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Dear Ghetto Rats living in the neighboring property,

While I’m certain you felt you were the absolute shizzle the other night when you parked your jacked up mini-van in the cul-de-sac outside my bedroom window and proceeded to party redneck style at 2:30am, I for one most certainly DID NOT. And I am fairly certain that the hundreds of other people you also so rudely disturbed weren’t singing your praises either.

Now I’m guessing that you probably love cranking your old and worn out “Now That’s What I Call Music” CD from five years ago on your shitty little stereo system and opening your vehicle doors so that everyone in a three mile radius can enjoy an impromptu concert while you shit-for-brains wankers get your drunk ass groves on. The rest of us, not so much.

Some of us, meaning those who weren’t a part of your scummy little trailer trash shindig, were busy trying to do important things like sleep, watch porn or draft church sermons for the following morning. Therefore, your sheer inconsideration and gluteolacunosity were most certainly NOT appreciated.

Should anything like this ever happen in the future then I shall be forced to unleash the hounds of hell and go kung-fu on your asses. Don’t make me tell you again.

Regards,
The Empress

Smoking hot... smoking NOT!

After reflecting upon a recent experience, I feel like it is time to get back up on my bitchy little ranter’s box. One of my all-time greatest pet peeves is SMOKING -- especially when done by asshat’s who have zero consideration for those around them.

A few days ago I was meeting someone outside a coffee shop for a business related meeting (and no Steve G. it wasn’t for a nude photo shoot I am sorry to say). Much to my delight, this particular establishment does not allow smoking on their outdoor dining patio or anywhere within 10 feet of the premises. There are large, highly visible signs on the coffee shop doors and windows stating that smoking is not allowed.

I was seated at a table a few feet from the entrance of the coffee shop. Seated directly next to the door and smack-dab in front of a non-smoking sign was an otherwise attractive woman and a less than attractive, somewhat older man. The woman got out a cigarette and let it suggestively dangle from her lips …no doubt inspiring the man to think about what else he would like to have dangling from her mouth …but I digress…

Anyhow, I looked at the woman and then at the cigarette with a bit of the ole evil eye. She did her best to ignore my displeasure. After teasing the man with her cigarette for a few more moments she finally lit the damn thing. Two seconds later in a psychological attempt to mimic chicky-boom-boom’s behavior the man whipped out a nasty cigarette of his own.

Well, I wasn’t having any of that crap so I felt it was time to speak up. There is of course no rationalizing with idiots. When telling Mr. Asshat that smoking wasn’t allowed on the premises he argued that everyone else (all completely imaginary by the way) was smoking so he could as well. I suggested that he refer to the sign above his table. No go. The jackass was determined to keep on smoking. At that point I went a bit dragon lady on him and told him that if he wanted to smoke that was his business but he had no right to poison the rest of us with his smoke --especially not the young baby seated next to my table.

As the show down continued, it occurred to me that I might have to go all kung-fu on his ass but he eventually backed down and put out his vile little cancer stick. All I could think was thank goodness. That and hoo hah! One small victory for the Smoking Police! In honor of that victory, check out this amusing video:




FYI: Along with side effects like yellow teeth and stinky breath, smoking clogs the arteries and causes both heart attacks and strokes. Environmental tobacco smoke (a.k.a. secondhand smoke) contains the same harmful chemicals as the smoke that smokers inhale.

Smoking isn’t sexy and it kills, so please Don’t Do It!

Noisy Neighbors from Hell… absolutely suck!

I was talking with someone close to me who recently bought their first house. One of the things they were most looking forward to was no longer having to deal with noisy neighbors. Now if you have ever lived in an apartment, condo, townhouse or any other type of multi-family dwelling with shared walls you can probably relate. Having someone else live above, below or beside you can be positively annoying. There are the crying babies, obnoxious children’s temper tantrums, loud TV’s, base pumping stereos, and full volume video games that come blaring through your walls at all hours of the day and night. Not to mention having to listen to other people talking, arguing, partying, stomping around, slamming doors, attempting to play musical instruments, peeing, snoring, having sex or whatever other sorts of things inconsiderate individuals do to disturb -- and ultimately piss off their neighbors.


Upon reflection this reminded me of what had to be my all-time worst neighbors EVER. No one deserved to have to live anywhere near let alone right next door to this particular couple. How they managed to slip through the cracks and actually be allowed to rent a luxury apartment is beyond anyone’s comprehension. What an absolute freaking nightmare they were!

The guy loved to take late night rides around the perimeter of my former apartment complex revving his very loud motor cycle engine while kitted out in Nazi embellished apocalyptic motor cycle gear scaring any and all passersby.

The chick was quite a piece of work as well. She had a nasty disposition, spotted multi-colored hair and looked like some sort of truck stop hooker – and probably was.

Together they holed up for weeks at a time playing war video games and doing drugs. And let me tell you having your a-hole neighbors surround sound entertainment center on the same wall as your bed does not make for a good night’s sleep. When those two Jerry Springer show rejects weren’t cracked out and playing video games they were either blasting Scooby Doo cartoons through the walls, having loud/violent sex, or she was beating the crap out of him – in which case the police would usually show up. It only took a year and a half for the property managers to finally evict those losers – at which point we all sang hallelujah as I’m sure you would have as well.

Like most normal people (and unlike those f*ckwits mentioned above) I have always considered my home to be my sanctuary. As such, the last thing I or anyone of a similar mindset appreciates is having some dick for brains loud neighbor jack up one’s sleep, peace and quiet, or personal relaxing time.

So attention all you noisy and rude people living in multi-family dwellings: You are not living in a barn or a frat house out in the middle of nowhere. You are living in a structure with shared walls so please show some basic consideration for the neighbors who live around you. A little common courtesy goes a long way. …I’m just saying…