Saturday, July 31, 2010

Happy 2 Month Anniversary!

Hot diggity! It has now been two snarky months since The Ranter’s Box joined the blogosphere. I have been completely and utterly thrilled to bits by all of the new followers, amusing comments and most of all for having the opportunity to resume writing again.

Because it is early days I’m still in the process of deciding what this blog will shape up to be in the long-term. However, each and every day I continue to be inspired by many of my fellow blogspot bloggers and their brilliant writing including:

The Bitchy Waiter – he is a laugh-a-day guaranteed!

• Annah at Red Means Go – check out her hilarious drawings!

• Jamie at Daydream Believer – she is an awesome and entertaining writer.

• Charles at In Review: Stuff and Things – he is witty, real and always amusing!

• Una at The Sassy Curmudgeon – she is funny and one of my original inspirations to start blogging.

• Donda at My Husband Misunderstood when I said I was Bi – she is full on crazy in the very best of ways!

• Linnykins at Randomness – she takes beautiful photos that I love to look at whenever I am feeling homesick.

Plopculture – you never know what he will be serving up and I am fully convinced he is the male version of me!

• Steve G. at Stephen on Stuff – he provides entertaining commentary on TV shows, books and whatever else is rolling around in his mind.

This list is by no means inclusive and I am certain without a doubt that I will be adding to it as I get more acquainted with all of your blogs. In the meantime, thank you ever so much for all of your support and for helping me get one step closer to becoming the next Empress of the Blogging World!

xoxo to you all my lovelies!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Down doggy... okay, well maybe just a little

Not typically one to be at a loss for words, I was rather shocked when I came across this particular video of a woman and what appears to be the family pet:

While both the dog and the woman seem to be enjoying this little love fest, I can’t help but wonder exactly how much special training was necessary in order for fido to learn to use his paws in such a skillful manner… This visual pretty much gives an entirely new meaning to ‘doggy style’… I’m just saying…

Stupid things women do to ensure they’ll be destined for spinsterhood

It’s true, I’m an equal opportunity disser. Yes, that’s right, I take the piss at unappealing female behavior just as much as I bust the balls of those tragically clueless man cats out there. But let’s preface this post by stating that I’m referring to slightly cuckoo chick behavior NOT full-on crazy to the max psychotic shit. With that being said, there are some positively idiotic things women do that virtually guarantee them a one-way ticket down the twisted path of spinsterhood:

1. Call, email, text or IM a guy incessantly

– this looney behavior is a form of stalking to which men do not respond well. Trying to keep a man on a short leash only makes him want to escape from the pound all that much faster. And no, it is not okay to repeatedly call a guy to say hi and let him know that he is missed. In man-speak, doing so translates to being a desperate, needy cling-on who has no life of their own.

2. Come across as high maintenance or physically fake

– this completely turns men off. Making an effort with one’s appearance is one thing but going full-out with a spray tan, acrylic nails, colored contacts, hair extensions and Botox all while wearing Spanx, Booty Pop undies, a push up bra and make up that would rival a hooker is an entirely different thing altogether. Any man would be terrified to find out what was really hiding under all that scary and highly engineered mess!

3. Decorate one’s bedrooms with kitty posters and stuffed animals

– this is juvenile and beyond creepy to the guys. By the time a man finally enters a woman’s boudoir the only thing he is thinking about is exactly how he wants to get busy with her... BUT finding a bed full of stuffed animals will deflate a man’s woody faster than you can say ‘hello kitty’ --meaning there will be no tasty sausage for someone’s pussy.

4. Show up at a guy’s home unannounced

– this is inconsiderate not to mention risky. If chick wants a dude to think she is one crazy-ass broad then popping up at his crib uninvited is certainly the way to do it. There is also the likelihood that object of one’s affections is busy playing house, doctor or whatever with some other bird who actually was invited. This is a no-win situation so just don’t go there!

5. Display a large supply of wedding magazines or be otherwise bride obsessed

– having this sort of fixation will absolutely, positively send a man running for the hills. The early days of dating are all about fun and a guy getting to know a female in the biblical sense. And since no man wants to feel like he is being groomed as a future husband or baby daddy, it is best to get a grip and keep one’s kooky wedding fantasies to oneself.

6. Whine, nag or otherwise act like a raving bitch

– doing so never goes down well with the male species. Men enjoy spending time with women whom they feel good being around and NOT bossy, emasculating battle-axes with snakes coming out of their heads. If a guy wanted to be told what to do he would be dating his mother.

7. Let one’s physical appearance go

– being that men are visual creatures going all slobby pretty much takes the wind out of a guy’s sails. Dressing casually comfortable and cute is one thing. Wearing nana knickers, having hairy sasquatch armpits or foregoing basic hygiene practices is an express ride to no-man’s-land!

I’m so glad we finally have that all straight. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some stuffed animals to organize and a bunch of cats to feed…

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

And you wonder why you are still a bachelor…

We all probably know someone who can only best be described as a proverbial bachelor or spinster old cat lady -- and usually for a very, very good reason or two. Things like social ineptitude, less than stellar looks, freakish tendencies, emotional retardation or just plain cluelessness about members of the opposite sex are often to blame.

Nowhere is it more abundantly clear that some people are destined to remain forever single than when visiting online dating sites. Case in point, check out this guy’s awesomely amazing dating video:

Holy crikey! While I was thrilled to know that I would probably score fairly high in the boobie department with this guy, the part about pea brains and milk cartons was, let’s just say, a bit off-putting and slightly depressing! Seriously, if my only option aside from spinsterhood is with creepy dudes like this, then things might be looking a tad bleak for the Empress… and well, I can’t be having any of that!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Friends don’t let friends dress up their pets

While I admit that I really love animals and even understand treating a pet like a member of the family, there are still some wack-ass people out there who go to the absolute extreme when it comes to pampering little fido! Now maybe it is just me, but animal attire, pet bakeries, dog strollers, holiday costumes and the like all seem a bit over the top. Way over the top!

And to prove that I’m not making this wackadoodle shit up, here is some incredibly delightful photographic evidence accompanied by the intimate thoughts of our furry little friends:

“I’ve got your ‘Hello Kitty’ bitch!”

“Seriously? I know Batman is really cool and all… but WTF?!”

"Just because you and your fat, lazy ass like to lounge around on the couch wearing a god-awful Snuggie and stuffing your face with Twinkies does not mean that I aspire to the same misfortune!”

“Ha Ha! Very funny. Don’t wonder why I shit all over your bed the next time you leave me home alone.”

“You have two seconds to take this ridiculous crap off of me before I go ballistic and rip you a new ass!”

So attention all you misguided pet owners out there: Please refrain from acting as if your pet is actually a wee little human being who delights in being dressed in asinine costumes. They clearly don’t you big stupid morons! …I’m just saying…

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Shaking that groove thang

Who says little ginger-haired white boys can't dance?

It does kind of make you wonder where exactly he is picking up his dance moves. I'm guessing his dad is a regular ole' John Travolta and that they get up to all kinds of crazy in that house!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Fashion Don’ts for Dudes

While I personally know some men with a great sense of fashion, it is probably fair to say that there are plenty of guys out there that really have positively no clue when it comes to dressing themselves in even the slightest semi-appealing manner. In an effort to help out those poor fashion-challenged blokes, The Ranter’s Box Fashionista is offering up some fairly universal fashion don’ts – as in DO NOT EVER BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WEARING the following:

Socks with Sandals

Wearing sandals accompanied by socks is a completely moronic fashion faux pas. Besides looking ridiculous, socks defeat the whole purpose of allowing ones feet to stay cool. If a man’s feet are so fugly or poorly groomed that he needs to hide them with socks, then he should simply opt for normal, closed-toe shoes… or otherwise risk coming across as an effing dork!

Skinny Jeans

Unless a guy is in his teens, early twenty’s or is an actual rock star, then most men cannot effectively pull off this effeminate, incredibly trendy look. Skinny jeans are unflattering on almost everyone and far, far from manly. Chicks like manly. Enough said.

Cropped Shirts

Cropped shirts of any kind are a major fashion disaster. Unless a guy is working as a male stripper then it is best to steer clear of this type of attire. Most men do not have the appropriate physique to wear this sort of look. And if even a dude does have a banging bod and is gung ho on showing off his six-pack in a sexy little cropped top, then he is still at risk of looking like one of the Village People or a guido from the Jersey Shore. So just don’t go there!

Holiday Sweaters

Holiday sweaters never were and will never be fashionable for a man. Only a frumpy nana who is stuck in the 80’s would dare attempt this huge fashion no-no. So, unless one is aiming to become an absolute laughing stock amongst their mates, the only acceptable place for a holiday sweater is inside a wood chipper or the bottom of a fire pit. Comprende?


Wearing thongs, banana hammocks, sausage slings or anything even remotely resembling a speedo in public is just plain wrong on so many levels. Speedos are unflattering on almost all men and no one wants to be forced to see the ‘junk in some dude’s trunks’. Unless a guy is a professional competitive swimmer, then it is best to save this look for private viewing ONLY lest risk coming across as a gross and narcissistic exhibitionist!

Thank you and I’m so glad we have finally cleared this up!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Clueless Parents Who Dress Their Kids Like Dorks

Today’s post is dedicated to the awesome Jamie at Daydream Believer. While this is a re-run from June 17th it is a special post being that it elicited my very first ever ‘hater comment’…

Recently while I was out hiking I came across a family that caused both my friend and I to look at each other with raised eyebrows. Now I am not one to say unkind things about someone’s level of attractiveness, height or other physical characteristics they can’t change because that would be just plain mean. But there are however plenty of things that a person can change when it comes to their overall appearance – things like grooming, hairstyle, and choice of clothing. So what the heck is up with parents who dress their kids in a way that automatically sets a child up to be labeled as the school nerd?

Here was this poor little boy who could have been seen as cute had his parents NOT dressed him in high-waisted shorts that came up to his arm pits, a tucked in t-shirt, long black socks and a sun bonnet tied securely under his chin. Seriously, the parents might as well have put a sign on the kid’s back that said 'kick me' and then sent him straight into the clutches of the school bully because this child is doomed to be regularly stuffed into school lockers and to have his lunch money stolen. And to make matters worse, a few moments later the father came strolling up the hiking path in virtually the same idiotic outfit as his son. This kid, thanks to his dorky parents, doesn’t stand a chance in hell!

Now I get that not everyone is destined to be the star athlete or school beauty queen and that we all have own individual ideas about what we consider to be fashionable. But come on clueless parents, is it really fair to dress your kid like some sort of reject that even Mister Rogers would laugh at? There are affordable discount stores like Ross, Walmart, The Warehouse (or whatever similar store is in your neck of the woods) where you can get your kid some clothing that is reasonably stylish and looks like it comes from this decade. So please do your child a favor and think about this the next time you are out shopping for their clothes! ...And NO, your kid would not love to wear that stupid reindeer holiday sweater with the sparkles…

Happy Weekend my lovelies!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Fishing for The Ultimate Hoochie

More reality TV ridiculousness hit the airwaves with Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. The premise behind this absolute train wreck of a dating show is 16 skanky bimbos competing bracket style for the love, money and/or cockadoodledoo of Chad Ochocinco, the professional football player. In the end, the winning hoochie mama gets awarded some gaudy-ass Liberace ring emblazoned with the number 85 on it. Yeah, I know, how original…

Despite the show being filmed inside a fairly nice mansion, it was obvious there was an extremely miniscule production budget. I’m guessing the girls were disappointed once realizing they were actually on a vh1 show and not The Bachelor -- and therefore there were likely to be NO big extravagant fantasy dates for their little gold digging asses. Group dates involved pool and tailgate parties both of which took place at the house. And although the classy party menus consisted of no-frills hotdogs and hamburgers Chad was actually kind enough to gift some of the girls with itsy-bitsy bathing suits i.e. clothing du jour for reality TV ho’s.

One of the more aggressive bimbettes named Ericka seemed quite proud to be prancing and jiggling around in her new white string bikini. The cameras cut to Erika who exclaimed, “I am feeling confident in my bathing suit and I feel Chad is excited to see me in my bathing suit. And I got his attention for sure… in my bathing suit” …Gosh, I bet her and her vacant eyes, Donald Duck lips and gianormous fake boobies make her family incredibly proud! You go Ericka!

Ericka in all her glory:

The rest of the episode involved further conniving, cat fighting, jockeying for a ride on Chad’s joystick, blah, blah, blah -- which of course is all pretty typical for this genre of trash television.

So, at this point all I can say is, damn you Joel McHale of The Soup for showing a funny clip about this craptacular show and therefore ultimately introducing me to it. And while I’m reasonably certain I won’t be able to stomach further episodes of The Ultimate Catch even if it is in the name of blog research -- if I do come across any juicy dirt on the cast members I will certainly be sure to share a snarky update.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Excuse Me, Your Child is a Freaking Little Monster

While I appreciate that even the best and most experienced parents have to endure an off day with their kids from time to time, there are still some little heathens out there that are completely and utterly out of control.

Case in point: One day I was out reluctantly shopping at one of the big box stores du jour. While standing in line at the cash register I discovered directly behind me was this dirty, disheveled demon seed of a little girl and her mother. The kid proceeded to climb all over the displays near the register -- without mommy even once telling her daughter to reel it in.

After thoroughly ransacking the displays the child then decided that it would be great fun to systematically go through no less than nine giant blocks of gourmet chocolate and crack the chocolate inside the packages into zillions of little pieces. Again, the mother said absolutely nothing and allowed this disturbing behavior to continue. I was standing there biting my tongue and trying myself not to say anything to the little brat.

Just as I was about to pay the sales clerk and get the hell out of the store, the Spawn of Satan projectile sneezed all down the back of my arm -- snot everywhere! Even worse, there was no forthcoming apology from the mother and the child was completely oblivious to the fact that what she just did was beyond disgusting.

As for that entirely enjoyable experience (NOT) it wouldn’t be unreasonable for one to conclude that if you are going to have children then the least you can do is set some boundaries, know when to dish out appropriate discipline, and for god sake, teach them good hygiene and sanitary practices -- otherwise don’t wonder why your kid later ends up in prison … I’m just saying…

Added Bonus - Here is a video of a kid who must certainly be the brother to the Spawn of Satan mentioned above:

Have a great day ... and don't forget the birth control!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Yo, Dumb Arse Drivers - Get the Hell Off the Road!

There is nothing more annoying when you are out cruising around then having some ass-for-brains moron jack up your driving experience. You know what I’m talking about people …those gawd-awful idiots who don’t use their turn signals, or who don’t know that the gas pedal is the skinny pedal on the right, or the ones who decide to turn right at the very last second -- from the far left hand turn lane.

Then of course there are those jerks in the left turn lane at a busy intersection that stall the flow of traffic from being able to turn on green because they are too busy eating, texting, putting on makeup, reading the paper, wacking off, or god knows what else.

But by far the biggest jackasses are the ones who drive 15 miles below the speed limit in the fast lane -- and then become extremely irate when other people try to go around them.

So attention all you a-hole drivers out there: if you are lacking in driving ability or confidence then perhaps you should take a drivers’ education course. In the meantime, either take a taxi or get the hell off the road and out of my way! …I’m just saying…

Sunshine, Rainbows and Fairies, oh my!

Today being Monday and all, I thought I would write about positive, upbeat and sweet things like sparkles, fluffy kittens, fairy princesses and rainbows. I mean who doesn’t dream of skipping through a field of daisies on a lovely sunshiny day? Or, oh my gosh, being able to wish upon a shooting star? Or even better still, being a beautiful fairy princess and living in a magical enchanted forest? And good golly, doesn’t just fantasizing about it make you all giddy and fill your heart with warm fuzzies and oodles of love? ...

Um, yeah right. Did you honestly believe for one teensy second that we were going there? I think NOT! Cause this isn’t the fricking ‘Hallmark-Disney for Dorks’ blog and The Ranter’s Box doesn’t do the gross mushy stuff my faithful friends! Instead, I’m thinking it’s time for another segment of:

DJ for a Minute – You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’

I’m dedicating this Judas Priest classic to those greedy, negligent asshat executives over at BP. In the event any of those d-bags have the mistaken notion that they are suddenly heroes and that the world is going to roll out the red carpet and throw a parade in their honor -- just because they finally managed 90 days later to put a temporary cap on the blown well that has been spewing millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, well they have another thing coming! ..I’m just saying…

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Vile Food Items that Should be Banned from Existence

It doesn’t matter if you are a self-professed, up-yourself foodie with a highly refined palate or just an average joe eater, we all typically have foods that we loathe and would never want to find on our dinner plate. Some food items are obviously disgusting and puke-inducing by nature while others often contain unknown ingredients that render them repulsive by default. Either way there are definitely some food items that should be banned from worldly existence:

Brussels Sprouts
These gross little stink balls with the equally stupid name are from the wild cabbage family and were grown as early as the 1200’s in Belgium. How exactly the Belgians could come up with something as wonderfully delicious as Belgian chocolate and something as disgusting as brussels sprouts is a complete and utter mystery. To this day, brussels sprouts are referred to as ‘barf balls’ by many of my family members and even our childhood dog had enough sense NOT to eat something that looked and smelled like vomit chunks!

Pork Rinds
This questionable snack food is derived by taking chunks of processed pork skin, deep frying it until it puffs up into weird curly shapes and then adding various chemical agents and seasoning. While pork rind manufacturers attempt to remove most of the pig hair from the pork skin, doing so isn’t 100% possible so if you are really lucky you just might get some of porky’s hair with your piggy chips. Ummm… Now that’s what I call tasty!

Gelatin or Jell-O
The dark little secret on this food item is that it is actually made from the boiled bones, cartilage, connective tissues, skins and tendons of animals. Once processed, gelatin becomes a tasteless, odorless and almost colorless protein that dissolves in hot water and turns jelly-like when cool. Gelatin is the basis for that fun, wiggly, giggly dessert otherwise known as Jell-O. Now I don’t care how dietetic Jell-O is supposed to be, there ain’t no way I’m eating pig hooves!

Chitterlings a.k.a. Chitlans
These nasty astronomical delights (not!) are actually the viscera intestines of pigs that are prepared as food and which stink to high hell during the cooking process. And if the mere possibility of contracting a disease such as E. coli and Salmonella weren’t bad enough, chitlans must be soaked and rinsed several times in water and repeatedly picked clean by hand to remove extra bits of fat, undigested food and feces. Now maybe it is just me, but anything that has housed actual shit is just too freaking disgusting to even attempt eating

While garlic has been used for food and medicinal purposes by many cultures for thousands of years, it still f*cking stinks! This repugnant member of the onion family is well known for causing halitosis but it is also responsible for inducing nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and mouth ulcerations in individuals who suffer from allergies to garlic – as in people like me! …Perhaps it’s the vampire roots in my family tree, who knows, but if someone ever wanted to knock me off all they would have to do is poison me with garlic and it would be sayonara to the future Empress of the Blogging World. And well, I’m just not having any of that!

Drop me a line in the comments section and let me know what foul food items gross you out, turn your stomach or just plain make you want to vomit. Thanks!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Noisy Neighbors from Hell… absolutely suck!

I was talking with someone close to me who recently bought their first house. One of the things they were most looking forward to was no longer having to deal with noisy neighbors. Now if you have ever lived in an apartment, condo, townhouse or any other type of multi-family dwelling with shared walls you can probably relate. Having someone else live above, below or beside you can be positively annoying. There are the crying babies, obnoxious children’s temper tantrums, loud TV’s, base pumping stereos, and full volume video games that come blaring through your walls at all hours of the day and night. Not to mention having to listen to other people talking, arguing, partying, stomping around, slamming doors, attempting to play musical instruments, peeing, snoring, having sex or whatever other sorts of things inconsiderate individuals do to disturb -- and ultimately piss off their neighbors.

Upon reflection this reminded me of what had to be my all-time worst neighbors EVER. No one deserved to have to live anywhere near let alone right next door to this particular couple. How they managed to slip through the cracks and actually be allowed to rent a luxury apartment is beyond anyone’s comprehension. What an absolute freaking nightmare they were!

The guy loved to take late night rides around the perimeter of my former apartment complex revving his very loud motor cycle engine while kitted out in Nazi embellished apocalyptic motor cycle gear scaring any and all passersby.

The chick was quite a piece of work as well. She had a nasty disposition, spotted multi-colored hair and looked like some sort of truck stop hooker – and probably was.

Together they holed up for weeks at a time playing war video games and doing drugs. And let me tell you having your a-hole neighbors surround sound entertainment center on the same wall as your bed does not make for a good night’s sleep. When those two Jerry Springer show rejects weren’t cracked out and playing video games they were either blasting Scooby Doo cartoons through the walls, having loud/violent sex, or she was beating the crap out of him – in which case the police would usually show up. It only took a year and a half for the property managers to finally evict those losers – at which point we all sang hallelujah as I’m sure you would have as well.

Like most normal people (and unlike those f*ckwits mentioned above) I have always considered my home to be my sanctuary. As such, the last thing I or anyone of a similar mindset appreciates is having some dick for brains loud neighbor jack up one’s sleep, peace and quiet, or personal relaxing time.

So attention all you noisy and rude people living in multi-family dwellings: You are not living in a barn or a frat house out in the middle of nowhere. You are living in a structure with shared walls so please show some basic consideration for the neighbors who live around you. A little common courtesy goes a long way. …I’m just saying…

Friday, July 16, 2010

Man Whores in the House!

From the actual jungles to Hollywood and everywhere in between, man whores have pretty much been around since the beginning of time. Whether you call them players, womanizers, philanderers, or just outright pigs they are indeed a unique and varied breed. Some man whores are kind and sweet and have hearts of gold like Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo. Other man whores are legendary like Wilt Chamberlain who was reported to have slept with as many as 20,000 women. And of course there are the now out-of-the closet ‘surprise’ man whores like Tiger Woods.

Here at The Ranter’s Box we thought it would be amusing to give out a few man whore awards of our own:

Current Reigning Man Whore:

Mike “The Situation” from Jersey Shore
On a mission to personally hump anything with two legs, The Situation is probably not the kind of guy a girl wants to bring home to meet dad. Flip on the TV and in any given episode of the Jersey Shore, The Situation is bound to be banging yet another skanky chick in the hot tub. Real classy this one is!

Man Whore Lifetime Achievement Award:

Charlie Sheen
Good old Charlie doesn’t just play a womanizer on TV, in real life his batting average for banging chicks could quite possibly rival that of an entire league of professional ball players combined. From the high-priced call girls, to Hollywood starlets and whatever random girls he can pick up along the way, Charlie clearly likes to get his screw on!

King of the Jungle Man Whore:

Leo the Lion
Leo, Zion or whatever the heck his name is can pretty much do whomever he wants whenever he wants. And if you don’t like it, this scary beast will eat your ass for dinner – literally!

Enjoy your weekend my friends!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Montreal gets all puritanical

I’ll admit that I have absolutely nothing against Canada, however one has to wonder what those daft Montreal officials were thinking by banning a permit for an event launching Pamela Anderson’s most recent PETA ad campaign. In the allegedly controversial ad sexy mama Pammy poses in a bikini (yes, she actually has clothes on this time) and has her body marked off with a butcher’s diagram. The ad’s incredibly offensive and risqué (not!) caption reads… OMG are you ready for it folks? … “All animals have the same parts”. Uptight officials with clearly nothing better to do with their time deemed the ad sexist which resulted in the event having to be held in a restaurant rather than a public venue as originally planned.

When trying to justify their moronic and antiquated decision, Montreal Commissioner Josee Rochefort stated that “As you might expect, I have to inform you that we, as public officials representing a municipal government, cannot endorse this image of Ms. Anderson. It is not so much controversial as it goes against all principals public organizations are fighting for in the everlasting battle of equality between men and women”.

Seriously Montreal? The ad clearly DOES NOT read ‘All FEMALE animals have the same parts’, so please explain what the effing hell this campaign has to do with being sexist because I would really like to know you bunch of assbackward politicians! I mean come on! If trying to sensor a woman for standing up for what she believes in isn't sexist then I don't know what the heck is! ...I’m just saying…

*You get bonus points if you can tell me the name of the puritanical fanatic in the picture at the top of the post.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Zany but true predictions for the now former cast members of The Hills

Ok, so when I’m not blogging or playing an armchair psychologist or dream analysis expert on the internet I sometimes like to pretend that I am a highly acclaimed gypsy fortune teller. Yes, that’s right folks, just consider me a self-proclaimed phenomenally awesome psychic with my very own magical crystal ball that enables me to see into the questionable futures of ‘fame whore reality stars’. Now how cool and fun is that? Being psychic and all, I just knew without a doubt that you would be so, so excited!

Anyway, last night that incredibly scintillating, academy award winning reality show otherwise known as The Hills finally came to an end. As such, I thought it only appropriate that Madame Ranter’s Box should look deep inside her ‘magic eight ball’ and foretell the futures of those now jobless, paparazzi addicted, drama queen former cast members of The Hills. So, without further adieu here we go…

Audrina Patridge
She was the one with the hot body who carried on an intense soap opera love affair with ‘bad boy’ Justin Bobby and who also had a brief romantic relationship with tool head Ryan Cabrera.
Prediction: Audrina will continue to capitalize on her feminine assets by landing a few unsuccessful ‘hot chick’ roles in B-grade movies. After dropping off the radar for a few years, she will stage a minor comeback by posing for a six-page pictorial in Playboy. Audrina will then have to choose between marrying a pro-wrestler or becoming Hugh Hefner’s next girlfriend.

Justin Bobby
He was the mysterious, game-playing guy who banged Audrina on & off for four years. JB drove around on a motorcycle, seemed to disappear for long stretches of time, and often dressed like someone having an identity crisis. He also had a brief sexual liaison with Kristen Cavallari.
Prediction: Justin Bobby will finally be named as the 15th member of the ‘Russian Spy Ring’ and will be deported after intense interrogation by the CIA.

Kristen Cavallari
She was the bitchy one who came in to take over the lead role when Lauren Conrad bailed on the show. Kristen is also the one who publically claimed that Brody Jenner was ‘vanilla in bed’ yet still continued to chase after BJ and try to make him her boyfriend until the bitter end.
Prediction: Kristen’s plan to release her scathing behind-the-scenes book about The Hills will further fracture relationships with her ex-cast mates and result in her having to live abroad for several years. While away she will become the notorious madam of a high-priced european escort service… all while plotting against the unsuspecting victims in her future tell-all book!

Brody Jenner
He was the slimy player dude otherwise known as ‘the son of Bruce Jenner’ who did his best to bang as many of his female cast members as possible all while pitting them against random newbies or skanky playmates.
Prediction: Brody will continue to coast through life, party, and screw a multitude of bimbos. He will eventually land a job for a short period of time as an infomercial host for erectile dysfunction products. When the TV work (thankfully) dries up, he will move behind the scenes and start up a special website for players called ‘Whores-are-Us’.

Lo Bosworth and Stephanie Pratt
Lo was the quiet girl-next-door who tended to stay away from most of the ongoing drama amongst the cast members. Stephanie was the ditzy, conniving publically disowned sister of Spencer Pratt. She was also the unlucky party girl who got a DUI while on the show.
Prediction: Both Lo and Steph will move to the suburbs of the San Fernando Valley, become neighbors and pretty much fade into obscurity. A few years down the track they will open a semi-successful diet cupcake shop called ‘Starlight Cupcakes’.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
She was the manipulative drama queen who was obsessed with fame and plastic surgery. He was the crazy, angry, controlling fame-whore dude who was obsessed with crystals. Together they schemed to do anything and everything to stay on the cover of as many trash tabloid magazines as possible -- all while being publically ridiculed.
Prediction: Upon being served with divorce papers from Heidi, Spencer will be committed to a mental institution (finally). During his time in the nuthouse he will take up arts and crafts and plot his future media comeback. Heidi will attempt an unsuccessful career as the next female action star. After becoming nothing more than a mere blip in the memory of reality TV, Heidi and Spencer will plan a public reconciliation at which time she will announce her bid to become the next ‘octomom’… but sadly no one will care.

So, there you have it my friends. Madame Ranter’s Box has spoken and so it shall be!