Saturday, November 27, 2010

Shopping Curmudgeon



Dear Large Department Store Owner,

It has become increasingly difficult to even remotely enjoy my shopping experience in your store. To be frank, I do not appreciate being annoyingly harassed and unnecessarily accosted by no less than seven moronic sales clerks within the first ten minutes of entering your store.

Had one or even two of your store personnel bothered to say a kindly hello or welcomed me to the store yesterday then that would have been fine. However, to have instead found myself continuously being followed around by a pack of stupid jackass sales clerks who kept repeatedly asking me if they could “help me with anything” was beyond f*cking annoying.

When I calmly told the first sales clerk that I would like the opportunity to look around for a while and should I need anything then I would come find one of them at the cash register, I meant what I effing said. Therefore, I DID NOT appreciate having to repeat this same sentiment to the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh jack wagon that got all up in my mother frickin grill.

Please note that I am fully aware that your sales clerks ARE NOT paid by commission. Therefore it is absolutely unnecessary for your store personnel to hover over, invade the personal space of, or rudely sneak up behind your customers. And unless it is your goal to alienate your customers and ultimately lose sales, then perhaps you might want to invest in some training that will better enable your utterly daft store personnel to more accurately read the needs of your shoppers.

In the meantime, here are some handy customer service tips for your clueless sales clerks:

• Unless a customer rolls up in a hay truck all bewildered like some back-woods hick that has never set foot inside a department store, then a simple “Hi, welcome to the store. Please let me know if I can be of assistance” will suffice. Then leave the shopper alone to f*cking shop in peace and quiet -- free from any and all annoying interruptions by pesky, hovering sales clerks.

• Unless a customer comes up and announces that they are terribly lonely and specifically asks you to pretend to be their shopping buddy so that they will have someone to talk to while they are in the store, then anything more than a simple friendly smile from you is just plain overkill -- and nerve wracking.

• Unless a customer is seen shoving a turkey down the front of their pants OR emptying the entire contents of a clothing rack into their personal shopping bags without any intention of paying, then it is absolutely unnecessary to sneak up behind a customer, invade their personal space and lamely ask the customer if you can “help them with anything”. No one likes to feel as if they are constantly being monitored like some sort of shady-ass criminal.

• Unless a customer is seen holding their crotch and frantically looking around for a restroom all while trying not to piss their pants, then a customer probably doesn’t need your help with anything -- any more than they did when you asked them the SAME EXACT question five minutes prior.

• Unless a customer is found rocking back and forth on the floor, crying and muttering that they don’t know what to buy, then chances are the customer is completely capable of shopping on their own without a pack of sales clerks chaperoning their every freaking move throughout the store.

• If you are bored, please use your time to straighten/restock merchandise or empty clothing carelessly left in the dressing rooms by inconsiderate shoppers. DO NOT amuse yourself by following around, harassing and pissing off customers.

• Please make yourself readily available at the cash register to ring up the purchases of your customers. THIS IS HOW THE STORE ACTUALLY MAKES MONEY!

Now please get your shit together lest I take my dosh and spend it elsewhere!

Regards,
The Empress

37 comments:

  1. You know I think stores these days have got all their business models from strip clubs and strippers. And that is to annoy the fuck out of you until you buy a lap dance err something from them. I hate this approach.

    ReplyDelete
  2. awww poor mama! I usually get followed through a lot of stores I shop at...but its mainly by security and not nice/annoying ass sales clerks lmfao! Damn racism is killing me inside lmfao! *dave chappelle voice*

    ReplyDelete
  3. And this is exactly why I shop online!!! I get nasty when sales people keep breathing down my neck and then it ruins the whole purpose of the trip. Great letter!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. empress-
    what a kick*ss post...i hate being asked the same thing over and over and over and over again...

    that's why i am glad i married a woman with kids that were older...

    kids do the same thing and it f-ing sucks...

    thanks for the laugh...

    bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    and
    stupid stuff i see and hear

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ha.. I couldn't agree more. I made the mistake of hitting the mall yesterday and at one particular store, about 7 different people asked if we needed help within a 15 minute span. Then upon leaving the store we saw a huge line at the checkout. Thankfully I wasn't buying anything.

    Maybe redeploy some of those mindless a-holes that pester customers to open a new register. Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  6. Love this post!!!!! I am right there with you....I can't stand to have someone constantly up in my bubble while I'm trying to shop! I need room to breathe! Seriously oxygen is required for me to spend money!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well, you're right...they are following you because they think that a crowded store is a shop-lifter's paradise! They are watching to make sure you don't steal, rather than to help you find anything, since I bet if you called their bluff and asked where "whatever" is, they would look like a deer in headlights and say that they are new, just trained last week , and are not quite sure where "whatever" is, but they are sure they have it...somewhere in the store! You really have to feel bad for retail workers at the Holiday time! I hated it when I worked it during the off season. I would shoot myself rather than have to work a holiday jam-packed store!
    I did know one girl who was working retail and did such a great job, she and her boss got an award for great customer service and great boss...of course that was years ago, in a land far, far , away, when people still had decorum to a point when shopping for the holidays. But that time is gone. Hmmmm....

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Oilfield Trash: Great analogy! Shopping today does feel rather shady. Perhaps the next time I encounter a pestering sales clerk I will ask them "if I buy a lap dance from you will you finally leave me the f*ck alone?"

    --------------
    @Falen aka Thundercat: That is messed up! But just so you know, I had representation from the entire United Nations trailing my ass around the store. Either I had gold coins falling out of my ass or I resembled a lady terrorist. xo

    --------------
    @Bouncin' Barb: Thank goodness I now know that I AM NOT the only person out there whose ass gets royally chapped by the annoying pestering of f*ckwitted sales clerks. Online shopping sounds like a viable option.

    -------------
    @Bruce: Thanks! And you are right. Those sales clerks do act like a bunch of annoying "get on your last effing nerve" kids. Too bad that stores are clueless to the fact that shopping is often intended to be quiet, me-time for some people -- and that shop personnel screw that whole dream up in two seconds flat.

    --------------
    @Simple Dude: Pretty easy concept one would think! But not those stupid stores...

    --------------
    @SSW: Amen sister! I've been wanting to design a special t-shirt to wear when I am shopping that will discourage those pesky shop clerks from getting all up in my grill. Your saying about "oxygen is required for me to spend money" is perfect! I might add "so leave me the f*ck alone or I won't buy anything"...

    --------------
    @G: Ha! But sadly the store wasn't crowded and when I went to pay for my purchases in another part of the store where I hadn't been previously acousted, the fricking sales clerk walked off right when I came up to the register. I guess ringing up all that merchandise didn't matter to her or the store. xo

    ReplyDelete
  9. omg, i HATE being stalked at stores! first of all, it makes me feel like they think i'm dumb, like "hello silly girl, it's clear you're clueless, so let me show you what you want to buy." and also? i have hard time saying no. so even if i'm just LOOKING, they can usually talk me into buying something or buying a more expensive version of what i want. or worse... the stupid insurance/protection plan. omg... i don't know why i can't just say no thank you!!!
    but yeah, being accosted 400 times while i look at cameras at best buy does NOT make me want to spend money, it makes me want to run screaming from the store.

    ReplyDelete
  10. @Jess: Stalking for sure! And yes, I too want to run screaming from the store ...after I ring a couple of their necks!

    ReplyDelete
  11. @ Empress, yes it is a very good analogy. I have been telling people that for years. Every time I go some where and get hounded, I feel like I am in a damn strip club with titless women trying to entice me into a lap dance.

    ReplyDelete
  12. ho ho - too right. I also hate restaurants where the wait staff ask you if 'everything is alright' every five minutes. I was to reply: "It would be fine if you'd piss off and hassle someone else."

    ReplyDelete
  13. i try hard to avoid the stores right after thanksgiving prefer to online shop less hassel

    ReplyDelete
  14. Empress - LOVE!!!

    And, if you don't mind me adding - please desist with the aggressive upselling when I am ready to pay for the items I've managed to select (on my own, I might add). No, I do not need a new watch, earrings, scarf or change purse. If I did, it would be atop the pile of merchandise for which I am attempting to pay, despite your seeming unwillingness to complete my transaction without the addition of your personally recommended items. Seriously, I'm beginning to enjoy online retail more and more these days ...

    PMT
    http://thisthattheotherone.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ok, so answer me this. Why is it they are never around when you DO need them? Like in hardware stores and furniture shops? And try and find a tech sales person when you need them. Are they all working in the clothes shops? Or this this just an Aussie problem?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Haha. Had fun shopping did you?

    ReplyDelete
  17. @David L Macaulay: Thanks for stopping by and chiming in! I love your response to pesky wait staff. Perhaps I will now start telling stupid sales clerks that they can piss off and go hassle someone else ; )

    --------------
    @becca: How wise you are. Gawd I hope the stores don't find some way to invade our private internet space...

    --------------
    @PM Taylor: Seriously, what is up with the all the stalking and telling customers what they should be purchasing?

    --------------
    @Mynx: Definitely not just and Aussie problem... This was a full-on department store where all the nonsense went down. Some daft bird working in cosmetics even jumped out from behind her golden cosmetics counter to sneak up behind me in the handbag department to ask if there was anything she could help me with... Argh!

    --------------
    @Jewels: It was all good until such point that my dream of enjoying a quiet, peaceful and uninterrupted morning was quickly dashed by stalker sales clerks.

    -------------
    @Cinderita: Just sharing the snarky one rant at a time : )

    ReplyDelete
  18. I do most of my shopping on line because I can't stand the non-stop intrusiveness of service people... I usually know what I'm looking for when out shopping, and the store's layout (lived here for years!) so I could probably find things faster than the 'helpful' clerk... It's the only time away from everything else and I leave more often than buy when my internal quota is reached... Don't get me started on restaurant staff!!!!..... Come visit when you can...

    ReplyDelete
  19. I feel the exact same way! My biggest peeve though is as soon as I cross the threshold of a major department store, they want to put those stupid stickers over your bags o plenty to prevent you from sticking their merchandise in your bags.

    Ummm...thank you for accusing me of stealing before I even walk down one isle. And if I can walk in your store with said bags of plenty obviously paid for then what makes them think I'm going to all of a sudden start shop lifting?

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. Right on as usual! I was shopping for glasses with my daughter the other day, and the sales clerk kept shoving frames at her saying, "try this one," "how about this one," without knowing a thing about my daughter's tastes, style, etc. We finally had to tell her we wanted a few moments to just look around and then we'd ask for her opinion. Sheesh!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Seriously. Did a little post-Thanksgiving shopping this weekend. I felt like I need to get a freaking restraining order! lol

    ReplyDelete
  22. LOL I know exactly what you mean. You must look rich. They are worse when you look like you have money. Go shopping in sweat paints that have paint on them and an oversized shirt. LOL. That would work.

    Also, I blame the managers. A lot of sales clerks get in trouble if they don't associate with the customers. So they are kinda in a lose-lose situation.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh Ranter, I do love rants from you...but I used to work in retail. It sucks to work in any store during the holidays. Next time you are in a store where the clerks are pissing you off, think about how many jack wagons that clerk has already dealt with during the day. Customers can be insufferably rude and mean straight to retail clerk's faces. I have had sooo many people talk to me like I was shit on their shoe all because I was trying to do my job. There are two sides to every coin.
    With that said...thank god I do not work in retail any more because it truly sucks balls on the clerk's side and the customer's side!!! And if those clerks don't survive on commission they shouldn't be on your ass like a hemorrhoid!
    Jess

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am totally with Mynx on this.

    In Ontario, Canada, you can't find anyone in Home Depot or Canadian Tire to save your soul if you need help. You had best be prepared to sit your ass in the store for 3+ hours if you want some actual help.

    But, I also hate being annoyed, too. You should see how angry my dad gets. Like your post, to the power of ten.

    Glad you had a good time on the weekend, and thanks for stopping by my blog!

    You bet yer butt I put that Hot or Not button up! lol The banana guns photo got approved. I even have a few 1 and 2 ratings! lol...

    http://seriouslyreallyseriously.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. Flippin' hilarious, and oh-so-right-on.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Is it a commission thing? I have no idea. I always figured it's because some corporate manager is breathing down their neck. But I've become an online-only gal because I hate parking lots and long checkout lines.

    ReplyDelete
  27. @SharleneT: If only those intrusive sales clerks realized that they are probably running off a large percentage of their customers!

    ----------------
    @Canadianbloggergirl: I totally forgot about those stupid sticker thingys. You are right, they are so annoying!

    ---------------
    @lolamouse: Good on you for putting her in her place!

    ---------------
    @J.Day: Ha! Do you think we can actually get a restraining order to use when shopping? ; )

    ---------------
    @Jumble Mash: For sure the clothing one wears can impact the person's shopping experience. However, the other night I had just gone hiking and stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things. The store wasn't crowded and I was looking at the frozen fruit trying to decide what type of protein shakes I wanted to make that week. A manager came right up behind me and asked if there was anything she could help me with. Either she thought I was a shoplifter because I didn't have my usual fancy clothes on or she thought I was an effing moron that couldn't figure out how to open the door to the frozen food case. Argh!!!!

    ----------------
    @Jess: I agree that retail workers probably have to put up with a bunch of crap. This case was different though. It was very early in the morning, none of the jackasses cared one bit about greeting customers, and none of them were manning their cash registers. Instead they appeared to be playing a game of "secret service agent" where they were assigned with trailing customers around the store. Totally unecessary and freaking annoying!

    ---------------
    @StephanieC: Thanks for the blog love. All of the Home Depot sales clerks must be over at the "unnamed department store" chasing around and sniffing the butts of annoyed customers!

    ---------------
    @A Chicago Blogger: Thanks! This post is really hitting a nerve with readers.

    --------------
    @Nicki: Nope, this store doesn't pay their staff commission. Apparently clerks are hired to follow and harrass customers rather than ring up their purchases at the cash register.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm ok when someone asks me upon entering if I need help or if I require help to just let them know, but when I say 'no thanks', I expect to be left alone until I ask for help, not hassled every ten seconds by staff. Grrr. It's a pet hate of mine. I know many staff in stores are trained to do this, but honestly, it puts me off so much that I've left a store out of aggravation of being approached every two minutes. I appreciate being left the hell alone. If I have a question or need some help I will ask for it. It makes me very grouchy. Like I need help with THAT! :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. I can imagine what store you're talking about, however I have never had this issue with employees bugging me like that. However, I have had times where they are useless and are never around when I need them. Now that sucks.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  30. It's a tough choice between the scenario you describe and the store so bereft of assistants you'd think they'd all been taken by the Secret Rapture! Although you then find said assistants at the cash register where they continue to talk to each other to the point where you wonder if you're in the middle of an invisibility force field!

    Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any happy medium!!

    Happy travels!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. @Red Nomad OZ: Thank you kindly for the blog love. It always makes my day to discover new readers.

    So true that sales clerks are either up shoppers arses or neglectful at the point of purchase. It's maddening!

    ReplyDelete
  32. This is so true, and it's not just in retail.

    I'm pretty much required to push everything imaginable on people when I'm taking orders at my cafe, from asking if they want to add chicken to their salads to upgrading their soup cups to bowls.

    Then, I'm supposed to offer them drinks, push desserts, talk up promotions, ask if it's for here or to go, type in their names, and try to get them to get a rewards card. THEN, I'm supposed to tell them to take our survey online.

    It takes people ten goddamn minutes to order soups and salads, and by the end of the day the line is huge, the customers annoyed, and my voice hoarse.

    It's ludicrous. Someone needs to tell the district managers and corporate that if they want us to get cozy with the custies, we need to have time to talk to them about something BESIDES all the things they could buy.

    ReplyDelete
  33. @Bagel Fairy: Seriously, who the heck is running these stupid business operations? I don't know how you do it! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  34. @Empress, an excellent post. You have just given me an idea for a post about the annoying salesperson who because you bought a lounge suite this year, thinks he can ring you up every three months to ask if you are need of more furnitire. What happens to these people's brain capacity?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Okay... I just want to ask one question... Not trying to be sarcastic or anything... buuuuuuuuuut...... How does one employee know that you have been asked? Maybe you want to be shot with a tranquilizer gun and have your ear tagged so everyone knows that you have been assisted and or greeted? Just a thought...

    ReplyDelete
  36. @-bobby-: Thanks for stopping by. I was in a very small section of the store where the sales people were visible to one another. There was absolutely no greeting involved just them annoyingly asking if there was anything they could help with. Then they all buggered off when it was time to make my purchases. Typical ; )

    ReplyDelete

Comments are welcome and appreciated. You do not have to sign up or give your contact information to be able to comment. Feel free to comment anonymously if you like. Just fill my box up. It makes me so very happy!