Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Fun with words – Naughty Bits Edition Part Deux

Once while waiting at an appointment I had the rare opportunity to peruse the chick magazines, you know the ones with all the silly fashion, sex and relationship advice. One particular magazine had an article featuring the pet names that couples call each other’s naughty bits. And being the word perv that I am, you know I was all over that article like bread on butter.

(***WARNING: For those of you with lily white virginal eyeballs and G-rated sensibilities, PLEASE STOP READING NOW. This post contains LOTS and LOTS of FUN NAUGHTY WORDS!!!***)

The pets names listed ranged from flattering (king kong) to amusing (dongola). However, I was very much surprised to read that one guy actually admitted to habitually referring to his partner’s lady bits as a "ham wallet" …and that he was still alive and breathing with his weiner and both balls fully intact.

There were a few other names listed for the male and female nether regions but not nearly enough to satisfy my obviously demented dirty little mind. So, I went in search of additional penis and vadge nicknames, all pervy of course, and here is what I found:

Boobies, ta-ta’s, tits, breasticles, hooters, knockers, jugs, melons, cans, boobs, yabbos, honkers, skin sacks, rib cushions, gazongas, torpedoes, dirty pillows, pontoons, headlights, bazookas, rack, cantaloupes, twin peaks, butter bags, roundies, ottomans, sweater meat, love bubbles, boobage, and fun bags.

Fur burger, meat curtain, butcher slit, fish taco, squish mitten, cooter, kitty, oyster ditch, pork steeple, meat locker, muff, hairy doughnut, spam purse, cod pouch, finger hut, poontang, whisker biscuit, tampon socket, camel toe, goop chute, fish lips, sperm sucker, hatchet wound, cum dumpster, panty taco, cock socket, Notorious V.A.G., Black & Decker pecker wrecker, twat, glory hole, beef sheath, fun hatch, and honey pot.

Cock-a-doodle-do, willy, schlong, main brain, prick, johnson, shaft, pecker, boner, dong, knob, woody, chubby, magic wand, pork sword, stiffy, tool, phallus, kitty massager, sausage, wang, pocket rocket, trouser snake, vadge slayer, ding dong, john thomas, one-eyed wonder worm, tube steak, family jewels, skin flute, pee-pee, mutton dagger, purple helmet, rooster, twig, weiner, disco stick, blow pole, tallywacker, meat whistle, and bologna pony.

And now that I have further corrupted all of your saintly minds, please go forth and have an amazingly fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

PS: Please feel free to leave your own favorite names for naughty bits in the comment section below. You get extra points for creativity and vulgarity!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Car No Go

After experiencing a recent and rather shocking case of extremely poor customer service, I thought I would share it with you because that is what we often do here at The Ranter’s Box. We rant and take the piss at stupid human behavior and/or businesses that have no business providing so-called service to the general public.

Today’s rant features shitty customer service at the car wash. Following is a recap of the rather unfortunate event:

• Drive perfectly-functioning vehicle to the local carwash for a deluxe wash and wax.

• Request type of car wash and hand keys over to semi-literate car wash attendant.

• Go inside shop to pay and then wait outside for 30 glorious minutes in the sunshine.

• Start to wonder what in the heck is taking (daft) car washers so long to wash such a teeny tiny vehicle.

• See vehicle pop out the end of the car wash area and sigh a bit of relief …temporarily.

• Notice large sumo wrestler is driving vehicle with two other car wash attendants laughing and pushing vehicle like it is a clown car.

• Car wash attendants commence with drying and polishing vehicle so not too concerned but make note to self that tip should reflect their somewhat inappropriate conduct.

• Head over to vehicle when car wash attendants signal vehicle is ready.

• Inquire as to why car wash attendants were joking around and using vehicle like a toy.

• (Stupid) attendant replies “Car No Go”.

• To which The Empress responds “What do you mean, car no go?”

• “Car no go. Car broken”, they reply.

• By this point The Empress is NOT amused and asks to speak with the manager.

• Partially literate ‘manager’ turns up and says that the car is “dead” and suggests that The Empress contact a mobile mechanic.

• “What do you mean the car is dead? It was running perfectly fine when I drove it up here and handed you my car keys thirty minutes ago. I do not recall delivering the vehicle to you on a flatbed truck, so what exactly did you do to my car?” The Empress demanded.

• Smart-ass but obviously incredibly dumb manager fails to take any responsibility, despite the crowd of customers that are all starting to wonder what in the frick is going on and hoping they aren't next.

• On the verge of going kung-fu on their moronic asses, The Empress tells them that they had better fix whatever the hell they did to jack up the vehicle and do it PRONTO!

• Semi-intelligent car wash attendant shows up with a portable battery charger box and actually manages to get the vehicle running in a matter of seconds, prompting The Empress to wonder why they didn't bother doing this before turning the vehicle back over to her ...OR before she found out in the first place.

• The Empress takes possession of the vehicle and tells the stupid pack of jackasses that she will never use their shitty car wash again and drives off giving them a well deserved one finger salute!

MORAL OF THE STORY: (1) Never knowingly turn your beloved vehicle over to a half-witted sumo wrestler and his two imbecile sidekicks and expect said vehicle to be returned to you in its original condition. (2) And steer clear of Beacon Bay Car Wash(es). They SUCK big sweaty, hairy, smelly donkey balls!

Happy Monday my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, August 19, 2011

I Vant to Suck Yor Blood

It’s obvious that someone has had one too many bowls of Count Chocula or watched far too many episodes of those blood sucking vampire dramas on TV. This week police officials in Galveston, Texas reported that (an obviously mentally disturbed) 19-year old “drakul” wanna-be named Lyle Monroe Bensley broke into a woman’s apartment and proceeded to hiss and growl whilst biting and hitting her in her bed.

Thankfully the woman escaped unharmed from her vampy assailant. Police later found Bensley all but naked in parking lot sporting only his tattoos, body piercings and a pair of boxer shorts. Galveston Police Captain Jeff Heyse reported that upon apprehension, nosferatu boy claimed that he was “a 500 year old vampire that needed to feed”.

Currently Bensley is reportedly being held in the Galveston County Jail on a charge of home burglary with intent to commit a felony. Hopefully his next stop will be a nice padded room in the local psychiatric hospital…

Happy Friday my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, August 15, 2011

They said WHAT???

It can be a rather interesting exercise to read employees’ often bizarre and/or entertaining responses to questionnaires describing their jobs. The following comments were made in writing by real life public sector workers when asked about their job duties and position requirements:

At times I am asked to move mountains and raise the dead

The criminal justice system would come to a screeching halt if my position didn’t exist

Must be able to fight and wrestle individuals

Oversee the installation of school flashers

Transport prisoner dogs when officers make arrests for drunk driving

Subjected to terroristic threats from citizens

Exposure to fly infestations and huge dead rats” (note: office job)

Must be able to handle extreme hot and cold attitudes generated by coworkers and the public

Subjected to name calling and chair slinging

Physical requirements: fingerprinting and unlocking the bean hole

Assume responsibility for the department’s petty cash and coke funds” (note: police clerk)

Extraordinary working conditions: loss of appendages

Job duties: reporting to work sober and on time

Sometimes there are just words with no details and I have no clue what to do

Bonus Questionnaire Word of the Day: “ANNISHITIVE”

The questionnaires were all reviewed and signed-off by each of the workers’ direct superiors, further highlighting why exactly so many governmental agencies are jacked up, ineffective, and a huge waste of taxpayer revenue.

Happy Monday my lovelies and watch out for those school flashers and huge rats in the work place!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Strange Addictions- Diaper Edition

Just when you think you've seen and heard it all, along comes another fascinating human being that makes you pause and say "WTF?" Case in point, check out this video clip featuring Riley who is addicted to being an adult baby.

For you impatient souls (like me) who want to just skip ahead to the juicy part (literally) then fast forward to around 2:25 where Riley tells the world just how much she loves the comforting feeling of having a "warm wet diaper":

It's probably a safe bet to say that there isn't any hanky panky happening up in that crib!

Happy Hump Day my lovelies and thanks for being patient while I have been away tending to life outside of the blogosphere.

xo The Empress