Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Welcome to automated phone hell

Recently I had the misfortune to visit that nasty 7th circle of hell, otherwise known as the automated phone system underworld. When calling my beyond useless internet service provider to report problems with my internet connection, being the incredibly impatient person that I am, I thought I was going to go freaking ballistic.

After placing five phone calls, getting caught in an endless loop of gawd awful button pressing, being disconnected by the jacked-up automated phone system three times, and talking to seven clueless customer service reps, I was finally able to speak to an actual technical support person.

By that point two hours had passed and I was beyond pissed off …and hurling obscenities that may or may not have had something to do with the shitty internet provider ‘sucking big, sweaty, hairy donkey balls’.

The technical support dude who unfortunately drew my name in the disgruntled customer lottery may or may not have been amused by my passionately colorful comments. But either way we were stuck with each other. Together we wasted the next hour and thirty seven minutes fiddling with technical stuff that is far beyond my technotarded realm of understanding.

Only for him to tell me in the end that the problem could be equipment related and that we would have to see what happens over time. And if I have any more problems just to go ahead and give them a call back. Um, yeah. Like I really want to go through that whole fricking annoying automated phone system nightmare again anytime soon …because it’s just so much fun.

And while we are on the subject, here is an amusing little video showcasing just how out of control the asinine automated phone system thing has become:

(***PLEASE NOTE: The following video contains pervy humor. If your puritanical bonnet is tightly and securely tied around your saintly head, perhaps you might want to refrain from watching and instead click on over to one of those scintillating blogs for Victorian stamp collectors***)

Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress


  1. Man do I hate it when I have to call a customer service line. Absolutely dread it. I'll do everything under the sun to avoid it. Some companies are better then others... for instance cable companies? Their customer service departments are run by a bunch of sadistic pricks.


  2. I hate automated phone systems.

    Press 1 for English. Press 2 for Spanish.

    No mutherfucker how I press 1 until you learn English. Or press 2 to actually speak to some asshat who knows what is going on.

  3. Apple phone support is the absolute worst! Any automated sytem sucks for that matter. Great post!

  4. Oh please don't even get me started. I swear it's possible to have a stroke from dealing with phone/customer service issues. It's gotten so bad hasn't it? Great post.

  5. I once had a guy pleading for me to leave him alone after rinsing him hard for 2 hours talking about bank charges. He had it coming.

  6. @Simple Dude: I concur on the sadistic prick front. I'm dealing with both the internet and the cellphone company all at the same time. Two circles of hell for sure.

    @Oilfield Trash: Seriously what is up with that press #1 for english shit? It annoys the effing hell out of me...but that is an altogether different subject that hopefully I will have good enough sense NOT to blog about ; )

    @Jumble Mash: Too right matey! I wish we could just blow all those f*ckers the hell up!

    @Bouncin' Barb: A stroke or cardiac arrest is entirely possible, just ask my heart.

    @lyndylous: Why thank you my dear : )

    @Castmana: Give it to the man!

  7. I once had to call Dell for tech support. I got outsourced to India or some shit and I couldn't understand a damned word anyone said to me for a week. In the end I bought a new laptop and would have thrown my old one at them if I could have thrown far enough. Asshats. All of them.

  8. i hate automated phone systems

  9. I once had customer service with Windows spend almost 9.5 hours with me on the phone trying to make everything work -- and, it finally did. Service way and above the call of duty -- but, he could speak English! In America! WTF was that all about?

    My internet service, however, is a horse of a different hue. 99.8 times out of 100 you're going to get someone who can't speak English, reads from a script (that has to start over, every time they are asked an intervening question!) and still give you wrong information! I finally sent them an email and told them that if they could BILL me and spend my money, they could d... well talk to me when there was a problem accessing WHAT I PAID FOR! For that, I was sent a separate number to call for anytime I needed service... just sayin' ... a separate number... not advertised, anywhere... hmmm...

    Come visit when you can.

  10. Verizon tech support anyone?

    That video was hilarious. Where do you get this stuff?

  11. THAT VIDEO WAS HI.LAR.I.OUS! the phone help is annoying...

    SD and OFT said what i was thinking!

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  12. Just reading what you had to go through makes my blood boil!
    Deep breaths,dear Ranter! Deep breaths!

  13. I abhor calling tech support. I provide tech support for my Company, and I have certain expectations of basic ability in a tech, or in the ability to get one.
    I have never had those expectations met.

  14. lmfao fist me while wacking off! oh holy shit I almost ruined my white thong watching that shit!!!!! lmfao!!!

  15. Hahaha Randy. Hilarious. Yeah I hate automated phone systems and people who can barely speak English doing the tech work. It sucks.


  16. Thank God I've still got good bladder control!

    I just about fell off my chair I was laughing so hard - that was great!


  17. I don't know what's funnier...that the video exists...or that you found it :-)

  18. Oh god, I HATE automated customer support. I hate it even more when it is outsourced to a place where English is their second language and they read from a script (which I doubt has ever solved any problems).


  19. Yes i hate talking to people. Then when you don't know what their talking about or you can understand them and you feel like an idiot. But then when your waiting for something to happen, i like to have a conversation with them because their usually from some other country.

    Also that video was too funny. Picture message was priceless

  20. JUST-----------LMFAO! Period!

  21. On the subject of tech support ...from India...here's a funny guy who was on The Tonight Show last night Mon 1/10/11 and he does a bit that is really funny about it. Plus the rest is great , too. I think he's going to be a super great hit! Go Dan Ahdoot!
    Crappy video from Youtube, but you can still see it and hear if ok...

  22. @J. Day: Seriously, what is up with that shit about having to press one for english and then getting stuck with a c/s rep who clearly doesn't speak english?

    @becca: I'm getting the feeling the sentiment is widespread.

    @SharleneT: The squeaky wheel gets the grease : )

    @Mrs. Hyde: You know I go bonkers over those f*cktards at Verzion (the sucks big, sweaty, hairy, smelly donkey balls) network. ...I find the videos over at youtube whenever I am inspired by a life experience, which seems to be often. xo

    @Bruce: I'm glad you enjoyed the video. If anyone was going to appreciate it I figured it had to be you!

    @Jess: They should give us all stress discount for having to deal with those automated phone systems and useless c/s reps!

    @Danger Boy: They all get a big fat "F" in my book!

    @Falen: Pervy enough for you girlfriend? ; )

    @The Adorkable Ditz: Yeah, that Randy dude was a total freak, huh?

    @Pearson Report: Glad you enjoyed the post/video. Hopefully it didn't offend too many people : )

    @Chief aka Dad: Have a troll through my archive and you will find all sorts of crazy videos(swearing parrots, dogs humping lady's legs, etc)

    @On My Soapbox: I hear you! It is beyond annoying!!

    @Emily: Glad you enjoyed the video. Could you imagine getting that picture message?

    @G: Yeah, call me a crazy perv! ; )

  23. autmomated phone hell sucks but two hours is beyond the pale. I usually get through about seven different menus, lose concentration, push the wring button and have to start all over again.

  24. You have a wickedly wonderful sense of humour.
    I enjoyed your blog and the video!

    Count on me coming back for more.

  25. if i have to go through more than one or two "press one for blah or two for blah." i just hold down zero until a real person gets on the line. if you do that to the comcast auto-bitch she cops a huge attitude and says "OKAY, i'll CONNECT YOU!" and then she mutters something under her skanky digital breath about you being impatient.

    oh, and if it's the kind where you have to say things, like in that hysterical video you posted, i just keep saying REPRESENTATIVE!!! over and over until they get the hint.

  26. just sent this post to like 147 people. OMG. I am pretty sure you said, " fist me while whacking off".. this was BEAUTIFUL .

  27. You could always refuse to talk or push buttons until the system puts you through to a real person. A lot of those systems assume that if you aren't pushing buttons, you must have a rotary phone and are unable to do so, and they put you through to customer service. Works for me!

  28. @David L Macaulay: It's a freaking conspiracy!

    @Storm Wenger Chronicles: Thanks for stopping by Lola. I always love discovering new readers. And please know there is plenty more 'snarky' where this came from!

    @Jess: Ha! That was me yelling representative to the f*cktards over at DIX communications... ; )

    @Donda: Glad you enjoyed it. You have been missed my friend. Nice to have you back : )

    @ThePeachy1: Yay! Thanks so much for posting a link to my debaucherous blog. It makes my day to know that with you help I am potentially able to corrupt some brand new minds ; )

    @Deidra: Thanks for the tip!

  29. gave you an award

  30. @becca: Thank you ever so much for the award. I am touched!

  31. When calling customer service, I usually press 2 for Spanish, even though I don't speaka the Espanol. It usually easier to understand than the dude from India who answers the "English" side.


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