Monday, April 25, 2011

Booty WHAT?

The other day when glancing over at the backside of a sales advertisement I did a double-take. There in bold copy were the unmistakable and rather gross words: BUTT PASTE. Yes, you read that correctly. Butt Paste.

One’s mind then starts to wonder if such a disgusting thing as butt paste might be akin to say ‘toe jam’ but instead applicable to the funk found in an unkempt keister crack.

Much to my relief however, it turns out that butt paste isn’t some sort of skanky medical affliction (but if it were no doubt the sleazy likes of Paris Hilton or The Warlock would catch it). Instead butt paste is actually this rather innocuous stuff:

Curiosity then got the best of me so I did a bit of research to find out what other sorts of weird and kooky butt creams and potions (of the non-hemorrhoidal type) that might exist. It turns out there are plenty, take for instance this magical arse powder:

Apparently one sprinkles this special powder around one’s butt region to help stop chafing and friction …from sporting activities, monkey business or what have you…

Then there is bleaching cream for one’s bunghole. Yes, anal bleach. Just a few dabs a couple times per day and you too can restore your backdoor exit to its former bright and shiny glory. You’ll have to use your imagination here folks because trust me, you DO NOT want to see the photos!

And on that note, I believe I have a bit of friction and chafing to tend to…

Happy Monday my lovelies!
xo The Empress


  1. That's too funny Chick. Keep up the wonderful rants Empress. <3<3

  2. I use bleach in the bathroom but never considered squirting it up my arse. I'm behind the times.

  3. omg too funny and now i know more about butt products then i thought possible. thank you for the informative post and for the giggle you're the best

  4. A lot of my friends that are parents swear by the "butt paste" which makes me ever glad that I am not a parent. I'm not carrying that stuff around with me!

    Just the monkey ass on that "Anti-monkey butt" ad is so wrong. haha. There is no end to the horrible things that people will market or buy. What ever happened to baby powder? There is nothing embarassing about carrying around a good 'ol bottle of baby powder.

  5. I swear by the buttpaste. Little Danger had a bout with mudbutt, and the paste helped keep him from wailing in raw, chafed agony.
    Also, and this is no joke, it's the same stuff lifeguards put on their noses, so you can also use it as sunscreen.

  6. Thanks for the laugh!!!!

    And all "classy" ladies bleach their a-holes. lol

  7. I used the butt paste on my boys when they were newborns. You want to talk about an amazing way to get rid of diaper rash? That stuff is the shit! (pun intended)

    As for monkey butt, if you have swamp ass that badly, excuse yourself to the restroom and take care of that...

  8. @Anonymous: Thanks for the love <3!!

    @Tony Van Helsing: Ha! Please tell me you won't try it? This is definitely another kind of bleach all together.

    @becca: Thanks sweetie!

    @Jewels: Maybe it is just me but that Monkey Butt stuff seems like it could be a bit kinky ; )

    @Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: Isn't that the truth?

    @Danger Boy: You are absolutely correct. Zinc oxide is the main ingredient. Would love to see a tube of that gunk designed to say "Butt Nose"!

    @Oilfield Trash: You are most welcome. ...Makes me wonder now if brown-eye bleaching is classy or not ; ) Love your reference to swamp ass. Hilarious!

    @Rabbit: Hey Love! Great to have you back. I'll have to look into that crack cream ...cause I'm a nosey nancy : )

    @Jumble Mash: I kid you not. Sometimes I wonder how this crazy stuff finds me!

  9. Would you believe that there are some folks who do Brazilian waxing that also perform anal bleaching in their shops. I saw it on a documentary once. Sorry, I did bikini waxing when I had a day spa but I'd be damned if I was going to start working on some asshole!!! hahaha

  10. @oilfield...all of the classy gals in Penthouse, that is.

    No one else is showing their a-hole to the world. It isn't ladylike..or easy to show off. Also, I would imagine that burns like a mother. Nooooo thanks.

  11. diaper rash..hope i never get that again...
    but if i have to start wearing depends and i cant find my gun, at least now i have some options...

    btw- i have not had diaper rash since i was a baby 48 years ago!

  12. So now anyone can bleach their hole, talc their monkey and paste their butts? Someone got paid to invent that stuff.... Maybe I should find a new line of work.

  13. @Bouncin' Barb: Seriously! One can only imagine what those spa technicians find when they are rooting around down there ; )

    @The Onion: Word has it that Sacha Baron had a serious booty mishap when he tried to bleach his arshole for a movie role. And yes, unfortunatley I found this out when doing research for this particular post.

    @Thank, Q: For doing it or not doing it?

    @Bruce: See how I look after my bloggy friends? Gotta give you guys options ; )

    @On My Soapbox: Apparently people will buy just about anything. Perhaps I will join you in finding such a creative new line of work!

  14. oh god, thank god this didnt exist when i was a kid. i would have seriously killed myself (and some monkeys)

  15. @Living Cheap: Thanks for the blog love! ...Lucky for those monkeys then, huh?

  16. @Copyboy: Would that be a cream, powder, paste or a sexual position? ; )

  17. Good question! LOL! It just has a nasty name.

  18. @Thank, Q: For sure. Butt Paste and Anti-Monkey Butt goop conjur up rather disgusting images!

  19. I use Butt Paste in the summertime, just a dab under my boobs and in the creases where my thighs meet; my skin is really sensitive and this prevents that damned Louisiana heat rash!

    In summation: Boudreaux's Butt Paste; not just for butts anymore!! LMAO

  20. @SolitaryAngel: Great new tag line. Perhaps you should license it out to Boudreaux.

  21. Yeah I like swamp. Booty I would freak some swamp booty


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