Friday, September 17, 2010

Sock Monsters and Other Urban Legends

At some point or another we have all probably wondered what the hell happened to that sock that went into the washer but never managed to come back out of the dryer. The actual whereabouts of missing socks is a question that has perplexed the minds of human beings since the very beginning of time or whenever it is that we all started wearing clothing.

In an attempt to help appease those troubled and inquiring minds I thought I would undertake some highly analytical and comprehensive research (NOT!) to find some much needed answers. In doing so I discovered the following:

1. There is no such thing as a mysterious black hole in our dryers that sucks our socks somewhere into space. Apparently if you ask your favorite space geek or Star Trek fan they will exasperatingly explain some mumbo jumbo about collapsed stars and how black holes in the dryer are scientifically impossible.

2. The urban legend about the one-legged burglar who used to break into neighbors’ houses and steal left-footed socks might actually be true! However this petty criminal activity took place back in the 1960’s and the burglar actually died in 1995 so in all fairness we can’t blame this guy today for our recently missing socks.

3. Socks do not magically disappear behind the washing machine drum or into the washing drain. It doesn’t take a mechanical genius to realize that the washer would stop working due to being all clogged up with socks - and that if this did happen with any sort of frequency then the sock mystery would have been solved long ago!

4. Your socks may still be in your dryer but you just can’t see them. Dave Cole of Coleskingdom explains that due to worm holes created by your dryer, your missing socks have passed into another plane of existence that we are yet unable to perceive… Interesting and maybe after a couple of cocktails I just might be a tad more inclined to buy into that particular cockamamie theory.

5. There are researchers out there who believe dark magic is responsible for the disappearance of our socks. Seriously? Missing socks are a world-wide phenomena that afflicts us all. Merlin or even Harry Potter himself would have come up with a ‘missing socks’ counter spell by now if indeed dark magic were truly responsible.

6. There are reports of an alleged “Sock Fairy” that takes our missing socks and gives them to people who don’t have socks of their own. How very kind and oh-so Disney-like, but wouldn’t it be far more altruistic and make more sense to just take the entire pair of socks instead of pissing off the masses by having only one sock go missing? And surely sock stealing has to be a major no-no in the enchanted little fairy world, so I’m just not buying any of it…

And while I’m certain we could all debate this trivial little matter from now until the end of time, most of us would probably agree that none of the above theories seem very plausible when it comes to explaining where our missing socks really go.

However, after much in-depth analysis and serious consideration I have concluded that in truth the dryer is actually responsible. Yes, the dyer! The Evil Dryer gobbles up our beloved socks only to later shit them out into fuzzy little pieces inside the dryer’s lint trap.

Think about that the next time you are cleaning out that big blob of lint from your dryer. Not such a far-fetched theory now is it? …I’m just saying…


  1. I hardly use my dryer so I actually think the washing machine dissolves them and sends them down the drain. Either that or they run off to avoid having to go back on nasty teenage boy feet.

  2. Knowing that one legged sock stealing bastard is dead makes me feel a little safer, but it blows up my theory.

    So maybe the socks are deciding to leave on their own. After so much time on peoples stinky feet I am thinking they figure enough is enough. They don't get a lot of respect anyway... I dont even fold mine, I just throw them into a big pile in a drawer. It wouldn't take long for me to want out of that lousy situation either.


  3. Lol I have actually seen a washing machine break because it had socks cloggin the drum. :-D

  4. A friend of mine actually went as the Sock Fairy for Halloween one year. She wore a dress stitched out of socks, I kid you not.

  5. I absolutely believe in the Sock Monster. The little bastard lives behind my dryer. Then again, it might just be one of my dogs...

  6. It's such a relief to finally have an answer to that age-old question! I think your theory totally makes sense. Maybe we should start feeding extra socks to our dryers so they'll leave the socks we actually want alone--kind of like the way pagans would make animal sacrifices to their gods to protect their crops, end droughts, etc...Then, this whole sock problem would no longer exist and we could all frolic in cozy, sock-footed comfort! Brilliant! :)

  7. Haha, while talking with my friend on the phone one day, I was doing laundry and started complaining about my missing socks. She said, "Dryers run on sock fuel. They must eat the socks to keep running. So either one or wet pants. I choose one sock."

  8. @Mynx: It could be a co-consiracy between the washers and the dryers ...although stinky footed teenagers might just be reason enough for socks to go into hiding.

    @Simple Dude: Hmm...abused and neglected sock theory. Interesting and perhaps plausible.

    @Liz: Shite! Damn wiki research information...

    @Nicki: Now that is a clever idea.

    @Molly Malone: One time I found a skunk behind my dyer. I think I would have much preferred the sock monster.

  9. @Candice: Perhaps the dryer manufacturers can add a sacrificial slot where we can feed the unwanteds to the dyer god>

    @Jumble Mash: See, it really is the dryer!

  10. I think my husband eats them. Just because he can. And the little bits of fluff at the corner of his mouth.

  11. @Madame DeFarge: Thanks for stopping by and chiming in. Interesting theory on the husband.

  12. Ranter - Did you ever watch the animated Beetlejuice series? There was a mind-blowing episode with the 'Land of Lost Things'.

    I think I was 11. It all made sense.

    The place was divided into couch change, remote controls, socks. The mystery of the universe solved for me in one cartoon. Now I feel at peace when the sock is gone.

    At least it has company.

    Or else, it's alone and covered in dust and fur under the dryer. Whatever.

    Show logo is here:

  13. @Stephanie and her sort of funny blog: No I missed that one. The "Land of the Lost Things" episode sounds pretty cool. I wonder if that place is where are the 'hot & decent' men have gone as well?


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