Thursday, April 21, 2011

Is that a snake in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

If you’ve hung around these parts for a while now then you know that one of the characters I enjoy playing here in the blogosphere is none other than the amazingly bejeweled turban wearing and oh-so-prophetic Madame Ranter’s Box.

Normally the Madame is best known for making snarky but incredibly accurate predictions about those douche canoe celebutards that we all love to hate. However, her mystical talents do actually extend beyond the Hollyhood and into the everyday life of us non-celebutards.

Case in point, earlier this week my psychic meter was going full tilt and completely off the charts. So much so that I didn’t even have to dust off my trusty old crystal ball in order to eerily foresee what was soon to happen. (Insert creepy foreboding music here)

Much to my horror whilst heading down a footpath to the beach I noticed something lying across the pathway. There was a woman several yards ahead of me who was alternately taking photos and screeching like a little girl over whatever it was that was blocking us from passing. In fright I think she might have peed her pants, but who are we to judge?

Anyhoo, I quickly discovered that the source of her freak out was none other than a 3 ½ foot long bad-ass snake that was seriously considering eating either her, me or quite possibly both of us as an afternoon snack. Well, Miss Pee-Pee Pants wasn’t having any of that so she high tailed it out of there all quick like, wet drawers and all.

I was then left all alone with the slithery snake monster. Not good. Not good at all. However, being that nothing is ever going to jack up my lovely quiet time on the beach, I quickly morphed myself into The Snake Whisperer and started doing the best rendition of parseltongue I could muster. Harry Potter himself would have been proud.

And finally after being subjected non-stop to my awesomely convincing special mind powers, snake daddy finally decided to crawl back into the bush and terrorize some poor rabbits. It was only then that I remembered my creepy dream the night before. The one where I dreamed I was out running and had gotten bitten by a snake…

Okay, now that I’ve most likely given you all a serious case of the heebie-jeebies, check out this funny wee gem where all pride goes out the door:

Laughter truly is a universal language!

xo The Empress


  1. Hahaha, I LOVE THIS POST, partly because of the HP reference.

  2. i do not do snake they frighten the living hell out of me. i would would have totally been miss pee pee pants on this one.

  3. oooh, snakes, pretty. Do you have any idea if it was poisonous? Ok I am warped, would have given it a wide berth, but I wouldnt have screamed and wet my pants. Not unless I stepped on it of course.

  4. Thanks for the morning laugh-fest, Empress! That was hilarious! lol

  5. You are correct about laughter being universal.

  6. Can you imagine what the snake must be thinking?

  7. I always knew you were amazing, but being able to talk to snakes puts you on a whole new level of awesome.

    As for those guys in the video, good thing they were already on the toilet. Made it easier & more dignified for them to crap themselves.

  8. @Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: All hail the fantabulous Harry Potter!

    @becca: No worries. I'm guessing most people respond in a similar fashion.

    @Mynx: I should have known you would enjoy this slithery post. Not sure if the snake was poison and I'm very glad I did not have to find out the hard way.

    @J.Day: You are so welcome! Those guys getting the piss/crap scared out of them was rather funny, especially the naked guy at the very end.

    @Oilfield Trash: Laughter should be everyone's first language and then the world would be a much happier place.

    @The Onion: Yes, something along the lines of "I'm going to bit you and smoosh you and then eat you for tea".

    @Vinny C: Thanks my friend. We all have our special talents ...and yes, I agree whole heartedly with your 'crap themselves' sentiment.

  9. Definitely Heebie-Jeebee'd. Thanks a lot!

  10. It's creepy when that happens. Do you ever FEEL what's happening in your dreams? Like did you feel the bite?

  11. You are so full of WIN for the parseltongue skill reference, darlin'.~

  12. That's so fucked up!!! lmfao I would have had a straight heart attack!!! ahahahh I blew a hole in my jeans farting from laughter!!!!!

  13. That video literally had me crying. Of course, had that been me, then someone would have been murdered that day. LOL! I do not play with snakes! I will hurt anyone who tries to put one on me.

  14. Great Post - love snakes, behind glass at the aquarium.

    I confess I'm a jumper - not so much a screamer, but definitely not hanging around to see if it's a friendly dude.

    Loved the video - I'd be the guy who climbs up and over the stall, pants in tow - too funny.

    I can always count on getting a good laugh with your posts,

  15. @Copyboy: You are most welcome ; )

    @The Restaurant Manager: Why thank you.

    @bangyourhead: That was around the time I woke up from the dream.

    @Thundercat: I will take the farting a hole in your jeans as a high compliment.

    @Thank, Q: That was pretty messed up wasn't it? Still I couldn't help laughing at their expense.

    @Pearson Report: The over the stall guy was hilarious. Glad you enjoyed the post.


    funny as hell, but wrong non-the-less...

  17. My crystal ball is in the shop. After reading this, I had best call the shop and see if the parts are in yet.

  18. love your blog! keep up the quality posts!

  19. @Bruce: It was a very mean prank but as you say, funny none the less!

    @On My Soapbox: Let me know if you need me to loan you a spare in the meantime.

    @biboa: Thanks for stopping by and for the blog love. It always makes my day to discover new readers!

  20. Hey Empress: I followed your link from the Bitchy Waiter (crazy vegan post) and Lo and Behold, a great new blog to read! And what should happen, but a good snake story?

    Alas, I am with Mynx--I would not have run. I have a 7ft Colombian red tail (named Angel cuz he is one), a 6 1/2 ft Colombian red tail (named Dasza), a 4 ft ball python named Stryker and the kicker; a 13 ft Burmese python named Anubis (Egyptian god of death). My son works at the Petsmart here and we took Anubis out to play there today; we take turns bringing all our snakes out and about to keep them nicely socialized. If we had a nickel for every cell phone pic of our snakes floating around this town? I could retire early! LOL

  21. @Kim: Thank you so much for stopping by and chiming in. I hope you will visit often! ...It sounds like you are the true snake whisperer. Very cool!


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