Monday, July 25, 2011

Busy Bee, that's Me!


Hello my lovelies! Apologies for neglecting you all. Please know that I miss each and every one of you. Right now personal and professional responsibilities are requiring my immediate attention. I'm very much looking forward to being able to catch up on reading all of your wonderful blogs and hope to be able to do so in the near future. When I resurface I also promise to bestow you all with the usual snarkiness to which you have grown accustomed. Until then, I hope you have an amazing week!!

xo The Empress

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Empress Etiquette: Underwear Edition


When spending the day at a very public and well populated beach, it is NEVER acceptable for a fully grown member of the male species to strip off his kit all the way down to his tighty whities, dive into the ocean, and then proceed to play a vigorous game of Frisbee all whilst wearing completely see-thru white underwear and running to and fro in ankle deep water.

So Attention All Male Offenders: No one wants to have their beautiful ocean scenery jacked up by repeatedly seeing some dude’s nasty wet butt crack or disgusting hairy ball sack bounce in and out of view. Please keep your man junk covered or stay the heck home! That is all.

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, July 18, 2011

Things that SUCK: Car Alarm Edition


After a gawd-awful week and a half of having to listen to this shit, I can’t think of anything more annoying than the sound of a psychotic car alarm with a very bad case of Tourette’s. Currently myself and some of the other sleep deprived neighbors are seriously thinking of taking a grenade launcher to the offending vehicle in question. Doing so may be our only hope towards restoring some much needed peace and quiet to the neighborhood. Apparently the management over at the ghetto property where the vehicle is parked don’t give a rat’s ass that a screeching car alarm is going off day and night for hours at a time. And clearly neither does the Barney Fife wanna-be security guard over at the property or the inconsiderate jackwagon who owns the vehicle that sounds something like this:




Happy Monday my lovelies and may you enjoy a serene and blissful week!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

It's Happy Dance Time!


Yesterday I was as giddy as a school girl when I discovered the follower count here at The Ranter's Box hit the 300 mark! A big shout-out goes to Byakuya over at Hilarious Images for officially becoming the 300th reader. If you aren't familiar then head on over, have a gander, show some blog love, and make a new friend or two.

In the meantime, check out this wee video that encompasses the spirit of just how happy I am to know that after a year you guys keep coming back for more snarkiness and that our little bloggy family continues to grow (but hopefully grow in a way that is different than the trouser snake in this dude's undies):




And for all you loyal man readers' out there, just pretend this is me dancing in some sexy lingerie or a bikini. Also, I have absolutely no idea what the heck this video is meant to be advertising but it seems like a good example of a happy dance all the same.

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Say goodbye to pillow humping

Having no real intention to play Blogosphere Sexologist today, I was rather surprised to have come across this rather questionable canine product:



Now after watching that video I couldn't help but wonder:
  • What kind of twisted individual thinks to invent a device like this?
  • What sort of  sick and raunchy stuff did they get up to in the Hot Doll Research & Development Lab when they were developing this product?
  • Who is responsible for cleaning off Fido's love doll after he engages in a nice little hump fest?

Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Veggies and Shit Storms


It’s rather interesting to discover which types of blog posts illicit the most comments and even outright fury by some readers. Back in the early days of my blogging, one of my favorite bloggers ‘The Bitchy Waiter’ posted something about vegetarians*. That particular post made me realize that something as mundane and innocuous as vegetables could spark a blogging shit storm of major proportions.

Yes, you read that correctly. Vegetables. Category 5 shit storm. Readers were leaving quite lengthy and fascinating comments supporting their case for OR against being a vegetarian. Now I like a spirited debate as much as the next person but the situation quickly veered off track and started to get ugly.

The mud-slinging and casting of sticks and stones was beyond epic. And to be truthful, somewhat entertaining. Some anonymous douche canoe crossed over the line and wrote a derogatory racial comment that had positively no relevance to the topic at hand. Another person alluded to some nonsense about vegetarians not being cable of having orgasms. And as to be expected, there were guilt inducing comments that had incredibly heavy political or moral undertones.

Being a vegetarian, I of course had to share my two cents as well. I totally get that there are some wacky and sanctimonious vegans and vegetarians out there who constantly climb up on their rickety-ass soap boxes and chastise anyone who dares to consume meat. Those types of annoying and holier than thou crack pots get on my nerves too. But not all vegetarians are like that. I for one am most certainly not.

Basically I was born a vegetarian. I eat normal food just minus any sort of meat. This is because I do not enjoy the taste, texture or even smell of meat. Eating meat does not agree with my body and therefore I do not eat anything that has a face. It is as simple as that.

However, not eating meat is where I draw the line. I am not a vegan and have zero desire to venture over into that territory. If other people choose a lifestyle of veganism then good on them. I happen to love the yummy deliciousness that is otherwise known as cheese, yogurt and ice cream far too much to ever imagine my life without them.

With that being said, I admit that when it comes to going out to eat the process is generally a major pain in the ass for a vegetarian. This because there are usually very few desirable choices on the menu for a vegetarian. But then why should a restaurant have to cater to me and my individual food preferences? They shouldn't.

And as for those gross little eating establishments that cater to vegans and vegetarians, I absolutely 100% avoid them like the plague. For some strange reason their menu selections tend to consist of creepy sounding ingredients and abnormally high concentrations of garlic, to which I am highly allergic.

But big deal. I go out to eat and share meals with others because I enjoy the company of those involved. I can always order a salad minus the meat or even better have dessert instead! If my dinner companions want to eat ginormous, bloody raw steaks then more power to them.

This perspective comes from understanding and appreciating that there are many people who (unlike me) just so happen to salivate over big honking slabs of juicy roasted meat. I on the other hand just so happen to drool over chocolate cupcakes and designer handbags. And yes, many of those lovely purses just so happen to be made out of leather.

But in the grand scheme of things who really cares? Maybe if more people focused on finding common ground with others instead of looking for the things that could potentially divide them, then perhaps the world would be a happier place. …I’m just saying…

Happy Monday my lovelies!
xo The Empress


*This particular post was also how I became acquainted with my dear bloggy friend Mrs. Hyde over at 'A Bitch Called Mom'. Go check her out if you aren't already familiar. She is incredibly fun to read!