Complaint Letters: Bad Neighbors Edition

Dear New Neighbors from Hell,

While I appreciate that you were obviously raised in some backwoods, nasty and uncivilized manner where consideration for others was never instilled, here in the civilized world we decent human beings generally behave far less selfishly and disruptively than you have chosen to conduct yourselves thus far.

One can only imagine how incredibly exciting it must be for you to finally have amazing new inventions such as electricity, running water, and washing machines inside your dwelling. However, please note that their mere existence doesn’t mean that you should run your washer for 36 hours straight, turn your shower on and off repeatedly throughout the day like some crazy obsessive compulsive knob heads, or blast your annoying base pumping stereo into the wee hours of the night.

The reason security was called to your apartment for noise complaints three times in one night and again the next morning was because you are rude and inconsiderate assholes.

And while we are on the subject of noise, enough already with your Tourette’s style obsession with slamming doors, windows, cupboards and drawers. You now live in a place where you share walls with other human beings. It constantly sounds as if a herd of bulls is loudly ransacking your apartment. Please quiet the hell down and show some consideration for the people that live above and beside you.

On another note, it is completely understandable that clueless former cave-dwellers such as yourselves are totally chuffed to now have actual cooking appliances inside a real and properly functioning kitchen. This must be a huge change from the open fire pits you are accustomed to using for roasting your possums and other road kill. And as exciting as those cooking appliances must be for you to use, please note that your stove has a magic button that you press to turn on its exhaust fan. This fan helps eliminate some of the horrific stench that permeates into your neighbors’ apartments every time you cook up one of your disgusting kimchi-chitlin-dog meat-rotten trash concoctions. Please for the love of gawd, use your exhaust fan lest you stink us all out of house and home.

And last but by no means least, while I appreciate that you are heavy, compulsive chain smokers who clearly go through cases of cigarettes each day, your constant smoking outside your front door and out on your patio means that your neighbors can no longer open any of their windows, use their balconies, or even enter and exit their homes without being subjected to your foul-smelling and dangerous smoke. Second hand smoke kills and no one has a right to endanger the health of others just because they have a nasty and dangerous habit. So please stop filling the inside of your neighbors' apartments with smoke and poisoning us with your cancer causing cigarettes before I run your scummy asses back to the hillbilly shack from which you came.

This is your first and final warning you inconsiderate jacktards. Don’t make me tell you again!

Regards,
The Empress

Noisy Neighbors from Hell

I was talking with someone close to me who recently bought their first house. One of the things they were most looking forward to was no longer having to deal with noisy neighbors. If you have ever lived in an apartment, condo, townhouse or any other type of multi-family dwelling with shared walls you can probably relate. Having someone else live above, below or beside you can be positively annoying. There are the crying babies, loud TV’s, base pumping stereos, and full volume video games that come blaring through your walls at all hours of the day and night. Not to mention having to listen to other people talking, arguing, partying, stomping around, slamming doors, peeing, snoring, having sex or whatever other sorts of things inconsiderate individuals do to disturb -- and ultimately piss off their neighbors.

Upon reflection this reminded me of what had to be my all-time worst neighbors ever. No one deserved to have to live anywhere near let alone right next door to this particular couple. How they managed to slip through the cracks and actually be allowed to rent a luxury apartment is beyond anyone’s comprehension. What an absolute freaking nightmare they were! The guy loved to take late night rides around the perimeter of my former apartment complex revving his very loud motor cycle engine while kitted out in Nazi embellished apocalyptic motor cycle gear scaring any and all passerby’s. The chick was quite a piece of work as well. She had a nasty disposition, spotted multi-colored hair and looked like some sort of truck stop hooker – and probably was. Together they holed up for weeks at a time playing war video games and doing drugs. And let me tell you having your a-hole neighbors surround sound entertainment center on the same wall as your bed does not make for a good night’s sleep. When those two Jerry Springer show rejects weren’t cracked out and playing video games they were either blasting Scooby Doo cartoons through the walls, having loud/violent sex, or she was beating the crap out of him – in which case the police would usually show up. It only took a year and a half for the property managers to finally evict those losers – at which point we all sang hallelujah as I’m sure you would have as well.

Like many people I have always considered my home to be my sanctuary. The last thing anyone appreciates is having some dick for brains loud neighbor jack up one’s sleep, peace and quiet, or personal relaxing time. So attention all you noisy and rude people living in multi-family dwellings: You are not living in a barn or a frat house out in the middle of nowhere. You are living in a structure with shared walls so please show some basic consideration for the neighbors who live around you. A little common courtesy goes a long way. …I’m just saying…