Overlords and More Word Pervery

With a bit of perseverance, a few prayers, several submissions, a couple of cases of booze and some nudie photos used as bribes, I am pleased to announce that Urban Dictionary finally decided to publish my fourth NEW WORD entry into their amusing online dictionary.

Being that my latest word perv concoction is in direct reference to “He Who Shall Not Be Named”, their legal people probably scrutinized the hell out of each and every word of my new definition fearing that the incredibly cuckoo-for-cocoa-puffs Warlock might get all litigious and try to sue their pants off.

You can view my Urban Dictionary definition for GONE SHEEN by clicking on this link. Once you get there please click on the “thumbs up” button. If you are so inclined then feel free to hit that thumb sign several times daily and for all of eternity.

Let’s wear the frick out of that thumbs up button my lovelies! Doing so will help make the phrase “GONE SHEEN” famous. Plus it might even increase the likelihood that The Warlock will find out about the word, get his knickers in a twist and actually try to file suit against someone.




On another note, I have been slightly remiss in acknowledging the always entertaining Bruce over at JADIP who kindly bestowed me with the awesome Overlord Award. In thanks I ask that you please stop by JADIP and show Bruce and his adorable doggy Tucker some bloggy love.

By now I’m sure you’ve all figured out that I don’t tend to follow too many rules. However, this particular award requires that I state what I will decree in my new position as overlord and I thought I might actually play along:

I thy Royal Empress Overlord hereby command that all shitty drivers, jackwagon politicians, and fame-whoring celebutards IMMEDIATELY pack their belongings and move to another planet. This official banishment commences NOW and lasts FOREVER.

Have a fantabulous week and don’t forget to vote for my new word GONE SHEEN over at Urban Dictionary.

Thanks and Much Love,
The Empress

When Bad is FUN

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Origins of a Word Perv

Ok, I’ll admit it. I am rather fond of swearing. At times I’m certain I could give a sailor or a truck driver a run for their money when it comes to being a potty mouth. Catch me in the car stuck in nightmare traffic and sometimes I even amaze myself with the never-before-heard naughty word combinations I come up with. They. Are. Shocking.

But it’s not just the car that sets off my colorful language. I am a full-on equal opportunity curser. Perhaps I was born this way. Just ask the school bus driver that I naively called all sorts of vile names when I was a mere 5 years old. All that particular incident required was a wee bit of encouragement by the older kids and I was delightfully spewing every single bad word that was whispered into my ear.

Having my mouth washed out as a child on more than a few occasions did however help me realize that I needed to sensor where and around whom that I swear. Because of this I tend to refrain from using profanity around kids or the elderly, in church or other environments where a certain standard of lady-like decorum is required. In business environments I also tend to err on the side of caution until I suss out the communication styles of the various players.

Because I don’t look like someone who gleefully punctuates my sentences with dirty words, sometimes people are actually shocked as shit to hear me curse. Secretly I kind of delight in this fact. But then if you read my blog with any sort of regularity you probably already figured out that I am in fact the original word perv.

And for those of us who do indulge in the use of four-letter words, we all tend to have at least a word or two that we particularly enjoy using. Mine just so happens to be the EFF word and all its wonderful variations, be they nouns, adjectives or verbs. I find it positively fantabulous that the root of a single word can be so multi-dimensional when it comes to expressing both thoughts, feelings …and for you big pervs, desires!

So, whether you consider the use of expletives to be commonplace, vulgar or outright blasphemous, for me there is nothing quite like getting your cuss on. If you agree please leave your favorite dirty words in the comments section below. Perhaps we can add some of your recommendations to a future addition of Empress Phraseology.

Have an effingtastic week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Mamby Pamby Jackwagons

For those of you that have been around for awhile, you are probably aware that I, The Empress, am a major word perv. There are all sorts of crazy words and phrases that I use here at The Ranter’s Box. Sometimes I even invent new words that somehow I am able to convince the highly discerning publishers over at Urban Dictionary to publish. (Side note: It’s amazing what you can bribe a publisher to do for a bottle of scotch and a picture of one’s boobies…)

And while I’m often surprised by some of the wacky shit that I find myself saying (f*ckstick, cocklick or douche bitch), I must give credit where credit is due. In this instance I want to give major props to the crusty old drill sergeant who has inspired my now liberal use of the word JACKWAGON:




Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

PS: I’d love to know your favorite word pervy names or phrases. If you are up for sharing, please delight me and leave them in the comments section below. I shall be forever grateful!

Fun with words – Naughty Bits edition

Recently while I was waiting at an appointment I had the rare opportunity to peruse the chick magazines, you know the ones with all the silly fashion, sex and relationship advice. One particular magazine had an article featuring the pet names that couples call each other’s naughty bits. And being the word perv that I am, you know I was all over that article like butter on bread.

(WARNING: For those of you with lily white virginal eyeballs and G-rated sensibilities, PLEASE STOP READING NOW. This post contains LOTS and LOTS of FUN NAUGHTY WORDS!!!)

The pets names listed ranged from flattering (king kong ) to amusing (dongola). However, I was much surprised to read that one guy actually admitted to regularly referring to his partner’s lady bits as a ham wallet …and that he was still alive and breathing with his wiener and both balls intact.

There were a few other names listed for the male and female nether regions but not nearly enough to satisfy my somewhat demented dirty little mind. So, I went in search of additional penis and vadge nicknames, all pervy of course, and here is what I found:

FEMALE-
Fur burger, meat curtain, butcher slit, fish taco, squish mitten, cooter, oyster ditch, pork steeple, meat locker, clunge, spam purse, cod pouch, finger hut, tampon socket, hatchet wound, cum dumpster, and honey pot.

MALE
Wang, schlong, willy, prick, johnson, shaft, pecker, boner, dong, knob, woody, chubby, pork sword, stiffy, tool, phallus, sausage, pocket rocket, trouser snake, one-eyed wonder worm, tube steak, pee-pee, mutton dagger, purple-headed yogurt slinger, meat whistle, and tallywacker.

And now that I have corrupted all of your saintly minds, please go forth and have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress


PS: I also want to say thank you so much for all of your recent support regarding Miss Poopy as well as for hanging in there while my attention has been diverted away on a major work project. And to all of the lovely new readers, WELCOME!

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey – Day 2

Wow! I am beyond amazed at all of participation in my pervy little sex survey. Things are going so well that we have even had a couple of readers that have reposted the survey over at their blogs. Thanks Sara and Shirley!

Because the comments section on the original post is growing at an astounding rate, I thought I would repost the survey questions for those of you that still want to participate. This is all meant in good fun so I hope you will play along, even if you do so anonymously.

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. Of the five primary sexual activities that include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation and anal sex, which do you rate as your favorite sexual activity?

2. When it comes to giving AND receiving, what do you really think/feel about oral sex?

3. What is one sexual fantasy that you have yet to enact?

4. Thumbs up or Thumbs Down regarding anal sex?

5. What is your favorite sex position?

6. Yay or Nay when it comes to sex toys? If so, what kind?

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex?

8. Yes or No when it comes to condoms?

9. If you had to choose between kissing, oral sex and intercourse AND could only pick two, which two would you opt for?

10. Which famous person would you most like to have sex with?


Thanks for playing!
xo The Empress


PS: If you enjoyed this naughty but fun survey, please let me know and perhaps we can do another one in the future.

And the award goes to…

Being that I’m all about sharing the blog love I thought it was time to bestow some much deserved recognition on a couple of bloggers that amuse me to no end. So without further adieu I would like to happily present the “Your Blog is Bloody Brilliant” award to:



• Falen at Colorful Rants of a Fed up Sista

• Dan at From the head of the Danaconda

Both of these brilliant bloggers definitely give me a run for the money when it comes to being a word perv -- and ya’ll know what a big fan I am of pervy dialogue!

Falen is raw, real and no topic is off limits. From sharing humorous stories to answering readers’ often incredibly intimate questions, you never know what you are bound to find over at her blog. She also leaves some of the most hilarious comments at the blogs she follows.

Dan provides a fascinating male perspective on life. Whether he is recapping one of his wild and debaucherous weekends or discussing sexual relations, there is never a dull moment over at his incredibly funny blog. And his oftentimes naughty reader comments are beyond entertaining!

So if either of these blogs is new to you, definitely go check them out. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

Have a great rest of the week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Odds and Ends, Bits and Bobs

Apologies for being MIA my lovelies. I’ve been cooking up some juicy posts for you all but had to put them on hold while dealing with some technical difficulties in getting The Ranter’s Box listed on one of the blog directories …some nonsense about URL’s, blog crawling and claim tokens. But anyhoo…

First I want to say thank you to all the new readers who have joined our snarky little family and to those of you that have remained faithful followers and continue to bring joy to my day with all of your amusing comments.

A special shout-out goes to the always entertaining Simple Dude in a Complex World. I am still beyond touched by his ongoing efforts to help me get B.O.N.’ed (Blog of Note). He wrote this really cool post imploring the Blog of Note Gods or Goddesses to BON both me and the amazing Rabbit over at The Long Journey to the Middle. Many thanks Simple Dude!

On another note, after some prompting by a few readers, I can happily report that I managed to get a couple of phrases common to The Empress published in Urban Dictionary. Word Perv was easily accepted by their editors however Knob-slobbing took a bit more effort. Apparently one of the more conservative editors didn’t feel my first submission of knob-slobbing was acceptable. After re-submitting under “knob-slob” and sanitizing my example they finally gave the green light. Woo-hoo! Feel free to click on the word links and give your thumbs up for my words on the Urban Dictionary site.

Also, after reviewing today’s key search words for The Ranter’s Box it appears that I am starting to get a reputation as a genuine word perv. Can you guess which search words are my favorite?



And that my lovelies is all the latest. In the meantime, have a great rest of the week …and be on the lookout for a follow up post to the one on the sex study as well as something about BJ’s.

xo The Empress

Just call me a word perv

After my most recent post some of you my lovelies commented just how much you were amused by my potty mouth terminology and unique choice of words utilized in the sex study summary. Being that it is one of my missions in life to bring a bit of joy into readers lives, I thought I would provide you all with a wee guide to Empress Phraseology:

B.O.N.’ed (verb) To receive the highly coveted award ‘Blog of Note’ by Blogger. (Example) The Empress is itching to be B.O.N.’ed once and for all!

Cock lick: (noun) Someone that is recognized as being a major brown-noser. (Example) That Gertrude is such a cock lick. She would do anything to get a promotion.

Cookie: (noun) Female genitalia. Also known as a vadge or vajayjay. (Example) When serving dessert, it is very important to keep one’s cookie nicely groomed.

Ding dong: (noun) Male genitalia. Also known as a cockadoodledoo. (Example) He had a large ding dong and was quite skilled at performing the weenie dance.

Donut: (noun) Any hole in which a horny male sticks his thingy in for sexual gratification. (Example) After last call horny Stanford scanned the bar for a quick donut to bang.

Douche canoe: (noun) The highest ranking official of the douche bag army. (Example) That fame whore Spencer Pratt is the ultimate douche canoe.

Drive-thru: (noun) A random and/or one-time-only sexual encounter. (Example) That ho Daphne regularly engages in drive-thru’s with guys she meets off the internet.

Effing: (noun, verb or adjective) Favorite curse word of The Empress. Also known as f*ck. (Example) It’s hard to determine who is the biggest moron when it comes to that effing pack of jackasses.

Gluteolacunosity: (noun) Assholeness.
(Example) He displayed sheer gluteolacunosity and stupidity when he raced down the road weaving between cars and cutting off other vehicles.

Knob slobbing: (verb) The act of giving a highly skilled and enjoyable BJ. (Example) Prior to her man leaving for a business trip, Mary was seen knob slobbing away in the backseat of the car at the airport.

My lovelies: (noun) You my faithful and adored readers.
(Example) Life in the blogosphere would not be the same without you my lovelies.

Shit weasel: (noun) A person who is a slimy and incredibly conniving jerk. (Example) That shit weasel Bernard would do anything to further his own agenda.

Shit weasel: (verb) To stick one’s penis up someone else’s arse unexpectedly and without prior warning. (Example) She received a rude awakening when he shit weaseled her from behind.

Word Perv: (noun) A person who takes delight and is skilled at constructing, writing or speaking naughty phrases. (Example) The Empress is a total word perv!

Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress