Recently while in the midst of a rather gnarly insomnia episode I had an unpleasant experience with my smoke alarm. Yes, I am talking about those evil but oh-so-necessary plastic contraptions that help to save us all from deadly smoke inhalation and impending doom.
Anyway, at around 3:00am I laid there tossing and turning and praying to God, baby Jesus, Buddha and anyone else who would listen that I might finally be able to get some much needed sleep, when from above my bed I heard a single, dreaded high-pitched CHIRP.
And then ANOTHER and ANOTHER …until I had no choice but to drag my half-blind and exhausted ass out of bed in search of chair …so that I could teeter half-blind and exhausted while trying to rip that mother f*cker out of the ceiling. Just so that it would shut the hell up.
The entire time I was cursing the smoke alarm as well as that lazy pack of jackasses that obviously did not bother to change the alarm battery prior to me moving into my new home.
Once I removed the battery, I drug the chair back to the dining room, made my way to my bedroom and finally crawled back into bed …with smoke coming out my ears and blood pressure raging.
Just as I was about to close my eyes, I heard another loud CHIRP. And all I could think was: seriously, you have got to be effing kidding me…how is this even possible?
So, off I went for the chair -- again. Up I climbed to play electrician -- again. Then I had to figure out how to disconnect the wiring -- to try and keep that evil antichrist of an alarm from being able to cruelly taunt me any further.
Late the next day I went out and bought several replacement batteries, just in case that demon alarm got all finicky about the type of battery I shoved up the ass of its battery compartment.
Once a new battery was installed I laid my weary arse down for a major snooze. And just as I was about to doze off, I heard a loud CHIRP …and all I could think was WTF?
So, up I climbed -- yet again. I fiddled with the new battery and the alarm wiring, got everything back into place and proceeded to stand on the chair for several minutes praying that thing would finally shut the hell up with all of its chirping.
And then at last -- the sound of sweet beautiful SILENCE. I crawled back into my lovely bed and was determined to get some desperately needed shut-eye.
It wasn’t more than a few minutes before I heard a LOUD NOISE that jolted me from my sleep. When I looked up, Satan the Smoke Alarm had oh so conveniently fallen out of the ceiling…
************
And for your viewing pleasure here is a similar but oh-so-different reenactment of my torture by smoke alarm.
Yeah, funny now but so not funny then!
Always between 1 aqnd 3 am, never at 7.30 am on shopping day.
ReplyDeleteOf course when it happens to me, I then cant sleep thinking "tonight the house will catch fire"
This reminds me of the "Friends" episode when Phoebe had the chirp chirp chirp problem with the smoke alarm and wrapped it in a blanket and threw it down the garbage chute...That's all I could think about as I read this. funny!
ReplyDelete@Mynx: Isn't that bizarre how it ONLY seems to happen late at night?
ReplyDelete------------------
@Cinderita: Glad you enjoyed my rant! ...I think that must be from the same "Friends" episode as the wee clip that I linked to this post. Phoebe sure took care of that evil alarm now didn't she?!
God, I hate when that happens. And Mynx is right. It does only seem to happen very late at night.
ReplyDeleteOMG! That would piss me off to no end! I would have taken a baseball bat to it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the super nice comment about my insomnia.<3 When one of us comes up with the cure we shall pass it on real quick!
Hope you are getting some sleep!
Jess
OMG, I'm sorry but I laughed so hard I had a few tears slip out. LOL I hate those evil things and my apartment has not one, but TWO, and I warily await my fate with them. But you're right, it's always funny later, but never funny at the time when all you want to do it commit smoke alarm murder.
ReplyDeleteSee, I bet you thought I'd want to talk about the dog porn, but I say NAY! This smoke alarm issue is more pressing to me.
ReplyDeleteOn Loveline, they used to always try to time the chirps on the smoke detectors. That's because at least once a night, one of their stupid callers would be too lazy or too cheap to change the battery in the alarm like a god damn human being.
I thought this was just a white trash West Coast thing... until I lived in an apartment complex three years ago. The people above me had the beeping smoking alarm for about three months, because they were deadbeats and didn't do much of anything. They finally got evicted, and the alarm batteries finally got replaced.
For what it's worth, I don't have a smoke alarm in my current apartment. The kitchen is so small that any sort of cooking would probably set it off.
@Anonymous: The late night alarm chirping seems to be one of the world's great mysteries!
ReplyDelete-----------------
@Me,Myself and I: Belive me if I had a baseball bat that little demonseed would have been toast!
Hope you are getting some sleep as well. xo
-----------------
@J.Day: I'm glad you had a good laugh. That is the main point of this blog, to connect with others through our common experiences, dislikes and interests. ...Smoke alarm murder sounds like a grand idea!
----------------
@Steve G: Well, you are far too classy to comment on doggy porn so smoke alarms it is! I think I would have had a come to jesus meeting with those rednecks. I am SO NOT fond of loud, high pitched beeping noises. ...Shall I send you a smoke alarm for the holidays? As annoying as they are we still want you safe. xo
I've had the exact same experience of trying to balance on a chair in my zombified state at 3 am to change the battery! Blasted contraptions...going crazy when I slightly overdo a piece of toast too!
ReplyDeletei. hate. those. things.
ReplyDeletebecause they do only seem to go off in the middle of the night. and you just rip the fucker off the ceiling and go back to bed.
we did that to the smoke detector in my mom's bedroom... erm... like 26 months ago? and still haven't replaced it. but there are literally 11 other smoke detectors in our not-that-large house, so i think we're covered.
*adds batteries to her shopping list* at least i have a project to give awesome husband on his three day weekend now.
http://justanotherwastedday.blogspot.com/
I think we can all relate. The same thing happened to me some years ago. I skipped a few steps, though, going straight to "rip the damn thing off the wall and buy a new one tomorrow to replace the damaged one". I have no regrets.
ReplyDeleteI hate those freaking things! I think at that point I would have gone and slept in my car..
ReplyDeleteThe chirping is like Chinese Water Torture :)
Pavla
www.thedramaticcomedyofmylife.blogspot.com
LMAO!!! those dam things are horrible when they decide to play games with you, we couldnt turn our off so just ripped it out the ceiling and left it!! i actually felt like smashing the thing with an axe to be honest
ReplyDeleteThat's funny you posted that video because I was totally going to link you to it. It pretty much sounded just like that scene. Did you scream, "What do you want from me?" and throw it down the trash chute, though?
ReplyDelete@Nat: Somebody has got to come up with a better life saving option for all of us cause this one just isn't working!
ReplyDelete----------------
@Steph Gas: Thank goodness I now know that I am not the only one afflicted by this annoying problem. Hope your hubby enjoys his special project this weekend.
-----------------
@Danger Boy: Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I love discovering new readers!
Your direct approach to solving this dilema sounds like a good one.
-----------------
@Pavla: In the past I remember a time when I did actually consider sleeping in the car. This time though I was just too tired to take myself down to the parking garage.
------------------
@PrincessBeks: The axe idea is awesome!
------------------
@Bagel Fairy: Oh believe you me, I screamed all sorts of bloody things and then some. No to the trash chute but perhaps the garbage disposal would be a good option for any future incidents.
That is a situation everyone can relate to... they taunt you because they realise their necessity. THEY have the upper hand.....
ReplyDeletex
Corianda
http://corianda-corianda.blogspot.com
@Corianda: Which makes doing so all the more evil. Happy Weekend! xo
ReplyDeleteOMG that has happened to me before. Well, with the exception that it woke me up and was actually going off. Imagine sleep-hazed terror, grabbing up the animals and whatnot...then going outside to find out that it's THE ENTIRE APARTMENT COMMUNITY...and there's no fire to speak of.
ReplyDeleteShortly afterward, all the electricity went off. We live around a bunch of restaurants, and their lights were all off too. Whatever it was, it knocked out the grid as far as we could see.
I thought it was the apocalypse, I'm not gonna lie.
@Tiff: Apocalypse? That would be as frightening as hell. Did you party like it was 1999? xo
ReplyDeleteI don't even remember what I did, but I know I was grouchy as hell at work the next day.
ReplyDeleteAnd that they didn't believe me when I told them why!
@Tiff: Perhaps as holiday gifts, you should have given them all smoke alarms with faulty batteries! ; )
ReplyDelete