How to have fun on Royal Wedding Day

The hoopla surrounding the Royal Wedding has reached an absolute and unbelievable fever pitch. Every media outlet from here to Timbuktu is eagerly providing play-by-play wedding coverage down to the very last glorious detail of the blessed day. Thousands upon thousands of common folk have been camped out for days along the procession route all in hopes of getting a firsthand glimpse of the wedding festivities. Bookmakers have been taking wagers on everything from how long the royal marriage will last to what color knickers the wedding participants will wear.

Quite frankly though, it’s all feeling a bit exclusionary seeing as not all of us received a prized invitation to the so-called event of the century. But never fear my lovelies, you aren’t going to be left out of all the excitement. I, The Empress, have strapped on my royal thinking cap. In doing so I’ve come up with oodles of ways that you too can be a part of this most special and momentous occasion that is otherwise known as The Royal Wedding of Will and Kate.

Please note that I may or may not have consumed copious amounts of vodka cocktails whilst compiling this handy dandy list of fun things to do in honor of the Royal Wedding. You may or may not want to do the same should you so choose to play along. It is totally up to you. But anyhoo, without further adieu let’s get this party started:

THINGS TO DO IN CELEBRATION OF THE ROYAL WEDDING:

• Sleep. When you finally roll out of bed, be sure to enjoy a nice cup of brew in your very own “I couldn’t care less about the Royal Wedding” coffee mug.

• Speak in a fake British accent for the duration of the day. If you are an actual Brit then feel free to divert to pirate speak or another amusing accent of your choosing.

• Swan around town wearing a tiara whilst pretending you are a distant descendant of royalty.

• Insist that everyone who communicates with you refers to you as “Your Royal Highness”.

• Go to the drive through at Burger King or Dairy Queen and insist that you want your free commemorative Royal Wedding meal.

• Attend a fancy shmancy high tea service and don’t forget to taste the coveted spotted dick.

• Have a shot every time the media says the words “Princess Kate”, “fairytale wedding” or “the royal couple”. You are guaranteed to be completely off your trolley by 7:00am.

• Spend some quality time playing with your very own royal jewels.

• Shag whilst using commemorative and highly inappropriate Will and Kate condoms.

• Share this post with your friends and help pimp out The Empress. She is royalty after all.


Happy Royal Wedding Day!
xo The Empress

I have a dream … to get BON’ed

Once upon a time there was a young snarky blogger named The Ranter’s Box. For as long as she could remember she dreamed of becoming a writer, but not just any old writer. The Ranter’s Box wanted to become a wonderfully fantabulous, famous best-selling author with lots and lots of adoring fans. Next to eating cupcakes and reading books, writing was her greatest passion and one true love.

Over the years the necessity of having to have a ‘real’ job overshadowed her dream of becoming a writer. The Ranter’s Box discovered that in the business world she was very skilled at solving problems and telling people what to do. Somehow she managed to find a way to incorporate writing into her work but even so business writing was never the same as being able to write in her own true voice. Eventually her dream of becoming a real writer began to fade away and was all but forgotten.

Every so often someone close to her would mention that she should write a book or at the very least start a blog. However, the thought of anyone being interested in reading what she had to say sort of scared her. The Ranter’s Box contemplated becoming a blogger for several months until she finally realized that it was time to reclaim a very important part of who she was. Ever determined, she proudly proclaimed she was a writer and hell be damned she was going to start using her god given talents!

For the first few weeks she didn’t tell a soul, not even her best friend forever, that she had started a blog. Slowly but surely like the little engine that could, people that she didn’t even know started reading what she had to say -- and they liked it! It made The Ranter’s Box feel incredibly good when people wrote to her and told her that her writing was entertaining and made them laugh.

Once she regained a bit of her confidence The Ranter’s Box decided that her next goal was to get B.O.N.’ed (Blog of Note) and ultimately become the next Empress of the Blogging World. By becoming royalty in the blogosphere she would then be able to:

• Share her wit with countless followers and bring a smile to their day.

• Happily and proudly wear her sparkly tiara just like a real empress.

• Dance around in her underwear overcome with joy at being B.O.N.’ed.

• Honor her vampire genes and stay up all night writing magnificent masterpieces.

• Celebrate living her dreams by eating lots and lots of delicious chocolate cupcakes.

• Negotiate a book deal, go on tour, meet Prince Charming and live happily ever after!

And that my lovelies is how it all started… To be continued…