Friday, September 17, 2010
Sock Monsters and Other Urban Legends
At some point or another we have all probably wondered what the hell happened to that sock that went into the washer but never managed to come back out of the dryer. The actual whereabouts of missing socks is a question that has perplexed the minds of human beings since the very beginning of time or whenever it is that we all started wearing clothing.
In an attempt to help appease those troubled and inquiring minds I thought I would undertake some highly analytical and comprehensive research (NOT!) to find some much needed answers. In doing so I discovered the following:
1. There is no such thing as a mysterious black hole in our dryers that sucks our socks somewhere into space. Apparently if you ask your favorite space geek or Star Trek fan they will exasperatingly explain some mumbo jumbo about collapsed stars and how black holes in the dryer are scientifically impossible.
2. The urban legend about the one-legged burglar who used to break into neighbors’ houses and steal left-footed socks might actually be true! However this petty criminal activity took place back in the 1960’s and the burglar actually died in 1995 so in all fairness we can’t blame this guy today for our recently missing socks.
3. Socks do not magically disappear behind the washing machine drum or into the washing drain. It doesn’t take a mechanical genius to realize that the washer would stop working due to being all clogged up with socks - and that if this did happen with any sort of frequency then the sock mystery would have been solved long ago!
4. Your socks may still be in your dryer but you just can’t see them. Dave Cole of Coleskingdom explains that due to worm holes created by your dryer, your missing socks have passed into another plane of existence that we are yet unable to perceive… Interesting and maybe after a couple of cocktails I just might be a tad more inclined to buy into that particular cockamamie theory.
5. There are researchers out there who believe dark magic is responsible for the disappearance of our socks. Seriously? Missing socks are a world-wide phenomena that afflicts us all. Merlin or even Harry Potter himself would have come up with a ‘missing socks’ counter spell by now if indeed dark magic were truly responsible.
6. There are reports of an alleged “Sock Fairy” that takes our missing socks and gives them to people who don’t have socks of their own. How very kind and oh-so Disney-like, but wouldn’t it be far more altruistic and make more sense to just take the entire pair of socks instead of pissing off the masses by having only one sock go missing? And surely sock stealing has to be a major no-no in the enchanted little fairy world, so I’m just not buying any of it…
And while I’m certain we could all debate this trivial little matter from now until the end of time, most of us would probably agree that none of the above theories seem very plausible when it comes to explaining where our missing socks really go.
However, after much in-depth analysis and serious consideration I have concluded that in truth the dryer is actually responsible. Yes, the dyer! The Evil Dryer gobbles up our beloved socks only to later shit them out into fuzzy little pieces inside the dryer’s lint trap.
Think about that the next time you are cleaning out that big blob of lint from your dryer. Not such a far-fetched theory now is it? …I’m just saying…