The lazy ass co-worker phenomenon

At some point in time we have all probably had a lazy-ass co-worker (or two) that somehow managed to collect a paycheck while at the same time doing virtually nothing to have earned it. This phenomenon is so prevalent that lazy co-workers often top the lists of pet peeves that employees have about the workplace.

For me, this particular pet peeve developed through countless years working in the corporate jungle with a bunch of utterly useless sloths. And I’m NOT just talking about the brown-noser guy who arrives at work early only to keep up appearances with the top brass but who then spends the first three hours of work drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, surfing porn on the internet and wandering around the office as if he were doing something productive.

What I’m more specifically referring to are lame, non-contributory, conniving slackers like one of the annoying paycheck collectors that I had the great displeasure of working with earlier in my career. Let’s call this incompetent nasty little blood sausage Gertrude. Some of my fonder and ever so endearing memories (NOT!) of skiving Gertrude include her:

• Spending half a day calling all the cosmetic counters in the surrounding metropolitan area to locate a special kind of sparkly, light diffusing face powder. Poor Gertrude was unable to get the top off her shimmery face spackle and she absolutely, positively without a doubt needed it for some supposed hot date she was having later that night -- therefore any and all work related tasks were forced to come to a screeching halt until said magical cosmetic was located.

• Skipping out of the office one hour after she returned from lunch so that she could spend the next three hours getting her precious hair highlighted. She told her colleagues to call her if they needed help with anything work related ...meaning HER work.

• Hiding stacks of client work orders (that generated revenue) in the bottom of her desk drawer. She justified this by saying she didn’t have time to keep up with menial and unimportant things like filing.

• Leaving work on her so-called ‘lunch hour’ for 5 hours so that she could go to the cosmetic surgeon and have a chemical facial peel. Upon returning to work 45 minutes before the office closed, she spent the remainder of her ‘work day’ eliciting sympathy from her co-workers regarding all the trauma she was forced to endure at the doctor.

• Packing up her desk no less than 15 minutes before the office closed every fricking day so that she could get a head start on rush hour traffic …and f*ck everyone else that might have had to deal with the same!

• Earning herself a month and a half of paid medical leave – and sympathy from all after she left a candle unattended at home and allegedly set her good-for-nothing ass on fire. The timing of this particular incident turned out to be rather interesting considering the fact that some of her previous indiscretions had come to the attention of her superior but after the arse burning incident were somehow quickly forgotten.

By the time I had finally had enough of that complete and utter bullshit, I left not only the company but the country itself. That useless cow Gertrude was still somehow managing to get paid for using the workday to conduct all of her fricking personal business. However, if there is any justice in this world, hopefully Gertrude finally got what she had coming to her and is now earning a living by cleaning toilets at a seedy local truck stop …I’m just saying…

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PS: The past week or so something dodgy seems to be going on with Blogger, hence this repost. I’ve been receiving the usual number of comments from all of my lovelies but the number of page views has been way down. Either this blog is slowing dying or the stats counter is all effed up. Has anyone else experienced this?

Shopping Curmudgeon

Dear Large Department Store Owner,

It has become increasingly difficult to even remotely enjoy my shopping experience in your store. To be frank, I do not appreciate being annoyingly harassed and unnecessarily accosted by no less than seven moronic sales clerks within the first ten minutes of entering your store.

Had one or even two of your store personnel bothered to say a kindly hello or welcomed me to the store yesterday then that would have been fine. However, to have instead found myself continuously being followed around by a pack of stupid jackass sales clerks who kept repeatedly asking me if they could “help me with anything” was beyond f*cking annoying.

When I calmly told the first sales clerk that I would like the opportunity to look around for a while and should I need anything then I would come find one of them at the cash register, I meant what I effing said. Therefore, I DID NOT appreciate having to repeat this same sentiment to the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh jack wagon that got all up in my mother frickin grill.

Please note that I am fully aware that your sales clerks ARE NOT paid by commission. Therefore it is absolutely unnecessary for your store personnel to hover over, invade the personal space of, or rudely sneak up behind your customers. And unless it is your goal to alienate your customers and ultimately lose sales, then perhaps you might want to invest in some training that will better enable your utterly daft store personnel to more accurately read the needs of your shoppers.

In the meantime, here are some handy customer service tips for your clueless sales clerks:

• Unless a customer rolls up in a hay truck all bewildered like some back-woods hick that has never set foot inside a department store, then a simple “Hi, welcome to the store. Please let me know if I can be of assistance” will suffice. Then leave the shopper alone to f*cking shop in peace and quiet -- free from any and all annoying interruptions by pesky, hovering sales clerks.

• Unless a customer comes up and announces that they are terribly lonely and specifically asks you to pretend to be their shopping buddy so that they will have someone to talk to while they are in the store, then anything more than a simple friendly smile from you is just plain overkill -- and nerve wracking.

• Unless a customer is seen shoving a turkey down the front of their pants OR emptying the entire contents of a clothing rack into their personal shopping bags without any intention of paying, then it is absolutely unnecessary to sneak up behind a customer, invade their personal space and lamely ask the customer if you can “help them with anything”. No one likes to feel as if they are constantly being monitored like some sort of shady-ass criminal.

• Unless a customer is seen holding their crotch and frantically looking around for a restroom all while trying not to piss their pants, then a customer probably doesn’t need your help with anything -- any more than they did when you asked them the SAME EXACT question five minutes prior.

• Unless a customer is found rocking back and forth on the floor, crying and muttering that they don’t know what to buy, then chances are the customer is completely capable of shopping on their own without a pack of sales clerks chaperoning their every freaking move throughout the store.

• If you are bored, please use your time to straighten/restock merchandise or empty clothing carelessly left in the dressing rooms by inconsiderate shoppers. DO NOT amuse yourself by following around, harassing and pissing off customers.

• Please make yourself readily available at the cash register to ring up the purchases of your customers. THIS IS HOW THE STORE ACTUALLY MAKES MONEY!

Now please get your shit together lest I take my dosh and spend it elsewhere!

Regards,
The Empress

Smoking hot... smoking NOT!

After reflecting upon a recent experience, I feel like it is time to get back up on my bitchy little ranter’s box. One of my all-time greatest pet peeves is SMOKING -- especially when done by asshat’s who have zero consideration for those around them.

A few days ago I was meeting someone outside a coffee shop for a business related meeting (and no Steve G. it wasn’t for a nude photo shoot I am sorry to say). Much to my delight, this particular establishment does not allow smoking on their outdoor dining patio or anywhere within 10 feet of the premises. There are large, highly visible signs on the coffee shop doors and windows stating that smoking is not allowed.

I was seated at a table a few feet from the entrance of the coffee shop. Seated directly next to the door and smack-dab in front of a non-smoking sign was an otherwise attractive woman and a less than attractive, somewhat older man. The woman got out a cigarette and let it suggestively dangle from her lips …no doubt inspiring the man to think about what else he would like to have dangling from her mouth …but I digress…

Anyhow, I looked at the woman and then at the cigarette with a bit of the ole evil eye. She did her best to ignore my displeasure. After teasing the man with her cigarette for a few more moments she finally lit the damn thing. Two seconds later in a psychological attempt to mimic chicky-boom-boom’s behavior the man whipped out a nasty cigarette of his own.

Well, I wasn’t having any of that crap so I felt it was time to speak up. There is of course no rationalizing with idiots. When telling Mr. Asshat that smoking wasn’t allowed on the premises he argued that everyone else (all completely imaginary by the way) was smoking so he could as well. I suggested that he refer to the sign above his table. No go. The jackass was determined to keep on smoking. At that point I went a bit dragon lady on him and told him that if he wanted to smoke that was his business but he had no right to poison the rest of us with his smoke --especially not the young baby seated next to my table.

As the show down continued, it occurred to me that I might have to go all kung-fu on his ass but he eventually backed down and put out his vile little cancer stick. All I could think was thank goodness. That and hoo hah! One small victory for the Smoking Police! In honor of that victory, check out this amusing video:




FYI: Along with side effects like yellow teeth and stinky breath, smoking clogs the arteries and causes both heart attacks and strokes. Environmental tobacco smoke (a.k.a. secondhand smoke) contains the same harmful chemicals as the smoke that smokers inhale.

Smoking isn’t sexy and it kills, so please Don’t Do It!