Thursday, April 28, 2011

How to have fun on Royal Wedding Day

The hoopla surrounding the Royal Wedding has reached an absolute and unbelievable fever pitch. Every media outlet from here to Timbuktu is eagerly providing play-by-play wedding coverage down to the very last glorious detail of the blessed day. Thousands upon thousands of common folk have been camped out for days along the procession route all in hopes of getting a firsthand glimpse of the wedding festivities. Bookmakers have been taking wagers on everything from how long the royal marriage will last to what color knickers the wedding participants will wear.

Quite frankly though, it’s all feeling a bit exclusionary seeing as not all of us received a prized invitation to the so-called event of the century. But never fear my lovelies, you aren’t going to be left out of all the excitement. I, The Empress, have strapped on my royal thinking cap. In doing so I’ve come up with oodles of ways that you too can be a part of this most special and momentous occasion that is otherwise known as The Royal Wedding of Will and Kate.

Please note that I may or may not have consumed copious amounts of vodka cocktails whilst compiling this handy dandy list of fun things to do in honor of the Royal Wedding. You may or may not want to do the same should you so choose to play along. It is totally up to you. But anyhoo, without further adieu let’s get this party started:


• Sleep. When you finally roll out of bed, be sure to enjoy a nice cup of brew in your very own “I couldn’t care less about the Royal Wedding” coffee mug.

• Speak in a fake British accent for the duration of the day. If you are an actual Brit then feel free to divert to pirate speak or another amusing accent of your choosing.

• Swan around town wearing a tiara whilst pretending you are a distant descendant of royalty.

• Insist that everyone who communicates with you refers to you as “Your Royal Highness”.

• Go to the drive through at Burger King or Dairy Queen and insist that you want your free commemorative Royal Wedding meal.

• Attend a fancy shmancy high tea service and don’t forget to taste the coveted spotted dick.

• Have a shot every time the media says the words “Princess Kate”, “fairytale wedding” or “the royal couple”. You are guaranteed to be completely off your trolley by 7:00am.

• Spend some quality time playing with your very own royal jewels.

• Shag whilst using commemorative and highly inappropriate Will and Kate condoms.

• Share this post with your friends and help pimp out The Empress. She is royalty after all.

Happy Royal Wedding Day!
xo The Empress


  1. We are highly amused Ma'am. I know it is on the telly right know and I am avoiding it as long s possible. I do want to see the dress though

  2. well i've been subjected to the royal wedding as mom starting watching it bright and early but i'm thinking i can find ways to avoid it might have to give a couple of your ideas a whirl. have a royally good day

  3. I am implanting all of the above, immediately, Empress. If any of them get me arrested, I shall simply state, "The Empress told me to." As you're royalty, I'm sure I'll be immediately pardoned.

  4. spot(ed dick) on as usual Empress!

    "Sleep. When you finally roll out of bed, be sure to enjoy a nice cup of brew in your very own “I couldn’t care less about the Royal Wedding” coffee mug."

    check...been there done that...

    over heard the wife bitching about missing the hoopla, cuz of work and all...not me...

    i couldn't care less about any wedding let alone the whomthef*ckeverRoyaltyWhat'stheirnames...

    but i love me an ACBF (after ceremony beer fest)

    without the bloggerers i follow, and my trendily now portion of my blog, i would not even know there was a wedding...

    *adjust tiarra and pirate eye patch while ordering a large portion of spotted dick at BK and mubling,

    "aye matie..."

  5. Pip Pip! Cheerio! A fine list, well bowled!

  6. Great post Emp!!!

    I could care less about the royal wedding. Now if they have a live fed of the consummation of the royal wedding I might tune.

  7. OMG, I'm ready to kill everyone at work. I can't get anything done, because people won't shut up about it.

    Yet, we weren't given the day off. Hard to tell, sometimes...

  8. Oh, I like the idea of a drinking game. But I'm too hungover from lastnight to play along.

  9. Just imagining a condom with that plonker's face on it gives me the heebie jeebies!!!

  10. @Mynx: Very happy to be a source of amusement. Now I feel productive for the day.

    @Becca: Have fun & have a lovely day too!

    @The Vegetable Assassin: Have at it. And yes, I will see to it that you are fully pardoned.

    @Bruce: You in a tiara and eye patch using pirate speak whilst ordering spotted dick is a most delightful image!

    @Danger Boy: I will take that as a full on compliment. Yay!

    @Oilfield Trash: I believe the royal consumation will be broadcast live at 10:00pm EST. If you happen to miss it, the DVD will be available for purchase next week ; ) Maybe they are having a go at this list and are distracted?

    @S: No doubt you can join in when they have repeat coverage of the blessed event running for the next few weeks. Cheers!

    @Molly Malone: Welcome back chickadee! I'm with you. Condoms with faces are a bit odd to say the least.

  11. You colonial peasants are only jealous because you have built a Burger King on all your sites of historical siginificance. We rule the world in overblown pomp and ceremony. And we all talk like extras from Pirates of the Carribean

  12. @Tony Van Helsing: Burger King is disgusting and should not be allowed anywhere in the world. Please remember that I am a citizen of the world so pomp and ceremony are lovely/most appreciated, as is the British accent. Cheerio my friend!

  13. I knew I should have worn my tiara to work. Dang! Now I will have to put it back into the safety deposit box.

  14. @Bruce: Thanks! You and Tucker totally made my day. I so appreciate the honor!!!

    @On My Soapbox: You can wear it as often as you like. The Empress says so ; )


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