Friday, October 15, 2010

Holy smoking cat bootay!



Once upon a time while I was off on an overseas adventure I went away for the weekend to a renowned war plane show that was held in a gorgeous and picturesque little town out in the middle of nowhere. On this particular weekend the small town was about as crammed full of tourists as Mariah Carey in one of her ridiculously tight sausage dresses.

Both accommodation and restaurant bookings had to be made far in advance. Luckily for me I had a few connections and was fortunate enough to be able to stay at a rather flash bed and breakfast inn. The proprietor referred me to some nice local dining establishments, one of which was called The White House.

Upon arriving for dinner at The White House I was quite pleased to find a beautiful old house that had been turned into a restaurant. My dinner companion and I were escorted to a prime table right next to a large stone fireplace that was roaring with a cozy fire. How lovely I thought.

Once seated and enjoying a delicious glass of wine, out of nowhere came this wee little cat that proceeded to crawl up on my lap and make itself at home. Now the last time I encountered a feline in a dining establishment was a three-legged-one-eyed cat in some restaurant in Mexico. But being that this was clearly a house cat and not some mangy mongrel I decided to opt for the whole 'when in Rome' thing and let the sweet little kitty stay put.

All was good until such point that a second critter, a.k.a. alpha Bully Cat decided that the first kitty could take an effing hike. Bully Cat chased Sweet Kitty off my lap and settled in for a snooze. Sweet Kitty went all passive-aggressive and found Bully Cat’s favorite spot on the bear skin rug in front of the fire (right next to my table) -- and proceeded to take a ginormous piss.

Out of the shadows came the restaurant owner with a spray bottle full of magic purple ‘cat-pee-be-gone’ and he commenced with cleaning up the mess as if stuff like that happened every day. Sweet Kitty was summarily shooed away by the owner.

After Sweet Kitty was gone, Bully Cat decided to move off of my lap and over to the chair next to me. About that time dinner was served, the wine was flowing, the fire was crackling, and all was right in the world …or so we thought.

All of a sudden I heard this loud hissing screech. Bully Cat then jumped up like he had been catapulted out of a rocket cannon …eyes all crazy looking and ass-hair smoking. Apparently an ember had shot from the fire and landed smack dab on Bully Cat’s arsehole.

And somewhere in a dark corner Sweet Kitty quietly smiled and thought to himself “karma’s a bitch ain’t it?”

Happy Weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

20 comments:

  1. Awww, Empress, see I am a sucker for animals so I would have been chasing the three-legged cat to just "come back, come back here itty bitty kitty and wet me wuv you" while BF would be reminding me about the germs and disease and such...

    I would then mumble something about Purell hand sanitizer and then pursue the cat out of the restaurant into the foreign Mexican night.

    Anyway... sounds like a CHARMING restaurant that mayhaps is up for a few health code violations??

    http://seriouslyreallyseriously.blogspot.com/

    Have a great weekend.
    ;-)
    S

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  2. I'm all for smokin' hot pussy - or ass for that matter, but damn...

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  3. Weren't you confused as to why cats were in a restaurant? I would be so confused. I have never even seen a seeing-eye dog in a restaurant. And were you the only patron with a lap? Why did all the cats pick you? LMAO

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  4. @StephanieC: The mexican restuarant was definitely up for health code violations. This other one down under was lovely. I guess housecats are fairly norm so being an animal lover I didn't make a fuss.

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    @Rabbit: Glad you said the part about 'smokin' hot pussy so I didn't have to first! And yes, talk about some crazy, shocking and in the end entertaining shit ; )

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    @Donda: The cats in the restaurant was a little weird at first but being that the place was out in the middle of nowhere I suppose that kind of stuff is normal there. ...As for why the cats picked me, for some reason little kids, old folks and animals gravitate towards me. I guess the think I have good energy -- but then again they probably haven't read my snarky ass blog!

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  5. So funny. I can just imagine the indignant look on bully cat if you laughed at him. Cats hate being laughed at. A local winery I love to lunch at has a cat. Seems to fit right in.

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  6. @Mynx: I tried not to laugh but the bully cat was so mean to the other cat that well...

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  7. What a great read! So cute too, I love animal stories.

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

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  8. here is an award for u

    http://becca-mycrazystuff.blogspot.com/2010/10/versatile-blogger.html

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  9. OMG I loved this. I have two cats and I swear because I always have a lap available they feel they need to jump on it. Did your companion say " hey why arent I getting any pussy ?"

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  10. How cute, but normally cats come near me because they know they make me sneeze. At least if it had been a wet sneeze, it would have out the ember out.

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  11. That's hilarious! That would have been great to get video taped..

    check out my blog @ amberlashell.com

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  12. @Canadianbloggergirl: Thanks. Glad you enjoyed a bit of a departure from pervy animal videos ; )

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    @Becca: Thank you so much for the award. It is most appreciated. Hugs!

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    @The Chick in the Chair: Ha! No, I know how to take care of my men ; )

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  13. @Madame Defarge: This was a big ember that lit that cat's butt hair on fire. Craziest thing I had seen in a long time!

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    @AmberLaShell: Why thank you. Oh how I wished I would have had a video camera to tape that incident!

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  14. Empress, I have an award for you. Come by my blog and check it out. hugs :)

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  15. You had me at "Mariah Carey in one of her ridiculously tight sausage dresses" :D ...seen as everyone had already commented on the cat / pussy angle. x P

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  16. Thank you for making me smile today. I really needed a reason to. Served that bully right, though. xoxo

    @Rabbit and The Chick in the Chair- you guys made me spew diet Pepsi from my nose, but it's okay because I'm using my husband's laptop.

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  17. @Mynx: Thank you for the award! If you lovely readers keep with all the award giving I might start getting a big head. xo

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    @Precious: Thanks for chiming in! Mariah is one hot mess isn't she? Glad you enjoyed the reference.

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    @Mrs. Hyde: You are so welcome. And again, so sorry to hear of your loss. Much love!

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    @Danger Boy: Yes, and we didn't even have to pay extra for the fireworks!

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  18. I love this post . It made me laugh out loud and I shared it with my co-workers who are cat lovers.

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  19. @SSW: Thank you for the kind words and for sharing this with your co-workers. I love it when readers pimp me out!

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