The Spin Crowd spins out of control

Last night the vowel network otherwise known as E! debuted their latest craptacular reality series called ‘The Spin Crowd’. The show is meant to provide a fly-on-the-wall perspective into the supposedly glamorous world of a celebrity public relations firm called Command PR.

The firm is owned by tool head Jonathan Cheban who is reported to be a whiz when it comes to public relations but in reality is a complete failure when it comes to being an effective leader. Thank gawd Jonathan has his vice president, Simon Huck to balance out his beyond shitty managerial skills. They are also joined by four young female eye-candy worker bees named Erika, Katie, Lauren and whatever the hell her name is…

Poor little newbie Erika was chastised and humiliated in front of the entire office for not dressing glamorous enough to meet Jonathan’s unrealistic Hollywood standards. Jonathan being the employee relations nightmare that he is then asked the other girls in the office to stand up and model their outfits for Erika. All three had short, nearly hoo-ha exposing skirts on. Lauren, not to be outdone, also opted for the highly professional bra-less look to round out her ensemble. I’m guessing that when Erika signed on to her fancy PR gig that she never expected she would have to shop for her work wardrobe at Hookers-R-Us.

And as if that weren’t bad enough, Jonathan also decided that Erika’s lips were far too thin for his liking. He proceeded to pressure her into getting creepy lip injections, telling her that he already made the doctor’s appointment and was personally paying for the procedure. Terrified Erika chickened out at the doctor and opted for temporary 2-hour saline injections instead. When Jonathan found out that Erika hadn’t carried out his ridiculous demands, he threw a first rate temper tantrum and told her that she was homely and needed to step it up.

Simon then offered to give Erika a name of an employment lawyer that she could use to sue Jonathan. But being this is Erika’s big chance to make a name for herself in Hollywood, she is determined to stay put and prove to her jackass of a boss that she can succeed by using her brains and not just her looks. Yeah, we’ll see how that goes…

In an effort to give Jonathan the Tyrant a taste of his own medicine, Simon tricked Jonathan into to undergoing a painful fat freezing procedure. At the doctor’s office Simon chipped away at Jonathan’s self esteem and told him that he is actually a ‘skinny fat person’, made fun of his baggy underwear and his love handles, all while he threatened to upload unflattering mid-procedure photos of Jonathan onto the internet.

At this point I started to wonder WTF any of this had to do with public relations.

Finally the team got around to doing some actual PR work that entailed booking a celebrity to host a party for a new brand of self tanner for men. Command PR decided that Mario Lopez would be the perfect celebrity to endorse said product. During the product pitch Mario kindly reminded Jonathan and Simon that ‘being born Mexican, he already had a natural tan going on’. Despite this fact Mario eventually agreed to host the party and the audience was treated to one of Jonathan’s girls chasing Mario around the party and trying to get him to pose shirtless holding a bottle of the self-tanner. But Mario wasn’t having any of that crap… at least not on camera…

And that my lovelies is the whole shebang in a nutshell. Thirty minutes of incredibly ridiculous, brain-cell-killing television programming produced by none other than Executive Producer Kim Kardashian. To which all I can say is, Kim should be ashamed to have her name attached to this effed-up show. Oh, and someone should report Jonathan to the Department of Labor…
I'm just saying...

The scummy world of reality TV lives on with Bachelor Pad

Tonight the reigning mayor of Jerryspringerville, Chris Harrison, presided over the inaugural episode of Bachelor Pad. 19 fame-whoring previous cast members from the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchises were reunited to compete for US$250,000 -- and the chance to once again try and find love (or more like additional face time) in front of the cameras.

The basic premise behind the show is to NOT get voted off during weekly elimination and to ultimately be the last person standing thus winning the coveted quarter million dollar prize. The contestants are divided into two teams based on gender. Each week they compete in some sort of convoluted and sexually charged group competition -- this week it was the children’s game Twister played in bikinis and swim trunks. The winner of the competition is granted immunity from elimination as well as the opportunity to take three of the contestants from the opposing team on a mini-group date. On the date the weekly winner presents one of the men/woman with a rose and thereby grants them with immunity from elimination as well. Blah, blah, blah…

As was to be expected, the producers dug deep to cast the most sleazy, conniving, emotionally unstable, lying, deviant and just plain wackadoodle train wrecks from the world of reality TV. Quite a few of the cast members already knew one another and some of them had previously hooked up which automatically upped the drama factor. Add to that the fact that all the contestants are forced to bunk in the same room, and well I’m sure you can guess where this drama train is headed! Sex, lies, drama, booze, intrigue, crying, emotional blackmail, sabotage, backstabbing, more crying, manipulation -- and this was only the first episode!

When it came elimination time, the first casualty was some don juan major d-bag named Juan who had banged one of the contestants Nikki back in Chicago just so he could have a free place to stay while he was visiting her hometown. The next to go was the majorly psychotic Michelle who locked another female contestant in the bathroom while threatening her with her life. When crazy-ass Michelle was voted off someone appropriately summed it up by saying something like ‘there is no place on a straight jacket for a rose so that girl had to go’.

So there you have it my lovelies. Next time I will fill you in on the runner-up psycho named Elizabeth who is obsessively in love with Jesse ‘Kovacs’ despite the fact that he has made it abundantly clear the feelings aren’t mutual.
Until then, xo.

Fishing for The Ultimate Hoochie

More reality TV ridiculousness hit the airwaves with Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. The premise behind this absolute train wreck of a dating show is 16 skanky bimbos competing bracket style for the love, money and/or cockadoodledoo of Chad Ochocinco, the professional football player. In the end, the winning hoochie mama gets awarded some gaudy-ass Liberace ring emblazoned with the number 85 on it. Yeah, I know, how original…



Despite the show being filmed inside a fairly nice mansion, it was obvious there was an extremely miniscule production budget. I’m guessing the girls were disappointed once realizing they were actually on a vh1 show and not The Bachelor -- and therefore there were likely to be NO big extravagant fantasy dates for their little gold digging asses. Group dates involved pool and tailgate parties both of which took place at the house. And although the classy party menus consisted of no-frills hotdogs and hamburgers Chad was actually kind enough to gift some of the girls with itsy-bitsy bathing suits i.e. clothing du jour for reality TV ho’s.

One of the more aggressive bimbettes named Ericka seemed quite proud to be prancing and jiggling around in her new white string bikini. The cameras cut to Erika who exclaimed, “I am feeling confident in my bathing suit and I feel Chad is excited to see me in my bathing suit. And I got his attention for sure… in my bathing suit” …Gosh, I bet her and her vacant eyes, Donald Duck lips and gianormous fake boobies make her family incredibly proud! You go Ericka!

Ericka in all her glory:


The rest of the episode involved further conniving, cat fighting, jockeying for a ride on Chad’s joystick, blah, blah, blah -- which of course is all pretty typical for this genre of trash television.

So, at this point all I can say is, damn you Joel McHale of The Soup for showing a funny clip about this craptacular show and therefore ultimately introducing me to it. And while I’m reasonably certain I won’t be able to stomach further episodes of The Ultimate Catch even if it is in the name of blog research -- if I do come across any juicy dirt on the cast members I will certainly be sure to share a snarky update.

Please just go away already Jake & Vienna

Reality TV and show hosting reached an all-time low last night when The Bachelorette dedicated a full 30 minutes of scintillating programming to the ‘after the break up reunion of Jake and Vienna’. In case you don’t happen to read the trash tabloids, Jake and Vienna were the most recent destined-to-be-together-forever couple who hooked up on The Bachelor. She was the mean and skanky-like ho that all the girls on the show hated. He was the douchey pilot (who was dumped by the previous Bachelorette Jillian, Joanie or whatever the f*uck her name was) and later cast as the new Bachelor… Yeah, I know, it truly is an absolute freaking nightmare just trying to keep up with the ridiculous reality TV soap opera that the ABC network has conceived… But anyway, during the not-to-be-missed-reunion, tool-head Jake and weepy Vienna had a full-on knock down drag out bicker fest. They argued about everything from GPS, to furniture arrangement and even dog poo. Apparently Jakey wasn’t giving up the ole sausage and Vienna was feeling neglected and unloved. Jake was whining about how he felt undermined and emasculated (yes his words, but kind of ironic considering how he always seems to comes across as an overly emotional, wussy big girl’s blouse). There were also accusations of infidelity, lying and fame whoring! When the opposing parties got hung up arguing about Vienna’s dog, the host Chris Harrison finally interjected and said “No one cares about the dog” -- which had to be the best and only redeeming line of this completely embarrassing saga. It is my sincere hope that Chris Harrison will finally wake up and realize that he is quickly turning into the scummy new mayor of Jerry Springerville – and go get a real job. As for Jake and Vienna, one can only hope that they crawl back under whatever rocks they originally came from under, because frankly, no one really gives a shit …I’m just saying…

Reality TV - "I mean, who does that?"

Reality TV in general is a bit like visiting a televised human zoo. Put fame-hungry participants inside a television fishbowl, stir in some manufactured drama and watch the mayhem begin. Whether these types of shows are completely fake, semi-scripted or just too freaking crazy for anyone to have made up, reality television certainly makes for an interesting study in human behavior. Cast members tend to be either bitchy, stupid, trashy, overly emotional, manipulative, slutty, domineering, attention seeking -- or just plain wackadoodle. And sometimes those human train wrecks otherwise known as reality ‘stars’ are blessed with several or even all of those highly appealing attributes. I know this because I have been earning my armchair doctorate in psychology by watching this season’s critically acclaimed show The Bachelorette. Yes, I am somewhat embarrassed to admit this fact, but even so there is nothing quite like watching 25 guys going head-to-head in highly unrealistic situations trying to win the affections of one lone girl. The power plays, backstabbing, crying, and sheer craziness demonstrated by some of the men on this show are absolutely legendary. Seriously, a couple of these dudes need to either check themselves into the nearest psycho ward, grow some balls, or just plain never show their faces in public again. Case in point, check out this video of wussy Justin Rego an ‘entertainment wrestler’ from Canada who literally attempts to escape through the bushes after being caught out for having not one but two girlfriends back home:



I’m pretty much guessing this little escapade of Justin’s won’t bode too well for his career as ‘Rated R’ the scary professional wrestler nor for his love life now that all the ladies across the globe know what a lying, conniving tool he REALLY is. Buh-bye Rated R, don't let the dressing room door hit you in the ass!