you mentioned walking around your house with your boobs out. Now I can sort of see why they are doing it.

  7. @Bagel Fairy: Yeah, that's what he said ; )

    @Tony Van Helsing: Ha! The boobies part was mainly to see if you gents were paying attention. Unfortunatley with all of the illegal traffic out in front of my place, I have to be especially careful not to give an unintended show.

  8. I hate idiots. Especially ones who drive and also can't read.

    And I did see the part about your boobies. But you know the rules, you can't talk about them with out pictures. LOL

  9. You tell 'em Empress! silly buggers!

  10. Excellently worded, Empres!

    "cocknozzles" - LOVE IT. lol

  11. You walk around completely starkers?!?! I totally get why they're hanging around there so much.. ;) ;)

  12. entitled muttershtupers...what they need is a ball bat up their poopers...

    totally fu*king hate nonreading noseminers that think they can do what ever where ever...

    hell has a parking space for them, at the farthest spot in the lake of fire away from the dixie cups and water cooler

  13. People like that bring out the six year old in me. I want to go write things in crayon on their car or leave passive aggressive snooty notes.

    Now about those boobies....

  14. welocme back and loved this. also i hate people who park side ways to keeppeople from parking to close because they are afraid someone will scratch their car. seriously you need two spaces your car isn't that special.

  15. I voted my ass off in that tournament and I'm pissed you didn't win. That said, they sell these carpet strip thingys at Home Depot that are laden with tacks. Would it be illegal for you to super glue a few of them to the fire lane? Just be sure to remove them in case of an actual fire (!).

  16. @Oilfield Trash: Idiots should not be allowed to operate vehicles. ...As for showing the boobies, well, then I would no longer be anonymous ; )

    @Cinderita: Hopefully I just did : )

    @J.Day: I'd show this to those asshats but as well have all concluded, they obviously can't read.

    @PencilGirl: Honestly, as much as I enjoy the freedom of being able to walk around the house naked, with all the illegal traffic outside I have to make sure to never indulge in this fun little past time : (

    @Bruce: Your parking space in hell comment is still making me laugh!

    @The Vegetable Assassin: I've thought about getting one of those giant water cannon squirt guns and having a go at them whenever I see them out front.

    @becca: I think you are on to something there. The cocknozzles outside my home ARE probably the same jerks that when they do actually park in a parking space, they take up 2 spaces ...because we all know just how special they think they are.

    @Mrs. Hyde: Thanks for all of your votes and support in the blogging tournament. ...I would so love to put tacks out in the cul-de-sac, however I think the police would quickly figure it out as I call them daily with reports of illegally parked vehicles.

  17. LOL! Nice! I'm feeling this one!

  18. @Thank, Q: Why thanks. This issues seems to be one that many can relate. Unfortunately the problem has taken a turn for the worse, which may inspire another post.

  19. What I hate more than people doing illegal parking is when people intentionally take the truck spot out in front of our house when they know it's our spot.

    It's a huge truck, where else are we supposed to put it?

  20. These letters request a plea to take the necessary measures to solve the problem, all other attempts to find a solution.



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