Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Oh, you mean you should actually work to collect a paycheck?



At some point in time we have all probably had a lazy-ass co-worker (or two) that somehow managed to collect a paycheck while at the same time doing virtually nothing to have earned it. This phenomenon is so prevalent that lazy co-workers often top the lists of pet peeves that employees have about the workplace.

For me, this particular pet peeve developed through countless years working in the corporate jungle with a bunch of useless good-for-nothing sloths. And I’m NOT just talking about the brown-noser guy who arrives at work early only to keep up appearances with the top brass but who then spends the first three hours of work drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, surfing the internet and wandering around the office as if he were doing something productive.

What I’m more specifically referring to are lame, non-contributory, utterly useless slackers like one of the annoying paycheck collectors that I had the great displeasure of working with earlier in my career. Let’s call this incompetent little blood sausage Gertrude. Some of my fonder and ever so endearing memories (not!) of skiving Gertrude include her:

• Spending half a day calling all the cosmetic counters in the surrounding metropolitan area to locate a special kind of sparkly, light diffusing face powder. Poor Gertrude was unable to get the top off her shimmery face spackle and she absolutely, positively without a doubt needed it for some alleged hot date she was having later that night -- therefore any and all work related tasks were forced to come to a screeching halt until said magical cosmetic was located.

• Throwing a huge pile of confidential employee records into a filing cabinet where they didn’t belong -- thus potentially subjecting the office to thousands of dollars in legal fines. She justified doing so by saying she was completely unaware of any wrongdoing.

• Skipping out of the office one hour after she returned from lunch so that she could spend the next three hours getting her hair highlighted. She told her colleagues to call her if they needed help with anything work related (meaning HER work).

• Hiding stacks of client work orders in the bottom of her desk drawer. She justified this by saying she didn’t have time to keep up with unimportant things like filing.

• Leaving work on her so-called ‘lunch hour’ for five hours so that she could go to the cosmetic surgeon and have a chemical facial peel. Upon returning to work 45 minutes before the office closed, she spent the remainder of her ‘work day’ eliciting sympathy from her co-workers regarding all the trauma she was forced to endure at the doctor.

• Packing up her desk no less than 15 minutes before the office closed -- every fricking day – so that she could get a head start on rush hour traffic and f*ck everyone else!

• Leaving a candle unattended at her home and carelessly setting her coffee table on fire. When she tried to put out the fire she allegedly burned her (good-for-nothing) ass thus earning herself a month and a half of paid medical leave – and sympathy from all. The timing of this particular incident turned out to be rather interesting considering the fact that some of her previous indiscretions had come to the attention of her superior but were quickly forgotten.

By the time I had finally had enough and left not only the company but the country itself, that lazy cow Gertrude was still managing to somehow get paid for using the workday to conduct all of her ever-so-important personal business. One can only imagine what other sort of clever work-evading tactics she has since developed!

17 comments:

  1. I think you should give Gertrude a break. Sounds like she was disfigured from the fire and suffering from esteem issues. LOL

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  2. I have had a couple of those types of coworkers in my time and I have long since lost patience of any sort with them. It's amazing how little they are caught.

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  3. I worked with a guy who was supposed to be my acting boss in our little (3 staff) post office.
    He spent an entire friday (busy!) afternoon on the phone ringing restaraunts to find somewhere to take his wife for dinner. He was looking for somewhere that served steak with gluten free bernaise sauce. Even when he found somewhere he baulked at the price and kept right on ringing places. It was shortly after that I had had enough and complained to his boss.

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  4. @Donda: Welcome back my friend! You have been missed in the comments as of late. ...As for effin Gertrude, she did all of the stuff I mentioned PRIOR to the fire incident and she definitely wasn't disfigured from the fire she set. It all seemed to be yet another cleverly crafted ploy to avoid work, garner sympathy and collect an unearned paycheck. Gotta give that wench some credit though, somehow she managed to pull it all off ; )

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    @Just Me: Thanks for chiming in! They definitely can get under your last never can't they? Arrrrgh!!!!

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    @Mynx: What a poxy wanker your acting boss was! What gall! Somebody (if you all hadn't been too busy doing HIS job) should have recorded him and his time wasting antics and then put it up on youtube for all the world to see. Good on you for reporting him!

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  5. @Just Me: Meant to say 'they can definitely get under your skin and on your last nerve'. Boils my brain just thinking about it! ; )

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  6. Gertrude sucks. I'm pretty sure she works at my school? I HATE how English teachers do so much extra work and P.E teachers don't have any.... really gets my goat you know?
    x

    http://corianda-corianda.blogspot.com

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  7. My friend works with a gal who calls out regularly because her garage door is broken and she can't get her car out. You'd think she'd consider parking it in the driveway if this is a regular problem, but no...she was gonna milk it for all it was worth...

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  8. This is so true. Here's hoping that the "skaters" will get what they deserve, until then...keep ranting.

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  9. Come on now. I frequently hide things in the bottom of drawers that I don't want to deal with. (Dirty clothes, moldy tupperware that I want to keep but don't want to clean out...) Surely that's an acceptable filing option?

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  10. @Corianda: I wouldn't be surprised if Gertrude left the corporate world and went on to be P.E teacher, maybe it REALLY is her!

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    @Crabby Commuter: The garage door excuse is hilarious! I'll have to remember to add this to my list of 1000 reasons why a person can't make it to work.

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    @ The Chick in the Chair Perspective: Thanks for adding your perspective Chick! ... And don't you worry, there are plenty more rants where this one came from!

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    @Lacie: Ha! Are you my long lost other sister?

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  11. The only reason these people get away with it is because they are " TOTAL ASS KISSERS"...they are the one's asking how their bosses weekend was and piling up paperwork all over their desk to make it look like they are busy. The main thing they do is when their boss walks by, they ask them a question so that it looks like they are working....what no one is realizing is that the MF's have been here for 15 damn years and they shouldn't have any fricking questions. Trust me, I know, I sit next to that B*itch everyday @ work....

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  12. @Anonymous: Wow! This post seems to be hitting some major nerves with readers. I am so not fond of ass kissers, brown nosers, lazy MF's or skiving beotches. I think we should come up with a plan to take those d-bags out! Once and for all!

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  13. How does she get away with this? I'm surprised she hasn't been fired!

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  14. Unfortunatley, I think today everyone should call me "Gertrude".

    Have done nothing since 1pm.

    Must.. .get. . .back. . .to. . .work!

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  15. Oh man, I've worked with people like that. They make me so angry I want to spit!

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  16. I worked as an employee with a team of others for a short time as I couldn't stomach the slackers so I went out and became my own boss. Best thing ever! I know not everyone can have that luxury, but I spent 90% of my work life being self-employed as is my hubby. I feel so sorry for all of you who are quality workers , who want to do good work, have pride in your work, your company, and your knowledge in the field , and have to put up with those who are the epitome of everything you don't stand for. They are usually making the same salary as you to make matters worse, right? Truly sorry for you all and hope in the next life you all come back as the boss and fire their asses!

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  17. @grrrl in green: I always wondered how she managed to get away with it. It has been 10 years or so since I had the misfortune of working with Gertrude. One can only imagine what that damn lazy cow is doing for employment these days!

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    @Mary A: Well, at least you are honest. A bit of downtime every once in a while isn't such a big deal : )

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    @Margaret: I'm spitting with ya too Sista!!

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    @G: It is annoying as hell and oddly enough some of those same slackers are also such amazing brown-nosers that they eventually end up in supervisory roles which only further perpetuates the problem.

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