Is that a snake in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

If you’ve hung around these parts for a while now then you know that one of the characters I enjoy playing here in the blogosphere is none other than the amazingly bejeweled turban wearing and oh-so-prophetic Madame Ranter’s Box.

Normally the Madame is best known for making snarky but incredibly accurate predictions about those douche canoe celebutards that we all love to hate. However, her mystical talents do actually extend beyond the Hollyhood and into the everyday life of us non-celebutards.

Case in point, earlier this week my psychic meter was going full tilt and completely off the charts. So much so that I didn’t even have to dust off my trusty old crystal ball in order to eerily foresee what was soon to happen. (Insert creepy foreboding music here)

Much to my horror whilst heading down a footpath to the beach I noticed something lying across the pathway. There was a woman several yards ahead of me who was alternately taking photos and screeching like a little girl over whatever it was that was blocking us from passing. In fright I think she might have peed her pants, but who are we to judge?

Anyhoo, I quickly discovered that the source of her freak out was none other than a 3 ½ foot long bad-ass snake that was seriously considering eating either her, me or quite possibly both of us as an afternoon snack. Well, Miss Pee-Pee Pants wasn’t having any of that so she high tailed it out of there all quick like, wet drawers and all.

I was then left all alone with the slithery snake monster. Not good. Not good at all. However, being that nothing is ever going to jack up my lovely quiet time on the beach, I quickly morphed myself into The Snake Whisperer and started doing the best rendition of parseltongue I could muster. Harry Potter himself would have been proud.

And finally after being subjected non-stop to my awesomely convincing special mind powers, snake daddy finally decided to crawl back into the bush and terrorize some poor rabbits. It was only then that I remembered my creepy dream the night before. The one where I dreamed I was out running and had gotten bitten by a snake…


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Okay, now that I’ve most likely given you all a serious case of the heebie-jeebies, check out this funny wee gem where all pride goes out the door:




Laughter truly is a universal language!


xo The Empress

Snarky Celebrity Predictions for 2011

From time to time I like to dust off my psychic turban and amuse you all by playing gypsy fortune teller. Being that it is the new year I thought it apropos for Madame Ranter’s Box to toss out a few bitchy predictions for some of those annoying and half-witted celebutards that we all enjoy taking the piss at.

(***PLEASE NOTE: These predictions are meant all in good fun and should be taken with a grain of salt. If you are easily offended by snarky repertoire then please come back tomorrow or go find yourself a nice little blog about the virtues of doilies making. ***)

Anyhoo, without further adieu I shall gaze deep into my magical crystal ball and commence with my snide and silly prophesizing:

JUSTIN BIEBER: As a follow-up to his nail polish line, the twat head otherwise known as The Biebster will launch a Liberace inspired clothing line complete with all the bedazzling a boy or girl could ever want. Sketchers will next jump on the sparkly bandwagon and offer Justin the opportunity to become their celebrity spokesperson for Twinkle Toes Shoes. The Biebster will giddily accept their offer and as such he will be provided with a lifetime supply of sequin and crystal encrusted shoes from their princess collection.

KIM KARDASHIAN: In an act of revenge Paris Hilton will obtain copies of Kimmy’s top secret plastic surgery records AND release them to media outlets around the world. Unable to hide the sordid truth any longer, the Kardashian clan will stage a plastic surgery intervention for Kim on an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Kim will then be offered a starring role on the 2011 season of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab which she will oh-so-humbly accept but only for a ginormous boatload of cash in return.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN (ODEM): After the release of her highly engineered sister Kim’s plastic surgery records, it will be revealed that Khloe IS actually the pretty sister.

THE CAST OF THE JERSEY SHORE: Due to a certain nether-regions epidemic, public health departments across the nation will ban Jersey Shore cast members from using both public and private hot tubs. Municipal authorities will also require Jersey Shore d-bags and bagetts to keep their nasty crotches and manmade chest areas appropriately covered at all times while in public.

PARIS HILTON: The SuperMartXe VIP by Paris Hilton motorcycle racing team will epically fail after not a single rider (for any amount of money) will be willing to risk straddling their naughty bits over P. Hilty’s oh-so-skanky name that is emblazoned on their motorcycles. She will be too drunk or otherwise effed up to notice that yet another one of her ridiculous business ventures has bitten the proverbial dust.

MICHAEL LOHAN: After one-too-many incidents of verbal diarrhea, authorities will force slime-bag Michael to have his forehead boldly tattooed with the words “Public Nuisance”. Lilo’s asshat of a fame-whoring dad will also be forever banned from any and all contact with the media or paparazzi. People everywhere will sigh with relief.

BRISTOL PALIN: Disgruntled cast members from last season’s Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) will launch an investigation into the mystery behind Bristol’s unexplained reign during her time on the show. DWTS producers will confess to being bribed and blackmailed by Bristol’s jackwagon of a mother, Sarah Palin. Homophobic and hypocritical Bristol will finally get her just desserts when a raunchy sex tape of her doing all sorts of filthy things is leaked on the internet. Her time as a highly paid abstinence spokesperson will come to a screeching halt.

HEIDI MONTAG: A bizarre gust of wind will unexpectedly carry Heidi and her freakish balloon boobies off to an undisclosed location never to be seen or heard from again. Meteorological scientists will try earnestly to recreate a similar phenomenon in close proximity to her douche canoe of a husband, otherwise known as Spencer Pratt. In 2013 they will succeed and the world will rejoice.

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And that my lovelies brings us to a close on my celebutard predictions for 2011. If you have any predictions of your own, please add them in the comment section below. I shall be forever grateful and amused.

Have a super duper effingtastic week!
xo The Empress

PS: I want to send a huge shout-out to my friend Simple Dude in a Complex World. Due to Simple Dude’s awesome blog pimping skills, The Ranter’s Box is enjoying major growth in readership. For this I am eternally grateful. And maybe just maybe 2011 will be the year when The Empress finally gets BON’ed!