Dear Ghetto Rats living in the neighboring property,
While I’m certain you felt you were the absolute shizzle the other night when you parked your jacked up mini-van in the cul-de-sac outside my bedroom window and proceeded to party redneck style at 2:30am, I for one most certainly DID NOT. And I am fairly certain that the hundreds of other people you also so rudely disturbed weren’t singing your praises either.
Now I’m guessing that you probably love cranking your old and worn out “Now That’s What I Call Music” CD from five years ago on your shitty little stereo system and opening your vehicle doors so that everyone in a three mile radius can enjoy an impromptu concert while you shit-for-brains wankers get your drunk ass groves on. The rest of us, not so much.
Some of us, meaning those who weren’t a part of your scummy little trailer trash shindig, were busy trying to do important things like sleep, watch porn or draft church sermons for the following morning. Therefore, your sheer inconsideration and gluteolacunosity were most certainly NOT appreciated.
Should anything like this ever happen in the future then I shall be forced to unleash the hounds of hell and go kung-fu on your asses. Don’t make me tell you again.
Regards,
The Empress
thanks for the laugh. I really needed that. I'm sorry you had to deal with that...I for one would have been outside raising hell with them...but the thought of "unleashing the hounds of hell and going kung-fu" on their asses is hillarious! Hope it's a once in a lifetime occurance.
ReplyDelete@Jewels: You are most welcome! We've all had arsehole neighbors. This is just my version of the letter we'd all like to write to those d-bags. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHey! Guess what? I am an absent-minded asshole!!
ReplyDeleteMy awards list was partly compiled under the influence of morphine (sadly true, actually) and I missed my little ranter.
And here you were nice enough to even comment before I realized I'd effed up.
My dear Ranter, my apologies for the delay, please find an award for you as well over at:
http://seriouslyreallyseriously.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-gotz-me-award.html
Please forgive the morphine-drugged-up-absent-minded-asshole. This whole medical emergency crap is turning my brain to mush.
p.s. I thought my neighbours' friends' yappy dog was bad. I never realized I had it so damn good.
So how do you really feel? Don't be afraid to express yourself or anything. Just let it all out.
ReplyDeleteOh, and you haven't seen me in make-up, just Chuck's little perverted fantasy:)
lmfao just do what I do...just take a huge dump outside their door...that's the best revenge ;)
ReplyDeleteHo Hammer don't hurt em!!!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletemuahahah too funny.
ReplyDeleteI would have totally gone all Kung Fu on them. Rude, obnoxious people just piss me right off. Whatever happened to common courtesy?
ReplyDeleteThe next time these neighbors decide to get their Redneck on, you have my full endorsement to take them right out!
http://candicesstories.blogspot.com/
where did you study kung fu?
ReplyDeleteare you a black belt?
http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com
Did you know that NOW is up to 76 installments in the U.K., and 36 in the United States? That made me feel old. I'm in the states, but it seemed like just yesterday that it was on #5 or #6 here.
ReplyDeletePreach on Sista!!!
ReplyDeleteNext time I am angry with my neighbors I am going to threaten to unleash the hounds of hell and go kung fu on their ass!
Loves it!
Jess
@Stephanie C: Thank you so much for the blog award! Two in one day? I'm feeling blessed ...effing neighbors or not!
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@Paige: At the time not so much, now for sure!
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@Candice: If it weren't for that ten foot iron fence between our two properties I most likely would have done just that.
@Charles: I studied down under and have a hot pink belt I like to wear with my tiara and lingerie ; )
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@Steve G: Did not realize this!
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@Me, Myself and I: You go for it girlfriend! It is amazing how people respond when you tell them shit like that!
@Doug Stephens: Yes, I am rather shy and soft-spoken so I will try and work on letting out my true feelings. ...Definitely want to see you in your make up, then I can decide who truly is hotter, you or Charles!
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@Falen AKA Thundercat: Girl you are effing crazy. I'm laughing my ass off just envisioning you getting revenge.
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@Donda: Please, just a little? It's so much fun to hear those bitches squeal! ; )
Oh Empress, where were you when I needed you. When the local dweebs rented the pace next door and partied every night, attracting even more dweebs. Horrible until the the night the police came and took them all away.
ReplyDeleteWell said!
ReplyDeleteI find that I often end up whacking their clenched fists repeatedly with my jaw bone when this situation arrives.
Have a nice day, Boonie
Hello, pet peeve of mine! Were I a mad scientist, I would develop a hyper-focused EMP device that I could trigger when these denizens of the decibel throw down their devilish din. FZZZZZT. Fried electronics.
ReplyDeleteBut, being a lazy ass, I just call the cops.
All hail The Empress. Good to have your supercalifucktasticsnarkery back. My warm fuzzy seems to have worn off too. Yesterday I was dancing. Today it is nothing but ass punches and cunt punts. Glad to see I am in good company.
ReplyDeleteI gave you an award!! Check it out!
ReplyDeletehttp://jumblemash.blogspot.com/2010/10/oh-stop.html
lol..that was too funny thanks for the giggle
ReplyDeleteMakes me happy that I live in the country. I would have called the poe-poe.and laughed when they got a ticket for disturbing the peace.
ReplyDelete@Mynx: Let me know next time and I will sort those little f*ckers out for you in no time! xo
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@Boonie S: Martial arts is the secret to avoiding that sort of situation. Have a great day too!
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@Danger Boy: Fried electronics? I like it!
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@Rabbit: I'm always glad to be in your company. Absolutely love the new word you invented! 'Supercalifuckitasticsnarkery' shall be the word of the day. xo
@Jumble Mash: Thank you kindly! I am touched and humbled by the honor.
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@Becca: Glad you enjoyed the post : )
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@Chick in the Chair: They deserved to have the cops called ...although by the time they arrived it would have most likely been for naught.
I really hope that whoever was drafting a sermon was watching porn at the same time.
ReplyDeleteLMFAO as I can actually envision you (in a white Scarlet O'Hara type gown, with a sparkly and high tiara-Glenda the goodwitch height, going over to the van, and demanding to speak to the head of the loser pack- going Kung-Fu on his ass and then the rest of his sheep- then spinning around quickly with a snap and a "humph" and straightening the now slightly askew tiara back to it's original place and leaving a cul-de-sac filled with blood and gore-then strolling back, head held high, white dress splattered in blood, and then ascending the stairs to your humble abode and sleeping like the Empress you are with the tiara placed carefully back in it's glass case under the museum light above. Good-night, sweet-snarky Empress of the blogging world. Good-night!
ReplyDelete@Bagel Fairy: You KNOW they were!
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@G: I love how your version of this story ended! Perhaps we should turn this into a screen play. That would be some best-selling shizzle! xo
That's what I'm talking about! Make sure you call me so we can tag-team their asses! I LIVE to open up cans of whup-ass. I hate loud, inconsiderate neighbors! Except when the party's at my house. Then, you know, it's all good.
ReplyDelete@A Bitch Called Mom: Lord have mercy on any jackasses we go tag-team on! That would definitely be some major whup-ass! xo
ReplyDeleteWhat goes around comes around... you've won an award. Pick it up here:
ReplyDeletehttp://bit.ly/bRgRwz
SD
@Simple Dude: Awesome! Thank you so much. This is really turning out to be my week in the awards category. Yee-haw!!
ReplyDeleteProper public thanks are in the works but I've just been too swamped to do it right this week. New posts coming soon my lovelies. xo