Thursday, September 2, 2010
Recently while in the midst of a rather gnarly insomnia episode I had an unpleasant experience with my smoke alarm. Yes, I am talking about those evil but oh-so-necessary plastic contraptions that help to save us all from deadly smoke inhalation and impending doom.
Anyway, at around 3:00am I laid there tossing and turning and praying to God, baby Jesus, Buddha and anyone else who would listen that I might finally be able to get some much needed sleep, when from above my bed I heard a single, dreaded high-pitched CHIRP.
And then ANOTHER and ANOTHER …until I had no choice but to drag my half-blind and exhausted ass out of bed in search of chair …so that I could teeter half-blind and exhausted while trying to rip that mother f*cker out of the ceiling. Just so that it would shut the hell up.
The entire time I was cursing the smoke alarm as well as that lazy pack of jackasses that obviously did not bother to change the alarm battery prior to me moving into my new home.
Once I removed the battery, I drug the chair back to the dining room, made my way to my bedroom and finally crawled back into bed …with smoke coming out my ears and blood pressure raging.
Just as I was about to close my eyes, I heard another loud CHIRP. And all I could think was: seriously, you have got to be effing kidding me…how is this even possible?
So, off I went for the chair -- again. Up I climbed to play electrician -- again. Then I had to figure out how to disconnect the wiring -- to try and keep that evil antichrist of an alarm from being able to cruelly taunt me any further.
Late the next day I went out and bought several replacement batteries, just in case that demon alarm got all finicky about the type of battery I shoved up the ass of its battery compartment.
Once a new battery was installed I laid my weary arse down for a major snooze. And just as I was about to doze off, I heard a loud CHIRP …and all I could think was WTF?
So, up I climbed -- yet again. I fiddled with the new battery and the alarm wiring, got everything back into place and proceeded to stand on the chair for several minutes praying that thing would finally shut the hell up with all of its chirping.
And then at last -- the sound of sweet beautiful SILENCE. I crawled back into my lovely bed and was determined to get some desperately needed shut-eye.
It wasn’t more than a few minutes before I heard a LOUD NOISE that jolted me from my sleep. When I looked up, Satan the Smoke Alarm had oh so conveniently fallen out of the ceiling…
And for your viewing pleasure here is a similar but oh-so-different reenactment of my torture by smoke alarm.
Yeah, funny now but so not funny then!