Monday, January 31, 2011

Dollies for Big Boys

Hello my lovelies! In a quest to satisfy your insatiable appetite for all things pervy, I slipped on my silicone sexologist’s coat and went on a research expedition into the weird and wacky world of synthetic love. And yes, I am referring to that crazy alternate universe where people do indeed fornicate with sex dolls.

(***Please Note: This post contains LOTS of sexy talk and naughty references. If your virginal eyeballs are easily offended, stop back by tomorrow or go find yourself a nice little blog on the blasé history of yarn making***)

Now for those of you that are unfamiliar, sex dolls are adult toys that are created in the shape and size of a sexual partner and are basically used for getting one’s rocks off. Dolls generally consist of a face, anatomically correct body plus those all important accessories.

And by accessories, I am referring to various orifices or appendages (vadge, ding dong, pie hole and bunghole) that facilitate sexual stimulation. Said accessories are available vibrating, interchangeable or removable (in the event that one bangs the shit out of their dolly and needs to replace its plastic cock or cookie).

People that are incredibly serious about sex dolls willingly pay US$5,000.00 or more for their highly customized synthetic lovers. While somewhat creepy to imagine, silicone eff-dolls are designed with realistic skin material, real or life-like hair as well as flexible joints that enable the user to get their freak on in a variety of joy inducing positions.

As evidenced in the following video, sex dolls today are amazingly human-like, so much so that their kinky little owners dress them up, talk to them, have relationships with them as well as go to town like donkey kong on their manmade naughty bits:

So whether you think love doll aficionados are sad, sick & twisted, or cool in a freaky sort of way, the one major upside is that the dollies are always available and never talk back!

Happy Monday!
xo The Empress

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Origins of a Word Perv

Ok, I’ll admit it. I am rather fond of swearing. At times I’m certain I could give a sailor or a truck driver a run for their money when it comes to being a potty mouth. Catch me in the car stuck in nightmare traffic and sometimes I even amaze myself with the never-before-heard naughty word combinations I come up with. They. Are. Shocking.

But it’s not just the car that sets off my colorful language. I am a full-on equal opportunity curser. Perhaps I was born this way. Just ask the school bus driver that I naively called all sorts of vile names when I was a mere 5 years old. All that particular incident required was a wee bit of encouragement by the older kids and I was delightfully spewing every single bad word that was whispered into my ear.

Having my mouth washed out as a child on more than a few occasions did however help me realize that I needed to sensor where and around whom that I swear. Because of this I tend to refrain from using profanity around kids or the elderly, in church or other environments where a certain standard of lady-like decorum is required. In business environments I also tend to err on the side of caution until I suss out the communication styles of the various players.

Because I don’t look like someone who gleefully punctuates my sentences with dirty words, sometimes people are actually shocked as shit to hear me curse. Secretly I kind of delight in this fact. But then if you read my blog with any sort of regularity you probably already figured out that I am in fact the original word perv.

And for those of us who do indulge in the use of four-letter words, we all tend to have at least a word or two that we particularly enjoy using. Mine just so happens to be the EFF word and all its wonderful variations, be they nouns, adjectives or verbs. I find it positively fantabulous that the root of a single word can be so multi-dimensional when it comes to expressing both thoughts, feelings …and for you big pervs, desires!

So, whether you consider the use of expletives to be commonplace, vulgar or outright blasphemous, for me there is nothing quite like getting your cuss on. If you agree please leave your favorite dirty words in the comments section below. Perhaps we can add some of your recommendations to a future addition of Empress Phraseology.

Have an effingtastic week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, January 28, 2011

Tell me what cha want, what you really really want

Being that one of my main missions in life is to help bring a ginormous smile and hopefully even some laughter to your day, I thought I would take a brief moment to check in with you my lovelies and find out which types of my snarky-ass posts that you most enjoy.

While my silly rants cover a wide spectrum of life experiences that we all can generally relate, there are actually some themes that are common here at The Ranter’s Box:

Famewhore Celebutard Updates

Handy Dandy Tips for Jackarses

Empress Complaint Letters

Madame Ranter’s Box Predictions

The Armchair Psychologist Examines Odd/Pervy Human Behavior

Sexy Talk with the Blogosphere’s Resident Sexologist (me)

Random Rants and Related Funny Videos

Empress Phraseology

Other (sometimes some of the shit that spews forth from my computer can’t actually be placed into any particular category but as long as you like it then I’m a happy camper)

If you would be so kind as to let me know in the comments section below what you enjoy reading OR would like for me to write about in future posts, then I would be forever grateful.

Thanks and Happy Weekend!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Furries in the House!

Some of you might know that I am rather fascinated by bizarre human behavior and fancy myself a bit of an armchair psychologist here in the blogosphere. If said behavior is particularly odd or pervy then you know I’m going to put on my sleuth’s cap and go Sherlock Holmes all over that shit. It’s what I do. And that’s exactly what I did.

While investigating the incredibly strange and even downright freaky furry culture, I learned that anthropomorthics (furries) have special conventions like the upcoming Furries in Wonderland convention being held in Atlanta, Georgia in March 2011. Here our fur obsessed friends can dress up in their favorite furry costumes and participate in fursuit parades, competitions, tournaments and games.

Well, all of that sounded tame and innocent enough until I started perusing their convention policies and read the following:

"The furry community is known for its friendly hugging, scritching, and holding hands, all of which is entirely acceptable… if you feel the need to express deep, physical affection for another we ask that you kindly retire to your hotel room."

So yes, it is apparently true that furries DO engage in sexual activity (yiffing) while kitted out in their kooky little furry suits.

According to casual, monogamous, polygamous and self yiffing are all common. When furries get excited in their fuzzy nasty nether regions and opt for rubbing one out solo the activity is referred to as “pawing off” for males and “digiting” for females …I’m guessing we now know where the phrases f*cking like rabbits and fur munching come from

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, January 24, 2011

Time for a quickie

I thought I would pop my head out of the proverbial cave and say a quick hello to my beloved lovelies. My sincerest apologies for depriving you of your regularly prescribed dose of smirks and snarkery.

Today we will have to keep things short and sweet. As such I hope you will enjoy a clip of my favorite cursing parrot that I dug up from the video vault. Being highly skilled in word pervery I’m thinking perhaps we can name the bird our honorary mascot of The Ranter’s Box:

And lest I be remiss, I want to give a huge shout-out to J.Day at The Ramblings of Charlie Brown, Mrs. Hyde at A Bitch Called Mom, and Pencil Girl at Conquering the World for naming me as a recipient of The LOL Award.

Also, another heartfelt thank you goes out to Bouncin’ Barb at This and That and Crazy Ramblings of a Tired Mom who both were so kind as to bestow me with The Stylish Blogger Award.

Thanks for the outpouring of blog love and a big welcome to all the lovely new readers that have joined our snarky blog family as well.

Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Big O …times two

By now many of you have probably heard that the The Big O, otherwise known as her highness Oprah Winfrey, has started her own television network. Not too shabby of an accomplishment I must say but certainly not the sort of scintillating or debaucherous news that would keep you my lovelies entertained for very long.

Keeping this in mind I did a little internet trolling and discovered that there just might be a show or at least an eyebrow raising episode on Ms. Winfrey’s network that would pacify your pervy little minds. Here is what I found:

(***WARNING: This post contains lots of naughty talk about SEX. If you find this topic offensive please come back tomorrow or go find yourself a boring little blog about bird watching in the 19th century***)

Anyhoo, there is a show on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) called In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman. The show is about SEX and is hosted by a real, live sex researcher and therapist who makes house calls to help couples faced with intimacy issues.

On January 3, 2011 an episode aired on OWN called Sex and the Laundry Basket. (Yes, that is really the name of the episode and you can click on the link if you want to see the actual video clip lest you think I’m making this shit up. Just watch the first minute and you should be good otherwise keep reading for my word pervy recap.)

Apparently a suburban couple named Steve and Becky are having a little trouble in the bedroom department. It seems that Becky likes to enjoy sexy time with her purple plastic laundry basket and the PPLB is the only thing that can curl her toes and give her a BIG O.

Her poor hubby Steve, otherwise known as Mr. Mom has no choice but to go along with Becky’s naughty little antics. Word has it that Mr. Mom has a really big ding dong which brings discomfort to Becky whenever they are trying to play a round of hide the salami.

Add to the salacious scenario the fact that Mr. Mom likes to head down south and engage in a bit of fur munching. Becky however is not down with the oral stuff and says that it tickles too much for her to enjoy. Poor sexually deprived Becky therefore has to resort to rubbing one out on the underside of her beloved laundry basket because this is the ONLY thing that gets her off.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I can’t decide which is worse, Oprah for allegedly proclaiming that she handpicks each of the shows on her new network and this is the best that she could muster up OR crazy Becky for complaining about having a husband with a big cockadoodledoo that loves to eat cookies OR Steve for agreeing to have his sexual abilities questioned on national television. …I’m just saying

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Gee, how could you pass up an offer like this?

Over the recent holidays one of my relatives came across a sign audaciously posted by some total wackadoodle advertising for what is essentially free labor:

So, if you are into chauffeuring around some ungrateful f*cktard, battling parking lot madness, and waiting in the car for extended periods of time in exchange for the amazing opportunity to read crusty old magazines and catalogs, this would have been the gig for you. Maybe next year …if you’re really effing lucky

On another note, I want to send a great big thank you to some wonderfully generous bloggers who have be so kind over the past few weeks as to bestow me with a few much appreciated blog awards. And while I don’t ever play by the rules and answer all those personal questions that generally accompany the awards, I do feel honored and make every effort to proudly place the awards over in the Royal Award Whore trophy case on the right-hand side of my blog.

Special thanks to Chief aka Dad at Unsound Reasonings, Becca at My Life, J.Day at The Ramblings of Charlie Brown , and Jeff at Content Unrelated who all showered me with the “Life is Good” award. Also, a hearty thank you to Becca who also bestowed me with the “Stylish Blogger Award”.

And thank you also to those of you who continue to pimp out my snarky ass on a regular basis!

xo The Empress

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Mining for gold – Volume 2

Despite the fact that many places on the face of planet earth are heavily populated and someone out there is always watching, it is rather astounding in this day and age to continuously witness gross and disgusting acts of human behavior.

Case in point, yesterday I had the misfortune to observe a neighbor person walking through an extremely public area with his thumb up his nose going to town like he was digging his way to China.

The guy must have rooted around inside his nasal cavity for a good 30 seconds or so before finally retrieving whatever the hell was stuck up in there.

Booger Boy then gave his nose nugget a careful inspection before finally deciding to ceremoniously roll it into a nice little ball and flick it oh so courteously onto the walkway ...… only for some unsuspecting and unfortunate person to later step on.

Effing Neanderthal! But at least he didn’t eat it like some of these nasty people that I just so happened to dig up from the video vault:

Have a happy and booger-free week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Sharing the bloggy love part deux

Recently I donned my big old sexy blog pimping hat and gave props to a few of my favorite pervy blogs. Today I want to take that pimping to another level by bestowing some award love on a handful of well-deserving bloggers.

The reasons for the awards are as varied as the blogs themselves but they all deserve to have the blogosphere spotlight shine brightly upon them as they bask in all its incredible glory while diamonds and gold coins rain down from the sky …or feel free to insert your favorite magical / pervy fantasy here…

Anyhoo, without further adieu please raise your virtual cocktail glasses and give a ginormous and heartfelt toast to:

A couple of lovely bloggers whom I’m recognizing with the One Sweet Blog Award:

Mynx over at Dribble

Tress over at Jumble Mash

A wonderful bloke whom I’m bestowing the Your Blog is Bloody Brilliant Award:

Oilfield Trash over at Make Daddy a Sammich

And the King of Word Pervs whom I’m recognizing with the equally pervy My Blog is Better Than a Ten Inch Dick Award:

Bruce over at stupid stuff i see and hear

(***If those uptight knob heads over in the UAE haven’t really banned his blog from their country then after this award they most certainly will!***)

Congratulations to my award winning lovelies and thank you for being a special part of my bloggy world. And to the rest of you dear lovelies, don't be surprised if someday I drop an unexpected award on you as well!

xo The Empress

PS: And special thanks to Rabbit who originally designed the awesome My Blog is Better award. I just knew that one day there would be someone befitting of this pervy award!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Welcome to automated phone hell

Recently I had the misfortune to visit that nasty 7th circle of hell, otherwise known as the automated phone system underworld. When calling my beyond useless internet service provider to report problems with my internet connection, being the incredibly impatient person that I am, I thought I was going to go freaking ballistic.

After placing five phone calls, getting caught in an endless loop of gawd awful button pressing, being disconnected by the jacked-up automated phone system three times, and talking to seven clueless customer service reps, I was finally able to speak to an actual technical support person.

By that point two hours had passed and I was beyond pissed off …and hurling obscenities that may or may not have had something to do with the shitty internet provider ‘sucking big, sweaty, hairy donkey balls’.

The technical support dude who unfortunately drew my name in the disgruntled customer lottery may or may not have been amused by my passionately colorful comments. But either way we were stuck with each other. Together we wasted the next hour and thirty seven minutes fiddling with technical stuff that is far beyond my technotarded realm of understanding.

Only for him to tell me in the end that the problem could be equipment related and that we would have to see what happens over time. And if I have any more problems just to go ahead and give them a call back. Um, yeah. Like I really want to go through that whole fricking annoying automated phone system nightmare again anytime soon …because it’s just so much fun.

And while we are on the subject, here is an amusing little video showcasing just how out of control the asinine automated phone system thing has become:

(***PLEASE NOTE: The following video contains pervy humor. If your puritanical bonnet is tightly and securely tied around your saintly head, perhaps you might want to refrain from watching and instead click on over to one of those scintillating blogs for Victorian stamp collectors***)

Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, January 7, 2011

It’s Blog Pimping Time …and not just mine!

This week The Ranter’s Box crossed the 200 reader mark and I couldn’t possibly be any more chuffed about achieving that amazing milestone. And because I have been fortunate enough to have a few of my lovelies pimp out my snarky-ass blog, I feel that a huge batch of gratitude goes out to Mynx, Mrs. Hyde, Rabbit, A Southern Man and Simple Dude.

Thank you also to all of you dear readers who not only take the time to read the silly stuff that spews forth from my keyboard but also amuse me with your incredibly kind and entertaining comments. A word pervy, bitchy, ranting Empress couldn’t ask for better readers.

I also appreciate the ever encouraging proclamations that The Ranter’s Box will be named a Blog of Note by the blog gods over at Blogger. But since those gods are an incredibly fickle bunch, I’m not going to hold my breath on that wish coming true anytime soon. Perhaps it is now time to start taking matters into my own clever little hands.

The Eleventh Annual Weblog Awards, otherwise known as The 2011 Bloggies, is now accepting nominations for those blogs that you deem worthy of recognition. Nominations are being accepted until January 16, 2011. You can click on this link to nominate yourself and all your favorite fellow bloggers here. There are numerous categories and I would be forever grateful if you were to honor me with a nomination. (Take that you Blog of Note gods for having forsaken and deprived me of recognition!)

And while we are on the topic of blog pimping, I want to give a shout-out to some of the fantabulous and effingtastic blogs that never fail to bring laughter and joy into my day:

Bruce at stupid stuff i see and hear is without a doubt the King of Word Pervs! If you like your blog posts chock full of curse words and clever commentary, then Bruce is your man. And legend has it that his blog is banned in the UAE. Go Bruce!

Oilfield Trash over at Make Daddy a Sammich will amuse you with crazy stories about his life. Murphy’s Law plays a big part of the equation and you can’t help but cheer Oilfield on from the sidelines. Gotta love this guy!

Mrs. Hyde at A Bitch Called Mom is the blogosphere’s best kept secret. There is a very good reason why I awarded her with a ‘Your Blog is Bloody Brilliant’ award. Mrs. Hyde is full of witty sarcasm, tells hilarious stories and she is the kind of person you’d want to sit down with for a cup of coffee or a ginormous pitcher of cocktails. Two thumbs up all the way!

Dan over at From the head of The Danaconda is in a category all his own. The ladies love him and the guys admire him. He draws you in with his incredibly entertaining adventures and theories on life. Mix in heaping does of intelligent humor, sex talk and unbelievable reader comments and you are guaranteed to smile. I’m proud to call him my pervy friend!


If you aren’t already familiar, rush on over and check out these blogs. You will be so glad you did and no doubt find yourself laughing in no time.

Happy Weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Mamby Pamby Jackwagons

For those of you that have been around for awhile, you are probably aware that I, The Empress, am a major word perv. There are all sorts of crazy words and phrases that I use here at The Ranter’s Box. Sometimes I even invent new words that somehow I am able to convince the highly discerning publishers over at Urban Dictionary to publish. (Side note: It’s amazing what you can bribe a publisher to do for a bottle of scotch and a picture of one’s boobies…)

And while I’m often surprised by some of the wacky shit that I find myself saying (f*ckstick, cocklick or douche bitch), I must give credit where credit is due. In this instance I want to give major props to the crusty old drill sergeant who has inspired my now liberal use of the word JACKWAGON:

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

PS: I’d love to know your favorite word pervy names or phrases. If you are up for sharing, please delight me and leave them in the comments section below. I shall be forever grateful!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Snarky Celebrity Predictions for 2011

From time to time I like to dust off my psychic turban and amuse you all by playing gypsy fortune teller. Being that it is the new year I thought it apropos for Madame Ranter’s Box to toss out a few bitchy predictions for some of those annoying and half-witted celebutards that we all enjoy taking the piss at.

(***PLEASE NOTE: These predictions are meant all in good fun and should be taken with a grain of salt. If you are easily offended by snarky repertoire then please come back tomorrow or go find yourself a nice little blog about the virtues of doilies making. ***)

Anyhoo, without further adieu I shall gaze deep into my magical crystal ball and commence with my snide and silly prophesizing:

JUSTIN BIEBER: As a follow-up to his nail polish line, the twat head otherwise known as The Biebster will launch a Liberace inspired clothing line complete with all the bedazzling a boy or girl could ever want. Sketchers will next jump on the sparkly bandwagon and offer Justin the opportunity to become their celebrity spokesperson for Twinkle Toes Shoes. The Biebster will giddily accept their offer and as such he will be provided with a lifetime supply of sequin and crystal encrusted shoes from their princess collection.

KIM KARDASHIAN: In an act of revenge Paris Hilton will obtain copies of Kimmy’s top secret plastic surgery records AND release them to media outlets around the world. Unable to hide the sordid truth any longer, the Kardashian clan will stage a plastic surgery intervention for Kim on an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Kim will then be offered a starring role on the 2011 season of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab which she will oh-so-humbly accept but only for a ginormous boatload of cash in return.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN (ODEM): After the release of her highly engineered sister Kim’s plastic surgery records, it will be revealed that Khloe IS actually the pretty sister.

THE CAST OF THE JERSEY SHORE: Due to a certain nether-regions epidemic, public health departments across the nation will ban Jersey Shore cast members from using both public and private hot tubs. Municipal authorities will also require Jersey Shore d-bags and bagetts to keep their nasty crotches and manmade chest areas appropriately covered at all times while in public.

PARIS HILTON: The SuperMartXe VIP by Paris Hilton motorcycle racing team will epically fail after not a single rider (for any amount of money) will be willing to risk straddling their naughty bits over P. Hilty’s oh-so-skanky name that is emblazoned on their motorcycles. She will be too drunk or otherwise effed up to notice that yet another one of her ridiculous business ventures has bitten the proverbial dust.

MICHAEL LOHAN: After one-too-many incidents of verbal diarrhea, authorities will force slime-bag Michael to have his forehead boldly tattooed with the words “Public Nuisance”. Lilo’s asshat of a fame-whoring dad will also be forever banned from any and all contact with the media or paparazzi. People everywhere will sigh with relief.

BRISTOL PALIN: Disgruntled cast members from last season’s Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) will launch an investigation into the mystery behind Bristol’s unexplained reign during her time on the show. DWTS producers will confess to being bribed and blackmailed by Bristol’s jackwagon of a mother, Sarah Palin. Homophobic and hypocritical Bristol will finally get her just desserts when a raunchy sex tape of her doing all sorts of filthy things is leaked on the internet. Her time as a highly paid abstinence spokesperson will come to a screeching halt.

HEIDI MONTAG: A bizarre gust of wind will unexpectedly carry Heidi and her freakish balloon boobies off to an undisclosed location never to be seen or heard from again. Meteorological scientists will try earnestly to recreate a similar phenomenon in close proximity to her douche canoe of a husband, otherwise known as Spencer Pratt. In 2013 they will succeed and the world will rejoice.


And that my lovelies brings us to a close on my celebutard predictions for 2011. If you have any predictions of your own, please add them in the comment section below. I shall be forever grateful and amused.

Have a super duper effingtastic week!
xo The Empress

PS: I want to send a huge shout-out to my friend Simple Dude in a Complex World. Due to Simple Dude’s awesome blog pimping skills, The Ranter’s Box is enjoying major growth in readership. For this I am eternally grateful. And maybe just maybe 2011 will be the year when The Empress finally gets BON’ed!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Cheers to a Happy New Year!

Happy New Year my lovelies! May 2011 be filled with good health, happiness, joy, laughter, peace, prosperity and anything and everything your heart desires.

xo The Empress

PS: I’d love to know how you rang in the New Year. Please share all your wild, debaucherous or otherwise crazy stories in the comment section below.

PSS: And a big ginormous welcome to all the new readers that have joined our snarky little blog family. I feel honored. 2011 is definitely off to a fantabulous start!