Friday, April 1, 2011
Complaint Letters: Parking Edition
Hello my lovelies and thanks for hanging in there while I have been busy and up to my eye-balls on a project for my paying job. Also, while we are on the subject of thanks, I want to say how much I appreciate all of your votes and support in the recent blogging competition I was in. After making it through to the second round I ended up having my ass trounced by a mommy blog. Congratulations go out to Mommy Confessions who is now close to taking the top prize in the tournament.
And now we will return to our regularly scheduled snarky programming:
Dear Inconsiderate Vehicle Operators,
Whilst I am sure you think you are incredibly special and feel that municipal parking regulations do not apply to you, I am here to tell you that YES, they actually do.
Those big red paint markings surrounding the cul-de-sac curb with the bold white letters that say “FIRE LANE NO PARKING” mean just that. No parking. No waiting. No lingering. No stopping. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
And yes, I am talking to you Mr. Jackwagon in the BMW who thinks the fire lane cul-de-sac is your own personal vehicle maintenance shop. Changing all four of your tires in the fire lane is not allowed. Replacing the front and back seat of your vehicle in the fire lane is not allowed. Putting your vehicle up on blocks whilst you conduct an afternoon of car repairs in the fire lane is not allowed. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
And yes, I am also talking to you asshat movers that illegally park your loud, noisy moving trucks in the cul-de-sac fire lane at all hours of the day and night and proceed to roll your loud and annoying hand trucks up and down the moving truck ramp, all whilst you disturb my right to peace and quiet because you are too damn lazy to park in the properly designated loading area.
And yes, I am talking to you couriers and delivery truck drivers that back your obnoxiously loud and beeping vehicles into the cul-de-sac fire lane, only to then illegally park and leave your monster vehicle engines idling whilst you go about doing your delivery business. All because you think you are so effing special that parking regulations do not apply to you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. You just do whatever the hell you want to do.
And yes, I am also talking to you shit-for-brains drivers that can’t be bothered to park your vehicles in the special underground visitor parking area because you are too stupid and/or lazy, and therefore find it much easier to just illegally park, wait or linger in the cul-de-sac fire lane with your car headlights shining in my front window and your stereos blasting. All because you think you are special and that parking regulations do not apply to you.
Well, I am here to tell all of you rude and inconsiderate cocknozzles that you are wrong. Just because I might be known for walking around my house completely starkers from time to time and you are hoping to get lucky and catch a glimpse of my awesome boobies, DOES NOT mean that you can park illegally in the fire lane outside my home. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
Now go move your damn vehicle and don’t make me tell you again!