Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Complaint Letters: Bad Neighbors Edition

Dear New Neighbors from Hell,

While I appreciate that you were obviously raised in some backwoods, nasty and uncivilized manner where consideration for others was never instilled, here in the civilized world we decent human beings generally behave far less selfishly and disruptively than you have chosen to conduct yourselves thus far.

One can only imagine how incredibly exciting it must be for you to finally have amazing new inventions such as electricity, running water, and washing machines inside your dwelling. However, please note that their mere existence doesn’t mean that you should run your washer for 36 hours straight, turn your shower on and off repeatedly throughout the day like some crazy obsessive compulsive knob heads, or blast your annoying base pumping stereo into the wee hours of the night.

The reason security was called to your apartment for noise complaints three times in one night and again the next morning was because you are rude and inconsiderate assholes.

And while we are on the subject of noise, enough already with your Tourette’s style obsession with slamming doors, windows, cupboards and drawers. You now live in a place where you share walls with other human beings. It constantly sounds as if a herd of bulls is loudly ransacking your apartment. Please quiet the hell down and show some consideration for the people that live above and beside you.

On another note, it is completely understandable that clueless former cave-dwellers such as yourselves are totally chuffed to now have actual cooking appliances inside a real and properly functioning kitchen. This must be a huge change from the open fire pits you are accustomed to using for roasting your possums and other road kill. And as exciting as those cooking appliances must be for you to use, please note that your stove has a magic button that you press to turn on its exhaust fan. This fan helps eliminate some of the horrific stench that permeates into your neighbors’ apartments every time you cook up one of your disgusting kimchi-chitlin-dog meat-rotten trash concoctions. Please for the love of gawd, use your exhaust fan lest you stink us all out of house and home.

And last but by no means least, while I appreciate that you are heavy, compulsive chain smokers who clearly go through cases of cigarettes each day, your constant smoking outside your front door and out on your patio means that your neighbors can no longer open any of their windows, use their balconies, or even enter and exit their homes without being subjected to your foul-smelling and dangerous smoke. Second hand smoke kills and no one has a right to endanger the health of others just because they have a nasty and dangerous habit. So please stop filling the inside of your neighbors' apartments with smoke and poisoning us with your cancer causing cigarettes before I run your scummy asses back to the hillbilly shack from which you came.

This is your first and final warning you inconsiderate jacktards. Don’t make me tell you again!

The Empress


  1. Print this, pass it around to get as many neighbor signatures as possible, then tape it to their door.

    Priceless. I used to have neighbors like that. They even thought I was their bro!

  2. Yup. We've all been there for sure. Neighbours can be total shits and I've lived next to all of them I think. Seriously, keep calling the cops till the cops get sick of it and book their asses. I've done this in the past myself. Maybe they'll get pissed and leave or the landlord will get fed up with the complaints and eventual fines he'll toss them.

    Um. Unless they own. Yikes. Good luck Empress!

  3. Beer drinking, speed taking, truck driving neighbours downstairs. Beck said that.

  4. That is an excellent idea although doing so might blow my cover as an anonymous blogger. Then again, driving those arsheholes out of the property certainly would be worth it.

    @The Vegetable Assassin: Check on the numerous complaints to the property manager. Unfortunately that individual happens to be useless when it comes to these sorts of things. However, they are renters so maybe there is some hope as far as the authorities are concerned.

  5. Sounds like you have a version of my old neighbors' The Adams Family. Good luck my dear!


  6. I had a set just like that.. for 3 years. Moved out a few months ago. The sweet relief :)

    Sucks for you though. Enjoy.

  7. Fabulously worded. You tell 'em!

  8. Wow, they sound awful. The biggest complaint I have with my neighbors had to do with dryer lint...

  9. I would print up a heap of these letters changing a few words here and there and then shove all of them in their mail box so they will not know they are all from the same person they will think a heap of neighbours are complaining. I would do the same thing with the landlord send off a heap of different letters all saying the same thing and then they should think a heap of tenants are complaining and maybe something will get done about them............

  10. I always wondered what happenned to our first neighbors...

  11. You know, the way you're beating around the bush, how are they supposed to know how you feel?!?! Hope they've moved and life has settled down, for you. I like the suggestion to print and tape to anyone's doors that need it. Great post.

  12. @Oilfield Trash: Thanks!

    @Canadianbloggergirl: I think they are cousins of of the Adams Family.

    @D4: Wow, three years? Couldn't imagine dealing with douche canoes for that long.

    @Jewels: I am telling them. Unfortunately they aren't listening.

    @theTsaritsa: You lucky woman. These jacktards smoke so much that they would probably set dryer lint and the entire building on fire.

    @Jo-Anne Rambling: Excellent idea.

    @CWMartin: Now you know : )

  13. @SharleneT: No beating around the bush in these parts. Unfortunately these morons just moved in less than one week ago...

  14. Less than one week and already you *love* them so much. They sound a wee bit like the crackheads that lived next to me one time. They were so much *fun*.

  15. The facts are sad but I must tell you, this was very, very well written!

  16. Oh you're just being mean now. Why not bake a scrumptious cake and pop round with it - I'm sure you'll find that underneath all the petty stuff that annoys you they're truly heartwarming lovely folk.

    Just in case they're not truly lovely, visit again and take a sawn-off.


  17. That sounds like a barrel full of suck. It's time to kick off operation:make'emrunscreamingintothenight.

  18. Do we get them or do we get them? We must have done something bad in our past lives to warrant the neighbors from hell!!! That really sucks for you and the other people around these assholes. So inconsiderate. Is it bred in them or is it a trait that is taught? I wonder.

  19. I once lived next door to a couple who had house parties every other night. Slept all day, waited until l went to bed before cranking up the beats. Right up until my radio alarm clock mysteriously started going off from 8am - 4pm. Play them at their own game - throw a stink bomb through the letter box.

  20. this is why i am glad i live in the middle of no man's land

  21. Cases of cigs? Hillbilly shack? Total hunk in my book...If I was a girl.

  22. @Tony Van Helsing: (Stupid blogger deleted my original reply to you.) It would appear that these asshats don't actually work...

    @middle child: Sad indeed but thanks for the appreciating the writing.

    @Rattlebox: Oh they most definitely are not lovely. In one's dreams, a shot gun and a couple of semi-automatics might do the trick : )

    @Danger Boy: Funny you should mention a special operation. My upstairs neighbor and I are planning to put together a covert operation to deal with this unwanted invasion.

    @Bouncin' Barb: In this case I'm reasonably certain it was bred into them. They are straight out of the shallow end of the gene pool.

    @Number Eleven: How pray tell did you manage to live through all of that nonsense? The stink bomb is an excellent idea unfortunately we have a mail room here...

    @Becca: Amen girlfriend!

    @Copy Boy: Only a hunk if the chain smoking hillbilly wears ass-less chaps ; )

  23. Can we look on the bright side and suggest a potential wealth of blogging material. Or else I suggest releasing a pile of very nasty vermin to chase them from the place

  24. ...ha! loved it, but so glad I'm not in your shoes!

    Excellent post, still laughing:)


  25. Hahahaha, what a sign... I don't wish to be in your place but you sure delivered a nice read

  26. @Mynx: A nasty pile of vermin is certainly in order!

    @Elliot Grace: I know you are laughing with me ; )

    @Poetic Soul: Thanks!

    @Kirsty: Glad you enjoyed the post.


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