After my most recent post some of you my lovelies commented just how much you were amused by my potty mouth terminology and unique choice of words utilized in the sex study summary. Being that it is one of my missions in life to bring a bit of joy into readers lives, I thought I would provide you all with a wee guide to Empress Phraseology:
B.O.N.’ed (verb) To receive the highly coveted award ‘Blog of Note’ by Blogger. (Example) The Empress is itching to be B.O.N.’ed once and for all!
Cock lick: (noun) Someone that is recognized as being a major brown-noser. (Example) That Gertrude is such a cock lick. She would do anything to get a promotion.
Cookie: (noun) Female genitalia. Also known as a vadge or vajayjay. (Example) When serving dessert, it is very important to keep one’s cookie nicely groomed.
Ding dong: (noun) Male genitalia. Also known as a cockadoodledoo. (Example) He had a large ding dong and was quite skilled at performing the weenie dance.
Donut: (noun) Any hole in which a horny male sticks his thingy in for sexual gratification. (Example) After last call horny Stanford scanned the bar for a quick donut to bang.
Douche canoe: (noun) The highest ranking official of the douche bag army. (Example) That fame whore Spencer Pratt is the ultimate douche canoe.
Drive-thru: (noun) A random and/or one-time-only sexual encounter. (Example) That ho Daphne regularly engages in drive-thru’s with guys she meets off the internet.
Effing: (noun, verb or adjective) Favorite curse word of The Empress. Also known as f*ck. (Example) It’s hard to determine who is the biggest moron when it comes to that effing pack of jackasses.
Gluteolacunosity: (noun) Assholeness.
(Example) He displayed sheer gluteolacunosity and stupidity when he raced down the road weaving between cars and cutting off other vehicles.
Knob slobbing: (verb) The act of giving a highly skilled and enjoyable BJ. (Example) Prior to her man leaving for a business trip, Mary was seen knob slobbing away in the backseat of the car at the airport.
My lovelies: (noun) You my faithful and adored readers.
(Example) Life in the blogosphere would not be the same without you my lovelies.
Shit weasel: (noun) A person who is a slimy and incredibly conniving jerk. (Example) That shit weasel Bernard would do anything to further his own agenda.
Shit weasel: (verb) To stick one’s penis up someone else’s arse unexpectedly and without prior warning. (Example) She received a rude awakening when he shit weaseled her from behind.
Word Perv: (noun) A person who takes delight and is skilled at constructing, writing or speaking naughty phrases. (Example) The Empress is a total word perv!
Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress
You should totally publish your own dictionary. This is stuff the world needs to know! :)
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
ReplyDeleteI get so much enjoyment from your terminology knob slobbing is by far my favorite!
ReplyDeletehttp://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
Shit weasel is one of my most favorite terms ever! I use it all the time.
ReplyDeleteAnd I recently just came up with douche balloon, for when the douchiness just keeps inflating.
Good stuff.
Candice: Are you encouraging me? You know I'm already borderline out of control and jonesing to publish some sort of book! ; )
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@Cinderita: I will take that as a high compliment!
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@The Adorkable Ditz: Thank you, and that is what he said!
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@LilPixi: Love douche balloon. May have to borrow that one some time.
Now really worried about the fact that my high school nickname was "Cookie". Really hope as it was such a long time ago it had a much more innocent meaning lol
ReplyDeleteLMAO you're just awesome!
ReplyDeleteCBG
canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com
greatness! thanks for breaking it down for us. I tried to use douche canoe the other day and broke down laughing in right after the word douche...something about adding canoe was just too much for me. I turned red and cracked up. I had to come back to him about 15 minutes later to complete the insult and we just laughed over it instead! hahaha.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA. We heart you and your word perversion. No, seriously, this is better than urbandictionary.
ReplyDeleteOh my God please do a blog on sex moves. I'm full of those. This post had me laughing my ass off! Hed hed down under
ReplyDeletelol, that's just fantastic, and I am so going to start using some of those!!
ReplyDeleteomg that was the best language art class i have ever taken. that you i now have new and wonderful words to express myself with. i bow at the feet of the empress.
ReplyDeleteIt's like your own Urban Dictionary. You should consider seeing if some of these even exist there; and if they don't -- submit them.
ReplyDeleteThis was fun for me. Especially 'cookie.' I couldn't agree with you more. Keep your shit groomed, people. No one wants to floss while they eat.
HAHAHAHHAHAHA. I totally needed this laugh on such a sucky Monday.
ReplyDeleteAwesome post word perv :)
New fave term: shit weasel (verb). Fave example: When serving dessert, it is very important to keep one’s cookie nicely groomed. Fucking hilarious! I totally agree, btw. Nobody wants hair in their dessert.
ReplyDeletegreat blog post! my favorite is still douche canoe!
ReplyDelete@Mynx: If not, I'm sure the boys meant it in a 'tasty' sort of way! ; )
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@Canadianbloggergirl: THANK YOU! Here is to having a good laugh each and every day!
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@Jewels: It is a silly word isn't it? There is also "douchetard" which is reserved for the lowest form of all d-bags.
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@Nicki: Awesome! I may put together a 2nd edition in the future so watch this space.
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@Hed: Great idea. Were you thinking of a post collaboration?
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@DarrenK: Please help yourself!
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@becca: Just doing my best to corrupt my lovelies one pervy post at a time!
@Jeff: I submitted knob slobbing to Urban Dictionary and the denied my submission. Perhaps too pervy for them? I toned it down a bit and sent it in again for approval so we will see...
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@Jumble Mash: Thanks and Happy Monday!
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@Mrs. Hyde: I take this as a high compliment coming from you so thanks!
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@AmberLaShell: Why merci!
LMAO!!!!!!!! Or in other words, I'm a big fan. :D
ReplyDeleteIn honor or you:
I'm itching to get B.O.N.'ed also. I work with plenty of cock licks that I doubt keep their cookies/ding dongs nicely groomed. The number of douche canoe member is many (in my experience at least) - always searching out donuts to shit weasel. Pure effing gluteolacunosity - if you ask me. Clearly I've not completely mastered the word pervness, however am happy to be a part of the lovelies.
On that note - if the knob slobbing is done in the back of a taxi couldn't it be considered a drive thru? Just a thought. ;)
Absolutely bloody brilliant! Now you can publish your little book and Rabbit can publish his little book on Rabbitisms ~ will these be out in time for Christmas? What great stocking stuffers these would be. ;)
ReplyDeleteThis is soooooo instructive. And fun to read!
ReplyDeleteOh yes my crown wearing friend...a compliment of the highest order!!
ReplyDelete@HulaBuns: I give you an "A" on your word perv essay. Very clever!
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@Nubian: Love your thinking there. Bloody brilliant idea. I shall contact Rabbit about a joint venture : )
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@Mary A: Fun is good and a very necessary ingredient for this wee blog! Thanks for chiming in.
Maybe one day you'll publish your own dictionary. :) These words are awesome!
ReplyDeleteWhat? No cunt punt???? *GASP*
ReplyDeletemuahahahah i fucking love shit weasel
ReplyDeleteLove Love Love these! Awesome post and great comments!
ReplyDelete@Deidra: I like that idea. Although they would probably have to keep my dictionary is a special 'restricted reading' section! ; )
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@Rabbit: Sorry my lovely friend. The Empress is a lady and does not say the "C" word. But I love it when you do!! xo
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@Paige: Awesome! Shit weasel is getting lots of props. You have good taste!
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@SSW: Why thank you! The comments the past couple posts have been amazingly entertaining for sure.
I am one of your newest "lovelies". Came here from Rabbit's place, as we both seem to have a mutual appreciation and affection for him and his writing. Douche canoe is one of the funniest words I've heard recently. I have yet to fling it at anyone yet because I would just end up laughing my ass off, and that kind of takes the wind out of an caustic insult. - G
ReplyDelete@Georgina Dollface: Thank you for the blog love and welcome to The Ranter's Box family. Anyone that loves Rabbit is a friend of mine. ...Good point re: douche canoe. It is a funny word isn't it? And funny is good!
ReplyDeleteYou won an award on my blog, stop by to pick it up! amberlashell.com
ReplyDelete@AmberLaShell: Thank you so much for the award. It's always exciting receiving a brand new trophy! Yee-haw!!
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