Air travel etiquette for jackarses

For the most part my recent holiday travels were thankfully uneventful. However, being that the stupid effing amateurs come out in droves this time of year and frustratingly annoy their fellow travelers, I thought I would compile a handy list of air travel tips for jackasses:

1. If you have never before traveled by airplane or are just a fricking idiot who can’t remember basic security protocol, then please for the love of gawd go to the TSA website and familiarize yourself with the security screening process BEFORE you get to the airport. No one wants to be log-jammed at the security checkpoint because you don’t know what you can and can’t bring on the plane or what you can and can’t wear through the metal detector. Read up and get with the program you daft f*ckwit(s)!

2. When traveling with a child do not allow your little demon seed to repeatedly hurl metal lunch boxes 15 feet across the airport terminal and past the heads of your fellow travelers. Either put a leash on your little brat or keep him at home until such time as he is capable of traveling in a far more civilized manner.

3. If your husband is randy old tomcat who is in the habit of checking out other woman while waiting to board the airplane and you are an insecure old cow, please refrain from trying to make out with said husband on the plane’s sky bridge. Doing so is gross and desperate. There are children around for gawd’s sake. And no one is the least bit interested in your crusty old man with the meandering eyes so get over it and let the rest of us board the effing plane!

4. When boarding the airplane, please find your seat, quickly stow your luggage in the overhead bin and then get the f*ck out of the way of the other passengers who are trying to board. If you are less than cognizant of the fact that those 200 passengers behind you can’t get on the mofo plane because you are blocking the aisle, then perhaps you should take a bus or just stay the heck at home.

5. If you are inconsiderate enough to travel with a young child that you cannot control and said child proceeds to scream for the entire duration of a three hour flight, then please know that you will majorly piss off your fellow passengers. Either give your child a pacifier, a nice bottle (of whiskey), or shove a big juicy tit in its mouth. Just make it shut the f*ck up! Or refer to #4 and just stay the hell at home.

6. While flying if you talk loudly, fart repeatedly, recline your seat into the lap of the person behind you, ram into other passengers while walking up and down the aisle, invade the space of the person(s) seated next to you, or otherwise annoy other passengers then you are a rude and inconsiderate arsehole who has no business flying and you need to stay the EFFING HELL AT HOME!

Now do I make myself clear? Good. Now don’t make me tell you again you friggin’ jackwagon!

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Happy Holidays my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Fame Whoring – Paris Hilton edition

Just when you think that ditzy, oh-so-innocent celebutard otherwise known as Paris Hilton has FINALLY gone away and crawled back under the rock from which she came, she remerges to plaster her fame-whoring ass all over yet another asinine business venture. And no boys and girls, it’s not an all natural, non-pharmaceutical version of columbian tang that she is hawking.

This time P. Hilty has decided (being the incredibly knowledgeable motorcycle expert that she is) that she would go out and get her very own little team on the world motorcycle championship circuit. …Because she needed a seemingly legitimate excuse to parade around in skin tight motorcycle costumes without obviously appearing like the super skanky Barbie wanna-be that she is.

From 2011-2013 the SuperMartXe VIP by Paris Hilton team will embarrassingly compete in the 125cc racing category all kitted out in hot pink and blue motorcycles emblazoned with her name. …No word yet whether or not the team’s racing uniforms will be rhinestone bedazzled with fluffy hot pink feathered trim.

Paris was so freaking excited about the whole ridonkulous deal that she tweeted “I can’t believe I have my own racing team! So cool! :)” And she even committed to attending at least five actual races during the next season.

Wow! Five whole races. How in the world will she ever manage to fit them in between all the crazy partying, paparazzi bribing, shopping, champagne swilling and raunchy table dancing?

Someone please make her go the effing hell away …once and for all …I’m just saying…

Fun with words – Naughty Bits edition

Recently while I was waiting at an appointment I had the rare opportunity to peruse the chick magazines, you know the ones with all the silly fashion, sex and relationship advice. One particular magazine had an article featuring the pet names that couples call each other’s naughty bits. And being the word perv that I am, you know I was all over that article like butter on bread.

(WARNING: For those of you with lily white virginal eyeballs and G-rated sensibilities, PLEASE STOP READING NOW. This post contains LOTS and LOTS of FUN NAUGHTY WORDS!!!)

The pets names listed ranged from flattering (king kong ) to amusing (dongola). However, I was much surprised to read that one guy actually admitted to regularly referring to his partner’s lady bits as a ham wallet …and that he was still alive and breathing with his wiener and both balls intact.

There were a few other names listed for the male and female nether regions but not nearly enough to satisfy my somewhat demented dirty little mind. So, I went in search of additional penis and vadge nicknames, all pervy of course, and here is what I found:

FEMALE-
Fur burger, meat curtain, butcher slit, fish taco, squish mitten, cooter, oyster ditch, pork steeple, meat locker, clunge, spam purse, cod pouch, finger hut, tampon socket, hatchet wound, cum dumpster, and honey pot.

MALE
Wang, schlong, willy, prick, johnson, shaft, pecker, boner, dong, knob, woody, chubby, pork sword, stiffy, tool, phallus, sausage, pocket rocket, trouser snake, one-eyed wonder worm, tube steak, pee-pee, mutton dagger, purple-headed yogurt slinger, meat whistle, and tallywacker.

And now that I have corrupted all of your saintly minds, please go forth and have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress


PS: I also want to say thank you so much for all of your recent support regarding Miss Poopy as well as for hanging in there while my attention has been diverted away on a major work project. And to all of the lovely new readers, WELCOME!

Somebody tried to poop on my parade

Recently I was incredibly stoked to be named Blog of the Week over at I am Fickle Cattle. Fickle bestowed this awesome honor on both me and my totally cool bloggy friend Simple Dude. And this special honor became that much sweeter when several of you were kind enough to leave congratulatory comments and recommendations to other readers.

Unfortunately the fun little high that particular recognition brought on ended up being rather short-lived. All because some rude person decided it might be fun to poop on my parade.

Basically someone now referred to as “Miss Poopy” felt that instead of saying nothing at all, that the kind thing to do was to say that she wouldn’t follow The Ranter’s Box because it contains too much information and it gives her a headache.

Now call me overly sensitive or just a plain old big baby, but I kind of understand what Taylor Swift must have felt like when Kanye West dissed the music award she received. Seriously, who does that shit?

And while I admit that not everyone is going to enjoy my blog or want to become a follower, was it really necessary for Miss Poopy to hurt my feelings by publically saying that my blog sucks and induces headaches?

Then add the fact that Miss Poopy also basically insulted Fickle Cattle for him having chosen me as one of his Blogs of the Week. I mean here is a guy who reads tons of blogs, has over 700 followers and is generous enough to help pimp out some of his fellow bloggers, and yet there is some inconsiderate jackwagon rudely disparaging his recommendations.

Was all that really necessary? Or is Miss Poopy really just a nasty, stupid, smelly effing cow who is jealous for not having received similar recognition?


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PS: Please know that I have missed you, all of your wonderful comments as well as the opportunity to read your lovely blogs while I have been away slogging it out at my paying career.
xo The Empress

Let’s pretend it’s November 31st and celebrate!

A few days back, on what would have been November 31st if there were indeed such a day, The Ranter’s Box happily crossed the six month mark in the blogosphere. And while the past week or so has been a bit of a blur, I couldn’t be more pleased to have achieved this milestone.

I consider myself incredibly blessed to have become acquainted with all of you and in many ways you are like this wonderful new family that is now a part of my life. It brings me great joy whenever I sign onto Blogger and discover new readers or see all of the many comments you regularly leave regarding my posts. And when it comes to recognition, you my lovelies, are beyond generous. Thank you for each and every one of the kind, funny and awesome awards you have bestowed upon my snarky arse.

Please know that while I adore blogging and hope that someday I am fortunate enough to find a way to make blogging a lucrative career, there are times where I will be missing in action for several days or so. This is only because my paying career sometimes requires every ounce of my time and energy -- and not because I have forgotten about you. So, I hope you will understand and continue to hang in there even when my posts occasionally become sporadic.

In the meantime, thank you for all of your bloggy love and may you enjoy an amazing and wonderful week!
xo The Empress

Silly things you thought you couldn’t live without

Bad news boys and girls, the majorly ridiculous and ill-conceived Kardashian Kard is to be no more. With many thanks to the consumer product gods as well as Connecticut’s Attorney General, the launch of this fame whoring, money grubbing celebrity pre-paid debit card came to a magnificent screeching halt.

Recently an investigation was opened to determine if the potentially dubious Kardashian Kard violated any consumer protection laws. In question were all of the excessive and incredibly sneaky hidden fees associated with the pre-paid debit card including:

• US$99.95 to use the card for 12 months;
• US$9.95 to activate the card;
• US$7.95 in monthly service fees;
• US$1.00 to add money to the card; and
• US$1.50 to speak with a live operator.

Once word hit the streets that the card could ultimately gouge the pocketbooks of naive and unsuspecting users, the Kardashian’s lawyers and crafty little spinmeisters went into full-on damage control in an attempt to salvage any damage to the sister’s reputation.

On Monday the Kardashian family attorney sent a notice of termination to the banks and licensing companies responsible for the card.

He also wrote in a letter that “the Kardashians have worked extremely long and hard to create a positive public persona that appeals to everyone, particularly young adults. They have been successful in doing so because they are recognized as honest, ethical, and fun-loving individuals who are kind and caring to others."

What the lawyer failed to mention was that as “fun-loving” as the Kardashian sisters may be, the whole pre-paid debit card debacle was most likely intended to be a money making venture -- or why in the heck else would they bother?

Then add to the whole sordid picture the fact that the University National Bank said in a statement (on Monday) that only 250 consumers had purchased the card. Yes, that is correct. Only 250 starry-eyed adoring fans wanted to unknowingly take it up the arse in fees, all for the privilege of carrying around a pre-paid debit card emblazoned with the faces of the Kardashian sisters.

Now maybe it’s just me, but I’m guessing that sex tapes are a far, far more lucrative venture…

Verizon Wireless – The Unreliable Network

The Ranter’s Box public service announcement of the week:

Verizon SUCKS BIG, SWEATY, SMELLY HAIRY DONKEY BALLS!

(Special Note: Apparently Verizon thinks that a paying customer’s ability to receive incoming phone calls is an optional service feature rather than the norm. And taking the time to properly investigate and resolve long-standing technical issues is just too fricking hard for them to be bothered. Buyer beware and steer clear of these money grubbing technotards!)

Shopping Curmudgeon

Dear Large Department Store Owner,

It has become increasingly difficult to even remotely enjoy my shopping experience in your store. To be frank, I do not appreciate being annoyingly harassed and unnecessarily accosted by no less than seven moronic sales clerks within the first ten minutes of entering your store.

Had one or even two of your store personnel bothered to say a kindly hello or welcomed me to the store yesterday then that would have been fine. However, to have instead found myself continuously being followed around by a pack of stupid jackass sales clerks who kept repeatedly asking me if they could “help me with anything” was beyond f*cking annoying.

When I calmly told the first sales clerk that I would like the opportunity to look around for a while and should I need anything then I would come find one of them at the cash register, I meant what I effing said. Therefore, I DID NOT appreciate having to repeat this same sentiment to the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh jack wagon that got all up in my mother frickin grill.

Please note that I am fully aware that your sales clerks ARE NOT paid by commission. Therefore it is absolutely unnecessary for your store personnel to hover over, invade the personal space of, or rudely sneak up behind your customers. And unless it is your goal to alienate your customers and ultimately lose sales, then perhaps you might want to invest in some training that will better enable your utterly daft store personnel to more accurately read the needs of your shoppers.

In the meantime, here are some handy customer service tips for your clueless sales clerks:

• Unless a customer rolls up in a hay truck all bewildered like some back-woods hick that has never set foot inside a department store, then a simple “Hi, welcome to the store. Please let me know if I can be of assistance” will suffice. Then leave the shopper alone to f*cking shop in peace and quiet -- free from any and all annoying interruptions by pesky, hovering sales clerks.

• Unless a customer comes up and announces that they are terribly lonely and specifically asks you to pretend to be their shopping buddy so that they will have someone to talk to while they are in the store, then anything more than a simple friendly smile from you is just plain overkill -- and nerve wracking.

• Unless a customer is seen shoving a turkey down the front of their pants OR emptying the entire contents of a clothing rack into their personal shopping bags without any intention of paying, then it is absolutely unnecessary to sneak up behind a customer, invade their personal space and lamely ask the customer if you can “help them with anything”. No one likes to feel as if they are constantly being monitored like some sort of shady-ass criminal.

• Unless a customer is seen holding their crotch and frantically looking around for a restroom all while trying not to piss their pants, then a customer probably doesn’t need your help with anything -- any more than they did when you asked them the SAME EXACT question five minutes prior.

• Unless a customer is found rocking back and forth on the floor, crying and muttering that they don’t know what to buy, then chances are the customer is completely capable of shopping on their own without a pack of sales clerks chaperoning their every freaking move throughout the store.

• If you are bored, please use your time to straighten/restock merchandise or empty clothing carelessly left in the dressing rooms by inconsiderate shoppers. DO NOT amuse yourself by following around, harassing and pissing off customers.

• Please make yourself readily available at the cash register to ring up the purchases of your customers. THIS IS HOW THE STORE ACTUALLY MAKES MONEY!

Now please get your shit together lest I take my dosh and spend it elsewhere!

Regards,
The Empress

Abducted by aliens

Have you ever had one of those totally bizarre experiences that completely denied any and all sort of logic or reason? Well, I certainly have. One week ago something happened that made me wonder if perhaps I was being punk’d by Ashton Kutcher or if maybe I had indeed truly lost my marbles once and for all.

Last Sunday evening after leaving my underground parking garage I switched on the stereo in my car to discover nothing but the garbled sounds of static on every single radio station that I tuned into. How odd I thought. Once I arrived at my destination I exited my vehicle and shockingly discovered that the radio antenna was missing. Gone. Vanished. No longer in existence.

All I could frustratingly think was “WTF?” and “who in the hell effing steals a radio antenna?” not to mention “oh, great now I have to deal with finding time to replace the damn thing”. Blah, blah, blah…

Then I commenced with a bit of reasoning and considered that perhaps the antenna had simply fallen off. Not likely though because I knew for a fact that the antenna was there the previous day when I was out tooling around town with the top down and the stereo reasonably cranked up until such point that I parked my car back safe and snuggly into its parking space.

Next I quickly ruled out the possibility of some disgruntled neighbor pulling a prank, mainly because I don’t know anyone and rarely if ever come into any sort of contact with other tenants.

I also ruled out some pissed-off fame whoring celebutard getting even with me for some snarky but true blog post I had written about them, mainly because The Ranter’s Box is anonymous and also because that whole theory is just plain ludicrous.

Anyhoo, things took a further turn for the really freaking weird when exactly three days later I discovered much to my surprise an antenna on the back of my car. Only this time, it was a completely different antenna but an antenna all the same. Talk about feeling like you are in the midst of some wacky episode of The Twilight Zone!

I quickly rang one of my friends who had witnessed and confirmed that my car antenna was actually missing off the back of my vehicle and not a figment of my crazy-ass imagination. When I informed her there was now an antenna on my car and that I had not put there, she was about as equally gob smacked as I was. Both of us are still shaking our heads in disbelief.

About the only plausible explanation I can now come up with is that some little green men flew their alien spacecraft into my parking garage this past Sunday night, saw my cute little car and figured that its antenna would make a great make-shift probe to stick up the arse of some poor alien abductee. And while those aliens were kind enough to return an antenna to my car three days later, now all I can think about is the nasty butt juice that must be all over it!

Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Blow and make a wish!

Dear Birthday Fairy,

This past year I have been very good and hope you will take this into consideration when you are granting my birthday wishes. I’ve really been working on directing my snarky barbs only towards extremely stupid human behavior and well-deserving fame whore celebutards.

I have also managed to reduce the number of times I royally cuss out jackass customer service agents to only about once a month which is a major improvement over this time last year. And while I could always work on improving the amount of times I hurl abusive curse words at f*ckwit bad drivers, perhaps we could make that a goal for next year.

Anyhow, I would like to respectfully request the following wishes for my birthday:

• One ginormous and incredibly decadent chocolate birthday cake;
• An endless round of yummy celebratory birthday cocktails;
• A weekend supply of vicodin to help knock my effing insomnia into next week;
• One gorgeous and ridiculously expensive new designer handbag;
• A fun, wild and crazy night out on the town that doesn’t involve being arrested;
• A much needed two-week tropical vacation to a beautiful high-end luxury resort;
• One hot and sexy man slave to use at my naughty discretion;
• And to finally get B.O.N’ed by the Blogger powers that be!

Thank you in advance for your consideration and for all of these lovely wishes that you are able to make come true for me.

Yours respectfully,
The Empress

DWTS - What a load of rubbish!

In the grand scheme of things, a reality dancing competition rates fairly low against far more important worldly matters like war and natural disaster. But even so, there is clearly something rather shady going on during this season of Dancing with the Stars (DWTS).

Each week that dull as dirty dishwater Bristol Palin garners low dancing scores and repeatedly lands in the bottom two against the other competitors, yet somehow she magically knocks far more talented and popular participants from the competition.

Granted Bristol isn’t as cringe-worthy when it comes to dancing as that previous gawd-awful nightmare contestant Kate Gosselin, but still Bristol could only be considered a mediocre competitor at best. Her top technical dance performance thus far would only rate about as good as the majority of the other participants’ performances on their very first night of the competition.

When it comes to performing and connecting with the audience, Bristol has been about as interesting as watching paint dry. She expresses no passion and zero emotion both out there on the dance floor and in all those disgustingly contrived video clips of her ‘real’ life. There are even some comedians who regularly take the piss at Bristol’s joke of a stint on DWTS so I know I’m not the only one with this opinion.

And then there is Bristol’s asshat of a mother, Sarah Palin, out there in the audience or in video clips acting like the illiterate hick of a jackwagon that she is. Quite honestly, her unwanted presence totally makes me want to vomit and throw things at the television screen. Someone please make that horrible woman go away!

All in all it seems that this season of DWTS is proving to be about as fair and honest as a crooked election campaign. Reality television production and politics have clearly become bedfellows and frankly I’ve had enough of the nonsense. I’ll be voting with my remote and no longer tuning in to watch Dancing with the Stars … so take that Sarah Palin and you f*ckwit producers!

UPDATE: A man was reported to have actually shot his tv set in anger when he heard the ridiculous news that Bristol had moved on yet again in the competition.

And, did you know that Chelsea Handler refers to Sarah Palin as the Snookie of Politics?

Celebrity Reconstruction – Kim Kardashian edition

As I’ve mentioned before, I have nothing against Kim Kardashian nor do I know her on a personal level. For all I know she is a kind and lovely person with an enchanting personality. Then again she might be a wacky, controlling reprehensible troll. Who in the heck knows?

Either way, most people would probably agree that Kim K. rates anywhere on the ‘scale of attractiveness’ from pretty to extremely beautiful. With that being said, I can’t help but wonder what in the freaking hell is going on with her face lately. Now is it just me or is her face starting to look more plastic than a piece of Tupperware?

Girlfriend repeatedly goes on and on about how she has never ever had any kind of plastic surgery in her life and that she is 100% au naturel. Yet the following photos seem to indicate otherwise:







In Kimmy’s defense, there has to be a lot of pressure to look beautiful and maintain one’s appearance in that crazy-ass town otherwise known as the Hollyhood. It’s either stay on top in the beauty department or end up sadly forgotten like yesterday’s old worn-out trash. So, who can really blame a girl for a bit of tweaking here or there?

And honestly, whose business is it anyway if she did have her nose done, or her lips plumped, or her ass inflated, or her boobs enlarged, or the fat sucked out of her thighs, or her face injected with a bucket-full of spackle? In truth it’s really no one’s business.

Then again you can’t blame people for taking exception to someone going around pretending that they were born looking genetically freakalicious while at the same time assuming that we the public are too bloody stupid to recognize manmade construction when we see it. Especially when that construction is now bordering on the frighteningly fake. …I’m just saying…

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey – Day 2

Wow! I am beyond amazed at all of participation in my pervy little sex survey. Things are going so well that we have even had a couple of readers that have reposted the survey over at their blogs. Thanks Sara and Shirley!

Because the comments section on the original post is growing at an astounding rate, I thought I would repost the survey questions for those of you that still want to participate. This is all meant in good fun so I hope you will play along, even if you do so anonymously.

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. Of the five primary sexual activities that include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation and anal sex, which do you rate as your favorite sexual activity?

2. When it comes to giving AND receiving, what do you really think/feel about oral sex?

3. What is one sexual fantasy that you have yet to enact?

4. Thumbs up or Thumbs Down regarding anal sex?

5. What is your favorite sex position?

6. Yay or Nay when it comes to sex toys? If so, what kind?

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex?

8. Yes or No when it comes to condoms?

9. If you had to choose between kissing, oral sex and intercourse AND could only pick two, which two would you opt for?

10. Which famous person would you most like to have sex with?


Thanks for playing!
xo The Empress


PS: If you enjoyed this naughty but fun survey, please let me know and perhaps we can do another one in the future.

ARE YOU GAME???

As a follow up to my recent and highly inappropriate summary of the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior’s major scientific sex study I thought it would be fun to conduct our very own bloggerific sex survey.

First off, the NSSHB’s sex study was strictly American-based, and here in the blogosphere we have readers that come from various parts of the globe. Our version will aim to garner a more balanced worldly view on sexual behavior.

Second, while their study was extremely comprehensive, it was also entirely too clinical and sanitized. Our survey will dig a bit deeper and aim to be far more colorful and spicy.

Third, their study was primarily focused on five sexual activities and whether or not participants had engaged in said activities in the past 365 days. Our version will be more focused on the sexy juicy details.

There are really no hard and fast rules to our sex survey. Just leave your answers in the comments section below. Answer any OR all of the questions you’re comfortable answering. Your responses can be as conservative OR as racy as you like. They can also be as straight to the point or as detailed as you like. And if you are shy, it's perfectly fine to answer anonymously.

Historically you guys have proven to excel when it comes to leaving amusing comments so I’m really looking forward to seeing how this little experiment turns out!

Feel free to post a link or email this survey to your friends. The more participants we have responding to our sex survey the more interesting and entertaining this will be for everyone.

Now for those of you that are game, let’s get this party started!


The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. Of the five primary sexual activities that include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation and anal sex, which do you rate as your favorite sexual activity?

2. When it comes to giving AND receiving, what do you really think/feel about oral sex?

3. What is one sexual fantasy that you have yet to enact?

4. Thumbs up or Thumbs Down regarding anal sex?

5. What is your favorite sex position?

6. Yay or Nay when it comes to sex toys? If so, what kind?

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex?

8. Yes or No when it comes to condoms?

9. If you had to choose between kissing, oral sex and intercourse AND could only pick two, which two would you opt for?

10. Which famous person would you most like to have sex with?

Thanks for playing!

xo The Empress
aka Blogosphere Sexologist

And the award goes to…

Being that I’m all about sharing the blog love I thought it was time to bestow some much deserved recognition on a couple of bloggers that amuse me to no end. So without further adieu I would like to happily present the “Your Blog is Bloody Brilliant” award to:



• Falen at Colorful Rants of a Fed up Sista

• Dan at From the head of the Danaconda

Both of these brilliant bloggers definitely give me a run for the money when it comes to being a word perv -- and ya’ll know what a big fan I am of pervy dialogue!

Falen is raw, real and no topic is off limits. From sharing humorous stories to answering readers’ often incredibly intimate questions, you never know what you are bound to find over at her blog. She also leaves some of the most hilarious comments at the blogs she follows.

Dan provides a fascinating male perspective on life. Whether he is recapping one of his wild and debaucherous weekends or discussing sexual relations, there is never a dull moment over at his incredibly funny blog. And his oftentimes naughty reader comments are beyond entertaining!

So if either of these blogs is new to you, definitely go check them out. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

Have a great rest of the week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

The Ranter’s Box is REALLY a blog

Dear Technorati Technotards,

Thank you ever so kindly for wasting the past week of my life by forcing me to repeatedly jump through all of your ridiculous and cockamamie hoops in a futile attempt to get my blog The Ranter’s Box listed in your stupid blog directory.

While I admit that I am somewhat daft when it comes to highly technical matters such as writing computer code for complex satellite networks or engineering space shuttles, I am quite capable of correctly identifying and providing both the URL and feed for my blog.

Please note that the screen captures you provided in response to my numerous claim requests are in fact from my actual blog. Therefore anyone with half a brain could easily conclude that the URL feed is both valid and working:



Further, if you once again refer to the screen captures you provided for my blog you will see that The Ranter’s Box is in fact an actual blog and NOT a product catalog, forum or the like as you so moronically indicated below:



Now far be it for me to tell you how to run your effed up company, but wouldn’t such glaringly obvious evidence like my blog posts, blog archive, blog followers and plenty of really awesome blog awards clue your jackass reviewers in to the fact that my blog The Ranter’s Box is in fact an actual blog?

One would think so especially after Technorati sent me an email stating:

Thank you for submitting your blog claim on Technorati. We have successfully crawled your blog and found the claim token, and your claim is now awaiting review.

Seriously, WTF is going on with your jacked up claims process? It has been seven days, six claims, three blog claim tokens, and endless Technorati excuses later and I’m still waiting for approval. Please get your shit together ASAP lest I get completely and utterly fed up with all of your nonsense and go find myself a far better blog directory to list my snarky little blog!

Regards,

The Empress


Yet another Technorati claim token: HKVRV8VTDXH3

Odds and Ends, Bits and Bobs

Apologies for being MIA my lovelies. I’ve been cooking up some juicy posts for you all but had to put them on hold while dealing with some technical difficulties in getting The Ranter’s Box listed on one of the blog directories …some nonsense about URL’s, blog crawling and claim tokens. But anyhoo…

First I want to say thank you to all the new readers who have joined our snarky little family and to those of you that have remained faithful followers and continue to bring joy to my day with all of your amusing comments.

A special shout-out goes to the always entertaining Simple Dude in a Complex World. I am still beyond touched by his ongoing efforts to help me get B.O.N.’ed (Blog of Note). He wrote this really cool post imploring the Blog of Note Gods or Goddesses to BON both me and the amazing Rabbit over at The Long Journey to the Middle. Many thanks Simple Dude!

On another note, after some prompting by a few readers, I can happily report that I managed to get a couple of phrases common to The Empress published in Urban Dictionary. Word Perv was easily accepted by their editors however Knob-slobbing took a bit more effort. Apparently one of the more conservative editors didn’t feel my first submission of knob-slobbing was acceptable. After re-submitting under “knob-slob” and sanitizing my example they finally gave the green light. Woo-hoo! Feel free to click on the word links and give your thumbs up for my words on the Urban Dictionary site.

Also, after reviewing today’s key search words for The Ranter’s Box it appears that I am starting to get a reputation as a genuine word perv. Can you guess which search words are my favorite?



And that my lovelies is all the latest. In the meantime, have a great rest of the week …and be on the lookout for a follow up post to the one on the sex study as well as something about BJ’s.

xo The Empress

Smell, what smell?

Just when you think you have heard it all, along comes a bizarre and rather creepy news report that leaves you shaking your head and wondering WTF is wrong with some people.

When Costa Mesa, California police officers were recently dispatched to investigate a vehicle blocking a driveway, they smelled a nasty stench coming from the car and observed what appeared to be a foot sticking out from under blankets in the front passenger seat. Officers quickly broke the car window to get inside and made the awesome discovery of a box of baking soda and mummified body that was several months old.

The driver of the vehicle was located and initially denied knowledge of the corpse. She later fessed up to the authorities that she had befriended a homeless woman back in December of 2009 and had allowed the transient to sleep in her car. She went on to further explain that the homeless woman had mysteriously died of an unknown cause.

But rather than report the death to the police, the wackadoodle woman decided it would be better to drive around with a stinking and rotting corpse propped up beside her in the car for an estimated ten months before being discovered.

An autopsy conducted on the body showed no obvious signs of foul play but the actual cause of death of the homeless woman is yet to be determined. Surprisingly the driver of the vehicle has NOT been arrested and investigators are currently deciding what if any charges will be filed against the mad mummy chauffeur.

Kind of sick and twisted isn’t it?...

Happy Halloween my lovelies and watch out for those scary ghosts, goblins and mummies!

xo The Empress


PS: In an effort to further pimp out my blog I need to add this special code to get on the Technorati blog directory: 7XNHBFYC7QFC

There is no way I’m effing wear that!

Recently I was in line at one of the big box stores and noticed that the crazy lady in front of me was giddy as a school girl over the fact that she was about to purchase her poor canine a ridiculously stupid Halloween costume.

Now I love animals and totally get the fact that our furry little friends often become like members of the family. As such I think it is totally normal to give Fido a cuddle or a special treat. But when it comes to dog strollers, pet bakeries, animal chefs and holiday costumes, well that is an altogether entirely different over-the-freaking-top story.

Animals do not get off being dressed in people costumes and paraded around like little circus freaks for the sole amusement of their insensitive owners. To prove this point here is some highly scientific photographic evidence combined with the amusing intimate thoughts of a few unwilling pets forced to participate in the Halloween antics of their parents:


“I’ve got your ‘Hello Kitty’ bitch!”




“I know Batman is really cool and all …but seriously, WTF?!”




"Oh how you are going to wish you had nine lives after I commence with ripping you a new one!"




"Yeah, I'll show you satan's lap dog you big butt face!"




"Just because you and your fat, lazy ass like to lounge around on the couch wearing a god-awful Snuggie and stuffing your face with Twinkies does not mean that I aspire to the same misfortune!”




“Ha Ha! Very funny. Don’t wonder why I shit all over your bed the next time you leave me home alone.”


So attention all you jackass pet owners out there: Please refrain from thinking that your animal is actually a human being that enjoys being dressed in asinine costumes. They clearly don’t you big stupid morons! ...I'm just saying...

Happy Halloween my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Rickety road sores no more

If you have been reading this snarky blog for a while now then you are probably well aware of my great disdain for that nasty, rickety road sore otherwise known as the minivan. Not only have I previously awarded those shit-mobiles with the Ugly Vehicle Award but I also happily take the piss at anyone who intentionally makes the choice to drive one.

So it was much to my delight when I came across this new commercial featuring a hip young boy making fun of lame-ass dorks who drive minivans:



Maybe Toyota finally got a clue and decided to send the stupid Siena minivan the way of the dinosaurs. Now if only we could find a way to get rid of sucky drivers (funny video included in link) as well. …I’m just saying…

Naked, Drunk and Swinging from the Chandelier

Our favorite prostitute loving, sex addicted and substance abusing Hollywood hedonist Charlie Sheen is back in the news once again. And being the Duke of Debauchery that he is, good old Carlos certainly does not disappoint with his latest headline making antics.

Sources report that the NYC police were called to Charlie’s fancy hotel suite in the Plaza Hotel around 2:00am after a loud raucous ensued. The cops allegedly found the suite in shambles with expensive chairs and tables overturned and a posh chandelier damaged. Oh, and there was also a high-priced hooker lady found hollering from inside a closet and fearful for her life.

Police officers report that Charlie was naked, irrational, intoxicated, emotionally disturbed and screaming racial slurs like a Mel Gibson wanna-be. Apparently the untouchable Two and a Half Men star was out partying when he decided to bring a whore back to his room for a round of knob slobbing and hide the salami.

The situation went downhill faster than a runaway train when coked-up Charlie supposedly discovered that his all-important phone and wallet had gone missing. Hooker lady alleged that our man went into a full-on major rage and started screaming and throwing furniture around like a wild Tasmanian devil.

Responding officers kindly gave the inebriated star the choice of going to jail or being hospitalized. Charlie, who is all too familiar with the big house, opted for a far more comfortable stay at the hospital and was swiftly admitted for psychiatric evaluation.

Mr. Sheen’s clever little spinmeisters are now stating that “Charlie had an adverse allergic reaction to some medication and was taken to the hospital, where he is expected to be released tomorrow.” Righty-ho, whatever you say ...I didn’t realize that Columbian tang was classified as a medication. But anyhoo...

What a lovely and wonderful way to top off a wholesome day spent with one’s young daughters watching Mary Poppins on Broadway and shopping at the American Girl doll outpost. Classy Charlie, very classy…

Just call me a word perv

After my most recent post some of you my lovelies commented just how much you were amused by my potty mouth terminology and unique choice of words utilized in the sex study summary. Being that it is one of my missions in life to bring a bit of joy into readers lives, I thought I would provide you all with a wee guide to Empress Phraseology:

B.O.N.’ed (verb) To receive the highly coveted award ‘Blog of Note’ by Blogger. (Example) The Empress is itching to be B.O.N.’ed once and for all!

Cock lick: (noun) Someone that is recognized as being a major brown-noser. (Example) That Gertrude is such a cock lick. She would do anything to get a promotion.

Cookie: (noun) Female genitalia. Also known as a vadge or vajayjay. (Example) When serving dessert, it is very important to keep one’s cookie nicely groomed.

Ding dong: (noun) Male genitalia. Also known as a cockadoodledoo. (Example) He had a large ding dong and was quite skilled at performing the weenie dance.

Donut: (noun) Any hole in which a horny male sticks his thingy in for sexual gratification. (Example) After last call horny Stanford scanned the bar for a quick donut to bang.

Douche canoe: (noun) The highest ranking official of the douche bag army. (Example) That fame whore Spencer Pratt is the ultimate douche canoe.

Drive-thru: (noun) A random and/or one-time-only sexual encounter. (Example) That ho Daphne regularly engages in drive-thru’s with guys she meets off the internet.

Effing: (noun, verb or adjective) Favorite curse word of The Empress. Also known as f*ck. (Example) It’s hard to determine who is the biggest moron when it comes to that effing pack of jackasses.

Gluteolacunosity: (noun) Assholeness.
(Example) He displayed sheer gluteolacunosity and stupidity when he raced down the road weaving between cars and cutting off other vehicles.

Knob slobbing: (verb) The act of giving a highly skilled and enjoyable BJ. (Example) Prior to her man leaving for a business trip, Mary was seen knob slobbing away in the backseat of the car at the airport.

My lovelies: (noun) You my faithful and adored readers.
(Example) Life in the blogosphere would not be the same without you my lovelies.

Shit weasel: (noun) A person who is a slimy and incredibly conniving jerk. (Example) That shit weasel Bernard would do anything to further his own agenda.

Shit weasel: (verb) To stick one’s penis up someone else’s arse unexpectedly and without prior warning. (Example) She received a rude awakening when he shit weaseled her from behind.

Word Perv: (noun) A person who takes delight and is skilled at constructing, writing or speaking naughty phrases. (Example) The Empress is a total word perv!

Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

Let’s talk about SEX baby!

In early October the highly anticipated National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) hit the presses. Being that I play a somewhat pervy Sexologist in the blogosphere, I was all over that sex study like white on rice.

This special sex study was conducted by Indiana University’s team of highly esteemed sexual health researchers and is reported to be the largest survey EVER of American sexual behaviors. And lucky for us, the Journal of Sexual Medicine was kind enough to provide a link where inquiring minds can access a supplemental issue of the first nine (9) papers of said study. So of course, being the Curious George that I am, I did just that.

Now when I first read that the study provides a description of more than forty (40) combinations of sexual acts that people (age 14-94) perform during so-called ‘sexual events’, I will admit that I was hoping to find a modern day American karma sutra complete with sexy pictures or at the very least some sexual diagrams to ponder over.

What I found instead was about 147 pages of somewhat sanitized and borderline boring academic text, quite a few graphs and lots and lots of footnotes. Not a single inspiring photo of some new fandangled sexual position to try out later on, or any photo for that matter, was to be found. Even so, in the name of research I trudged on ever determined to find some fascinating and juicy tidbits to share and here is what I learned:

• The sexual acts this study is referring to include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation, and sex up the arse. Or any combination thereof.

• While vaginal intercourse is still the most common sexual activity reported by adults, both men and women rarely engage in just one sexual act when they are getting busy. Sometimes they even forgo intercourse altogether and instead opt for partnered masturbation or good old oral sex …just ask Bill Clinton.

• Men are more likely to blow a nut when sex includes vaginal intercourse. Women on the contrary respond more to variety. They are most likely to orgasm when engaged in a cornucopia of sexual acts and when oral sex and vaginal intercourse is included.

• During their most recent sexual event, nearly 85% of men reported their partner enjoyed the Big-O, whereas only 64% of women reported having an orgasm. Seriously ladies, figure out what curls your toes and then train your partner accordingly …and definitely stop faking it!

• Sex in the keister is most common amongst those in the 20-24 age bracket with 5% of men and 23% of women reporting to have received a penis in the anus over the past year. By contrast 27% of men in the 25-29 age bracket inserted their ding dong into someone’s arse during the past 365 days.

• Adults in the 45-60 and 61+ age brackets have the lowest rates of condom usage, not more than 13.7% tops. This is rather interesting considering most of these people would have grown up in the time of free-love, orgies and Studio 54 -- and should therefore know better than to skip the all-important rubber when playing in the rain.

• Hispanic and African-Americans are far more responsible when it comes to suiting up than white Americans or those from other racial groups. Thank goodness somebody is listening to all those safe sex campaigns …and not because of you stupid Bristol Palin!

• When it comes to oral sex, a respectable 74% of men age 25-29 and 69% of men age 30-39 engaged in fur munching as part of their sexual repertoire. And guys continue eating cookies well into their 70’s with 24% reporting to have done so in the past year.

• By contrast, 74% of women age 20-24 and 76% of women age 25-29 did a bit of knob slobbing in the last year. And big shout out to the 23% of ladies age 60-69 who continue to indulge their men with their special oral tricks. Go you sexy vixens!

And that my lovelies is the hip, condensed and highly inappropriate synopsis of the NSSHB. Hope you enjoyed it!

Talk about being a good sport

The other day I was doing some all-important and very necessary blog research for you my lovelies when I came across a recent episode of Thintervention by fitness guru Jackie Warner. Yeah, yeah it seems like yet another been-there-done-that stupid reality weight loss show, and for the most part it is. There is the typical petty bickering amongst cast mates, crazy work out routines and those par for the course weigh-ins at the end of each show. Throw in a former Real Housewives of the OC cast member and you have yourself guaranteed tears and drama. Blah, blah, blah…

So anyhow, on this particularly sexy and scintillating episode Jackie decided that she would mix things up a bit and have the participants learn a Pussycat Dolls routine for their group workout. Being that most of the cast members are women, the workout was most likely a welcome reprieve from weights, rowing or whatever testosterone laden physical stuff they normally have to endure. For the two guys on the show, having to learn a burlesque style dance and then compete in a group dance-off, was probably not so welcome.

One of the guys, the oh-so-funny Brian T. Donovan, decided he would be a good sport and make the most of the situation. And let me tell you girlfriend, Brian totally rocked his inner diva:

Thintervention with Jackie Warner - Videos - Dance Off | Bravo TV Official Site

(Sorry about the stupid commercial guys I wasn’t able to edit it out)

After watching that hilarious spectacle courtesy of Brian, doesn’t it make you want to get up shake your ass and get your freak on?

Have a fantabulous day, night or whatever my lovelies!

xo The Empress

Smile and say Big Boobies!

It’s Monday and it’s dreary outside so here is something to help get your week started on a perky note:



Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Holy smoking cat bootay!

Once upon a time while I was off on an overseas adventure I went away for the weekend to a renowned war plane show that was held in a gorgeous and picturesque little town out in the middle of nowhere. On this particular weekend the small town was about as crammed full of tourists as Mariah Carey in one of her ridiculously tight sausage dresses.

Both accommodation and restaurant bookings had to be made far in advance. Luckily for me I had a few connections and was fortunate enough to be able to stay at a rather flash bed and breakfast inn. The proprietor referred me to some nice local dining establishments, one of which was called The White House.

Upon arriving for dinner at The White House I was quite pleased to find a beautiful old house that had been turned into a restaurant. My dinner companion and I were escorted to a prime table right next to a large stone fireplace that was roaring with a cozy fire. How lovely I thought.

Once seated and enjoying a delicious glass of wine, out of nowhere came this wee little cat that proceeded to crawl up on my lap and make itself at home. Now the last time I encountered a feline in a dining establishment was a three-legged-one-eyed cat in some restaurant in Mexico. But being that this was clearly a house cat and not some mangy mongrel I decided to opt for the whole 'when in Rome' thing and let the sweet little kitty stay put.

All was good until such point that a second critter, a.k.a. alpha Bully Cat decided that the first kitty could take an effing hike. Bully Cat chased Sweet Kitty off my lap and settled in for a snooze. Sweet Kitty went all passive-aggressive and found Bully Cat’s favorite spot on the bear skin rug in front of the fire (right next to my table) -- and proceeded to take a ginormous piss.

Out of the shadows came the restaurant owner with a spray bottle full of magic purple ‘cat-pee-be-gone’ and he commenced with cleaning up the mess as if stuff like that happened every day. Sweet Kitty was summarily shooed away by the owner.

After Sweet Kitty was gone, Bully Cat decided to move off of my lap and over to the chair next to me. About that time dinner was served, the wine was flowing, the fire was crackling, and all was right in the world …or so we thought.

All of a sudden I heard this loud hissing screech. Bully Cat then jumped up like he had been catapulted out of a rocket cannon …eyes all crazy looking and ass-hair smoking. Apparently an ember had shot from the fire and landed smack dab on Bully Cat’s arsehole.

And somewhere in a dark corner Sweet Kitty quietly smiled and thought to himself “karma’s a bitch ain’t it?”

Happy Weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

X-Rated Trip to the Zoo

A few weeks back Charles over at In Review: Stuff and Things was discussing nana boobs, prostitution and the intelligence level of monkeys. Apparently not only can monkeys be taught the value of currency, they have also been observed exchanging said currency for sex.

Yes, you read that correctly. SEX. Our little monkey friends are incredibly smart little bastards. And some of them, like the chimp in the following video, are prone to getting up to some mighty freaky shit as well:

(WARNING: This video contains kinky monkey porn. If you find this particular subject matter offensive please do not click PLAY. And yes, I am talking to you “Anonymous”, so just go ahead and take your crusty old vadge or shriveled up little penis over to a blog that discusses the virtues of coupon-clipping or something as equally boring. This blog is for the cool kids!)




And to think I was once shocked to see a couple of lions doing the nasty a mere two feet away from a glass enclosure at the zoo. But after witnessing this chimpanzee sexual predator putting on a show for a group of school kids, I must admit I was rather bewildered. Although probably not as bewildered as the teacher who had to explain what the weird monkey was doing to that poor little froggy. …I’m just saying…

Yeah, I’m talking to you Anonymous

Maybe it’s because I’m still fairly new to the blogosphere or perhaps it has always been this way, but lately it seems there have been quite a few rude comments left on various blog sites I frequent. The kind of comments I am referring to generally have little or no relevance to the topic the blogger has written about. Often these types of comments are purely absurd, disgustingly racist or just plain mean. And these particular asinine comments always seem to be written anonymously by some big frickin’ wanker.

Perhaps it’s just me, but frankly I’m fed up with it. And while not everyone will agree with all of the viewpoints expressed by a blogger, leaving a nasty or downright belligerent comment on someone’s blog just for the sake of being a jerk is just plain wrong. If someone is going to be a ginormously ugly dick and engage in that sort of behavior, then the least they could do would be to NOT act cowardly by hiding behind the word “Anonymous”.

Now it is always possible that sad little “Anonymous” has nothing better to do with their time than childishly insult bloggers. Or perhaps they are clueless morons and don’t realize the amount of time, effort and thought that goes into every single post written by a blogger. Maybe they can’t comprehend the fact that some of us bloggers literally spend countless hours writing, drawing, researching and putting together materials for our blog. Or that we often carefully consider the content we post and try to anticipate how it will be received by our readers.

Quite often our posts involve baring our souls and our life experiences. Sometimes our posts are merely geared toward entertaining our readers. Either way it should be obvious that all of the effort we put forth at the very least deserves a bit of respect.

So to all the asshats trolling around the blogosphere and hiding behind the name “Anonymous” I say pull up your skirt, grab your balls and effing man up once and for all. Those of us whom you so blatantly criticize would love to have the opportunity to check out your blog(s) and see just why it is that you think you reign supreme almighty ruler of the blogging world. And we might even want to leave a comment or two on your oh-so-perfect blog(s).

In the meantime, if you can’t start playing nice “Anonymous” then why don’t you go suck on this lovely award I just received from Rabbit over at The Long Journey to the Middle:



Cheerio you “Anonymous” shit weasel!

Make that seven, I’m officially in heaven!

Not to brag too much but Rabbit over at The Long Journey to the Middle just made my day by bestowing me with my choice of three positively hilarious blog awards. So as much as I have a wee thing for ginormous ding dongs, I think I will opt for this award:



because right now I am feeling pretty awesome, and well you guys probably already guessed that the “eff” word is my all-time favorite curse word. THANK YOU Rabbit!

And never fear my lovelies, I have some upcoming snarky and/or pervy posts in the works.

Thanks for your continued love, support and incredibly amusing comments.
xo The Empress

Six times in one week feels so damn good!

Holy guacamole Batman! It might be time to start building a trophy case… This week, despite my apparent neglect of my faithful followers, I discovered that I was bestowed with not one but SIX amazingly incredible and awesome blog awards:

The “Ass Kickin’ Beer Drinkin’ Blog Award!” from Simple Dude in a Complex World.




The “Versatile Blogger” award from Jumble Mash.

The “One Lovely Blog” award from Mynx at Dribble, Molly at Cynicism isn’t an Option …It’s a Lifestyle, Stephanie at Seriously Really Seriously, and Candice at Thoughts by Candice.


Over the past two months I have also received additional awards including:

The “I Heart Your Blog” award and the “Keeps Me from Killing Blog Award” from Donda at My Husband Misunderstood When I Said I Was Bi.




The “A Blog With Substance” award from Jumble Mash.

The “Versatile Blogger” award from PrincessBeks at The Princess Diaries.

Thank you to each and every one of you for recognizing and giving credit to my snarky little blog. I feel truly honored. …Now let’s go party ‘cause it’s the weekend baby!

xo The Empress

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming

Dear Ghetto Rats living in the neighboring property,

While I’m certain you felt you were the absolute shizzle the other night when you parked your jacked up mini-van in the cul-de-sac outside my bedroom window and proceeded to party redneck style at 2:30am, I for one most certainly DID NOT. And I am fairly certain that the hundreds of other people you also so rudely disturbed weren’t singing your praises either.

Now I’m guessing that you probably love cranking your old and worn out “Now That’s What I Call Music” CD from five years ago on your shitty little stereo system and opening your vehicle doors so that everyone in a three mile radius can enjoy an impromptu concert while you shit-for-brains wankers get your drunk ass groves on. The rest of us, not so much.

Some of us, meaning those who weren’t a part of your scummy little trailer trash shindig, were busy trying to do important things like sleep, watch porn or draft church sermons for the following morning. Therefore, your sheer inconsideration and gluteolacunosity were most certainly NOT appreciated.

Should anything like this ever happen in the future then I shall be forced to unleash the hounds of hell and go kung-fu on your asses. Don’t make me tell you again.

Regards,
The Empress

Feeling some of that aloha spirit

Sometimes it’s good to take a wee break from all the snarky ranting and instead focus on the positive things that we all have to be thankful for. And whether that gratitude is for a beautiful sunny day, an unexpected chance to race against your favorite luxury vehicle up a steep and winding road, the amazing people in your life --or even just some awesome hot steamy sex, taking a moment to acknowledge and give thanks is so important.

So as we start off the new month remember that life is short, so live large, laugh often and love deeply…



Aloha my lovelies!
xo The Empress