Monday, January 3, 2011
Snarky Celebrity Predictions for 2011
From time to time I like to dust off my psychic turban and amuse you all by playing gypsy fortune teller. Being that it is the new year I thought it apropos for Madame Ranter’s Box to toss out a few bitchy predictions for some of those annoying and half-witted celebutards that we all enjoy taking the piss at.
(***PLEASE NOTE: These predictions are meant all in good fun and should be taken with a grain of salt. If you are easily offended by snarky repertoire then please come back tomorrow or go find yourself a nice little blog about the virtues of doilies making. ***)
Anyhoo, without further adieu I shall gaze deep into my magical crystal ball and commence with my snide and silly prophesizing:
JUSTIN BIEBER: As a follow-up to his nail polish line, the twat head otherwise known as The Biebster will launch a Liberace inspired clothing line complete with all the bedazzling a boy or girl could ever want. Sketchers will next jump on the sparkly bandwagon and offer Justin the opportunity to become their celebrity spokesperson for Twinkle Toes Shoes. The Biebster will giddily accept their offer and as such he will be provided with a lifetime supply of sequin and crystal encrusted shoes from their princess collection.
KIM KARDASHIAN: In an act of revenge Paris Hilton will obtain copies of Kimmy’s top secret plastic surgery records AND release them to media outlets around the world. Unable to hide the sordid truth any longer, the Kardashian clan will stage a plastic surgery intervention for Kim on an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Kim will then be offered a starring role on the 2011 season of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab which she will oh-so-humbly accept but only for a ginormous boatload of cash in return.
KHLOE KARDASHIAN (ODEM): After the release of her highly engineered sister Kim’s plastic surgery records, it will be revealed that Khloe IS actually the pretty sister.
THE CAST OF THE JERSEY SHORE: Due to a certain nether-regions epidemic, public health departments across the nation will ban Jersey Shore cast members from using both public and private hot tubs. Municipal authorities will also require Jersey Shore d-bags and bagetts to keep their nasty crotches and manmade chest areas appropriately covered at all times while in public.
PARIS HILTON: The SuperMartXe VIP by Paris Hilton motorcycle racing team will epically fail after not a single rider (for any amount of money) will be willing to risk straddling their naughty bits over P. Hilty’s oh-so-skanky name that is emblazoned on their motorcycles. She will be too drunk or otherwise effed up to notice that yet another one of her ridiculous business ventures has bitten the proverbial dust.
MICHAEL LOHAN: After one-too-many incidents of verbal diarrhea, authorities will force slime-bag Michael to have his forehead boldly tattooed with the words “Public Nuisance”. Lilo’s asshat of a fame-whoring dad will also be forever banned from any and all contact with the media or paparazzi. People everywhere will sigh with relief.
BRISTOL PALIN: Disgruntled cast members from last season’s Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) will launch an investigation into the mystery behind Bristol’s unexplained reign during her time on the show. DWTS producers will confess to being bribed and blackmailed by Bristol’s jackwagon of a mother, Sarah Palin. Homophobic and hypocritical Bristol will finally get her just desserts when a raunchy sex tape of her doing all sorts of filthy things is leaked on the internet. Her time as a highly paid abstinence spokesperson will come to a screeching halt.
HEIDI MONTAG: A bizarre gust of wind will unexpectedly carry Heidi and her freakish balloon boobies off to an undisclosed location never to be seen or heard from again. Meteorological scientists will try earnestly to recreate a similar phenomenon in close proximity to her douche canoe of a husband, otherwise known as Spencer Pratt. In 2013 they will succeed and the world will rejoice.
And that my lovelies brings us to a close on my celebutard predictions for 2011. If you have any predictions of your own, please add them in the comment section below. I shall be forever grateful and amused.
Have a super duper effingtastic week!
xo The Empress
PS: I want to send a huge shout-out to my friend Simple Dude in a Complex World. Due to Simple Dude’s awesome blog pimping skills, The Ranter’s Box is enjoying major growth in readership. For this I am eternally grateful. And maybe just maybe 2011 will be the year when The Empress finally gets BON’ed!