Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Complaint Letters: Bad Neighbors Edition

Dear New Neighbors from Hell,

While I appreciate that you were obviously raised in some backwoods, nasty and uncivilized manner where consideration for others was never instilled, here in the civilized world we decent human beings generally behave far less selfishly and disruptively than you have chosen to conduct yourselves thus far.

One can only imagine how incredibly exciting it must be for you to finally have amazing new inventions such as electricity, running water, and washing machines inside your dwelling. However, please note that their mere existence doesn’t mean that you should run your washer for 36 hours straight, turn your shower on and off repeatedly throughout the day like some crazy obsessive compulsive knob heads, or blast your annoying base pumping stereo into the wee hours of the night.

The reason security was called to your apartment for noise complaints three times in one night and again the next morning was because you are rude and inconsiderate assholes.

And while we are on the subject of noise, enough already with your Tourette’s style obsession with slamming doors, windows, cupboards and drawers. You now live in a place where you share walls with other human beings. It constantly sounds as if a herd of bulls is loudly ransacking your apartment. Please quiet the hell down and show some consideration for the people that live above and beside you.

On another note, it is completely understandable that clueless former cave-dwellers such as yourselves are totally chuffed to now have actual cooking appliances inside a real and properly functioning kitchen. This must be a huge change from the open fire pits you are accustomed to using for roasting your possums and other road kill. And as exciting as those cooking appliances must be for you to use, please note that your stove has a magic button that you press to turn on its exhaust fan. This fan helps eliminate some of the horrific stench that permeates into your neighbors’ apartments every time you cook up one of your disgusting kimchi-chitlin-dog meat-rotten trash concoctions. Please for the love of gawd, use your exhaust fan lest you stink us all out of house and home.

And last but by no means least, while I appreciate that you are heavy, compulsive chain smokers who clearly go through cases of cigarettes each day, your constant smoking outside your front door and out on your patio means that your neighbors can no longer open any of their windows, use their balconies, or even enter and exit their homes without being subjected to your foul-smelling and dangerous smoke. Second hand smoke kills and no one has a right to endanger the health of others just because they have a nasty and dangerous habit. So please stop filling the inside of your neighbors' apartments with smoke and poisoning us with your cancer causing cigarettes before I run your scummy asses back to the hillbilly shack from which you came.

This is your first and final warning you inconsiderate jacktards. Don’t make me tell you again!

The Empress

Monday, June 27, 2011

WTF - Walmart Edition

There always seem to be plenty of tales and comments circulating about the incredibly bizarre fashions people wear whilst shopping at Walmart. I've even personally joked about someday wanting to dress up in my sexy police lady costume and pretend to arrest random people for shoplifting at Walmart. However, after seeing the lingerie, ill-fitting clothing, exposed butt cracks/cheeks, and other atrocious get-up's in the video below, I seriously doubt that purposely choosing to wear a Halloween costume to Walmart would even garner a second glance from their shoppers:

Perhaps Walmart might want to seriously consider instituting a dress code for shoppers. It is rather obvious that some of their patrons are completely clueless when it comes to determining what is appropriate (or NOT) for wearing whilst in public places.

Have a fantabulous week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Thursday, June 23, 2011

What a Joke: House Arrest Edition

It’s been a while since I did a celebutard update but seeing as the incredibly self-indulgent, non-law abiding lunatic Lindsey Lohan is still managing to get herself into trouble while under so-called ‘house arrest’, I thought I would take the opportunity to demonstrate what a complete farce the California judicial system continues to be when it comes to punishing celebrities.

To recap, due to so-called jail overcrowding, Lindsey the Prison Evader was originally sentenced to house arrest for violating her (most recent) probation when she was charged with stealing a $2,500 necklace from a local jewelry store. Lilo started her 35-day sentence of ‘house vacation’ on May 26, 2011 at her multi-million dollar cushy beachside Venice, CA home.

While under ‘house vacation’ Lindsey has been allowed to: have visitors, take business meetings, conduct revenue generating interviews with trash tabloids, film a commercial for (for an undisclosed sum of money), pose for photographs, host a roof-top party she referred to as a BBQ for friends, lounge in the sun, watch movies, and enjoy all the creature comforts of her luxurious home.

Yet despite photographic evidence of Lindsey partying on her rooftop, probation officers being recently called out to her house when her electronic monitoring bracelet sounded an alarm, and Lilo reportedly failing an alcohol test, she again got just another silly little slap on the wrist.

Today during a court hearing, Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner (the very same judge who reduced Lindsey’s felony grand theft charge down to a misdemeanor and ordered her to ‘house vacation’) stated that despite Lilo having tested positive for alcohol during a June 13th, 2011 test, she DID NOT think that the troubled starlet had violated her probation.

See the wine glasses and booze bottle? Obviously there is no drinking going on...

The judge however did finally tell Lindsey (six days before her sentence ends) that she is not allowed to have parties while serving house arrest. How convenient. Her house arrest is scheduled to end on June 29, 2011.

Way to go Judge Sautner! Nothing like teaching a habitual criminal offender a good lesson…

Enjoy the rest of your week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, June 20, 2011

I see London, I see France, I see someone’s Junderpants

Just when you think the list of ridiculous fashion items (like mankinis, bedazzled t-shirts, pajama jeans, and curly-toed boots) can’t get any worse, along comes the latest disaster that should never see the light of day: Junderpants.

Junderpants or JeanPants as they are called in Tokyo, are basically boxer briefs designed to look like worn denim cut-off’s. They cost US$63.00 per pair and come in sizes Medium (30-33 inch waist) or Large (33-36 inch waist) …which thankfully rules out the ability for most men to be able to wear

If you happen to have a slim friend or loved one whose fashion sense is closely aligned with that of the Village People OR who simply enjoys packing his twig and berries inside very form fitting underwear, then Junderpants are just the perfect gift!

Have a fantabulous week my lovelies,
xo The Empress

Friday, June 17, 2011

Monkey see monkey drink

Recently I discovered a fascinating new species of party animal, the booze swilling Caribbean vervet monkey. These cheeky little buggers originally developed a penchant for alcohol by eating fermented sugar cane from the fields. Nowadays however they just roll straight up to tourist laden beach bars and get their happy hour on monkey style:

And remember, it's not really a party until you knock over the furniture...

Happy Friday my lovelies!

xo The Empress

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I think I broke the naughty meter

Over the weekend while I was visiting Lost’s blog, the always enjoyable My Own Private Idaho, I was giddy as a school girl to discover the Clean Meter. (You can click on the blue link to give it a whirl.)

Now for those of you that are out of the loop, the Clean Meter is a website where you can type in the web address of your favorite blog or website. Then behind the scenes some highly puritanical minions will magically scour the site to determine its level of appropriateness (OR NOT) for viewing.

Basically, green means the site is fairly safe for viewing. Yellow means to use caution when viewing. And red means “Danger Will Robinson”. Based on this criterion you probably have a fairly good idea regarding which particular zone The Ranter’s Box landed.

Yes, that’s right boys and girls. The Ranter’s Box pushed the Clean Meter’s ratings needle all the way to the far end of the RED ZONE. Neon lights started flashing with the words “read this blog and you are guaranteed to burn in hell for all of eternity” or something equally discouraging. A concerned priest then popped online and asked if I would like to give a confession or some similar nonsense …Okay, maybe I made up that last part. I am after all a heathen sinner and therefore prone to such offenses…

Even so, I must admit that I was rather elated and somewhat perplexed by the particulars of my red zone rating which you can see here:

Now being that I am the original Word Perv I will gladly own up to some questionable language or borderline profanity but all and all I remain a classy lady with a strong moral compass. My invention and/or liberal use of silly little phrases is meant all in good fun regardless of what those uptight wankers over at Clean Meter think.

As for those allegations of sexual solicitation, I’m still scratching my head. Perhaps those daft Clean Meter puritans have mistaken my love for blog pimping (and whoring) as a seedy and illegal sexual activity for which I am trying to profit. Methinks not. It’s common knowledge that I pimp my lovelies for FREE because I adore each and every one of you.

xo The Empress

PS: Now go forth, test your blogs on the Clean Meter, and report back in the comment section below. Let’s see who gets the cleanest / most vulgar ratings.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Fun with Words: Empress Phraseology

Being that one of my missions in life is to bring a bit of joy into readers lives, I thought I would provide you with an updated list of Empress Phraseology. For those of you who are new to this neck of the woods or simply unfamiliar, consider this list to be a mini-dictionary of (mostly) potty mouthed terminology that you will find over here at The Ranter’s Box - Home of Word Pervery.


B.O.N.’ed: (verb) To receive the highly coveted award ‘Blog of Note’ by Blogger.
(Example) The Empress is itching to be B.O.N.’ed once and for all!

Celebutard: (noun) A person who is famous for being famous and often engages in stupid, inappropriate or outright illegal behavior. (Example) Despite her well-known criminal record, that celebutard Paris Hilton loves to play all sweet and innocent.

Cocklick or Cocknozzle: (noun) Someone who is known for being a major brown-noser or asshole. (Example) That Gertrude is such a cocklick. She would do anything to get a promotion.

Cookie: (noun) Female genitalia. Also known as a vadge or vajayjay.
(Example) When serving dessert, it is very important to keep one’s cookie nicely groomed.

Ding Dong: (noun) Male genitalia. Also known as a cockadoodledoo.
(Example) He had a large ding dong and was quite skilled at performing the weenie dance.

Donut: (noun) Any hole in which a horny male sticks his thingy in for sexual gratification. (Example) After last call horny Stanford scanned the bar for a quick donut to bang.

Douche Canoe: (noun) The highest ranking official in the douche bag army.
(Example) That fame whore from The Jersey Shore is the ultimate douche canoe.

Drive-thru: (noun) A random and/or one-time-only sexual encounter. (Example) Daphne the wonder ho had a drive-thru with some sleazy guy she picked up in the club.

Eff or Effing: (noun, verb or adjective) Favorite curse word of The Empress. (Example) It’s hard to determine the biggest moron when it comes to that effing pack of jackasses.

Fame Whore: (noun) Incredibly annoying people who will do or say just about anything to keep their name in the media. (Example) Kim K. is the current reigning fame whore of the Hollyhood.

Gone Sheen: (verb) To display inappropriate and insane behavior similar to “He Who Shall Not Be Named”. (Example) That narcissistic, womanizing, batshit crazy Colin has totally gone sheen again.

Gluteolacunosity: (noun) Assholeness.
(Example) He displayed sheer gluteolacunosity and stupidity when he raced down the road weaving between cars and cutting off other vehicles.

Jackwagon or Jacktard: (noun) A major idiot or moron. (Example) Carlton is such a jackwagon. Yesterday he caught his dick in his pants zipper for the third time this year.

Jiggly Bits: (noun) Excess fat that is stored in the arms, back, stomach, butt or thighs.
(Example) After blowing out her Spanx she decided it was finally time to do something about the jiggly bits on her ass and thighs.

Knob-slob: (verb) The act of giving a highly skilled and enjoyable BJ.
(Example) Prior to her man leaving for a business trip, Mary was seen knob slobbing away in the backseat of the car at the airport.

My lovelies: (noun) You my faithful and adored readers.
(Example) Life in the blogosphere would not be the same without you my lovelies.

Naughty Bits: (noun) Male or female genitalia; the nether regions below the belt.
(Example) The happy couple named each other’s naughty bits king dong and cock socket.

Shit weasel: (noun) A person who is a slimy and incredibly conniving jerk.
(Example) Bernard is such a shit weasel. He would do anything to further his own agenda.

Shit weasel: (verb) To stick one’s penis up someone else’s arse unexpectedly and without prior warning. (Example) She received a rude awakening when he decided to shit weasel her from behind.

Sucks big hairy sweaty smelly donkey balls: (verb) To majorly suck.
(Example) Verizon totally sucks big hairy sweaty smelly donkey balls.

The Hollyhood: (noun) The bizarre universe where celebrities live, work and socialize.
(Example) All hell broke loose in the Hollyhood when two starlets and a married politician were discovered to have made a super kinky sex tape.

Word Perv: (noun) A person who takes delight and is skilled at constructing, writing or speaking naughty phrases. (Example) The Empress is a total word perv!

Please feel free to amuse us all by leaving your own favorite words in the comment section below. Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress

Thursday, June 9, 2011

More WTF fashion disasters

The other day when I was over at that crazy website Chuntaritos doing research on those awesomely hideous curly-toed boots I discovered a brand new treasure trove of outlandish fashion disasters. And because you all seem to enjoy taking the piss at stupidity as much as I do, I thought I would share a few of my shocking discoveries:

Nothing quite like taking a rat-tailed hairdo a little too literally!

Skinny jeans, cowboy boots, zebra print scarves and bizarre headwear DO NOT make for a sexy cowboy!

Despite our model's obviously jolly demeanor, DO NOT EVER attempt this look in public guys or the fashion police will revoke your manly bits once and for all!

Now go get yourselves a nice cup of brain bleach and enjoy the rest of your week my lovelies. Oh, and if you have any fashion no-no's you want to add to the list, feel free to leave your recommendations in the comment section below.

xo The Empress

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

WTF – Shoe Edition

Sometime ago I did what turned out to be a rather popular post on 'Fashion Don’ts for Dudes'. While I thought my list covered ALL of the major clothing sins a guy should refrain from committing, I've recently discovered through a friend a particular shoe item that most definitely needs to be included on the all-time list of atrocious things that guys should never, ever wear.

Case in point, check out these freaky curly-toed boots from south of the border:

While this silly footwear is probably a podiatrist’s dream come true, I’m guessing that even magical elves and leprechauns would be too embarrassed to wear these things!

xo The Empress

Friday, June 3, 2011

Smile you’re on candid camera

These days just about everywhere you go there are surveillance cameras. Whether it is at the bank, local convenience store, on the roadways, or even in the bedroom, someone is most likely watching you. And while that particular fact might feel a tad bit creepy to most of us, there are times when footage from surveillance cameras can be incredibly enjoyable to watch. Case in point, check out this video of a guy who taped his roommate’s rather interesting antics:

Who says white boys can’t dance? ... Now everybody dance NOW!

Happy Friday my lovelies,
xo The Empress