Sunday, June 12, 2011

Fun with Words: Empress Phraseology

Being that one of my missions in life is to bring a bit of joy into readers lives, I thought I would provide you with an updated list of Empress Phraseology. For those of you who are new to this neck of the woods or simply unfamiliar, consider this list to be a mini-dictionary of (mostly) potty mouthed terminology that you will find over here at The Ranter’s Box - Home of Word Pervery.


B.O.N.’ed: (verb) To receive the highly coveted award ‘Blog of Note’ by Blogger.
(Example) The Empress is itching to be B.O.N.’ed once and for all!

Celebutard: (noun) A person who is famous for being famous and often engages in stupid, inappropriate or outright illegal behavior. (Example) Despite her well-known criminal record, that celebutard Paris Hilton loves to play all sweet and innocent.

Cocklick or Cocknozzle: (noun) Someone who is known for being a major brown-noser or asshole. (Example) That Gertrude is such a cocklick. She would do anything to get a promotion.

Cookie: (noun) Female genitalia. Also known as a vadge or vajayjay.
(Example) When serving dessert, it is very important to keep one’s cookie nicely groomed.

Ding Dong: (noun) Male genitalia. Also known as a cockadoodledoo.
(Example) He had a large ding dong and was quite skilled at performing the weenie dance.

Donut: (noun) Any hole in which a horny male sticks his thingy in for sexual gratification. (Example) After last call horny Stanford scanned the bar for a quick donut to bang.

Douche Canoe: (noun) The highest ranking official in the douche bag army.
(Example) That fame whore from The Jersey Shore is the ultimate douche canoe.

Drive-thru: (noun) A random and/or one-time-only sexual encounter. (Example) Daphne the wonder ho had a drive-thru with some sleazy guy she picked up in the club.

Eff or Effing: (noun, verb or adjective) Favorite curse word of The Empress. (Example) It’s hard to determine the biggest moron when it comes to that effing pack of jackasses.

Fame Whore: (noun) Incredibly annoying people who will do or say just about anything to keep their name in the media. (Example) Kim K. is the current reigning fame whore of the Hollyhood.

Gone Sheen: (verb) To display inappropriate and insane behavior similar to “He Who Shall Not Be Named”. (Example) That narcissistic, womanizing, batshit crazy Colin has totally gone sheen again.

Gluteolacunosity: (noun) Assholeness.
(Example) He displayed sheer gluteolacunosity and stupidity when he raced down the road weaving between cars and cutting off other vehicles.

Jackwagon or Jacktard: (noun) A major idiot or moron. (Example) Carlton is such a jackwagon. Yesterday he caught his dick in his pants zipper for the third time this year.

Jiggly Bits: (noun) Excess fat that is stored in the arms, back, stomach, butt or thighs.
(Example) After blowing out her Spanx she decided it was finally time to do something about the jiggly bits on her ass and thighs.

Knob-slob: (verb) The act of giving a highly skilled and enjoyable BJ.
(Example) Prior to her man leaving for a business trip, Mary was seen knob slobbing away in the backseat of the car at the airport.

My lovelies: (noun) You my faithful and adored readers.
(Example) Life in the blogosphere would not be the same without you my lovelies.

Naughty Bits: (noun) Male or female genitalia; the nether regions below the belt.
(Example) The happy couple named each other’s naughty bits king dong and cock socket.

Shit weasel: (noun) A person who is a slimy and incredibly conniving jerk.
(Example) Bernard is such a shit weasel. He would do anything to further his own agenda.

Shit weasel: (verb) To stick one’s penis up someone else’s arse unexpectedly and without prior warning. (Example) She received a rude awakening when he decided to shit weasel her from behind.

Sucks big hairy sweaty smelly donkey balls: (verb) To majorly suck.
(Example) Verizon totally sucks big hairy sweaty smelly donkey balls.

The Hollyhood: (noun) The bizarre universe where celebrities live, work and socialize.
(Example) All hell broke loose in the Hollyhood when two starlets and a married politician were discovered to have made a super kinky sex tape.

Word Perv: (noun) A person who takes delight and is skilled at constructing, writing or speaking naughty phrases. (Example) The Empress is a total word perv!

Please feel free to amuse us all by leaving your own favorite words in the comment section below. Have a fantabulous week!
xo The Empress


  1. To go along with your hairy smelly donkey balls, my sayings is "Sucks big green donkey dick". We don't ask WHY the donkey has a green dick, though. LOL

  2. I have a certain fondness for fucktard and jackassery. Both pretty self explanatory to me.

  3. I can't believe I'm about to publicly share this, but the new favorite phrase here at the Psycho house (for the adults, not the kids, we have some standards) is sloppy hamburger sex (noun): sex that happens because one person was so amazed by the dinner cooked by the other person. Example: Billy loved Tina's lasagna so much, they later had sloppy hamburger sex.

  4. According to your dictionary my new puppy is considered a female genitalia! I think I'm gonna change her name to Maggie! lol

    Great Post!


  5. @J.Day: Green donkey wieners work!

    @Mustang Sally: Efftard is classic.

    @Oilfield Trash: Thanks. I will take that as a high compliment fine sir!

    @Alli: I. LOVE. IT. Thanks for sharing. Here's to sloppy hamburger sex.

  6. @Canadianbloggergirl: Poor puppy. At least she'll be popular with the boys ; )

  7. Drive-thru! You just explained my whole college experience with one hyphenated word.

  8. @Mrs. Hyde: Thanks for dropping by! ...If it was only an In N' Out (burger restaurant) then it probably didn't count!! ; )

  9. Shit Weasel OWNS.

    I need to start using it. :D

  10. Love all your beautiful words my darling Empress. The only ones I seem to be able to make up result from my atrocious typing skills :)

  11. I nearly spit coffee at shit weasel. Totally keeping that one.

  12. Empress, yes when I was living out west I apparently had my own drive-thru and didn't even know it. It was so fun back in those days. If I knew it would be a famous phrase today I would have franchised! You're so awesome!

  13. I actually used the term 'douche canoe' this weekend. It felt liberating, and the look of confusion by the recipient was priceless.

    Great list!

    The Cookie Monster (nom nom)

  14. These are awesome... you are a first class word perv!


  15. lmfao I think for my next post, I'ma try to use at least five of these kick ass words lol

  16. This list is wayyy better than Urban Dictionary!

  17. Never having had an effing impure thought, I'm at a loss as to how I would use these in my cooking demonstrations... but, I've memorized them! (which, btw, makes them pure and you'll have to come with some new ones! heheeheeee).

  18. My favorite by far is douche canoe. I cannot get enough of it! I try to throw it out offensively in conversation but always end up laughing. haha. GREATNESS!

  19. @Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: Yay! Please use shit weasel to your heart's content : )

    @Mynx: Don't doubt yourself my dear. You have a way with words. ...And for those of you that don't know it, in addition to Dribble, Mynx also has a naughty blog for your reading pleasure.

    @Danger Boy: So glad you enjoyed shit weasel. I'm happy to share my word pervery.

    @Bouncin' Barb: Ha! Nothing like a little fun at the drive thru!! Or shall I now officially refer to you as "Cookie Monster"? Douche canoe is a fun one to use for sure.

    @The Simple Dude: Thanks for stopping by and for the high praises. It's great fun when you invent a word that you see other people starting to use.

    @A Blunt is a Terrible Thing to Waste: Please do and be sure to stop back by and leave a link to your post so that we can all enjoy.

    @theTsaritsa: Thank you! Although the words/phrases that are highlighted with blue links are actually published over at Urban Dictionary. And yes, it took some major trying (and bribes) to get their editors to approve those words.

    @SharleneT: Of course you are far to much of a lady to have impure thoughts ...but on the off-chance that you want to give some of these words a go, perhaps you could make a cooking demonstration video complete with a liberal doses of this phraseology. Could be fun!

    @Jewels: Douche canoe is certainly a classic and you can never have to much laughing so say it sister!

    @TIMMYTHEROBOT: Thanks for stopping by and chiming in. Glad you enjoyed the word pervery. Hope you'll visit again.

  20. First of all I have used "cookie" for so long and I am so thrilled to see it here in your phraseology!! Second, could I get one of those handy pronunciation thingers for "Gluteolacunosity"?? I'm either too dense to sound it out or I've had too many vodka/sodas. Or both.

  21. Dingleberry – The recipient of this insult is a piece of fecal matter stubbornly holding on to the hairs of one’s bottom.

    Jam Doughnut – My playful word for idiot.

  22. omg these were billiant totally going to find a way to work these into my next conversation. thank you expanding my vocab and wow here i thought a ding dong was a cupcake or an idiot guess i should be more careful. Does it count that i'm awesome in using the words tallywhaker and nuts just to embrass my brother.

    Everyday Life

  23. @Heather (aka Sugar Free): Glute-e-oh-lack-cune-nosity. See, easy peasy!

    @Drake Sigar: Dingleberry is great and so befitting of various jackwagons trolling around disguised as human beings. Now, jam doughnut is a completely new one for me.

    @Becca: Well, ding dongs are known for enjoying a round of hide and seek inside a nice warm cupcake ...but I digress ; )


Comments are welcome and appreciated. You do not have to sign up or give your contact information to be able to comment. Feel free to comment anonymously if you like. Just fill my box up. It makes me so very happy!