Monday, January 3, 2011

Snarky Celebrity Predictions for 2011



From time to time I like to dust off my psychic turban and amuse you all by playing gypsy fortune teller. Being that it is the new year I thought it apropos for Madame Ranter’s Box to toss out a few bitchy predictions for some of those annoying and half-witted celebutards that we all enjoy taking the piss at.

(***PLEASE NOTE: These predictions are meant all in good fun and should be taken with a grain of salt. If you are easily offended by snarky repertoire then please come back tomorrow or go find yourself a nice little blog about the virtues of doilies making. ***)

Anyhoo, without further adieu I shall gaze deep into my magical crystal ball and commence with my snide and silly prophesizing:

JUSTIN BIEBER: As a follow-up to his nail polish line, the twat head otherwise known as The Biebster will launch a Liberace inspired clothing line complete with all the bedazzling a boy or girl could ever want. Sketchers will next jump on the sparkly bandwagon and offer Justin the opportunity to become their celebrity spokesperson for Twinkle Toes Shoes. The Biebster will giddily accept their offer and as such he will be provided with a lifetime supply of sequin and crystal encrusted shoes from their princess collection.

KIM KARDASHIAN: In an act of revenge Paris Hilton will obtain copies of Kimmy’s top secret plastic surgery records AND release them to media outlets around the world. Unable to hide the sordid truth any longer, the Kardashian clan will stage a plastic surgery intervention for Kim on an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Kim will then be offered a starring role on the 2011 season of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab which she will oh-so-humbly accept but only for a ginormous boatload of cash in return.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN (ODEM): After the release of her highly engineered sister Kim’s plastic surgery records, it will be revealed that Khloe IS actually the pretty sister.

THE CAST OF THE JERSEY SHORE: Due to a certain nether-regions epidemic, public health departments across the nation will ban Jersey Shore cast members from using both public and private hot tubs. Municipal authorities will also require Jersey Shore d-bags and bagetts to keep their nasty crotches and manmade chest areas appropriately covered at all times while in public.

PARIS HILTON: The SuperMartXe VIP by Paris Hilton motorcycle racing team will epically fail after not a single rider (for any amount of money) will be willing to risk straddling their naughty bits over P. Hilty’s oh-so-skanky name that is emblazoned on their motorcycles. She will be too drunk or otherwise effed up to notice that yet another one of her ridiculous business ventures has bitten the proverbial dust.

MICHAEL LOHAN: After one-too-many incidents of verbal diarrhea, authorities will force slime-bag Michael to have his forehead boldly tattooed with the words “Public Nuisance”. Lilo’s asshat of a fame-whoring dad will also be forever banned from any and all contact with the media or paparazzi. People everywhere will sigh with relief.

BRISTOL PALIN: Disgruntled cast members from last season’s Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) will launch an investigation into the mystery behind Bristol’s unexplained reign during her time on the show. DWTS producers will confess to being bribed and blackmailed by Bristol’s jackwagon of a mother, Sarah Palin. Homophobic and hypocritical Bristol will finally get her just desserts when a raunchy sex tape of her doing all sorts of filthy things is leaked on the internet. Her time as a highly paid abstinence spokesperson will come to a screeching halt.

HEIDI MONTAG: A bizarre gust of wind will unexpectedly carry Heidi and her freakish balloon boobies off to an undisclosed location never to be seen or heard from again. Meteorological scientists will try earnestly to recreate a similar phenomenon in close proximity to her douche canoe of a husband, otherwise known as Spencer Pratt. In 2013 they will succeed and the world will rejoice.

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And that my lovelies brings us to a close on my celebutard predictions for 2011. If you have any predictions of your own, please add them in the comment section below. I shall be forever grateful and amused.

Have a super duper effingtastic week!
xo The Empress


PS: I want to send a huge shout-out to my friend Simple Dude in a Complex World. Due to Simple Dude’s awesome blog pimping skills, The Ranter’s Box is enjoying major growth in readership. For this I am eternally grateful. And maybe just maybe 2011 will be the year when The Empress finally gets BON’ed!

35 comments:

  1. The HM one has a peeing in my pants.

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  2. Ha - glad to pimp you out, and even more glad to see some of the BON love I've been getting is making it's way over here too.

    SD
    simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

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  3. oh yes you will be bon'd!

    oh and you might get blog of note as well. :)

    i just hope the bitchstol palin sex tape thing doesn't get realeased...

    i don't remember much of Halloween weekend, but i came home with a about 50 shot glasses with alaska printed all over them and a f*d up rash in my naughty bits region, as well as, as embarassed as i am, trampstamp of stupid and bitchstol kissing, full tongue and everything.

    it sucks to be me.

    i found you thru the blogs well fed spirit/bitch called mom...(mrs hyde)

    i love this post. it is ironic that it is a circle of pain.

    i feel your pain.

    as a guy that has been in the construction field for the last 20 years, and food service for 12 before that, i have no diagnosed maladys, but i understand the idea of pain. there are very few days that i don't wish i could get a 'scrip to vicodin...

    i will stick around...

    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book

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  4. I wish you nothing but getting BON'd in the new year.

    I loved this list. I laughed out loud at many a point. Justin Bieber is the anti-christ and I loathe him. That kid needs to fade away. I take comfort in knowing once puberty hits the kid is out anyway...but good gosh I hate him.

    Great post! :-)

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  5. This are not just funny, but frikin funny! I actually pictured heidi floating through the air thanks to her ballon boobs! hahahaha

    I hope you get bon'd you deserve it!

    amberlashell.com

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  6. may have had a copy and paste error...

    sorry. :(

    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book

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  7. Can we gather all of those fuckers together and let them be the first people to fly one way to Mars?

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  8. @Copy Boy: Glad I could be of assistance ; 0

    @Simple Dude: You are the man! And I'm pleased to be able to say I knew you when...

    @The Phoenix Rising: Agreed!

    @Bruce: Thanks for your BON'ing support, it is much appreciated. As for the Bristol sex tape, good gawd, would anybody actually want to have to look at her ham wallet?

    @Jewels: Thank you for your kind words. Hopefully the BON'ing gods are listening! ...So, I take it you AREN'T a fan of that twat head?

    @Amber LaShell: Glad to know I brought some laughter to your day. Thanks for the BON'ing wishes.

    @Bruce: No worries mate. I figured it was either a booze or vicodin induced error ; )

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  9. @Oilfield Trash: I just spit onto my computer while laughing at your comment. Not very lady-like but you are one effing hilarious dude!

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  10. I heard that follower #200 won a $2500 Best Buy gift card or something. I'll wait by the mailbox for mine. LOL!

    Anyway, I think you made fun of all of my favorite people to make fun of! I definitely agree with the stamp on Lohan's forehead. That loser.

    Funny post.

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  11. I detest Justin Bieber with every fibre of my being and desperately want to slap him! And I have no idea why it is the Kardashians are famous? What exactly have they done?

    I luff your blog - it makes me giggle every time!

    I'd love you to drop on over to www.lottiespartacus.blogspot.com

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  12. I would have to concur with all of Madame Ranter's predictions! I have to admit the storyline with Kim Kardashian sounds like it could actually come true which made me laugh out loud!
    Next doilie I make, I am making for you!
    <3
    Jess

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  13. Brilliant as always darling Empress. I was a little surprised by the intro. Have you been getting annoying complaints by sooky lalas? I surely hope not.
    So do we print this off and tick each one off as they come true as they surely will?
    Hugs Darln and you will be BON'd I just know it.

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  14. I predict that Kristen Stewart will get pregnant.

    Although I am no psychic, as I pointed out in my own post today!

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  15. truthfully if they all fell off the face of thr eearth i would so not be hertbroken and great blog pimping you are so going to be BON'd these year

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  16. I change the channel whenever any of these people appear on my screen. So first let me say thank you for bringing me up to date on what I may have missed. And second, let me say you are too friggen' funny. OMG this is hysterical. Thank you for my laugh of the day. Hugs.

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  17. These had better all come true, Empress. Because I need them to. I want them to. All the useless people on earth who think they're celebrities but are actually train wrecks, need to be sent away to some cold deserted island somewhere near Antarctica never to be seen again. I fantasize about this.

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  18. I'm getting a message from the other side:
    1) In 2011, the Octomom will take pity on a homeless family in San Francisco and offer her vacant womb for only 10 dollars a month.
    2)You will get BON'd.

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  19. lmfao I hope this all comes true! I'm not ashamed to say that I can't stand any of them! lol I would pay good money to piss in their coffee ;)

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  20. Good quality funny blogging. Sure you'll get BON'd sooner or later! Swing by mine if you've got a spare minute, might be up your street. Cheers and happy new year, W

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  21. Hilarious! Great post. And I really hope you get BON'ed.

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  22. Awesome. Can't wait to see the new line of Sketchers!

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  23. @Thank, Q: And thanks for your kind words. I wish Best Buy would send me a $2500 gift card for reaching 200 followers!

    @LottieSpartacus: Glad you enjoyed this post. I aim to please in the laugh department.

    @Jess: Ah, a doilie of my very own?

    @Mynx: I had to put that disclaimer up as there is someone (probably Sarah Palin) that gets their knickers in a twist whenever I diss on that dipshit Bristol. Hugs!

    @Deidra: KS preggers? Gosh I hope that baby doesn't come out with a permanent scowl on its face just like its mother!

    @becca: Let's start a petition and see if we can get them all relocated to some dark and deserted place. Thanks for the blog support my dear.

    @Bouncin' Barb: Thanks for letting me know that I brought some happy into your day. It means a lot!

    @The Vegetable Assassin: Agreed. They are all useless, asshatted f*cknuggets!

    @Danger Boy: (1) That is probably not so far off of the mark as to come true. (2) THANK YOU!

    @Falen AKA Thundercat832: HA! You always crack me up. Piss in their coffee? Great idea!

    @Castmana: Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I'll definitely stop by your blogs.

    @Jumble Mash: Why thank you my dear!

    @Shannon: That would be too funny wouldn't it?

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  24. From your lips to God's ears! But, please, somebody, anybody, explain to me what any of the Kardashians do, that we have to give them oodles of money to be... I would hate to go to my grave without knowing the answer.... Come visit when you get a chance and don't forget to check out my other blog, Rockin' Chair Reflections, too! HNY!

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  25. Anyone who uses the words "snarky" and "twat" in their blog posts is MY KIND OF blogger! xoxox

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  26. @SharleneT: That is becoming one of the world's greatest mysteries! We should ban all things Kardashian related ...like people did with their slimey debit card!

    @Marlene: So glad to know you enjoy my word pervery! Thanks for the kind words : )

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  27. Christ, I hope that these come true.

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  28. Loved this, especially the Justin Bieber one....so funny.

    My Prediction: Ke$ha will fail in her New Year's Resolution not to be a douchebag, especially since she already is a douchebag.

    Looking forward to reading even more hilarity.

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  29. LOL I'm a not-so-closeted-Biebster fan.

    But I will love you *MUAH*

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  30. You should get BON’d for the most interesting word creation and usage!

    No longer will I be able to buy a baguette without cracking up!

    And then there’s ‘asshat’, ‘fame-whoring’, the ever precious ‘douche canoe’ and finally ‘celebutard’ – like, what are you on girlfriend ‘cause you need to seriously share it!

    Oh, and about Bieber – I’d love to see someone grab him and shave his head – maybe with one of those Gillette M3 Power razors Bruce’s Evil Twin was venting about. Then that little ‘twat head’ (love it!) could sue too and make a couple of honest bucks!

    Great ranting…I will be back!
    Lola

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  31. @Nicki: One can only hope!

    @Kristen Alyse: Glad you enjoyed the predictions. I think you are on to something there re: Kesha ; )

    @Poetry of the Day: Kind of spooky isn't it?

    @Annah: Thank you for being a good sport and still loving me. Hugs!

    @Storm Wenger Chronicles: Stick around my friend, I am full of all sorts of word pervy words. ...Love your suggestion for the Biebster!

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  32. You are brilliant! I laughed my ass off at the Khloe Kardashian one. Loved the predictions! Hope they come true!

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  33. @Mrs. Hyde: Thanks. I have a strange feeling that these predictions are highly likely to come true...

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